Letting go: 9. Friendship

9. Friendship

I have been forced to re-evaluate some of the friendships and people in my life.  So-called friends of mine have challenged my integrity a few too many times.  I have recoiled at the naivety and envy that has been displayed and demonstrated by people who are supposed to be close to me.  I have felt the brunt of being an innocent target, just because I didn’t ‘understand’ someone else’s idea of “time served” or “group” etiquette.  I have been left dumbstruck, by the efforts that have been made to reduce me at times.

Letting go: 9. Friendship

I have been knocked back by comments made by people who should know better, they became green-eyed through envy just because of my own personal journey and subsequent freedom.  They have demonstrated their jealousy without abandon at times, not realizing that it only reflected badly on them.

And yes, I have been wounded by thoughtless and maybe sometimes callous words, to the point where yet again I have automatically blamed myself for whatever it was that had gone wrong.  Instead of celebrating my success with me, they have treated me like I’m a threat.  To what I don’t know and to be honest I no longer really care.

I am a Queen

I am not even in the same league as them, I am way out ahead, but they are too naïve to understand this. I am a queen, compared to them.  But they envy my position, because they do not realise that it takes time and experience to reach this status.  It is not something that can be rushed or challenged…

Becoming a Queen happens to all women eventually… when they finally wake up and see their own potential and worth.

Letting go: 9. Friendship

Lessons learned

I am beyond competing and comparison at their level.  For a while I was dragged in and given a false sense of belonging… to something.  But deep down I knew I was never really a part of it.  But for a moment I indulged myself in the idea that I was increasing my circle of ‘friends’, and that my genuine kindness and affection was actually valued and appreciated.  But it was another lesson learnt: finding out how wrong I was!  Got my finger seriously burnt there, only because one person became too insecure and was not happy that I was being so easily accepted.

I have to say that I learnt a few unpleasant but very valuable lessons from this episode.  It crushed me at times and it bought tears at others, it sent me on a time-wasting mission, soul-searching myself for answers that were not to be found in me, they laid and still remain entirely inside someone else.

But it taught me, that I give of myself too easily, I am far too generous when sharing my kindness and love.  I should have remembered that many people are only too happy to drain the life from someone else, no matter what the cost.

Been foolish

I know I have been foolish.  I fooled myself thinking that these new formed friendships, would bare the same hallmarks of loyalty and sincerity that old friends offer.  I was however, mistaken.  And for a while I was willing to question my own integrity, looking to find those flaws over again.

Letting go: 9. Friendship

I know I have been incredibly fucking stupid.  I have turned the other cheek, instead of slapping that son of a bitch in the face.

It’s time to stop all that

  1. It is time to stop taking on the responsibility of other peoples’ actions.
  2. It is time to stop making excuses for other peoples’ behaviour.
  3. It is time to stop allowing other people to disrespect me, and I must start with myself.
  4. It is time to for me to see my real & actual worth, and the beauty that resides in me, because it has remained untouched and still pure.

I still possess my grace & my dignity – I wear it like a suit of armour. And when I again arise from these ashes; and it will be untainted by their malice.  They no longer have the power to belittle or reduce me down to their level.

It is time to start believing in the good of myself and other people again, and reject any harmful forces that try to steal away my light.

‘It is time for me to shine again’.

9. Friendship. Photo from: https://www.instagram.com/jillwellingtonphotography/
It’s time to shine again

Update:

It would appear that my intuition has once again served me well…  Sx ❤️

Links to: You do not see the real beauty in me

Straight from the heart: 22. Twelve months is a long time…

Straight from the heart: 22. Twelve months is a long time…

In anyone’s book, but it has felt like a life time to me.

12 months ago, my ex-husband made my life an absolute misery.  He pushed me to the point that I started to look at divorce proceedings.  This was in spite of the fact that, he was the one that first mentioned the word.  He was so adamant whilst in a fit of rage (of course), that that was what he wanted.  (But as usual he had the words, but was not willing to spend any money to carry it out).  That rage was directed, point blank, at me.  I guess he wanted a response… but not the one he got…

Because at that moment time, I couldn’t have been happier.

