Restless

In my mind

There are many questions

That rest uneasy

In my soul

But doubting myself

Is not one of them

I see myself

In another’s eyes

And wonder

What do they need from me?

What purpose do I serve?

Is it one

That I would be happy

To compromise?

Or make a sacrifice again?

If it means me

Being less than I am

Right now?

Sometimes

The moment has passed

Sometimes it never comes

And I feel restless

Caught somewhere

In between the lines

Of words spoken

And unsaid

Asking myself

Should I leave well alone?

Or see where it heads?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 21stApril 2019)

Wow! I’m a 1 year old…

I have just been notified that ‘My kind of beautiful’ has turned 1 today!

I started this mission with a view to spread my words and my creative ideas, as far and as wide as I could.  And though I may not have reached all the people from all four corners of this world, I am grateful for touching the one’s I have so far.

Though I had to take time out for a while, I am now back on the case, with many thoughts that need to be expressed and the latest creations I have brought to life.

I want to say thank you, to all my readers both new and old who have supported me along this part of my journey.  Whether you are just a reader or you actively comment on what I post, you are very important and I am very grateful for your time and attention, whoever and wherever you may be.

Without you, this would mean nothing, so please help me to further spread my words.

Thank you.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(25th January 2019)

 

A different mind set

Don’t know why, but for the first time in years, I didn’t end a year with frantically scribbling down words that spoke of disappointment and unhappiness; and crap that needed to be left behind.

Instead, somehow, I approached the end of year feeling quite calm, and at peace with myself.  Though the panic may have been in place to write, somehow, I managed to assure myself that this time round, it wasn’t necessary.

I know from reading through old written work, that I am no longer in the same place I was.  I have moved forward in so many ways in my life, that painful words from the past no longer hurt me.  It is an astounding feeling to be relieved of so much angst, that had collected and resided within.

I feel free of so many things that had stifled, stunted and restrained me.  I simple chose and still choose to turn my back and walk away, leave all the unnecessary drama far behind.

Better to lead a quiet existence, than to be down-trodden by people who do not value or think nothing of me.  But the truth is, I felt I needed to be a part of something, even though I knew it was never a good fit, I never truly felt I belonged, and I was never made to feel that way.

But for a while, when I was only taking my first steps to rebuild my life, it seemed they were a necessity, but I was quickly proved wrong; and that story never really changed.  I no longer look for recognition or validation, from people who should be give it freely, I just don’t need it anymore.  I am being nurtured and encouraged in other ways, by people all around the world.

I have continued to be open to new things, to be optimistic, to further empower the faith I have in myself, through the words I write and the many beautiful things I create.  And I intend to keep spreading my word as far as the world lets me.

That is something that no one can take from me, that is where my true beauty lies…

I have never felt like I had this power before.  It has put me a good place, and in spite of anticipating there are still possible battles ahead, I remain focussed and forthright.

I have not started the year by making endless promises to myself, instead it is the same mantra that I continually repeat:

I shall be true to myself, and no matter what happens, I have dealt with far worse in my life already!

That feels like a pretty good starting point for me.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Saturday 5th January 2019)

 

When the ho ho ho has got up and gone!

Is it me?

Or is Christmas really down to just a day now?

When I was a child, Christmas was a time when families got together to spend time, not just for a few hours or a night, but for a week or so.

It was time to really catch up with distant relatives and friends, and really let your hair down, because the car was parked, and you weren’t going anywhere.

Christmas cards, were filled with real sentiment, almost poetry, not just the few words today which don’t express anything heartfelt.  Cards were important, they said I am thinking of you at this time, and were not just for people you hadn’t seen all year.

Everything, pretty much shut down, except the emergency services and essential workers.  Christmas was a proper holiday for everyone else, shops closed early, pubs were only open for a few hours, so if you forgot anything, then tough you did without it! There was no 24 hour convenience stores or petrol stations open, which by the way, used to only sell fuel and a few car accessories.  And then, the streets would be all but silent, because everyone would be indoors, enjoying themselves.

