Weightless

Day two of waking up in my favourite city, with every inhale of breath I have taken in calm, and with every exhale I have let go of any restrictions I naturally place on myself.. No denying myself this time, if I want it I’ll have it, it’s about making ‘me’ feel special and nothing else.

I feel a kind of nothingness as though I am floating or walking on cushioned feet, actually experiencing life that is completely stress free.  And it feels so good.  And I wonder why I don’t get this feeling at home, this feeling of weightlessness.  This uplifted state of complete and utter relaxation, I wish I could package it up and take it with me, so I can take a breath of it every now and then..fill my lungs with euphoria.

No one has entered my head, or made me turn my glance to their needs, it has all been about me.  For the first time in a long time, I literally did leave everything at home, and I  officially left the building.  It feels like forever since I last took a breath ‘in’ like this.

Even though my body is desperately aching, I am a trying without much need or effort to ignore it… right now it doesn’t matter.  Within the few short hours I am here, time is precious, it has no space for pain and I intend to give it no attention.  I’ve given it enough already at home, so I am walking around this city, getting my bearings and enjoying clean air.  I’m sure the pain will sit waiting like a patient dog for my return, as all this relaxation takes it’s toll.

I see a different city this time.  As I people watch, it dawns me that all people really do whilst here besides the tourist attractions and coffee shops, is to wander aimlessly, covering many miles with no particular place to go.  Where once the coffee shop proprietors were friendly and chatty, now they are run like proper little businesses, with no time to converse or get an education; and they are found few and far between.  But I am not distracted by that, I came here to shutdown, and that’s exactly what I did.

I found myself talking to few people, though I sparked curiosity I was left alone to write on my iPad, but I could hear whispered questions about who I might be, or what I might be writing about.  It always brought a smile, and I wonder why they just didn’t ask me.

I had thought that maybe I might have written more whilst I was away, but I can’t force it.  The last few months have proved very difficult in so many ways, and I am still trying to process my way through it, but at least now I currently feel temporarily healed.  I know I have been absent from here for some time, much longer than I thought I would be, but there are many words to come.  I have so missed these pages; it feels like a part of me is missing when I don’t write, and until I do my mind will remain slightly clouded.

The most important thing is for the moment I am at peace with myself again…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(3rd September 2018)

 

 

 

 

Life laundry

This particular ‘Life laundry’ exercise appears to be the biggest and most sincere one I’ve had yet.  Three weeks ago, when I last posted I had genuinely believed that I was coming to end of that cycle, but instead, I found I had a lot more ghosts to clear from my under my bed and off my clothes rail!

Memories in the form of possessions, that I no longer needed to keep hold of had to be disengaged.

Things that still held a connection to a past, I no longer wanted part of,.  Clothes that had been saved from many a previous clear out, were now attachments to a time when I used get all dressed up, only to be faced with the usual disappointments, but I kept them because they were beautiful  and were meant to be worn again.

They all had to go.

Because, I am not that woman, now.

Bit by bit, I am coming through, I can feel the power in me surging, as I off load any potential remaining misery.If you aren't true...

For the moment it has stuck me in a whirlwind of ‘must do’, taking up all my energy and focus.  As I churn my flat upside down, finding little demons that had been hidden away, disguised as something pretty; but I soon realised that all I want is a blank canvas.

Maybe, I was being unrealistic, I hadn’t anticipated that it would take this long to finally get round to this particular clean up, I thought I had already completed it many times since I’d moved on.

At the same time, I am also performing the same exercise within my head, re-evaluating my own truths.  Trying to understand why I feel the way I do about certain issues in my life, and why I still allow them to affect me.  I want to emerge totally refreshed and stripped clean of anything that still taints my soul.  I want to feel whole again, as I know that I have lost parts of myself, that can never be restored, but they are not parts that I miss.

As I have grown older, my circle has become smaller.  There were many I openly showed loved to that were not deserving of it, it was only reciprocated by being forgotten about.  Not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end, but it confirms what I’ve always thought:

“Not everyone is or can be a friend”.