The best thing

No matter how my spirit might have felt crushed, those words lifted me right back up there.  It was the best thing, it felt like my soul had finally been released.  I knew at that precise moment I would fly again.  However, I also knew that until that day came and I had a piece of paper in my hand, I would have to bide my time… and deal with whatever he was going to throw at me.

Twelve months is a long time

It hasn’t been a nice year.  In fact, I think this may be my worst year ever.  With so much going against me, I wonder now, how it is that I have come through this… and keep a smile still on my face.

Because it hasn’t been easy.  I have been really battling with my illness the year, it has been a struggle at times, to even be on my feet.  And most of this is due to the constant stress within my home and an excess of outside pressures.

This year has been a huge turning point in my life, I have learned so much, felt so much and hurt so much.  But I also know, that all this stuff, will help to build the foundations for my new life.

Wylie Coyote

I won’t go into the details about what brought my ex and I to that juncture, as it means having to think and talk about him.  And to be honest that’s the last thing I need or want to do.  But what I will say is, to my knowledge I have never applied the “C” word to a person, until it became very apt for him!  I used to refer to him as “Mister”, pretty nondescript and indifferent.  Then I began calling him ‘Jekyll and Hyde’, because of his dual personality.  After that, I named him “Wylie Coyote”, because just like Wylie, whatever shit he pulled on me, it only backfired!

But now and forever more, I affectionately refer to him as “Fuckface”, which seems to be very fitting.  I was particularly pleased when Facebook came up with a definition for the word “Fuckface”, because it defined him perfectly!

I can’t find the post itself, but here’s the definition: “Fuckface”, a person who’s face upon immediately seeing, you just want to smack!

Twelve months is a long time

I also don’t want to be an embittered woman, complaining about how a man has done her wrong!  I definitely don’t want to take that thought into a new year, that’s not how I roll.

But this year has brought about many things, that I thought I would never bear witness to, but they all serve as an important lesson for my future.  I lost whatever little care or affection that I still held for him a long time ago.  Sadly, I also lost what little respect I had for him; but that wasn’t difficult, because he had no respect for himself.

Gift horses

Fuckface never knew how to be thankful.  In fact he lacked any feeling for anything, unless it was a real passion of his.  But to his regret, all too often he went too far for his own good. He stared straight down the gullet of the many gift horses I presented, never understanding genuine and uninhibited kindness for what it was.  EVERYTHING, was taken, eaten up selfishly and greedily, it really was a disgusting sight to watch.  It’s a shame he didn’t have the same gusto, when it came to his responsibilities, but hey ho!

But, as I have said before, I blame myself, because I allowed it to continue.  End of.**

The end

Finally, my divorce came through on Tuesday, October 22nd, even though I didn’t find out until two days later.  It marked the end of an eighteen year long relationship, one that should never have got this far and/or have ended long before. It was the end of any kindness or concessions.  It was the end of financial burden and attachment.  It cost me dearly.  I have lost more money than I have gained, but it didn’t matter to me, because quite simply:

Money has never been my king.  

So many friends suggested I held out for more or that I shouldn’t have given in, but they didn’t know the pain I was in.  In the end, I opted for the “I just want to be done with this” attitude, to me, not being attached to him and starting over was far more imperative than what I was leaving behind or losing.  After all, I was never going to get it back, was I?  However, any celebrations were short lived, because my status might have changed, but not my circumstances.  They were still very much the same!

So instead, I became internally stronger, and remained graceful and dignified at all times.  I think that got to him more, because I simply did not respond to his angry words and threats any more.  Which in turn, made my life easier.

From home to house

Our house, is another story.  I put my blood, sweat and tears into creating a fabulous space, I called home.  But it soon reverted from home to house, it was no longer my ‘home’ as emotionally and mentally I had already left.  It’s been on the market since Feb this year, and we had a sale within the first few days.  It looked like everything was going to be sorted.  However, I didn’t bank on Fuckface sinking so low, and being the complete and utter t**t that he is!