But now, people have multi-sites to visit within a set time, eating in one place, then eventually settling somewhere else.  Trying to please too many other people, rather than actually just pleasing themselves for once.

Is it all about doing the right thing or being seen to be doing the right thing?  And who is it right for?

All the hype that is built up, in September glittery signs and wrapping paper makes an entry mixed in with Halloween costumes, that’s now also part of Guy Fawkes night! These last two being an opportunity to turn your kids into beggars, and allow them to worship the dead!  I can never get my head round that! I know all around the world Halloween means something different, but that doesn’t apply here.

Anyway, sorry I digress.  I am absolutely horrified at the small fortune that some parents spend on an individual child, just for Christmas.  Worse still, if it is the child specifying something expensive, as no longer are they satisfied with simple gifts that have fun, practical or educational value, everything is fast, hi-tech, and becomes obsolete so quickly.

People have finally wised up the all the chain stores, with inflated prices that get slashed a few days later.  Now, the first sales begin weeks before Christmas, and by 9:00 am Boxing Day they are in full swing.  Having been spurred on by the amazing “Black Friday” frenzy, madness ensues, where everyone just has to have that “must have” item, or they are buying the Christmas presents they didn’t get before.  People are still filling up shopping trolleys at the supermarkets, as though they are planning for some horrific event; how much more can they eat?  And how much of that is wasted?  And once all that is done, we can sit back with a drink in hand and reflect on how absolutely exhausted we are.

All festivities have long gone, Christmas is ‘so’ yesterday!  The ho ho ho has got up and gone, until next year.

For me, this period of time between Christmas and New Year, is ‘quiet time’, nothing much really happens, except maybe catching up on a few people.  But otherwise for me, it’s a time to take it easy, get my house upstairs in order, seriously recharge the batteries, and everything is on a go slow, until New Years Day.  I’ll drink to that!  Sx

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30th December 2014)

 

Unfortunately since I first wrote this piece, I have come to the conclusion that Christmas is down to just a few hours now…

Everyone still comes together to sit at the table, but their minds are elsewhere, focussing on social media outside the home, rather being socially interactive within.  Let’s face it, how many people remain sitting at the table, after the meal has been cleared away?  Or take the opportunity to continue the conversation in a group facing each other?  Instead almost as soon as the meal is over, everyone escapes back to their own little world.  And all the preparations, the worry, and the stress slinks away into nothingness.

The crazy thing, is all the big companies tempt us with their glitzy adverts, enticing us to come see more, come buy more.  But no one thinks about the real cost of making these adverts and how as a consumer they’re going to pay for it.  I would rather they didn’t bother, but instead do price reductions across the board.

People force themselves to do things or accommodate people they would normally do their best to avoid, and all for the sake of … keeping who happy?

I am not anti-Christmas, but I am anti what it has come to represent.  I feel for the people who feel they are compelled to go through the whole process, probably pushing their own financial boundaries, just in order to keep a child happy.  Or to able to give a child something they were denied themselves as children, whatever their reasons, if everything is accessible and afforded them, it’s only teaching children to have no value for money, or for how it was earned. It saddens me that children still have all these expectations in a time when people are surviving on credit, or are literally living hand to mouth each month.

For me, I have a few unhappy memories at this time of year, so it’s never easy anyway.  But for the moment, there is something missing, not just by physical loss, but the whole spirit of how it used to be.   Maybe when I feel that spirit again my outlook will change, but at the moment it’s very hard to see past that. Sharon x

(Updated 30th December 2018)

Weightless

Day two of waking up in my favourite city, with every inhale of breath I have taken in calm, and with every exhale I have let go of any restrictions I naturally place on myself.. No denying myself this time, if I want it I’ll have it, it’s about making ‘me’ feel special and nothing else.

