Straight from the heart: 27. When there’s nothing left.

So, the curtain is finally falling on my 18 and half year relationship, with my ex-husband.  Never have I ever thought, that this is how things would turn out.

All the years of frustration and bottled up feelings and emotions, are coming to an end.  The life that I’ve had to date, is definitely in the past, it is my old history, and I shall neatly pack it away, hoping to never see signs of it again.  The life, that I plan to have, will have no room for negativity or disrespect, instead I aim to fill it with anything that makes me happy.

Excess baggage

There is no place in my life, or in my heart for ex-husband.  I refuse to carry this chapter of my life around like excess baggage, the weight of which would surely see me on my knees.  He has made suggestions that he would like to maintain some contact, but I just don’t have the strength anymore.  Why would I want to continue seeing someone, who has caused me so much pain and anguish?

Maybe he thinks that I may still have some need of him in my life, that I won’t cope being on my own.  But, somehow I figure he’s going to be needing me, he’s hoping that in some way or other, I will leave doors open for him, to come and go as he pleases.  That I will still be there loyal, kind and generous, still willing to help him out, as I have always done.  But I can’t, there is nothing left.

I am not that woman anymore.  I have nothing left for him.  Whatever I had left, has been soaked up and washed away.

Nothing left

I am not sure how I do actually ‘feel’ about my ex, I have no more tears left for him, they were cried out a long time ago.  I know I don’t care or worry for him in anyway.  I know I still bear a lot of anger toward him, yet I have detached myself so much, that he may as well be a stranger.  Any kind thoughts for him have long gone and I grimace at the mention of his name.  I don’t even want to have any conversations with him or about him, unless it’s absolutely necessary.

I certainly don’t want others to keep him alive in my life either, by asking if I’ve heard from him, or telling me they’ve seen/spoken to him.  After all, he is pursuing his new life.  So leave him be.

I just have nothing left for him.  Sx

Sharon Carter-Wray

(21/05/2015)

Update

Reading this again, has made me feel a real sense of sadness.  Not for what happened or how things ended with my ex, but more because I can still feel the heartache of the disappointment, and the pain I was in at that time.

Next week, will mark the 5^th anniversary of starting my life over, and I have never once looked back with any emotionally pangs or feeling of regret.  I know it was the right thing for me to do, but the bare bones of it is, is that if I hadn’t, I really have no idea where I would be right now.

I have a very strong belief that eventually he would have truly broken me.

I would probably have been in dire straits, with nothing to show for all my hard work and achievements.  I would have had no roof over my head, that would have surely been repossessed by now.  Even though I had spent 20 years of hard graft building up something to fall back on, it would have all disappeared.  And he would still have continued to feed on me, until he bled me completely dry.

Sadly, at that time no one really knew how bad I was, I had continued to wear the same face throughout; pulled my sleeves up as usual and got on with it.  I had no choice, because the fight to survive was going on internally.

Thankfully, that is all behind me now.

Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t just see my face anymore, I see what a remarkable woman I really am and have become.  Sx

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Straight from the heart: 25. Displacement

This house, which was once my home, has (I hope) been sold today.  It marks the end of an era.  An end to a large chapter of my life.  And the beginning of feelings of displacement, as I search for a new place to call ‘home’.

When I bought this house 12 and half years ago, it was a time when my relationship had felt secure; and I was willing to make a financial commitment, with the man that became my husband.  Up until that point I had been completely independent, having already owned two previous homes, and coped very well on my own, thank you.  But somehow, it seemed like the next most natural step, it had felt like the right thing to do, at the time.

After his children left to live with their mum, my ex, all but moved in with me, even though he had his own place still.  It wasn’t at my request that he moved in, he’d just decided he didn’t want to be on his own, in his own home any more.  And that was it, he never left.

Moving on..

It became time to move on again, and that’s when I found this place.  This house talked to me, from the moment I saw it from outside, before I had even knocked on the door.  I knew that I had found the right place.  As I walked round on my first viewing, I had already pictured how I was going to put love back into this house.  It had been lonely for too long, with it’s single occupant, who had been here since the day it was built.  She had got married, raised a family and was eventually left alone for years, until her son decided to look after her.  I did a lot for her before the final day; and I always thought that she seemed happy to be selling her home on to me.  Almost as if she knew I would indeed continue to take care of it.