Long story, short, we had a sale, he refused to sign the property papers agreeing to it, so 4 and a half months later, buyers lost interest, and found somewhere else.  His reasons for doing this?   Well, besides blackmailing me with a list of conditions, your guess is as good as mine.  It intrigues me more, because he was the one who bullied me into selling it in the first place!  See why I called him Wylie?  But I guess he must have thought he was being really clever.

Twelve months

But anyway, I began by saying that 12 months is a long time, because it feels like this has all happened day by day, frame by frame, in slow-motion.  Remembering how I felt back then… almost, but not quite broken.

The moment it changed

I so needed to take control again, bit by bit and piece by piece.  Slowly picking up fragments of myself that had been lost on the wayside.  I have felt and been so alone at times.  But solitude gave me what I needed – time.  Time to inspect and search through all my broken pieces, and discard the fragments that were putrid.  There has been no outside influence or interference in the process, it was just down to me.  Muddling my way through my mind, and as usual making sense of it all, seeing the answers I couldn’t find before.

All I need now, is for the house to be sold again, this is my one true wish for this next year.  Because it will finally mean that I can finally sever all my links with Fuckface and move on.

After all it’s been over 2 years since our marriage ended, and two months since our divorce, I think it’s more than time now.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thDecember 2014

Update:

These days, he doesn’t come to mind, unless I recognise similar patterns and behaviours in someone else.  And when that has happened, it has felt like a rude re-awakening, with trumpets and bells sounding out the arrival of red flags.

I know when wrote this, I was in a really bad way and in a very bad place.  How I managed to keep my resolve and find strength throughout this time, is still a mystery to me.  I can honestly say that whole episode has never once brought tears, even though I have often felt that way.  I guess after so many years, it was anger and contempt that I felt most, I didn’t have any tears for him.

But now it has been over 4 years since I started again, I am happy with who I am, and where I’m at in my life.

The only regret I have is that I should have done it so much sooner. Sx ❤️

** I’ve have since addressed this!

Links to The narcissist and Untouched

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 8.  Romance

Letting go: 8.  Romance

Romance etc, has been on the back burner for some time now.  However, there have been moments with online dating sites, when I thought I was ready to take that particular leap of faith again, only to find myself hot-footing it back again.  So may be I am not quite ready to go down that romantic path or find love again just yet!

Being fragile

It’s obvious to me, why there are still many fragile parts of me, that still feel raw and very vulnerable.  No one, is left untouched or unmarked after leaving a long relationship, especially if it was an unhappy one.  But to many, my pretty face and smile is enough to have hidden away all my heartache. UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_12b

It has made me into a very different woman, not one to openly expose the lack of romance in my heart or broadcast my sadness.  I am not as accepting or as tolerant as I was before.  Going through the motions, just for the sake of being with someone, is not me, things have to be real.  Enough time has already been wasted with the wrong people, I don’t anyone to drain me anymore.  I am a grown woman after all and I’m in need of love!

Dating sites

Time spent on dating sites, have been nothing but soul destroying and have further disillusioned me.  What does it really say about us?  Why is it that we have to resort to online sites to find romance, companionship, love or whatever it is you might be looking for?  I have seen thousands of faces and read thousands of profiles, but only a handful have ever sparked my interest; and even fewer have really turned my head.  But none of them, have actually been who they say they were.  They have all ended up being a bit wolfish in spite of their cute ‘lamb’ disguise.

The ones who have taken a chance and messaged, have been rude, derogatory or haven’t read my profile beforehand.  If they had, they would clearly see that because of intention, height, age or location, they are unsuitable.  Nevertheless, they still the take the chance anyway and believe there is a possibility of a relationship… of any kind.  Maybe they think they’ll catch me on a good day, when romance is high on my agenda and I might overlook such important details!

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_93I have given dating sites a good go, but I haven’t quite lost faith that I will find my true love.  For me, all my senses need to be fired up.  I won’t get that feeling from a photograph or a few lines.   I have to meet someone, size them up and feel their vibes, otherwise there is nothing.