Regardless of how people may like to manifest themselves, integrity is a quality many people lack.   They are those who will openly criticise a person’s behaviour, whilst not recognising they are mirroring.  But like the saying goes, ‘He who lives in glass houses…”.  At some point

For some reason people these days, seem to be very quick to find faults and make no bones about expressing themselves, rather than see the good and just focus on that.  Or take the approach of ‘if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all’

Negative people, who seem to be quite happy to wallow in their situations rather than be proactive and bring about change in their lives, surround me.  Whilst at the same time making out that I got things all wrong, and spreading their woes all over me to dampen my spirit.

I have had enough of so much, and a lot of it is due to being so damn tolerant and understanding.   I know it’s a flaw of mine!

But for some reason I think this particular ”life laundry” session, is a really important one.  And while my mind is still muddled as I sort through the various piles of my life, I am frustrated that I have momentarily stopped writing. Obviously, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… you guys know me by now, but more that I am not yet at peace with myself to be able to sit and quietly write without my mind being interrupted.

But thankfully, in a couple of days I shall be running away from my life.  I am giving myself an opportunity to have a complete shut down, and hang an ‘Out of order’ sign above my door and a round my neck… it is well overdue.

How I have not reached my true breaking point is beyond me, I seem to keep surprising myself at out resilient I am.  I remember the first and only time someone said that about me, I didn’t really know what the word meant; so I had to look it up.  When I read the definition, I was taken aback as it indeed summed me up perfectly.

Definition: Resilient – to be able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditons

But even strong people have a breaking point, and I have felt so close to mine so many times since my breakdown 15 years ago.  But somehow, something in me always stops me going over that threshold, and I save myself again. Maybe it’s because I know just how dark and lonely a place it is, once you break through that barrier.  I spent many years locked in there, with only myself for company…And if I asked you

This ‘life laundry’ session is about cleansing.  Cleansing my soul of all that no longer has a purpose in my life, whatever shape or form it takes.

I know I am guilty of holding on to too many things, and these things have kept me hankering for things that are simply not meant to be.  But at least now I have realised this, and these past few weeks have been just another few pages in a chapter that I had to go through.

It is at these times, that I really feel my sparkle.  I feel like I am lighting up again, just like a new dawn

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(26thaugust 2018)

 

A temporary distraction…

I feel like I have been caught up in the middle of a tornado for the last few weeks.

I have experienced so many highs and lows, but mainly lows as situations and people around me have caused or added to my sudden chaotic daily life.  I have been feeling the weight of stupid mistakes as well as good decisions, and I have been crippled by the stress of outside forces, that have played a good game, but have only served to try and undermine my intelligence and good nature.

I have not been in the proverbial “good place”, so to speak.

I’m not even sure what triggered this Ferris wheel into action, but I do know that I have learned another great lesson, or should `I say had one reinforced.  Which perhaps was not what I needed at this time, but it happened all the same.  And just like the wheel, I have been spun this way and that, making me feel dizzy with all sorts of different thoughts and emotions going through my mind.

But bad things, happen to nice people…

July was an angry month.  I have had to argue/heatedly debate with so many people, in so many conversations, just because they continually took my kindness and manners for granted.  And I guess I am still feeling angry, because I just can’t understand why people have to behave so badly.  This feeling was the inspiration behind the poem “I’m done”, because I have come to realise that, I just can’t do this with people anymore.

I have been in contact with so many selfish souls of late, that I have feared their traits might rub off on me.  But I can’t decipher if it’s the disappointment, the loss of faith, the being let down or the emotionally attachment that has hurt me the most.  Maybe, it’s a combination of all these things, but there has been this big cloud of confusion hanging over my head, and silently I am still asking the question, “why?”

I feel muddled, emotional, my brain is addled, and physically I am dealing with more pain than I can really bear.

In truth, I am happy within myself.  My personal journey of discovery for last three years has reached a good conclusion. I have closure on many things.  But it would appear that there are still rocks from my not too distant past; that are throwing themselves in front of me to block my onward path.

I am just hoping that writing this is going to press the “RESTART” button, and begin the process of me yet again, getting back up, dusting myself down and hey, you know the rest…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thAugust 2018)

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