And that’s just what I did.  However, I think I did a bit more than she might have anticipated!

Roughing it

We both planned and designed our home, but decor and furnishings etc, were my department.  All my furniture, bar the essentials were put in storage, and within 6 months of roughing it; all building works were completed, the house was completely renovated, extended, re-arranged and bought up to date.  It was a tough six months, of sleeping rough, being cold and having no kitchen to speak of.  While this was going on, my ex still had his house, and was able to avoid most of the discomfort, I had to endure.  But, it was done.  I worked hard on making this house, our home, my home, transforming it over the years, until it became what it is now.

Concerns

It wasn’t long before my concerns for my financial security were proved right, I had made a mistake.  A big mistake.  And there was nothing I could do about it, except to bide my time, watch, listen and learn.  In the end, it proved to be a very expensive mistake, and I have since spent a long time contemplating it.  I could have taken action or fought for it, but decided it just wasn’t worth it.  Money has never been my king, so I opted for the peaceful process, which proved just as painful.  But anyway, long story, short, I got my fingers severely burnt!

Bear in mind, that I had been separated from ex since Oct 2012, he had initially said he would leave, but due to circumstances we’ve had to share the same roof space.  And still do to this day, which has not been easy by any definition, the last 15 months being possibly the worst of my life.

My snug

I have digressed a little, but I suppose the point I am trying to make is that, there were a lot of ‘beginnings’, and ‘endings’ in this house.  These walls have witnessed and absorbed so much of my life.  It echoes my unhappiness when I am here on my own.  My home, for the last 15months, became two rooms, my bedroom and my ‘snug’, I have given up on using the rest of the house, unless it’s necessary.  My snug is where my world happens, it is my place of peace, calmness, inspiration, creativity, imagination and so on.  My snug is, ‘MY’ space.  My bedroom, is for rest, rejuvenation and quiet times, or for when I want to feel music in me.  Both spaces are my sanctuaries. no stress is allowed across either of these rooms’ thresholds.

But going back, it was the first time I had ever properly lived with someone, actually shared a life.  At the beginning, we both has so many hopes and dreams about our future, as it was back then.  We have shared some precious moments here, there have been many occasions when we have created memories, on our own or with other people.   There was once love here, but that too has since evaporated, dissipated into thin air, like all other kind feelings, and nice thoughts.  Now I am reminded of arguments, discussions, conversations, tears and so on, as I go from room to room.

This house

This house, is also the place, where I first seriously became ill, and continue to be so, this is the place where my world fell apart, and bad health became a constant companion.  I had aways thought having the hospital so close by, was a good thing. But I didn’t appreciate just how much time I would get to spend there, for one reason or another.  As my health deteriorated, and so did everything else.

But I loved this house, it was ‘me’ all over.  But since things went wrong, I have come to see that I need to create a new home, somewhere else, another place where I can start my dreams and hopes afresh.  This house is the only thing that still binds us together, mentally and emotionally, I left this place a long time ago, now I need to physically follow it through

In the last few years, this house has seen so much anger, resentment, bitterness, bereavement, and the true colours of our individual rainbows.  It has seen the end of many things, and now the planning stages of new horizons.

It is time now for someone else to love it.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(16^th January 2015)

Link to: Turned to stone

Update:

On the whole, it was the best thing I could ever have done. I am not one to generally walk away, but this time it was about saving my own life from an inevitable misery that laid ahead.  Now, I am a happy person.  Now, I have a stress-free life, unless it’s brought to my door like bunches of flowers or via the telephone line…

It’s been nearly 4 and a half years since I moved on, and the place I found (by luck more than anything), has become my home and sanctuary.  I had many battles to fight along the way, with my physical, emotional and mental health. As well as a mountain of excess baggage, I desperately needed to off load.  But, I got here in the end, and feel a hell of better for it.

Fallout

It took me a long time, to deal with the fallout of everything that had happened in the last 4/5 years. It took me much longer than I had expected to fully heal and repair myself, after all it was a traumatic experience.  There are pieces from that past, that are still wedged into me.  These fragments will be reawakened from time to time, when triggered by someone’s words or behaviour toward me.  I have a very quick flinch response in that respect.

It’s a fact I can’t help, but it serves to protect my fragile heart and feelings, because I absolutely refuse to ever walk down that same path or road again.