No more kissing toads

When I first signed up on a dating site, I did so whole-heartedly.  Unfortunately, it didn’t take long before disappointment set in.  I didn’t find love or romance, but something else entirely.  I have to confess I am not prepared to kiss any more frogs or toads.  So for the moment, I will leave things to chance and hope I meet someone the old-fashioned way.

It will happen, when it’s the right time for it to happen, and there’s no point in rushing or pushing myself to be ready, before I actually am.  So, I will patiently wait for my Prince to come along… who will hopefully romance me the way I like.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31stDecember 2016)

 

Update:

In spite of my feelings about using online dating sites, I continued to persevere.  Even though I haven’t met my so-called “Mr Right” yet, I still have a romantic belief that there’s a possibility that he’s out there.

They want to chat forever, but never meet…

Over the last couple of years, I have engaged in a variety of conversations with a variety of different men.  Some chats were cut short very quickly, some eventually fizzled out, and some the conversation is still going.  However, regardless of the nature, so far none have led me any closer to what it is I seek.  Love and romance still elude me, as it seems they want to chat forever, but never meet… I still can’t get my head round that!

I am neither expecting or looking for a guy to charm me, wine and dine me, or financially take care of me.  But what I do expect is for them to respect me.  Using dating sites have been both very frustrating experience and a real eye-opener at the same time.  Having been off the market for so long, it has certainly taught me an awful lot about men.   In turn, I also recognise that there is a lot of behaviour I will no longer tolerate or accept.  In particular narcissism, ignorance and arrogance.  I am not saying that I am anything special, but I do know that I am far from being an average kind of woman.  One who is fully aware of what I bring to the table, and what I’m not looking for.

I know my own worth.

I could be so many things

There have many requests made of me for anonymous sex, to be a dominatrix, to be a mistress, a booty call. I have even been offered money to spend a night with someone.  I could be so many things, but this that’s not what I’m looking for.  If I took up every offer of sex, I could be a very busy, tired but busy gal.  I have received numerous unrequested ‘intimate’ photos, as though somehow a ‘dick shot’ will suddenly change my mind!  But now, I return the same favour, if a guy sends me a photo of dick, I send him a photo of another mans’ dick, and see how they like it.  It’s worked an absolute treat so far!

Hiding

I don’t want to sound anti-men, far from it, but online dating sites have changed how people interact with easy other.  People become brave, because they are hiding behind a screen, it’s gives a false sense of confidence, as if anything goes.  Men who would normally never approach me, some as young as 18, are all willing to give it shot.  If only they would just take a few moments to read my profile, it would save both their energy and effort.  I have even had arguments with guys, who refuse to accept the fact that I am not interested in them.  The type who turn nasty, because they can’t deal with rejection, even though it’s for obvious reasons like location, height, age etc.

But I’ve had enough of guys thinking that just because they are not in front of me, it doesn’t matter how they behave toward or speak to me.  Some have been down right rude and perverse, but it makes me smile to think they actually believe their approach might work.   However,  I am always polite and respond in a nice way, one they can clearly understand.

There have been a couple of guys, who have broken the surface of my skin, but few have resulted in actual meeting.  So here I sit, still alone for the moment but still looking.  I will not give up looking or stop hoping.

He who is meant for me, is still out there… Sx ❤️

(5th April 2019)

Letting go: 7. Integrity

Letting go: 7. Integrity

Originally from my personal blog, “Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind”

integrity | ɪnˈtɛɡrɪti | noun [mass noun] the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles: a gentleman of complete integritythe state of being whole and undivided: upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty• the condition of being unified or sound in construction: the structural integrity of the novel• internal consistency or lack of corruption in electronic data: [as modifier] :  integrity checking[1]

To me, in simple terms this means:

“Doing the right thing, even when no one is around to witness it”.

How to lose me

The quickest way to lose me, is to question my integrity or to show me that you have none!  It is way up there on my list of virtues, no ifs, no buts, no deviations, and no argument.

