Category: The darkness still within

Doesn’t matter how far I’ve come, there are still moments when I feel like I’m sliding back down to rock bottom…

I keep that beast inside

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To stand here and beat my chest

Whilst screaming out fury

From the pit of my lungs

I have been lied to and cheated

I have been let down

Believed to be defeated

I have been knocked back

Pushed this way and that

But still I got back up

I have been abandoned

I have been bruised

I have been insulted

I have been abused

And still all I want is truth

I have been stifled

I have been blinded

I have been stunted

I have been haunted

By so many ghosts of the past

I have been verbally savaged

My whole body has been

Tortured, literally ravished

By more than just

The hands of a man

I have been labelled

I have been tainted

I have been shunned no end

I have been betrayed

By those calling themselves

‘Family’ and ‘friends’

They didn’t know

I’d already figured it

To be the end

 

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To beat my chest in pain

But instead I stay silent

With the raging fury

Burning and boiling

From the inside out

But safely contained within

If I could write away this wrath

Then I surely would

But I fear that each word

That I dare to scrawl

Will burns holes upon the

Pages they are scribed

 

My contempt for feelings

I thought I had left behind

Like doubt, mistrust

And a sense of things

Not being right

Gave me all the reason

To rise up and fly

Words like envy and jealousy

Are the names of the

Ugly black birds that fly by

Up here I’m out of reach

No matter the anchors

That have been

Weighted and tied

Up here, I have no need

Of false-hearted words

I can see through

Many a disguise

 

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To beat my chest and cry

Maybe it’s just as well

I keep that beast inside…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 9thDecember 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

7

A little piece of me…

A long time ago

Something was stolen

Taken away from me

It might have seemed

Of no consequence

At the time

But that little piece

Put a roar and rage

So deep inside of me

The words

To bring me comfort

Have still yet to appear

But they are waiting

I can feel them

They are near

The fragment

That’s still missing

Is needed to make me whole

For I have questions

To ask it, like

Where did it go?

In spite of my age

It left a huge hole

Where darkness

Still prevails

And no light can reach

I have a need in me

That I don’t believe

I can fulfill alone

But he needs to

See my calling

Speak the same tongue

He needs to understand

From where I have come

To see the damaged structure

That lay beneath

To want to be the healer

To bear the golden key

To recognise that he holds

That tiny piece that I so need

To be given back to me

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(1stmay 2018)

(A little piece of me that I so need to be released…)

4

What is it that binds me?

For days now

I have sat

With worry on my mind

Flashes of a previous life

Swim around my head

And behind my eyes

Somewhere in there

Is an answer, or a key

To the cages that

Hold the secrets

That still bind me

 

I think on my life

And the journey

Along my road

The anguish, the sadness

And so many troubles

Yet still untold

Am I a ruined woman

Built from sand and stone?

That decimates

As memories

Are rekindled in my soul?

They are the burns

That have scarred so deep

That even these pages

Are not yet trusted

To speak of the pain

That they keep

Sharon Carter-Wray

(1st May 2018)

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Why can’t you see that I’m still crying inside…?

Why can’t you see

That I’m still crying inside?

That this lovely face

Has learnt to hide

Life’s ‘cruel’ side?

Beneath this skin

I am a mess and a mass

Of shredded ribbons

Each tendril sending

Messages of pain

Signals that can’t be stopped

From reaching my brain

It is indeed a surprise

That one that once

Stood so tall should crumple

But it’s battered and bruised me

So black and blue

Anyone with this condition

Is sure to crumble

Each day I carry on

Be the best I can be

But one day this will

Get the better of me

 

Why can’t you see

That I’m crying inside?

To look beyond my smile

And see the unshed tears

Hiding just behind my eyes?

I am a tower of strength

But I was forced

To become that way

But my beautiful face

Full of charm and grace

Has learnt to tell a lie

Because you fail to see

That I’m still crying inside

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(1stmay 2018)

Fibromyalgia – fighting the unseen enemy!

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I’ve lost my soul

I’ve lost my soul

Helping others to find themselves

And now that they are whole again

They have gone

Just when I found myself

They left at the best time

At the end of my steady decline

But now I am flying

Confident and alone

But leaving them behind

Wondering and asking

“Who’s this stranger before my eyes?”

 

I’ve lost my soul

In the wasted kindness

That I so freely bestowed

Upon the ungrateful ones

Whom I’ve gladly consoled

The one’s that don’t thank you

And give no further word

Up until now the return date

Of my kindness and it’s journey

Has still yet to be told

 

I’ve lost my soul

Fighting the useless battles

That I have fought

Wasted time thinking they were

Worthy causes meant to be saved

But I should have left them

Where I found them

Well and truly alone

After all not every battle

Is meant to be won

 

I’ve lost my soul

Trying to forget my past

The empty words of love

And broken dreams

By building new foundations

This time one’s meant to last

No more sand castles

That simply dissolve

But built to withstand

Rock steady and hard

 

I’ve lost my soul

Following my path

Picking up the loose pebbles

That needed a polish

Before being recast

A new road they will pave

Lined with flowers and weed free

No obstacles or hurdles

Laying in wait to trip me

 

I’ve lost my soul

Searching out my truth

Only to find that

It was never lost

It was still pure and proud

And within me all along

Why I searched for it

I do not know

Maybe some ‘friend’ I had

Had grounds to doubt me

But there it was, in full sight

Encircled by integrity

 

 

I’ve lost my soul

By bearing my all

With my simple honesty

Letting my words

Find listening ears

And reading eyes

From all corners

Of this globe

Ears and eyes that know of

And sense my nakedness

That most of my friends

Have not seen or heard

 

 

I’ve lost my soul

Seeking out a love that’s real

With no doubts or quashed hopes

Something that I can truly feel

Akin to my own values

And core beliefs

Only to establish

That it’s hard to find

All the while knowing

I am a good person

I am worth it, I am real

And ‘I’ am most definitely not

The ‘average’ kind

 

I lost my soul

In all these things

And yet she came back to me

With a heart full of hope

Of a life yet to be

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(1stmay 2018)

 

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