None but ourselves…
Just love this great quote from such a great man… he had so many incredibly powerful things to say. Sx ❤️
Just love this great quote from such a great man… he had so many incredibly powerful things to say. Sx ❤️
The opposite of love
People often mistakenly think that the opposite of love, is hate… but they are so, so wrong. Hate, like love is something that involves passion, there is true emotional feeling behind it. You can hate something or someone with so much passion, that it might as well be love, for the sheer power or strength you put behind it to bring those feelings out.
The opposite of love, is surely indifference; you simple don’t care anymore, it doesn’t matter to you, you don’t ‘feel’ anything, it’s almost irrelevant.
I did love my ex-husband. However, I am not sure if I ever truly fell ‘in’ love with him, for me to fall ‘out’ of love with him!
But I knew my feelings for him became less and less, as time went by. It had become a vicious cycle, I saw too much of his ugliness, to appreciate what good was left. The endless number of futile arguments/ discussions/ debates, always about the same things, took care of that. And they seemed to revolve on a quarterly basis. I got tired of having the same conversations repeatedly, that would eventually, (in spite of any initial well-intended attempts to achieve balance again), lead nowhere. Until another 3 months or so passed, and we would have the same conversation all over again, each time trying to gauge if we had moved forward, backward or stayed the same. I never felt any motion.
In the meantime, he continued with ‘his’ life, and I neither moved up or down on his agenda. In fact, I always told him that I took position no: 8, in his life. It was a position I soon realised I had to learnt to accept, there was no point in insisting I be higher up than that. It was made abundantly clear to me, that his work, his hobbies, his friends and his family came first. Always. And on those very few occasions when I held his time or attention, I began to question his sincerity, doubted his actions, and always knew there was an ulterior motive. He had a “get round to it” attitude, and that was used toward me as well. So therefore, I always had to wait – for everything. But if I didn’t put him first? Oh my goodness, he became like a brattish child, constantly whining, and wanting attention.
I wised up to his game a long while back, and every time these ‘chats’ happened, I took another step further away from him, creating distance in all senses.
I should have heeded my silent alarms, that in fact this was his second time round.
All the time he was busy blaming his ex-wife, I couldn’t help but notice and acknowledge reasons, why she would have been unhappy; and why things had perhaps gone wrong for her. He was completely blameless, of course. As he had said himself, he just “worked his arse off”, to earn a living. But that was all he did. Even when she was suffering with depression, and needed his love and support, he did nothing. He gave her no support, no help, no love, no kindness whatsoever. And then wondered why she picked up and left, leaving him behind with 2 kids. Especially as it was after a number of affairs on her part, and they had been ‘trying’ to ‘save’ their marriage.
I once said to him about 4 years ago, that he was repeating his own history, his own life story all over again. He was shocked by my intuition, but then he always was. But he was never ‘ready’ to talk about his previous life and marriage. Even after 16 years of being with me, he still took no blame, and still couldn’t bring himself to admit that he’d ‘fucked up’. Harder still, was his denial that he was doing the same things to me. But in the end, it cost him dearly, he had already started the process of losing me… about the only thing he ever actually got round to doing.
You can spend a life time with someone, and still never really know them. Or you may have suspicions about certain personality traits, and wonder where they came from, what was the influence for a persons’ behaviour. But all the time we are happy, we never really see the ugly side, and we certainly don’t go looking for it. But it’s when things are not so good anymore, for instance during or after an argument, that we notice their negative qualities. That’s when we see their selfishness, tightness, temper, and experience the venom they can spit or speak – I suppose all the qualities of hatred.
My ex, became very ugly. Ridiculous almost, with some of the things he did to ‘get at me’. Initially, I was so hurt and frustrated by his actions. I couldn’t get my head round why he could do the things he was doing, or the fact he would sink so low. But each time he did something, it usually backfired, which meant he was the one left worse off.
But it didn’t stop him, even now that we are divorced, (but forced to live under the same roof), he still does petty things to wind me up. He is like that child, forever burning his fingers, and I wonder why he still hasn’t learnt.
I had learnt my lesson well with my ex, I had learnt him well, I had seen the hidden dragon on too many occasions to ignore its’ existence. But he didn’t frighten me, not with his words or his actions. He already knew he had no way of winning any war with me, so he just made things awkward. He knew all the time he lost his head, I just got stronger. I refused to respond to him in the way that he wanted. And that made him even more angry, but there was nothing he could do with his anger, to hurt me.
At this point, I was physically in a bad way, my health problems were savage and prolonged. But I truly believe, that he was relying on my fears, that:
Would all be enough of a deterrent for me, to stay put to continue with living this life.
But I had become brave. And all because ‘the lady who saved my life’, asked me one simple question:
“Why are you with him?”
That question burnt a hole in my heart. As the only answer I had to give, was that I felt responsible for him..
I had picked him up when he was down on his knees, and somehow I still felt responsible and continued to do so. That was the wake up call!
So, he never had a clue just how elated my heart felt, on the day when I told him:
“We don’t have a marriage anymore”.
I had known it for so long, but finally I could no longer hold the words back.
When a relationship is ending, someone has to be responsible and admit that it won’t work anymore, that you’ve come to the end of the line.
No one wants to be the be first to say it.
But someone has to.
To this moment, that day has been the most significant one in my life to date! There are course other meaningful days, but none that made me realise the absolute power I hold within myself.