I have come across too many people that have lacked this quality, and spent far too much time in their company.  But it not something that I tolerate well, so from now on I would rather leave people who lack it, well enough alone.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I have since learned just how much integrity means to me.  Having been on the receiving end and having witnessed so any occasions when people have demonstrated their lack of it, it has done more than raise an eyebrow, and I have lost respect for these people because of it. I have many people in my life, who don’t even know that I can write, or that I am so creative or talented in many things.  They do not know that I have been writing for years and have created more than just a personal blog.  But they chose to ignore or not see that side of me, and therefore have no comment.  I sometimes feel that people would choke on their words, if they tried to say something to me.

I suppose the question I always ask myself is:

“If they are able to do something (not good), and not think twice about it, then what else are they capable of?” 

If I have that feeling about someone, they will lose/never have my trust or be allowed full access to enter my life.

I’m not even sure why it is so important to me, but it is a trait I will look out for in the simplest actions.  It has left me cold at times, when I have watched other peoples’ behaviour, when they believe themselves unseen.  It is akin to taking pride in yourself and your conduct, and a ‘must have’ quality.

But sadly, so many people let themselves down.  Sx ❤️

[1] Taken from Apple Inc. Dictionary 2.3.0 “203.16.12)

 

Straight from the heart: 21. My fathers’ words

Straight from the heart: 21. My fathers’ words

After yet another restless night, I awoke this morning in a very contemplative mood.  After a while, this led to an epiphany which has troubled me all day.  I think I may have mentioned before, something that my father always used to say to me, being the youngest of 7 siblings; and that was

“you have got to fight for your survival, if you’re going to survive Sharon”.

At the time he meant getting my share of everything, as my brothers and sisters were always put first, and with an age gap of 5 years; I soon learned to grow up pretty quick.  And on occasions, when I have been accused of being ‘spoilt’, they have heard the bad side of my tongue, because they have no idea of the sacrifices I had to make, because of them.  My childhood, for one, they weren’t around when I needed support, they had all left and gone about their business. IMG_0079

Years later, they didn’t see the reaction I got after I gave up a college course my father had insisted that I do.  After all, I was the last chance in his eyes, I was the last chance to get it right, produce something that was well educated and would go far, a progeny he could be openly proud of.

They also didn’t see, me paying my way through college with an Avon cosmetics jobs, or that the only extra money I got, was the family allowance money (which wasn’t much), that mum gave me.  All because he flatly refused to further support me in any way, shape or form at college.  There are many, many other instances that I can recall, but I have strayed from my point.

Anyway, this morning, I got to thinking about the battles I have fought in my life to get here, you know, the times I really did have to fight for my survival.  And I started right from the very beginning, my birth.  I was born with a condition called ‘Vulvulus‘, which means a twisted intestine.  Quite a serious condition for a baby, because it meant I could not keep food down in my stomach, and was constantly vomiting.  At the time, my folks were living in London, and it took many visits to Southampton General Hospital, before I had surgery; and partly because of that I still have stomach problems today and bear a large scar to boot.  Obviously, it was touch and go, but I have always said that ‘I wasn’t meant to be here, so that’s what makes me special! 🙂

I’ve spent time revisiting my youth and adolescence, and the issues relating to that time, through to my early twenties.  I had started a business at 21, did it for a few years, then became constantly employed, I’ve had relatively few jobs in my life, because I have always stuck at things, wanting to see the end of something. UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_ff

But in actual fact, my ambition had been driven. Driven by my fathers’ words, that had never left me, even now I hear them in my head.  I took on challenging jobs, in very male dominated environments, but I knew my stuff, so no one could touch me.  I worked hard, harder that any of my employers ever deserved, only to try and climb an invisible ladder to nowhere, but empty promises.

Especially the last job, the amount of pressure I was put under, from day one.  This time I was working mainly with young men, doing Construction apprenticeship training.  I had a vast case load (popular industry), extra out of hours tasks with open evenings, giving talks to local schools, staff training and so on.  I gathered knowledge, I taught myself, I went to night school to become a trainer, I qualified earning a teaching diploma.  Then I went on to the full qualification, getting teaching practice in, and gathering certificates for anything that might be useful for the future.  But in the end, it was a non-starter.  That when the walls came tumbling down…

And now? Even though I have not worked for so many years, I am still fighting.

