Letting go: 11.  And finally…

Letting go: 11.  And finally…

In closing, I had no idea that I had so much that I needed to get out of my system; before I enter into this new year.  All I do know is that I have to let my demons go, and leave them where they truly belong, in the past.  They have haunted me for too long, and they have no place in my plans or where I’m going next.
Tonight, I will toast myself at the last stroke of midnight, and kiss goodbye to those painful ghosts of the past.

Letting go. 12: And finally...

Tonight, I will be raising a glass to what a truly amazing and remarkable woman I am and have become.

Because tomorrow, is indeed a brand-new day in a brand-new life for me!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sat 31st December 2016)

Update:

In a couple of months, it will be 3 years since I wrote the series of ‘Letting go’.  At the time, it marked a very important period of my life, when I seriously looked at my health, my life and the people in it.  In order for me to grow, I recognised and knew that things had to change.

Thinking back, I had been facing and overcame so many difficult obstacles, both personal and physical.  Some have been completely eradicated from my life, but there are some that still take me by surprise.  But, I am only human, and cannot safeguard myself against everyone that doesn’t understand or appreciate me.  When I read back over the words that came from me, I realised that I had been carrying the pain and weight of some many things.  Luggage, that wasn’t mine, so it’s no wonder why I felt so utterly deflated and exhausted by it.

I had no idea what life would truly hold for me when I was young, unknowingly to me, my physical health problems had already begun and depression had made a friend of me.  Both these things, eventually took a greater hold of me as I aged, but essentially the person I was, never really changed.

Letting go: 12 And finally... 2 Image: board-1754932_1920
Letting go: 12 And finally… 2

In spite of the battles that I have fought, none have truly defeated me.  Instead, I called on my ‘free spirit’ and I have fought alone, to become the woman I was meant to be.  Never have I allowed my issues to define me, I’ve remained positive, focussed and have worn a smile, even though smiling was the last thing I wanted to do.   And I am so proud of her/me today, because this is who I am.0

And I am only best at being me.

For a long time, I have said and totally believe that:

“No matter what happens in my life, I have dealt with far worse already”.

Sharon.

(Tues 22nd Oct 2019)

Letting go: 10. Family

Letting go: 10. Family

I must accept the fact that my family, are who and what they are.  And the simple truth is, that they are very unlikely to ever change.

Therefore, I must.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31stDecember 2016)

Update:

Nothing has really changed, apart from me!  Sx ❤️

Letting go: 10. Family
Letting go: 10. Family

Letting go: 9. Friendship

9. Friendship

I have been forced to re-evaluate some of the friendships and people in my life.  So-called friends of mine have challenged my integrity a few too many times.  I have recoiled at the naivety and envy that has been displayed and demonstrated by people who are supposed to be close to me.  I have felt the brunt of being an innocent target, just because I didn’t ‘understand’ someone else’s idea of “time served” or “group” etiquette.  I have been left dumbstruck, by the efforts that have been made to reduce me at times.

Letting go: 9. Friendship

I have been knocked back by comments made by people who should know better, they became green-eyed through envy just because of my own personal journey and subsequent freedom.  They have demonstrated their jealousy without abandon at times, not realizing that it only reflected badly on them.

And yes, I have been wounded by thoughtless and maybe sometimes callous words, to the point where yet again I have automatically blamed myself for whatever it was that had gone wrong.  Instead of celebrating my success with me, they have treated me like I’m a threat.  To what I don’t know and to be honest I no longer really care.

I am a Queen

I am not even in the same league as them, I am way out ahead, but they are too naïve to understand this. I am a queen, compared to them.  But they envy my position, because they do not realise that it takes time and experience to reach this status.  It is not something that can be rushed or challenged…

Becoming a Queen happens to all women eventually… when they finally wake up and see their own potential and worth.

