I don’t know who’s real anymore

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I see nothing but masks

On every familiar face

That I’m supposed to see

Brightly painted masks

Attempting to hide

The reality that’s really behind

 

Kind words and sweet smiles

That lack sincerity

Is what I feel from some

Who surround me

Lacking knowledge and truth

They think they can mock me

Speak ill of me behind my back

Can they can’t see,

I’m way beyond all that?

 

Being given a Judas kiss

And shown fake concern

They’re only interested

In what they can learn

Stroking me with one hand

Whilst holding a knife in the other

I just don’t understand

Why on earth do they bother?

 

Just by being the woman I am

One who is upstanding

Genuine, proud and true

It seems that I am just

Too much for their type

Should I lessen who I am

To prevent their acrimony?

Don’t they understand

One day they could very well

End up

Being

Just

Like

Me?

 

Who will they look to then?

When their so-called friends

Are not so pleased for them

And would rather quietly

And deliciously

Enjoy their demise?

Is that when they’ll see

Their whole relationship

Has in fact been based

Completely on lies?

 

But, I can’t be someone else

Just to ease their minds

Or to please their needs

I have eyes and ears

I see their resentment

And I hear their unspoken truth

Because they have now lost

What others have instead gained

They can’t lick their wounds

They have to cause more pain

 

Their hostility, is theirs to own

Let them treasure it

Like pointless threads of gold

I am made of stronger stuff

No longer held together

By just string and glue

Once I would have let it hurt me

But now?

Let them be, who they be

And do, what they’ve got to do…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

No ordinary woman

I’ve known for a long time, that I needed to be right here, at this moment. Even though this moment took longer to arrive than I had initially anticipated.

As soon as I left my friend in the car park where she’d dropped me off, I felt the mantle of responsibility and obligation to anyone or anything, gently slip from my shoulders and hit the floor.

I felt more empowered with every step, and braver with every mile added to the distance travelled. Doing something for myself and by myself, something not many of the women in my life would ever dream of doing. Ever.

But I feel free again.

And I am only reminded of how brave I really am, have been and have still yet to be. That I’m not an average woman. Something I’ve said about myself for years, I just hadn’t realised how true a statement it is, or the depth of where that truth came.

But, I guess I was no ordinary child either…

Born with health issues from day 1, I make no bones of telling people that I’m lucky to be here, but they think I mean ‘lucky’ in other ways. Much as I know I’m blessed, that kind of luck has never walked the same side of the road as me.

I learned a long time ago, that whatever I achieved in my life would be off my own back. I have never relied on any one, to get me where I am, even through my most difficult times with my ex. It was a message drummed into my head as a child by my father to fend for myself, basically allowing him to shirk his responsibilities from a very young age.

It’s odd that’s the first time I’ve ever thought of it in that way. The truth is more that I can’t actually remember anything really positive that he did for anyone of us, on a personal level. I know he has never stopped spouting off about ‘the things he’s done for us, but I can’t visualise them. I do remember how he used to be quick at doling out punishment, regardless; and to some degree my mother was no saint in that area either.

But as far as he was concerned, he was the ‘King of the castle’ in his own house, in fact he held that opinion of himself in everyone’s house. He liked to hold court, and even today there is nothing he likes better than a captive audience.

Recently close friends, who really know me have taken the time to remind me of my goodness, and what it is they see in me. Being seen through the eyes of others can be a revelation

I know I have digressed, but only slightly, as it all does play a part at some point on this story… The reason why I have needed to literally run away from my life, run from everything, just so I could press pause, take a moment and breathe.

It’s incredible the difference I feel, within so few short hours, to just be good to myself. I am in no hurry and I have no agenda other than to “just be”. And it feels wonderful to be able to finally let go, and do just that. It is now of course when I realise just how tired & burnt out I really am, and just how much I needed to do this. Perhaps I should entertain the idea of doing this for myself every few months, just to lift my soul enough to stop me falling. This isn’t just a quick getaway, this is good medicine…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29th August 2018)

I’m done

Every man that has been

Or is still in my life

Has abused me

In some way

Physically, emotionally

Or mentally

They have all

Had a part to play

Whether it be my mind, body or soul

It seems there is no end

To the goodness in me

I have been tested

Time and again

I have been made

To feel at fault

Because I value

My own feelings and

Give myself some worth

And even though they can see it

And they know it

They know not

How to appreciate

What stands before them

To them

I am an object

Of sexual desire

I am a means to an end

I am the agony aunt

I am a problem solver

I am the emergency call

But what do I get

In return for doing it all?