That day, brought about a change, that would be forever lasting. It was the day, I took control of my life again, and decided that I valued my happiness over all else.
So now, whomever enters my life, has to keep the smile on my face and not wipe it off. Simple as that. Sx ❤️
Link to: I thought you were my hero
It has taken me many years and thousands of words to get to this point of my journey; and now that I am here… I couldn’t be happier.
Until recently, I had never been brave enough, to showcase my written word to the world. But after posting on another site and getting a positive response, it seemed that launching my own site was the next natural goal to achieve.
I have only got this far, because writing is something that I love, and I have been so encouraged by readers around the world.
This is the start of a new journey for me, and one I want to fully embrace. I am not sure how successful I will be, but I can only try my best and hope that my words reach far and wide.
So, my goals for this site are as follows:
I would like to think that these goals are not unreasonable or unreachable, but please wish me luck!
It’s now been 18 months since I created ‘a beautiful mind online’ and oh my, how I have grown since then!
I do remember having to think long and hard, about what I really wanted to achieve by creating this site. Initially, I had only planned for this to be a place to publish my written work, but as time passed; I also returned to my creative roots. And it soon became apparent that I needed a place to show my many lovely creations as well, and so my goal became to create a one stop shop for everything I do..
My self confidence has been restored, and even though I am frequently floored by illness, it has confirmed that I am still capable of many things.
So, on the whole, I feel I’ve done okay. And in spite of health and other factors hindering me, I have still persevered and have gone from strength to strength.
I would like to say a big thank you to you – all my readers, likers and followers, because without you guys, this would all mean nothing. And for that, I am very humble and thankful. Sx ❤️
(Sunday 14thJuly 2019)
If you are interested in any of my work, or have any queries please feel free to contact me using the form below. 🙂
The key to
Is that I am
A complicated woman
With very simple needs.
(Sun 7thJuly 2019
Link to: The liberation of Sharon Carter-Wray
A new dawn, a new day, a new year and hopefully a new life…
At last, the start of a new year.
Heaven only knows how desperate I was to leave the last one.
I haven’t made any resolutions as such, but there are some things, that I definitely want to leave behind. I am not planning on giving up any habits as such, because I have a firm philosophy that
“Everyone should have at least three vices for a happy life”.
Unfortunately, most people automatically think of a vice as something that is bad for you. But to me, a vice is:
“Anything that gives you pleasure and makes you feel good in the soul”
And yes, a vice could be drinking, smoking, eating chocolate – the ‘usuals’. It could be cutting the crusts off from your bread, because, you feel it makes your sandwich taste better. A vice could even be that you like to fit in an extra Pilates class, when you should be doing something else. Or maybe, that you like to lock the bathroom door, and have 1/2 an hour of peace and quiet, whilst you indulge in bubbles, candlelight and music.
Whatever it is, it may be bad for your health in one way, but it can be positively good for your mental and spiritual health in another.
I learnt for real a while back -having lost many close family members, that life really is too short.
The list can on, but this is just a few of the things that I believe and that matter to me.
I have allowed some people to take up too much space in my life, and they have not cultivated their plot, so it has become overgrown with weeds that are deep rooted. It dawned on me a short while ago, (whilst having a face to face with myself in the mirror,) that for a long time my life has not been about me. It has been about other peoples. It’s been about my family and my friends, about their unhappiness, fears, anger & their frustrations; their wars, their problems and their issues etc.
Having recognised this painful truth, and as much as I may love them, some of these people have done me more harm than good, and they need to go or have their role reduced. They have often been a huge drain on my resources, almost making me topple under the weight of their burdens. I have allowed them to take so much time away from me, forcing me to rush through ‘my’ day, never having time to sit and reflect on my own concerns. So now, one thing I know I can do to improve my health and my life, is to start letting them go; in order to reclaim my time back. It is definitely a new dawn…
So, I have decided that this year, is going to be ‘MY’ time. I will spend more time focusing on the things that make me happy, or feel good, and really look after myself and my needs. One thing I know for sure, is that I will no longer spend time with people, who have no time for me.
I just want to laugh, to dance and sing!
I am fully prepared to embrace this new year, and I am actually excited by the many possibilities that lie ahead!
(1st January 2015)
Much as I was so determined 4 years ago, ‘the update’ is I have to confess, that I am still guilty of holding on to some people/things for far too long. Got my fingers burnt again flying to close to the sun, but this time I already had my eyes open, so I knew what was coming.
In the last 18 months my integrity has been tested, by many who were supposed to be close family and friends. They have also tested my loyalty and my patience, to such a degree, I have been forced to turn around and walk away from them; so another update to my social circle. I have zero tolerance for insincerity, that I know, and at times I am so aware of my solitude. But I would rather have that, than be drowned in a sea of negativity, weighted down by someone else’s bricks.
But in spite of all that, I am a much happier person for it. And even though, I am soon to be 54, life still has many more lessons for me to learn. And no doubt a few more mountains for me to climb… Sx ❤️
Links to: I am enough
 Face to face in a mirror, an exercise I do on a regular basis and recommend to anyone who is going through any kind of emotional crisis, when you lose sight of who you really are. It’s not easy to do at first, because it something quite alien to us. But once you start to practise it, you begin to see yourself in a different way, and are able to give yourself a “pep talk”.