Letting go: 9. Friendship

Lessons learned

I am beyond competing and comparison at their level.  For a while I was dragged in and given a false sense of belonging… to something.  But deep down I knew I was never really a part of it.  But for a moment I indulged myself in the idea that I was increasing my circle of ‘friends’, and that my genuine kindness and affection was actually valued and appreciated.  But it was another lesson learnt: finding out how wrong I was!  Got my finger seriously burnt there, only because one person became too insecure and was not happy that I was being so easily accepted.

I have to say that I learnt a few unpleasant but very valuable lessons from this episode.  It crushed me at times and it bought tears at others, it sent me on a time-wasting mission, soul-searching myself for answers that were not to be found in me, they laid and still remain entirely inside someone else.

But it taught me, that I give of myself too easily, I am far too generous when sharing my kindness and love.  I should have remembered that many people are only too happy to drain the life from someone else, no matter what the cost.

Been foolish

I know I have been foolish.  I fooled myself thinking that these new formed friendships, would bare the same hallmarks of loyalty and sincerity that old friends offer.  I was however, mistaken.  And for a while I was willing to question my own integrity, looking to find those flaws over again.

Letting go: 9. Friendship

I know I have been incredibly fucking stupid.  I have turned the other cheek, instead of slapping that son of a bitch in the face.

It’s time to stop all that

  1. It is time to stop taking on the responsibility of other peoples’ actions.
  2. It is time to stop making excuses for other peoples’ behaviour.
  3. It is time to stop allowing other people to disrespect me, and I must start with myself.
  4. It is time to for me to see my real & actual worth, and the beauty that resides in me, because it has remained untouched and still pure.

I still possess my grace & my dignity – I wear it like a suit of armour. And when I again arise from these ashes; and it will be untainted by their malice.  They no longer have the power to belittle or reduce me down to their level.

It is time to start believing in the good of myself and other people again, and reject any harmful forces that try to steal away my light.

‘It is time for me to shine again’.

9. Friendship. Photo from: https://www.instagram.com/jillwellingtonphotography/
It’s time to shine again

Update:

It would appear that my intuition has once again served me well…  Sx ❤️

Links to: You do not see the real beauty in me

Letting go: 8.  Romance

Letting go: 8.  Romance

Romance etc, has been on the back burner for some time now.  However, there have been moments with online dating sites, when I thought I was ready to take that particular leap of faith again, only to find myself hot-footing it back again.  So may be I am not quite ready to go down that romantic path or find love again just yet!

Being fragile

It’s obvious to me, why there are still many fragile parts of me, that still feel raw and very vulnerable.  No one, is left untouched or unmarked after leaving a long relationship, especially if it was an unhappy one.  But to many, my pretty face and smile is enough to have hidden away all my heartache. UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_12b

It has made me into a very different woman, not one to openly expose the lack of romance in my heart or broadcast my sadness.  I am not as accepting or as tolerant as I was before.  Going through the motions, just for the sake of being with someone, is not me, things have to be real.  Enough time has already been wasted with the wrong people, I don’t anyone to drain me anymore.  I am a grown woman after all and I’m in need of love!

Dating sites

Time spent on dating sites, have been nothing but soul destroying and have further disillusioned me.  What does it really say about us?  Why is it that we have to resort to online sites to find romance, companionship, love or whatever it is you might be looking for?  I have seen thousands of faces and read thousands of profiles, but only a handful have ever sparked my interest; and even fewer have really turned my head.  But none of them, have actually been who they say they were.  They have all ended up being a bit wolfish in spite of their cute ‘lamb’ disguise.

The ones who have taken a chance and messaged, have been rude, derogatory or haven’t read my profile beforehand.  If they had, they would clearly see that because of intention, height, age or location, they are unsuitable.  Nevertheless, they still the take the chance anyway and believe there is a possibility of a relationship… of any kind.  Maybe they think they’ll catch me on a good day, when romance is high on my agenda and I might overlook such important details!

