I’m still here…

Bit by bit

I am starting to see

The unravelling process

That will uncover me

Over quite some time

I have freed my mind

Of the broken woman

That dwelled inside

Soaked up too much angst

That thickened my skin

Thankfully,

It didn’t get to seep within

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I see nothing but masks

On every familiar face

That I’m supposed to see

Brightly painted masks

Attempting to hide

The reality that’s really behind

 

Kind words and sweet smiles

That lack sincerity

Is what I feel from some

Who surround me

Lacking knowledge and truth

They think they can mock me

Speak ill of me behind my back

Can they can’t see,

I’m way beyond all that?

 

Being given a Judas kiss

And shown fake concern

They’re only interested

In what they can learn

Stroking me with one hand

Whilst holding a knife in the other

I just don’t understand

Why on earth do they bother?

 

Just by being the woman I am

One who is upstanding

Genuine, proud and true

It seems that I am just

Too much for their type

Should I lessen who I am

To prevent their acrimony?

Don’t they understand

One day they could very well

End up

Being

Just

Like

Me?

 

Who will they look to then?

When their so-called friends

Are not so pleased for them

And would rather quietly

And deliciously

Enjoy their demise?

Is that when they’ll see

Their whole relationship

Has in fact been based

Completely on lies?

 

But, I can’t be someone else

Just to ease their minds

Or to please their needs

I have eyes and ears

I see their resentment

And I hear their unspoken truth

Because they have now lost

What others have instead gained

They can’t lick their wounds

They have to cause more pain

 

Their hostility, is theirs to own

Let them treasure it

Like pointless threads of gold

I am made of stronger stuff

No longer held together

By just string and glue

Once I would have let it hurt me

But now?

Let them be, who they be

And do, what they’ve got to do…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who am I?

I took a good hard look at myself

And I wasn’t sure what I saw

I don’t look like

A business woman

I don’t look like

A child

I don’t look like

I’ve loved and lost

I don’t look like

I’m unkind

I don’t look like

The lonely sort

I don’t look like

The sort that cries

Why can my face not show

What I feel inside?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thJuly 1986)

 

Home

My whole life

Is within this home

My old friends surround me

We have travelled

Both far and near

Everything

Has a day, a time, a person

Attached to it

As a reason for being here

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thMarch 1986)

Choices

I often wonder

How different

My life would be

If I had made

Some different choices

Would things have

Turned out the same?

Would I still be

The independent woman

That I once was?

Would I still be working

Or have given up

To do my own thing?

Would I have become

The teacher

That I knew I could be?

Would I be the same

If I’d had

A different history?

If I had not

Faced so much misery?

Who would I be

If that first man

Had not spoiled me?

Or my husband not

Ruined me?

If I’d stayed alone

And pursued my dreams?

If I had followed my heart

And not another’s

Reckless schemes?

If I had said “Fuck you”

Instead of “I do”

Just who would I be?

 

Or was I just destined

To have this life

And to be me?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13thJuly 2018)

When is enough finally enough?

I guess this a question that we all have to face at some time in our lives, with jobs, houses and problems etc.  But what about when we have to face that question when it’s on a really personally level?  Like staying with the person you have shared a whole life with, loved or married?

How easy is it then?

Because when you are in a close relationship, it generally goes without saying, (and I think maybe more so for women than men) that we; already tolerate too much, compromise ourselves too much, bite our tongue too much and make sacrifices at a personal cost too frequently.Sometimes it hurts

For me, I realised several years ago that I had to save myself, or I would face remaining unhappy for the foreseeable future.  The decision was pretty clear-cut, once I made it.  But as the saying goes, “Hindsight is always a better advantage point.”

It was a very long and dark road that I took to get here, and only now can I openly confess that I should have brought things to an end, way way back.  But I took my commitment to my marriage seriously.  It had never been on my list of 1-10 things I had to achieve in my life…  But I did it all the same.

Our relationship before marriage was not always perfect, but our relationship after marriage was not exactly what I had pictured, and eventually only hi-lighted the huge crevices between us.  “We grew apart” is such an appropriate phrase, as that is what had happened, but we also grew in completely opposite directions.  We became more of our real selves.  He became more selfish, and self assured; I became more confident and assertive.