It may well have ruined me, in a way that I find it difficult to visualise living with another man again. Ruined me to the point, I don’t know if I will ever trust another man; and always look at actions and behaviour, more than whatever words he may say.

I feel something inside of me has hardened.  I’ve a much sturdier shell than before, to deflect as much negativity as I can.  I have a different mindset.  I am less tolerant and more vocal about not accepting bad behaviour and manners.  But most of all I try to live the life I often speak of.

I am still very soft within, but that part of me is now slightly harder to reach.  Sx❤️

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Straight from the heart: 24. The breakdown of a relationship

The opposite of love

People often mistakenly think that the opposite of love, is hate… but they are so, so wrong.  Hate, like love is something that involves passion, there is true emotional feeling behind it.  You can hate something or someone with so much passion, that it might as well be love, for the sheer power or strength you put behind it to bring those feelings out.

The opposite of love, is surely indifference; you simple don’t care anymore, it doesn’t matter to you, you don’t ‘feel’ anything, it’s almost irrelevant.

I did love my ex-husband.  However, I am not sure if I ever truly fell ‘in’ love with him, for me to fall ‘out’ of love with him!

The vicious cycle

But I knew my feelings for him became less and less, as time went by.  It had become a vicious cycle, I saw too much of his ugliness, to appreciate what good was left.  The endless number of futile arguments/ discussions/ debates, always about the same things, took care of that.   And they seemed to revolve on a quarterly basis.  I got tired of having the same conversations repeatedly, that would eventually, (in spite of any initial well-intended attempts to achieve balance again), lead nowhere.  Until another 3 months or so passed, and we would have the same conversation all over again, each time trying to gauge if we had moved forward, backward or stayed the same.  I never felt any motion.

In the meantime, he continued with ‘his’ life, and I neither moved up or down on his agenda.  In fact, I always told him that I took position no: 8, in his life.  It was a position I soon realised I had to learnt to accept, there was no point in insisting I be higher up than that.  It was made abundantly clear to me, that his work, his hobbies, his friends and his family came first.  Always.  And on those very few occasions when I held his time or attention, I began to question his sincerity, doubted his actions, and always knew there was an ulterior motive.  He had a “get round to it” attitude, and that was used toward me as well.  So therefore, I always had to wait – for everything.  But if I didn’t put him first?   Oh my goodness, he became like a brattish child, constantly whining, and wanting attention.

Stepping away

I wised up to his game a long while back, and every time these ‘chats’ happened, I took another step further away from him, creating distance in all senses.

I should have heeded my silent alarms, that in fact this was his second time round.

All the time he was busy blaming his ex-wife, I couldn’t help but notice and acknowledge reasons, why she would have been unhappy; and why things had perhaps gone wrong for her.  He was completely blameless, of course.  As he had said himself, he just “worked his arse off”, to earn a living.  But that was all he did.  Even when she was suffering with depression, and needed his love and support, he did nothing.  He gave her no support, no help, no love, no kindness whatsoever.  And then wondered why she picked up and left, leaving him behind with 2 kids.  Especially as it was after a number of affairs on her part, and they had been ‘trying’ to ‘save’ their marriage.

History repeating itself

I once said to him about 4 years ago, that he was repeating his own history, his own life story all over again.  He was shocked by my intuition, but then he always was.  But he was never ‘ready’ to talk about his previous life and marriage.  Even after 16 years of being with me, he still took no blame, and still couldn’t bring himself to admit that he’d ‘fucked up’.  Harder still, was his denial that he was doing the same things to me.  But in the end, it cost him dearly, he had already started the process of losing me… about the only thing he ever actually got round to doing.

You can spend a life time with someone, and still never really know them.  Or you may have suspicions about certain personality traits, and wonder where they came from, what was the influence for a persons’ behaviour.  But all the time we are happy, we never really see the ugly side, and we certainly don’t go looking for it.  But it’s when things are not so good anymore, for instance during or after an argument, that we notice their negative qualities.  That’s when we see their selfishness, tightness, temper, and experience the venom they can spit or speak – I suppose all the qualities of hatred.