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_93I have given dating sites a good go, but I haven’t quite lost faith that I will find my true love.  For me, all my senses need to be fired up.  I won’t get that feeling from a photograph or a few lines.   I have to meet someone, size them up and feel their vibes, otherwise there is nothing.

No more kissing toads

When I first signed up on a dating site, I did so whole-heartedly.  Unfortunately, it didn’t take long before disappointment set in.  I didn’t find love or romance, but something else entirely.  I have to confess I am not prepared to kiss any more frogs or toads.  So for the moment, I will leave things to chance and hope I meet someone the old-fashioned way.

It will happen, when it’s the right time for it to happen, and there’s no point in rushing or pushing myself to be ready, before I actually am.  So, I will patiently wait for my Prince to come along… who will hopefully romance me the way I like.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31stDecember 2016)

 

Update:

In spite of my feelings about using online dating sites, I continued to persevere.  Even though I haven’t met my so-called “Mr Right” yet, I still have a romantic belief that there’s a possibility that he’s out there.

They want to chat forever, but never meet…

Over the last couple of years, I have engaged in a variety of conversations with a variety of different men.  Some chats were cut short very quickly, some eventually fizzled out, and some the conversation is still going.  However, regardless of the nature, so far none have led me any closer to what it is I seek.  Love and romance still elude me, as it seems they want to chat forever, but never meet… I still can’t get my head round that!

I am neither expecting or looking for a guy to charm me, wine and dine me, or financially take care of me.  But what I do expect is for them to respect me.  Using dating sites have been both very frustrating experience and a real eye-opener at the same time.  Having been off the market for so long, it has certainly taught me an awful lot about men.   In turn, I also recognise that there is a lot of behaviour I will no longer tolerate or accept.  In particular narcissism, ignorance and arrogance.  I am not saying that I am anything special, but I do know that I am far from being an average kind of woman.  One who is fully aware of what I bring to the table, and what I’m not looking for.

I know my own worth.

I could be so many things

There have many requests made of me for anonymous sex, to be a dominatrix, to be a mistress, a booty call. I have even been offered money to spend a night with someone.  I could be so many things, but this that’s not what I’m looking for.  If I took up every offer of sex, I could be a very busy, tired but busy gal.  I have received numerous unrequested ‘intimate’ photos, as though somehow a ‘dick shot’ will suddenly change my mind!  But now, I return the same favour, if a guy sends me a photo of dick, I send him a photo of another mans’ dick, and see how they like it.  It’s worked an absolute treat so far!

Hiding

I don’t want to sound anti-men, far from it, but online dating sites have changed how people interact with easy other.  People become brave, because they are hiding behind a screen, it’s gives a false sense of confidence, as if anything goes.  Men who would normally never approach me, some as young as 18, are all willing to give it shot.  If only they would just take a few moments to read my profile, it would save both their energy and effort.  I have even had arguments with guys, who refuse to accept the fact that I am not interested in them.  The type who turn nasty, because they can’t deal with rejection, even though it’s for obvious reasons like location, height, age etc.

But I’ve had enough of guys thinking that just because they are not in front of me, it doesn’t matter how they behave toward or speak to me.  Some have been down right rude and perverse, but it makes me smile to think they actually believe their approach might work.   However,  I am always polite and respond in a nice way, one they can clearly understand.

There have been a couple of guys, who have broken the surface of my skin, but few have resulted in actual meeting.  So here I sit, still alone for the moment but still looking.  I will not give up looking or stop hoping.

He who is meant for me, is still out there… Sx ❤️

(5th April 2019)

Damaged

Damaged

No one can see

The real damage

That has been done to me

I do not wear it

Boldly on my sleeve

I am not looking

For kindness

Or empathy

I know who I am

It’s not what I need

But just because

You can’t see my pain

Doesn’t mean

It isn’t there

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24thApril 2019)

Letting go: 7. Integrity

Letting go: 7. Integrity

Originally from my personal blog, “Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind”

integrity | ɪnˈtɛɡrɪti | noun [mass noun] the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles: a gentleman of complete integritythe state of being whole and undivided: upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty• the condition of being unified or sound in construction: the structural integrity of the novel• internal consistency or lack of corruption in electronic data: [as modifier] :  integrity checking[1]

To me, in simple terms this means:

“Doing the right thing, even when no one is around to witness it”.