There was my ex husband, who had basically manipulated or abused my good nature from the onset, making demands of me when I stepped in to help his business.   I knew our relationship not quite right; I was not being recognised for anything.  He disregarded my achievements or input, everything was so one-sided; but it was my money that created the home and sanctuary, it was my money that mainly paid the bills.

Finally, when I realised that I could move no further forward, I fought to save myself through my depression, fibromyalgia, sciatica and so many other illnesses, and again during the break-up of my marriage.  I was always fighting to always do the right thing…  But the right thing for whom?

And then it struck me!

40042200_1909492615756275_1190609254218727424_nHad I really spent a large chunk of my life, living up to and going further than my fathers’ expectations?

To the point he couldn’t criticise me for things I have done for and by myself?  Maybe that was my sub-conscious goal.  I didn’t want to hear his criticisms, because he spent a lot of time criticising others for their shortfalls, as though he had none himself.

Or was it just sheer defiance in me, that has made me so determined to always do my best, and achieve as much as I can?

Or was I simply seeking some approval from my dad?

But the truth is, my father has no idea about my skills, qualifications, education or abilities.  He has no idea or understanding about the jobs I have done, my achievements, the responsibilities I have held, or even the reputation and respect that I gained professionally.  He certainly doesn’t know about my art, my creativity or my writing skills.  He really knows nothing about me at all, but in his eyes, I like my siblings could/should have done better.  Never once has he ever taken into account, what we might have wanted for ourselves.

All I know is that I have pushed & pushed myself.  I have always been so hard on myself.  I have punished myself constantly to do better, to feel worthy. And this is the result of it all.  Everything I have ever worked for sits with in this house, this place I used to call my home.

The sad irony is that in spite of everything, it is all being stripped away from me, by the very man my father approved of most.

And that I have to accept.

Sharon Carter-Wray
(12th December 2014)

Update:

In about 3 weeks, I will be celebrating my 4thanniversary of starting over.  I will confess that this part of my life journey has been a solitary one and has not been easy.  I have almost constantly been plagued throughout with pain, depression, low moods and a few other issues sent to test me.

But now when I feel like my mood or physical health is really going to bring me down, I remind myself of what a remarkable and incredibly strong woman I am.

I have come through the other side; I still have a smile on my face… and that is enough for me.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 24thMarch 2019)

You have everything in you

 

Straight from the heart: 20. Red Letter Day

Straight from the heart: 20. Red Letter Day

Today, I read the last letter I wrote to myself about 4 months ago.  It is the second time I have done this, and I find it an invaluable means of bookmarking my life.

It also useful for measuring if anything has changed, got better or stayed the same.  But it is more importantly, a reminder from myself about a period of time I want to move on from.

I don't care how longIt might sound like a very simple, but writing an open and honest letter to yourself, is a difficult thing to do.  It is hard to put real words to emotions or feelings, that can sometimes be so alien to us, and delving into our inner psyche and soul is not something to take on lightly.  It forces you to acknowledge every aspect of your life, where you’ve been, your current situation, and where you hope to be; and is an opportunity to air it in a safe way.

You can discover so much about yourself and the reasons why you might behave a certain way or have a certain attitude.  So, if you really want to know yourself better, write it down, the good and the bad, then take a good look at it, and really think about it.  You will find answers, but you need to give yourself time, to absorb this new information.

Anyway, back to my letter, I read it this morning and I was quite overwhelmed by the contents.  I remember at the time, I was so in need of nurturing, love and care, I was also in a lot of pain and pretty much lost and alone.

In spite of that, it was a very positive letter, just talking about my future, when I will finally move on from the existence I’ve had and still have now.  It was about recognizing my acceptance of things that I can’t change, and the acknowledgement of the misery I had experienced, and the dreams I still have left.

It was powerful reading.  I was being kind to myself for once. I smiled, and then eventually cried, as I read.  It was a beautiful letter, penned by me, to me.