Though out my marriage/partnership/relationship, I had always felt so alone.  But a few years back, it became quite apparent that this was not just an emotional state of mind, it was indeed a physical fact.  Any quality time that we could have had for us, was completely consumed by his own constant need for self, whether that be his work, sailing, Playstation or motor bike.  So I had to make do with whatever was left over.

I became a widow to them all!

Believe me, I had serious doubts on my wedding day, and I suppose I had been silently grieving ever since.  Things had changed, for the worse.  I wasn’t meant to have such an empty marriage, it just wasn’t meant to be that way; I thought I’d married for all the right reasons, but of course it was 2nd time round for him.  He’d been there, done that, and had his kids, blah blah blah.  I never appreciated just how important that was at the time, or in fact the size of the monster I had ‘really’ taken on.

There are many instances where I should have drawn a line, but I didn’t.  But the final blow was after a discussion with his daughter, who was visiting for the first time in ages.  It wasn’t an argument, or disagreement, it was more that I would no longer bite my tongue and just listen to bullshit anymore.

But anyway, something minor grew into something major, very quickly and gathered enough momentum to take aim and strike. This was furthermore compounded by the fact that my husband, without 2nd thought sided with his daughter; even though he was fast asleep when she kicked off.   They both left the house just after midnight, and returned some 90 minutes later, I could feel the rage enter through the door.  No questions were asked, but many assumptions had been made, doubt had been cast and blame was placed squarely on my shoulders.  And I, looked at my husband in absolute disbelief.

Only then did I truly see what had been in front of me all these years.  I had always said, that no matter what the situation, if ever there were a problem between his family and I, he would always side with his family.  Regardless.

And in those few short moments, I realised just how right I was, that I didn’t have a husband or in fact a marriage anymore.

Initially he’d claimed that he couldn’t remember what had happened, this was after his daughter was safely shipped back home.  But needless to say, I was so disgusted by him, I packed his bags and told him to leave.  But even my simple request of giving me a couple of weeks, could not be respected, as he hassled me virtually every day. Sometimes you need to fall

Months later, I learnt the truth about that night, during that day he had discussed with his daughter everything I had said to him about being unhappy, and what needed to be done to address things, and then turned the tables saying everything was my fault.  So he’d discussed our private life with his daughter, some one he hadn’t seen for 18 months, someone who had frequently demonstrated little regard or respect for him at the best of times.

But that night was the end of many things.

That night he lost everything…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(6thNovember 2014)

 

I’m done

Every man that has been

Or is still in my life

Has abused me

In some way

Physically, emotionally

Or mentally

They have all

Had a part to play

Whether it be my mind, body or soul

It seems there is no end

To the goodness in me

I have been tested

Time and again

I have been made

To feel at fault

Because I value

My own feelings and

Give myself some worth

And even though they can see it

And they know it

They know not

How to appreciate

What stands before them

To them

I am an object

Of sexual desire

I am a means to an end

I am the agony aunt

I am a problem solver

I am the emergency call

But what do I get

In return for doing it all?

For the selling of my soul?

It has become an empty virtue

This kindness in me

But it has served

No purpose other

Than to further

Invalidate me

I can never be the winner

I have lost

Before I can begin

I have been foolish

I have been naïve

Because I believed

They cared for me

But really it was

Because I fulfilled their needs

But now

I am done

I’ve stopped

Drawing the lines –

They’ve been moved

Too many times

This is it

I will not accept

This practice anymore

And for anyone else

Who chooses to

Belittle or reduce me

Who uses or abuses

Mark my words

Nice girl has gone

And I am done.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13th July 2018)

 

This is my time, my moment

I have been feeling it

For some while now

The beginning

Of a new journey

Is on the horizon

A change of mindset

Is in view

It’s time to action

And do, what I must do

I have been held in chains

By obligation

By promises that were made

Made with best intentions

Though no words

Were said

But now I must

Simply walk away

I gave it all

My best shot

Rebuilding tumbled walls

Comes at a heavy cost

But there is no one

To take my hand

There is no one

By my side

To ease the burden

That weights my mind

The anger and frustration

I have withheld

Now has a voice

So loud and so clear

Even the deaf can hear

But this is my time

This is my moment

I can feel it

As my sparkles

Begin to rise

This is my moment

To once again shine

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13thJuly 2018)