How to lose me

The quickest way to lose me, is to question my integrity or to show me that you have none!  It is way up there on my list of virtues, no ifs, no buts, no deviations, and no argument.

I have come across too many people that have lacked this quality, and spent far too much time in their company.  But it not something that I tolerate well, so from now on I would rather leave people who lack it, well enough alone.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I have since learned just how much integrity means to me.  Having been on the receiving end and having witnessed so any occasions when people have demonstrated their lack of it, it has done more than raise an eyebrow, and I have lost respect for these people because of it. I have many people in my life, who don’t even know that I can write, or that I am so creative or talented in many things.  They do not know that I have been writing for years and have created more than just a personal blog.  But they chose to ignore or not see that side of me, and therefore have no comment.  I sometimes feel that people would choke on their words, if they tried to say something to me.

I suppose the question I always ask myself is:

“If they are able to do something (not good), and not think twice about it, then what else are they capable of?” 

If I have that feeling about someone, they will lose/never have my trust or be allowed full access to enter my life.

I’m not even sure why it is so important to me, but it is a trait I will look out for in the simplest actions.  It has left me cold at times, when I have watched other peoples’ behaviour, when they believe themselves unseen.  It is akin to taking pride in yourself and your conduct, and a ‘must have’ quality.

But sadly, so many people let themselves down.  Sx ❤️

[1] Taken from Apple Inc. Dictionary 2.3.0 “203.16.12)

 

Letting go: 6. Intuition

“I was blessed with this gift, and it has never let me down, if I’ve made a bad choice it’s usually because I have ignored my gut instinct, when I should have known better”. 

I have believed for a long time that not everything is worth fighting for, and I have spilt enough blood and wasted too much time already battling unwinnable or futile causes.

I say this is a gift, because I have the uncanny ability to be able to see through other people’s problems, and guide them on what the real issues are.  I am able to explore different angles and perspectives, and untangle the real mysteries behind their problems.  I have people who lean on me for this, but it isn’t something I am always thanked for, as not everyone has a stomach for my brutal candor, but it’s what they come for.  They come to me for truth, and that’s exactly what I give them, and somehow, I seem to manage to get right down to the roots of the problem and at least open their minds to reason or a different level of understanding.

I never speak ‘off the top of my head’, and I am always able to back up what I say with good reason.  It’s as though I go deep into the recesses of my mind and can draw on an experience from somewhere in my past, that is relevant. 

Maybe that’s why I seldom confide in others, because somewhere I know the answer already exists in me, I just have to think it through.  I firmly believe that in my life, no matter what the situation is, I have already dealt with far worse and come through it. 

My comtemplation stonesThis way of thinking has kept me positive, and made me feel so much stronger.  This is why writing is so important to me, this is my way of sorting through the muddle in my mind, and seeing it in black and white print.  Writing gives me clarity, like solving a mathematical equation.  It allows me to explore my thoughts, and to be picked up and carried away with them, so I can deal with my demons and dilemmas.  From an early age it was a skill that gave me some form of comfort and expression, and it is one I cannot do without.

Intuition has protected me, prepared me and given me such an understanding of who I really am, and who others are too.  But there have been times, I have mistakenly given others the benefit of the doubt, and have got burnt fingers for the privilege.

At least I now know to never ignore it again!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I can think of so many occasions when my intuition has served me so well in the last few years.  My ability to read between the lines and see behinds the scenes, has saved me from much unnecessary angst and misery.  I have learned to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me, or have no sense of feel-good about them.

00948-in2bthe2bendI have steadfastly stuck by this, and in turn my state of mind and life have improved, my self-confidence and belief in my talents have blossomed and I actually feel quite happy.