Only I know of the subtle changes that have taken place over recent months.  I alone, have noted the true power of my self-belief, and my determination to bring about change.What lies behind us

So today I have been reminded, and have been able to measure, that emotionally and psychologically, I have advanced forwards, by quite a distance.

But physically, I am still waiting to move on to my new life.  This is the one thing, for which I have absolutely no control.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7th December 2014)

Update:

Thankfully on 17th April 2015, I finally got what I so needed, I moved into my flat and began the process of getting my life back together again!  Sx ❤️

 

Writing challenge

I was asked to take part in this writing challenge around May/June 2018, and I have to confess that I cannot find the information about the person who nominated me.  I am assuming that he is no longer on this site, and having checked other nominee sites for their response, I have not found anything there either.  It appears I only printed off the last page of his post, which didn’t include his details, and for that I sincerely apologise.

Life got in the way last year, but I always had it in mind to do this, so here goes:

Firstly, I would like to thank the person who nominated me, if you are seeing this please respond so I can thank you properly.  I took it as huge compliment to be invited to to be part of such a challenge, and it certainly made me think.  It was just as hard coming up with responses for these 5 questions, as it was to create 5 new ones.

  1. Where is the most inspiring place I have ever visited?

India

I have always had a fascination with India, but for some reason it was one of those places I never thought I’d never get to.  But literally by chance on the return trip from another holiday, flights were overbooked and as a result we were given 2 x return flights to anywhere the airline went.  And I made the most of the opportunity, and went to the place of my dreams, flying first to Delhi and then on to Goa.  We were staying overnight before our connection the next day, and in the that time we took in as much as we could.

Delhi, is an amazing and overwhelming place to take in, and emotions ran from being in awe of the city to feeling sadness, when seeing how people really had to live.  Seeing how families would maim their own to send them begging from tourists, was not an easy pill to swallow, and it was difficult to un-see.

As soon as you enter the airport, you are struck by the sheer number of people; and when you leave the airport and enter the city, not only is it people, but cars, tuk-tuks, cows, goats, elephants, mopeds and more.  It was no surprise to see mopeds all fully stocked to the hilt, with half a dozen passengers including babes in arms, as well family animals.

The noise hits you with a vengeance, the various smells and aromas certainly tickled the senses.  Delhi is a wash of vibrant colour, from the clothing to the monuments, it was so much more than I imagined, and I am so glad I was able to visit.  But for me, one day was enough, the place was far too busy for a restful break.

I did return to India 3 more times, but went directly to Goa which is a much quieter and calmer place, with a beautiful beach.  That’s the place I fell in love with.

  1. What do I perceive to be my greatest asset?

Integrity

I have to say that it is difficult to choose only one!  I guess I am most proud of the fact that in spite of whatever has happened in my life, I have remained a good, decent, grounded and honest person.   But integrity- doing the right thing regardless, for me is everything.  I hate to see inconsistency in peoples’ behaviour, when it is determined by whether they can be seen or not.  And for me it is the basis as to whether I can truly trust someone, so in turn that’s who I am, I will always do the right thing.  I feel quite confident that most people I know would vouch for me on this.

  1. Who, above anyone else, could I l not live without.

This is a really tough question for me to answer, because I have already lost the people I would name.  I have become so self-reliant, because I have been let down too many times without a second thought.  I have felt this sense of detachment from so many people including family over the years, so I keep my circle very tight.

However, I have a handful of friends who are very dear to me, and I love wholeheartedly.  Even though we are not in each other’s pockets all the time, their existence, is not only important but really matters to me.

 

  1. What drives me to publish content on WP or other platforms?

I have discovered my voice and creativity again, and this time I want to be seen and heard!

The very first blog I created ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, was my way of releasing how I felt in the depths of depression, and the full onset of Fibromyalgia and other conditions.  It was not a happy blog, but the intent was to shed light on a subject that was not readily discussed.  It was very raw, honest and personal, and I needed to do to it, because it allowed me to move on.  It eventually came to a point when I looked back at what I’d written over the years, and could see the sadness, anger and agony I’d been in; that’s when I knew I had come an extremely long way.  It was no longer who I was or wanted to be, and for a very long while I stopped writing.