The ugliness

My ex, became very ugly.  Ridiculous almost, with some of the things he did to ‘get at me’.  Initially, I was so hurt and frustrated by his actions.  I couldn’t get my head round why he could do the things he was doing, or the fact he would sink so low.  But each time he did something, it usually backfired, which meant he was the one left worse off.

But it didn’t stop him, even now that we are divorced, (but forced to live under the same roof), he still does petty things to wind me up.  He is like that child, forever burning his fingers, and I wonder why he still hasn’t learnt.

I had learnt my lesson well with my ex, I had learnt him well, I had seen the hidden dragon on too many occasions to ignore its’ existence.  But he didn’t frighten me, not with his words or his actions.  He already knew he had no way of winning any war with me, so he just made things awkward.  He knew all the time he lost his head, I just got stronger.  I refused to respond to him in the way that he wanted.  And that made him even more angry, but there was nothing he could do with his anger, to hurt me.

Relying on my fears

At this point, I was physically in a bad way, my health problems were savage and prolonged.  But I truly believe, that he was relying on my fears, that:

• My fear of managing due to not working
• My fear of being on my own with my failing health
• Or the fear of starting over again at the age of 49

Would all be enough of a deterrent for me, to stay put to continue with living this life.

But I had become brave.  And all because ‘the lady who saved my life’, asked me one simple question:

“Why are you with him?”

That question burnt a hole in my heart.  As the only answer I had to give, was that I felt responsible for him..

The wake up call

I had picked him up when he was down on his knees, and somehow I still felt responsible and continued to do so.  That was the wake up call!

So, he never had a clue just how elated my heart felt, on the day when I told him:

“We don’t have a marriage anymore”.

I had known it for so long, but finally I could no longer hold the words back.

When a relationship is ending, someone has to be responsible and admit that it won’t work anymore, that you’ve come to the end of the line.

No one wants to be the be first to say it.

But someone has to.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7^thJanuary 2015)

Update:

To this moment, that day has been the most significant one in my life to date!  There are course other meaningful days, but none that made me realise the absolute power I hold within myself.

That day, brought about a change, that would be forever lasting.  It was the day, I took control of my life again, and decided that I valued my happiness over all else.

So now, whomever enters my life, has to keep the smile on my face and not wipe it off.  Simple as that.  Sx ❤️

Link to: I thought you were my hero

Straight from the heart: 23. A new dawn

A new dawn, a new day, a new year and hopefully a new life…

At last, the start of a new year.

Heaven only knows how desperate I was to leave the last one.

I haven’t made any resolutions as such, but there are some things, that I definitely want to leave behind.  I am not planning on giving up any habits as such, because I have a firm philosophy that

“Everyone should have at least three vices for a happy life”. 

Unfortunately, most people automatically think of a vice as something that is bad for you.  But to me, a vice is:

“Anything that gives you pleasure and makes you feel good in the soul”  

Vices

And yes, a vice could be drinking, smoking, eating chocolate – the ‘usuals’.  It could be cutting the crusts off from your bread, because, you feel it makes your sandwich taste better.  A vice could even be that you like to fit in an extra Pilates class, when you should be doing something else.  Or maybe, that you like to lock the bathroom door, and have 1/2 an hour of peace and quiet, whilst you indulge in bubbles, candlelight and music.

Whatever it is, it may be bad for your health in one way, but it can be positively good for your mental and spiritual health in another.

Life is too short

I learnt for real a while back -having lost many close family members, that life really is too short.

• Too short to deny yourself things that make you happy.
• Too short to waste time having pointless arguments that lead nowhere.
• Too short to get stressed out over stupid things, that really shouldn’t be an issue.
• Too short to waste precious time falling out with people, just to carry unnecessary anger around.
• Too short to let the wrong people stay in your life, when you know they just simply don’t belong.
• Too short to keeping fighting for things that are not worth fighting for.
• Too short to waste time worrying about or regretting things that you cannot control or change.
• Too short to fret about debts, that are really insignificant in the overall scheme of things.
• Too short to ignore the things that really matter.

The list can on, but this is just a few of the things that I believe and that matter to me.

Too much space…

I have allowed some people to take up too much space in my life, and they have not cultivated their plot, so it has become overgrown with weeds that are deep rooted.  It dawned on me a short while ago, (whilst having a face to face with myself in the mirror,[1]) that for a long time my life has not been about me.  It has been about other peoples. It’s been about my family and my friends, about their unhappiness, fears, anger & their frustrations; their wars, their problems and their issues etc.