Dear mother

Dear mother

Give me strength

To fight this soul destroying

Battle within myself

For I fear, you will not be able to

To mend the broken pieces

If I should break

 

Too many shattered pieces

Have been stolen from my life

For me to be complete

So help me start over again

To replace the lost fragments with new

 

Give me the strength

Not to let bitter memories

Invade my being

Let me hold onto the good times

And forget the bad

 

Tell me that my wanting more

Has not been my downfall

But my gain

And tell me that I am still a survivor

That I am not beaten yet

 

Put the faith back in my veins

That I once had in myself

And pray

That I will not give up or give in

 

Tell me believing that

All will be good in the end

Is still worthwhile

That I am not sailing

On some incredible dream

 

Assure me that these

Black moods are a way of life

And that I am not

Just feeling sorry for myself

 

And stay with me long enough

So you can see for yourself

That I am not a failure

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st October 1985)

 

Sadly I lost my mum on the 29th January 2009, she took her last breath with me by her side, this was followed two months later by the death of my sister.

Now, some 9 years later on from these events I still feel the pain of that loss, maybe even more so now than I did before.

So love your close ones people, you just never know how long you have them for!  Sx 🙂

 

I’ll be back…

Hey there readers and followers,

Just a quick note to say sorry I’ve been away for a while, but just having a few crappy/crazy weeks, with the icing on the cake being my computer being hacked a week ago!

So thanks to all that have kept visiting in my absence, I’ll be back up and running again as soon as I can.  Sx 🙂

 

Betrayal

With my heart and soul

I believed in you

You don’t know

How much of my love

Was there to guide you through

In the many miles

I have travelled

If only you knew

How many were filled

With thoughts of my return

Or how many lonely hours I have spent

Holding on to an empty space

Wishing it to be your face

I longed for the moment

When I would fall back

Into your arms

Hoping that your love

Would totally surround me

If only you knew

How much I had missed

Every part of you

Or indeed how strong and deep

My feelings ran

 

But my welcome home

Was the mention of a sisters’ name

Time and time again

And the warmth and closeness

That you felt for her

Totally crushed me

Broke my heart a million times

And even though I cowardly cried

You misunderstood my tears

So I lied

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27thDecember 1991)

 

Don’t tell me show me

Show me a man

That will really love me

And I will show you

My inner self

 

Show me a day

That isn’t truly beautiful

And I will show you

The meaning of ugliness

 

Show me a person

That claims to have no feelings

And I will show you

Their heart

 

Show me a reason

Why man and man

Cannot live as one

And I will purify this earth

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thApril 1986)

Mother Sea

By rough and angry seas

Is where I find my peace

The splashing of the waves

Has made me rethink my ways

In one glorious hour

My mother sea

Again proved her power

She released the inner suppression

That had for so long

Governed me

For many moons

I have needed to be with her

To feel her fury

Surge through my veins

Only she can make me understand

All that really troubles me

Making me look into myself

Instead of outside

To find the cause

So long I have missed

Her soothing voice

As she sings to me

Across the waves

To remind me of those

Unforgotten days

When I would run to her

To seek an ocean of tears

That I alone could never cry

Making me realise

That I was not

Her only child.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

14thaugust 1989)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have faith

I have faith in myself

My words have set me free

Even if they sometimes feel

Like they are the very chains

Restraining me

I cannot throw

Caution to the wind

And write with abandon

My thoughts run deep

And are not at all random

The book of “My life story”

Has until now

Remained mostly unread

But now my story

Is something to share

And my words

Are something to spread

There is still

So much darkness within me

That surely needs

To see the light of day

I didn’t ask for this life

Or this history

It just happened that way

But by rooting round

Inside my agony

I keep finding the words

I need to say

Self-belief is hard to find

Even though

It’s just a state of mind

When I’ve been knocked down

And not thrown back

It’s been real hard

To get back up

But I’ve done it all the same

Hell yes!

I waited in the line

At the baggage reclaim

For my suitcase

Labeled ‘Lost Soul’

And when at last I opened it

All my hope

Came back home

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(19thJune 2018)

 

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