For the selling of my soul?

It has become an empty virtue

This kindness in me

But it has served

No purpose other

Than to further

Invalidate me

I can never be the winner

I have lost

Before I can begin

I have been foolish

I have been naïve

Because I believed

They cared for me

But really it was

Because I fulfilled their needs

But now

I am done

I’ve stopped

Drawing the lines –

They’ve been moved

Too many times

This is it

I will not accept

This practice anymore

And for anyone else

Who chooses to

Belittle or reduce me

Who uses or abuses

Mark my words

Nice girl has gone

And I am done.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13th July 2018)

 

The simple truths

Once I would

Have hidden my pain

Disguised it within

The words I chose to say

But now I have

Courage on my side

My simple truths

Can no longer hide

I have learned that

My past cannot hurt me

And the memories

Are just in my head

But rather than

Still hide them

They need to be said

Words are my weapon

But also my shield

And ever so slowly

I shall be revealed

I am a simple soul

With very simple needs

But now I have the tools

To release and speak of

My very simple truths

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thMay 2018)

 

 

I used to think that I was so big

I used to think that I was so big

That my shoulders were too broad

My arms too strong

That somehow

I was too big to love

That I was much bigger

Than the average woman

Because I am tall

Because I have stature

And because I am so bold

 

This was the image

That was in the mirror

Always looking back at me

 

But now I really see myself

As being so slight

So delicate and fragile

Made up of everything

That is soft and kind

And so easily broken

Look closely

And you will see

My best asset –

My beautiful silky skin

But look closer

And you’ll notice

All the tiny cracks and scars

That have taken an age to heal

As they endeavour to disguise

The pain that

I really feel inside

 

Please do not confuse

My confidence for strength

Because I really am

Quite weak

But this is the face

That you would rather see

And just like my armour

I have learnt

To always wear it well

To bear the weight

Like a true queen

Even though

It is slowly crushing me

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(17thDecember 2017)

Losing my balance

Sometimes I feel

So out of control

So lost in my thoughts

So uneasy in my soul

Words yet to be said

Always come to mind

That aim to unravel

To soothe and unwind

 

I am lost in the motion

Caught up with the

Ghosts from the past

Still showing their faces

Even when they’re outcasts

I stand on two feet

Firmly rooted to the ground

But my arms are

Outstretched

Still reaching for stars

 

My head is spinning

But here I still stand

Staying out of reach

Of the many wandering

And clutching hands

They’re still trying to pull me down

So that I cannot shine

Inept at saying kind words

They would rather just lie

 

Empty of encouragement

Completely void of love

How I kept my balance

Was literally by chance

For I have something in me

That cannot be moved

A simple, unbending

Faith in myself

And my simple truths

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(3rdMarch 2018)

Letting go

I feel so much richer

Having let some people go

Even though things

Just shouldn’t be so

I have cried few tears

I have felt no pangs

I am glad to have

Released them

Somewhere out there

Some place they belong

I don’t know what

They felt for me

But I know it wasn’t love

By letting go

I have freed my soul

And now she flies so free

If only I’d know sooner

That doing this

Was in fact the key!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(2ndMarch 2018)

Let’s begin…

Let’s begin

The process of letting go

Of laying those ghosts to rest

Let’s begin

By leaving the heartache behind

And watch them fly

Let’s begin

By taking a big breath in

Knowing I can only do my best

Let’s begin

By wiping the slate clean

With tears already cried

Let’s begin

With a blank sheet of paper

To write a new life story…

But this time,

A happy one

Let’s just begin again

 Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thJanuary 2018)

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