Letting them go!

Having recognised this painful truth, and as much as I may love them, some of these people have done me more harm than good, and they need to go or have their role reduced.  They have often been a huge drain on my resources, almost making me topple under the weight of their burdens.  I have allowed them to take so much time away from me, forcing me to rush through ‘my’ day, never having time to sit and reflect on my own concerns.  So now, one thing I know I can do to improve my health and my life, is to start letting them go; in order to reclaim my time back.  It is definitely a new dawn…

So, I have decided that this year, is going to be ‘MY’ time.  I will spend more time focusing on the things that make me happy, or feel good, and really look after myself and my needs.  One thing I know for sure, is that I will no longer spend time with people, who have no time for me.

I just want to laugh, to dance and sing!

I am fully prepared to embrace this new year, and I am actually excited by the many possibilities that lie ahead!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(1st January 2015)

Update:

Much as I was so determined 4 years ago, ‘the update’ is I have to confess, that I am still guilty of holding on to some people/things for far too long.  Got my fingers burnt again flying to close to the sun, but this time I already had my eyes open, so I knew what was coming.

In the last 18 months my integrity has been tested, by many who were supposed to be close family and friends.  They have also tested my loyalty and my patience, to such a degree, I have been forced to turn around and walk away from them; so another update to my social circle.  I have zero tolerance for insincerity, that I know, and at times I am so aware of my solitude.  But I would rather have that, than be drowned in a sea of negativity, weighted down by someone else’s bricks.

But in spite of all that, I am a much happier person for it.  And even though, I am soon to be 54, life still has many more lessons for me to learn.  And no doubt a few more mountains for me to climb… Sx ❤️

Links to: I am enough

[1] Face to face in a mirror, an exercise I do on a regular basis and recommend to anyone who is going through any kind of emotional crisis, when you lose sight of who you really are.  It’s not easy to do at first, because it something quite alien to us.  But once you start to practise it, you begin to see yourself in a different way, and are able to give yourself a “pep talk”.

Straight from the heart: 22. Twelve months is a long time…

In anyone’s book, but it has felt like a life time to me.

12 months ago, my ex-husband made my life an absolute misery.  He pushed me to the point that I started to look at divorce proceedings.  This was in spite of the fact that, he was the one that first mentioned the word.  He was so adamant whilst in a fit of rage (of course), that that was what he wanted.  (But as usual he had the words, but was not willing to spend any money to carry it out).  That rage was directed, point blank, at me.  I guess he wanted a response… but not the one he got…

Because at that moment time, I couldn’t have been happier.

The best thing

No matter how my spirit might have felt crushed, those words lifted me right back up there.  It was the best thing, it felt like my soul had finally been released.  I knew at that precise moment I would fly again.  However, I also knew that until that day came and I had a piece of paper in my hand, I would have to bide my time… and deal with whatever he was going to throw at me.

It hasn’t been a nice year.  In fact, I think this may be my worst year ever.  With so much going against me, I wonder now, how it is that I have come through this… and keep a smile still on my face.

Because it hasn’t been easy.  I have been really battling with my illness the year, it has been a struggle at times, to even be on my feet.  And most of this is due to the constant stress within my home and an excess of outside pressures.

This year has been a huge turning point in my life, I have learned so much, felt so much and hurt so much.  But I also know, that all this stuff, will help to build the foundations for my new life.

Wylie Coyote

I won’t go into the details about what brought my ex and I to that juncture, as it means having to think and talk about him.  And to be honest that’s the last thing I need or want to do.  But what I will say is, to my knowledge I have never applied the “C” word to a person, until it became very apt for him!  I used to refer to him as “Mister”, pretty nondescript and indifferent.  Then I began calling him ‘Jekyll and Hyde’, because of his dual personality.  After that, I named him “Wylie Coyote”, because just like Wylie, whatever shit he pulled on me, it only backfired!

But now and forever more, I affectionately refer to him as “Fuckface”, which seems to be very fitting.  I was particularly pleased when Facebook came up with a definition for the word “Fuckface”, because it defined him perfectly!

I can’t find the post itself, but here’s the definition: “Fuckface”, a person who’s face upon immediately seeing, you just want to smack!

