Don’t really mean to have a rant, but have you ever had a time, when you felt your brain was just so addled, you felt completely lost within yourself?
Or felt enveloped by some thick fibrous tissue of someone’s life, that you felt like you were suffocating in them?
Well, that’s been me, these last few weeks!
I feel utterly exhausted by the stress, caused by someone else’s agony and frustrations. I cause no real stress to myself, it is always someone else’s.
They bring it to my door like bunches of flowers, down the phone line, by internet, and in the case of my ex-husband – from very close quarters within the home.
But I don’t want to hear it! I just simply don’t want to hear it… anymore.
I keep myself away. Quiet and unnoticed. Just calmly trying to deal with crap that’s already in my life, my health and again ex-husband, but that’s not enough. Doesn’t matter how many times or ways I try to say ‘enough‘, the words, fall, on deaf ears. I can never get my head round that!
They can see I am mentally drained, and so, so tired. But it would seem that I’m the ONLY one to know the solutions to their problems. As always.
They don’t have to think, why should they? They have me, at the drop of a hat, first person to call. I never proclaimed myself to be the Oracle, and neither do I want to be, it sounds like a bloody hard job.
I just wish that just every now and then, they could come to their senses, and for a change just stand on their own two feet for a while. Just try it out. See how it feels, and get used to the idea! I know it would be a huge relief for me, because right now I feel like I’m being crushed, struggling to breathe.
Just a breath of fresh air, a breath of sweet, quiet harmony, would be enough to recharge my batteries, so that I can sparkle again!
(26th November 2014)
At the time when I wrote this, my divorce had been finalised, but I still had to live under the same roof as my ex-husband. It was not the happiest of times, as he demonstrated how vengeful and vindictive, he could be on a daily basis. Sometimes in ways, that I cannot fathom why he would choose to behave in such a manner.
I guess he was hurting because he knew he had already lost something, that he’d finally recognised the value of… and there was no chance of ever getting it back.
I am not making excuses for him, but I suppose as the time has passed, I had more time to reflect on it.
In those few months before our house sold, he made my life absolutely miserable, in any way he could. To the point that I anticipated his actions, and most times they backfired on him.
During this period of my life, I had little support from anyone. There were many, who thought I was wrong for doing what I did, many who criticised me. And there were many more who simply could or would not believe, that he was anything but this mild mannered, chilled out guy. He’d never dream of hurting me, because he knew I was more than his match. He dare not lay a finger on me. It was one of those things that I’d always warned him about, because even I don’t know how I’d react if someone ever struck me. But I know I would be worried, I don’t take to that kind of thing kindly.
People knew little or nothing about what was really happening. He took full advantage of tainting my name and good nature, whilst I said nothing. Whether those that listened believed him or not, I don’t know, but their eyes can’t deceive them, or deny what a ‘better’ man he’d become, because of me. But I never heard another word from any of his family of his shared friends. So, may be they did.
Little did they know, how in an instant he could transform from a gentle being into a raging lunatic. Throwing things, kicking things, causing damage, (in particular to my belongings), shouting at the top his voice, like he was some caged animal. They didn’t know this side.
Or the guy who would also be broke, never have a penny to spend on anything, had fallen behind on all his financial responsibilities, but like magic could come up with cash to disappear for a week to go sailing. Knowing that he’d not paid the mortgage, or put money on the electric meter to last his absence, and never once checking to make sure I had money. They didn’t know this side.
But in the end, it doesn’t matter what other people may think and feel, it wasn’t their life, and they have no inkling of the real issues I had to deal with. All I knew is that I had to leave and be as far away from him, as I could.
In truth, as with many things, I didn’t do it for them, I did it for me.
And thank goodness I had the sense to do what I did, when I did. I had to save myself… simple as that.
(Monday 4th February 2019)