Day two of waking up in my favourite city, with every inhale of breath I have taken in calm, and with every exhale I have let go of any restrictions I naturally place on myself.. No denying myself this time, if I want it I’ll have it, it’s about making ‘me’ feel special and nothing else.
I feel a kind of nothingness as though I am floating or walking on cushioned feet, actually experiencing life that is completely stress free. And it feels so good. And I wonder why I don’t get this feeling at home, this feeling of weightlessness. This uplifted state of complete and utter relaxation, I wish I could package it up and take it with me, so I can take a breath of it every now and then..fill my lungs with euphoria.
No one has entered my head, or made me turn my glance to their needs, it has all been about me. For the first time in a long time, I literally did leave everything at home, and I officially left the building. It feels like forever since I last took a breath ‘in’ like this.
Even though my body is desperately aching, I am a trying without much need or effort to ignore it… right now it doesn’t matter. Within the few short hours I am here, time is precious, it has no space for pain and I intend to give it no attention. I’ve given it enough already at home, so I am walking around this city, getting my bearings and enjoying clean air. I’m sure the pain will sit waiting like a patient dog for my return, as all this relaxation takes it’s toll.
I see a different city this time. As I people watch, it dawns me that all people really do whilst here besides the tourist attractions and coffee shops, is to wander aimlessly, covering many miles with no particular place to go. Where once the coffee shop proprietors were friendly and chatty, now they are run like proper little businesses, with no time to converse or get an education; and they are found few and far between. But I am not distracted by that, I came here to shutdown, and that’s exactly what I did.
I found myself talking to few people, though I sparked curiosity I was left alone to write on my iPad, but I could hear whispered questions about who I might be, or what I might be writing about. It always brought a smile, and I wonder why they just didn’t ask me.
I had thought that maybe I might have written more whilst I was away, but I can’t force it. The last few months have proved very difficult in so many ways, and I am still trying to process my way through it, but at least now I currently feel temporarily healed. I know I have been absent from here for some time, much longer than I thought I would be, but there are many words to come. I have so missed these pages; it feels like a part of me is missing when I don’t write, and until I do my mind will remain slightly clouded.
The most important thing is for the moment I am at peace with myself again…
(3rd September 2018)