I feel a kind of nothingness as though I am floating or walking on cushioned feet, actually experiencing life that is completely stress free.  And it feels so good.  And I wonder why I don’t get this feeling at home, this feeling of weightlessness.  This uplifted state of complete and utter relaxation, I wish I could package it up and take it with me, so I can take a breath of it every now and then..fill my lungs with euphoria.

No one has entered my head, or made me turn my glance to their needs, it has all been about me.  For the first time in a long time, I literally did leave everything at home, and I  officially left the building.  It feels like forever since I last took a breath ‘in’ like this.

Even though my body is desperately aching, I am a trying without much need or effort to ignore it… right now it doesn’t matter.  Within the few short hours I am here, time is precious, it has no space for pain and I intend to give it no attention.  I’ve given it enough already at home, so I am walking around this city, getting my bearings and enjoying clean air.  I’m sure the pain will sit waiting like a patient dog for my return, as all this relaxation takes it’s toll.

I see a different city this time.  As I people watch, it dawns me that all people really do whilst here besides the tourist attractions and coffee shops, is to wander aimlessly, covering many miles with no particular place to go.  Where once the coffee shop proprietors were friendly and chatty, now they are run like proper little businesses, with no time to converse or get an education; and they are found few and far between.  But I am not distracted by that, I came here to shutdown, and that’s exactly what I did.

I found myself talking to few people, though I sparked curiosity I was left alone to write on my iPad, but I could hear whispered questions about who I might be, or what I might be writing about.  It always brought a smile, and I wonder why they just didn’t ask me.

I had thought that maybe I might have written more whilst I was away, but I can’t force it.  The last few months have proved very difficult in so many ways, and I am still trying to process my way through it, but at least now I currently feel temporarily healed.  I know I have been absent from here for some time, much longer than I thought I would be, but there are many words to come.  I have so missed these pages; it feels like a part of me is missing when I don’t write, and until I do my mind will remain slightly clouded.

The most important thing is for the moment I am at peace with myself again…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(3rd September 2018)

 

 

 

 

Life laundry

This particular ‘Life laundry’ exercise appears to be the biggest and most sincere one I’ve had yet.  Three weeks ago, when I last posted I had genuinely believed that I was coming to end of that cycle, but instead, I found I had a lot more ghosts to clear from my under my bed and off my clothes rail!

Memories in the form of possessions, that I no longer needed to keep hold of had to be disengaged.

Things that still held a connection to a past, I no longer wanted part of,.  Clothes that had been saved from many a previous clear out, were now attachments to a time when I used get all dressed up, only to be faced with the usual disappointments, but I kept them because they were beautiful  and were meant to be worn again.

They all had to go.

Because, I am not that woman, now.

Bit by bit, I am coming through, I can feel the power in me surging, as I off load any potential remaining misery.If you aren't true...

For the moment it has stuck me in a whirlwind of ‘must do’, taking up all my energy and focus.  As I churn my flat upside down, finding little demons that had been hidden away, disguised as something pretty; but I soon realised that all I want is a blank canvas.

Maybe, I was being unrealistic, I hadn’t anticipated that it would take this long to finally get round to this particular clean up, I thought I had already completed it many times since I’d moved on.

At the same time, I am also performing the same exercise within my head, re-evaluating my own truths.  Trying to understand why I feel the way I do about certain issues in my life, and why I still allow them to affect me.  I want to emerge totally refreshed and stripped clean of anything that still taints my soul.  I want to feel whole again, as I know that I have lost parts of myself, that can never be restored, but they are not parts that I miss.

As I have grown older, my circle has become smaller.  There were many I openly showed loved to that were not deserving of it, it was only reciprocated by being forgotten about.  Not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end, but it confirms what I’ve always thought:

“Not everyone is or can be a friend”.