It is very powerful medicine for me, and has helped tremendously with my healing process.  For years I had written, just to release my pent-up feelings, emotions and frustrations, not ever seeing it as a talent or indeed worthy of sharing.  About 15 months ago, something changed.  There was a spark of inspiration, and all my words that had been bottled up came flooding out.  It made me see how much I had missed doing it.

At the same time, I have always used my creative mind to make a variety of beautiful things, that only few people have seen.  I realised that it was all going to waste, or I was, because I had trapped myself in a bubble that wasn’t going to burst.  I initially posted on other poetry sites, but they were too limiting and gave little control or disappeared completely.  It was because of this that I was spurred on to create my new WordPress site, a place where I can showcase everything I do.

I would like to think that by having my site and sharing my written work elsewhere on social media, is an opportunity to be the voice of those that can only feel, but maybe cannot speak.  I am a great advocate for ‘saying it, as it is’, it’s personal and straight from the heart, and I am not afraid to write/speak of my own experiences.

I have suffered in silence for far too long, and swallowed down way too much pain inside; and even if I only touch or inspire one other person, then that makes me so happy!

  1. If I could combine any two super powers to become the ultimate hero or villain, what would they be and how I would utilise them in the modern world?

I would love to have the ability to be able to flit from one place to another and the power to make people visualise the bigger picture; to make them think twice before they act, so they can see the truth of their actions and enable change.

Attitudes have changed so much over the last 20 years, especially when it comes to how women and children are viewed.  Somehow, we became accepting of abuse, only being horrified when something hit the headlines, but now it is rife, and we’re no longer surprised by this kind of behaviour. In fact, in some cases we almost made to go as far as judging the victim first, asking if they possibly deserved it or bought it on themselves.  It is a sad state of affairs, and it is not only women and children, men get abused too, and unfortunately our poor animals also suffer.

I would like to use my powers to show people the real consequences of their thoughtless words, actions and behaviour toward another.  For them to actually see what happens – after, see the real impact they make, the lasting long-term damage and to feel the same pain they may have inflicted.

I know there are some genuinely cruel people in the world, but I would also like to think that most don’t actually intend to go and deliberately hurt someone, but in a fit of rage, anger or whatever, something snaps.

It would be a nice though to be able to step in, and make that person have a flash of the implications of their actions, making them think twice before they do what they’re intending on.

There are many things that seriously need addressing in our world today, social media, rather than bringing people together seems geared to causing conflict instead, and is just another tool to exploit and further reduce people.

I am assuming that I am the only one with these particular special powers, and there is an awful lot of work to do, but I’d like to think that I may get a sidekick or two to join me.  Sx ❤️

My questions are: 

  1. What was the first thing you ever wrote or produced and blogged for the first time, and why did you choose to blog it?
  1. What is number one on your bucket list, and how do you plan to go about getting there or have you got there already?
  1. What in life makes your blood boil or feel really angry?
  1. What has been the best day of your life so far and why?
  1. What about you in particular, would you like most to be remembered for when you pass?

I would like to nominate the following blogs for this challenge:

  1. https://thatsoulshit.wordpress.com
  2. https://franksolanki.com/author/franksolanki/
  3. https://chitkaladitosh.com
  4. https://ankandas.wordpress.com/
  5. https://cristianmihai.net
  6. https://vinzpoetry.wordpress.com/author/onyecheonyeka/
  7. https://grabbablog.wordpress.com/author/virtutecinerea/
  8. https://heartbeatingwings.wordpress.com/author/melbell10/
  9. https://yellowwolfenlightenment.wordpress.com
  10. https://deontetowner.com/

I thoroughly enjoyed writing this, it certainly gave me food for thought!

I hope my nominees will all gladly take part and keep this moving so we’re paying it forward!

So thank you in advance and I look forward to seeing your responses. ❤️

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sat 2nd March 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

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