I also don’t want to be an embittered woman, complaining about how a man has done her wrong!  I definitely don’t want to take that thought into a new year, that’s not how I roll.

But this year has brought about many things, that I thought I would never bear witness to, but they all serve as an important lesson for my future.  I lost whatever little care or affection that I still held for him a long time ago.  Sadly, I also lost what little respect I had for him; but that wasn’t difficult, because he had no respect for himself.

Gift horses

Fuckface never knew how to be thankful.  In fact he lacked any feeling for anything, unless it was a real passion of his.  But to his regret, all too often he went too far for his own good. He stared straight down the gullet of the many gift horses I presented, never understanding genuine and uninhibited kindness for what it was.  EVERYTHING, was taken, eaten up selfishly and greedily, it really was a disgusting sight to watch.  It’s a shame he didn’t have the same gusto, when it came to his responsibilities, but hey ho!

But, as I have said before, I blame myself, because I allowed it to continue.  End of.**

The end

Finally, my divorce came through on Tuesday, October 22^nd, even though I didn’t find out until two days later.  It marked the end of an eighteen year long relationship, one that should never have got this far and/or have ended long before. It was the end of any kindness or concessions.  It was the end of financial burden and attachment.  It cost me dearly.  I have lost more money than I have gained, but it didn’t matter to me, because quite simply:

Money has never been my king.  

So many friends suggested I held out for more or that I shouldn’t have given in, but they didn’t know the pain I was in.  In the end, I opted for the “I just want to be done with this” attitude, to me, not being attached to him and starting over was far more imperative than what I was leaving behind or losing.  After all, I was never going to get it back, was I?  However, any celebrations were short lived, because my status might have changed, but not my circumstances.  They were still very much the same!

So instead, I became internally stronger, and remained graceful and dignified at all times.  I think that got to him more, because I simply did not respond to his angry words and threats any more.  Which in turn, made my life easier.

From home to house

Our house, is another story.  I put my blood, sweat and tears into creating a fabulous space, I called home.  But it soon reverted from home to house, it was no longer my ‘home’ as emotionally and mentally I had already left.  It’s been on the market since Feb this year, and we had a sale within the first few days.  It looked like everything was going to be sorted.  However, I didn’t bank on Fuckface sinking so low, and being the complete and utter t**t that he is!

Long story, short, we had a sale, he refused to sign the property papers agreeing to it, so 4 and a half months later, buyers lost interest, and found somewhere else.  His reasons for doing this?   Well, besides blackmailing me with a list of conditions, your guess is as good as mine.  It intrigues me more, because he was the one who bullied me into selling it in the first place!  See why I called him Wylie?  But I guess he must have thought he was being really clever.

Twelve months

But anyway, I began by saying that 12 months is a long time, because it feels like this has all happened day by day, frame by frame, in slow-motion.  Remembering how I felt back then… almost, but not quite broken.

I so needed to take control again, bit by bit and piece by piece.  Slowly picking up fragments of myself that had been lost on the wayside.  I have felt and been so alone at times.  But solitude gave me what I needed – time.  Time to inspect and search through all my broken pieces, and discard the fragments that were putrid.  There has been no outside influence or interference in the process, it was just down to me.  Muddling my way through my mind, and as usual making sense of it all, seeing the answers I couldn’t find before.

All I need now, is for the house to be sold again, this is my one true wish for this next year.  Because it will finally mean that I can finally sever all my links with Fuckface and move on.

After all it’s been over 2 years since our marriage ended, and two months since our divorce, I think it’s more than time now.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30^thDecember 2014

Update:

These days, he doesn’t come to mind, unless I recognise similar patterns and behaviours in someone else.  And when that has happened, it has felt like a rude re-awakening, with trumpets and bells sounding out the arrival of red flags.

I know when wrote this, I was in a really bad way and in a very bad place.  How I managed to keep my resolve and find strength throughout this time, is still a mystery to me.  I can honestly say that whole episode has never once brought tears, even though I have often felt that way.  I guess after so many years, it was anger and contempt that I felt most, I didn’t have any tears for him.

But now it has been over 4 years since I started again, I am happy with who I am, and where I’m at in my life.

The only regret I have is that I should have done it so much sooner. Sx ❤️

** I’ve have since addressed this!

Links to The narcissist and Untouched