Regardless of how people may like to manifest themselves, integrity is a quality many people lack.   They are those who will openly criticise a person’s behaviour, whilst not recognising they are mirroring.  But like the saying goes, ‘He who lives in glass houses…”.  At some point

For some reason people these days, seem to be very quick to find faults and make no bones about expressing themselves, rather than see the good and just focus on that.  Or take the approach of ‘if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all’

Negative people, who seem to be quite happy to wallow in their situations rather than be proactive and bring about change in their lives, surround me.  Whilst at the same time making out that I got things all wrong, and spreading their woes all over me to dampen my spirit.

I have had enough of so much, and a lot of it is due to being so damn tolerant and understanding.   I know it’s a flaw of mine!

But for some reason I think this particular ”life laundry” session, is a really important one.  And while my mind is still muddled as I sort through the various piles of my life, I am frustrated that I have momentarily stopped writing. Obviously, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… you guys know me by now, but more that I am not yet at peace with myself to be able to sit and quietly write without my mind being interrupted.

But thankfully, in a couple of days I shall be running away from my life.  I am giving myself an opportunity to have a complete shut down, and hang an ‘Out of order’ sign above my door and a round my neck… it is well overdue.

How I have not reached my true breaking point is beyond me, I seem to keep surprising myself at out resilient I am.  I remember the first and only time someone said that about me, I didn’t really know what the word meant; so I had to look it up.  When I read the definition, I was taken aback as it indeed summed me up perfectly.

Definition: Resilient – to be able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditons

But even strong people have a breaking point, and I have felt so close to mine so many times since my breakdown 15 years ago.  But somehow, something in me always stops me going over that threshold, and I save myself again. Maybe it’s because I know just how dark and lonely a place it is, once you break through that barrier.  I spent many years locked in there, with only myself for company…And if I asked you

This ‘life laundry’ session is about cleansing.  Cleansing my soul of all that no longer has a purpose in my life, whatever shape or form it takes.

I know I am guilty of holding on to too many things, and these things have kept me hankering for things that are simply not meant to be.  But at least now I have realised this, and these past few weeks have been just another few pages in a chapter that I had to go through.

It is at these times, that I really feel my sparkle.  I feel like I am lighting up again, just like a new dawn

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(26thaugust 2018)

 

A temporary distraction…

I feel like I have been caught up in the middle of a tornado for the last few weeks.

I have experienced so many highs and lows, but mainly lows as situations and people around me have caused or added to my sudden chaotic daily life.  I have been feeling the weight of stupid mistakes as well as good decisions, and I have been crippled by the stress of outside forces, that have played a good game, but have only served to try and undermine my intelligence and good nature.

I have not been in the proverbial “good place”, so to speak.

I’m not even sure what triggered this Ferris wheel into action, but I do know that I have learned another great lesson, or should `I say had one reinforced.  Which perhaps was not what I needed at this time, but it happened all the same.  And just like the wheel, I have been spun this way and that, making me feel dizzy with all sorts of different thoughts and emotions going through my mind.

But bad things, happen to nice people…

July was an angry month.  I have had to argue/heatedly debate with so many people, in so many conversations, just because they continually took my kindness and manners for granted.  And I guess I am still feeling angry, because I just can’t understand why people have to behave so badly.  This feeling was the inspiration behind the poem “I’m done”, because I have come to realise that, I just can’t do this with people anymore.

I have been in contact with so many selfish souls of late, that I have feared their traits might rub off on me.  But I can’t decipher if it’s the disappointment, the loss of faith, the being let down or the emotionally attachment that has hurt me the most.  Maybe, it’s a combination of all these things, but there has been this big cloud of confusion hanging over my head, and silently I am still asking the question, “why?”

I feel muddled, emotional, my brain is addled, and physically I am dealing with more pain than I can really bear.

In truth, I am happy within myself.  My personal journey of discovery for last three years has reached a good conclusion. I have closure on many things.  But it would appear that there are still rocks from my not too distant past; that are throwing themselves in front of me to block my onward path.

I am just hoping that writing this is going to press the “RESTART” button, and begin the process of me yet again, getting back up, dusting myself down and hey, you know the rest…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thAugust 2018)

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