I want and need for nothing that money can buy, and in my eyes, it’s a wonderful place to be.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 17th March 2019)

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 5. Happiness

Letting go: 5. Happiness

Admittedly, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom this last year, there have been moments when I have felt so happy, nothing could touch me.  That happiness has come from different areas of my life, and it has spurred me on.

It is what I am ultimately seeking, a life that is calm, peaceful, nurturing and relatively stress free.  I don’t think it’s really too much to ask for, but in order to achieve it, I know that I must address the balance and rid myself of the negative factors first.

The first step to that, is to stop taking the responsibility or blame for other peoples’ actions, and to leave them where they belong.

It is also fundamental that I don’t accept people disrespecting me, because it leads to my disrespecting myself, which is definitely wrong on all levels.  As they say:

“Happiness is a state of mind, and not a destination”. 

So, I am going to promise myself that each day, I do something that makes me ‘feel good in my soul’, which can’t be a bad thing!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

 

Update:

Since the decision to shield myself or walk away from negative people and situations, I have felt some real differences in my day to day life.  In spite of health not being on my side for most of the last 2 years, and having many emotional issues to deal with, I have battled on in search of this one thing.Find yourself

But, I am pleased to report that now at least my frame of mind is in a good place.  I would also say quite whole-heartedly that I am happy.  Many doors were closed at the end of last year.  Since then I have managed to somehow maintain this upbeat attitude and mindset since then.

I know that I still have anger within me.  But I also know that I am right to feel that anger. 

No longer will I make excuses or be quick to forgive other peoples’ shortfalls.  Especially if they know, they should really know better.

I have finally realised my true worth, after years of being made to feel worthless, .  And no one can take that away from me.  Never again, will I allow anyone to question my own integrity or make me feel bad about who I am as a person.  Sx ❤️

Artwork by me: I am enough

Poetry: I keep that beast inside

(Tues 26th February 2019)

 

 

 

Letting go: 4. JOY

Such a small word that has a huge meaning!

Joy is something else I always strive for.  I find joy in the simplest of things, whether it’s a pretty creation I’ve made, a piece art I have done, or just spending time doing anything that makes me feel uplifted.   Just doing the things that I enjoy, makes me feel good about myself, and it’s something I can’t get enough of, it makes me thrive.  Another thing I always say is:

“Out of my misery something beautiful is always created”.

Because it’s often at these times that I am most imaginative.

So, I am going to promise myself that I will make more room in my life so that I have the proper time to follow my heart.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I am pleased to say that in spite of having such bad health over the last couple of years, I have at least continued to be as creative as I can be.  After this entry, I began creating a scrapbook full of the inspirational quotes and words, many of which had been previously stuck to my walls as daily visual reminders.  It has been a labour of love creating this book, as each page has been hand-decorated in a variety of different ways, making it a beautiful book to pick and browse through.  I still have several more pages to do, before this first book is completed, it is not something to be rushed, and If I’m honest I will have many more of these to do.  If you would like to see some of these scrapbook pages I have added some photos under my lovely creations tab.

The other positive thing that has happened, is that I have taken up my writing again, something that has been dormant for quite a while.  I was inspired to put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, and I haven’t looked back.  So much so, it’s what brought about “My kind of beautiful”, and for that I am very thankful.Word art: JOY 4

I have bottled up so much up over the years, not realising just how fundamental it was for me to write my feelings out.  It was also the inspiration behind the word art “Joy” that I did, because the word itself is important to me.

It was such an important reawakening for me, to once again have an avenue to channel my thoughts and emotions.  It feels like finding an old friend again…

It gives me great joy to see the words I have strung together and the creations I have made on my website and other social media.  It is even better knowing that I have the courage to put myself and my truth out there, and that I am touching so many strangers who are responding back.

I don’t feel unheard anymore, and whatever else may still be lacking in my life, at least joy is not one of them.

Sx ❤️

(updated Weds 13th February 2019)

 

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