I am so glad
To have reached
This point in my life…
I can begin.
I am so glad
To have reached
This point in my life…
I can begin.
“You have to learn to get up from the table, when love is no longer being served”. Nina Simone
Ever have that feeling?
Well it’s not nice.
I have spent so long with one person, just to find years later that love didn’t live here any more.
Worse still, I began to question whether real love was there to start off with.
I looked so deep within myself, wanting to know when I lost my love for him, was it before or after that realisation? I felt gutted, wounded and let down, each recollection of those words being said and memories of actions that didn’t quite match, only served as another blow to already cheek.
Each time I reeled back from the shockwaves, as I delved deeper into my psyche. Realisation kicked in, in a big way, I had to face the fact that I had been blinded by choice. It was my choice, that all those niggles about our relationship, (or the things that I was unhappy with), had been pushed to one side. I had carried on regardless. Boldly bowing down to my vows as a married woman, for richer for poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health etc, etc.
More fool me, when it dawned on me that instead of being loved and cared for, I had been ruthlessly taken for granted, manipulated, used, abused and abandoned.
I guess I always knew that something wasn’t quite right, it all seemed one-sided – I was doing all the giving, and he was doing all the taking. But I had denied that fact to myself so long, that I almost didn’t believe it.
It was only when I started to look at the woman I had become, because of him, that the true damage became apparent… ‘I was running on empty’. I felt completely stripped down to the bone, naked of even flesh. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I had been craving for the very things that he couldn’t or wouldn’t show or give to me. I was indeed empty. The ‘belief’ that he loved and appreciated me, had been based on the frequently used three words, that he used to keep me going. However, there were seldom any ‘facts or acts’ to support them, they were quite simply just empty words.
The more I thought about it, the more my own true feelings toward him emerged. In my heart I had nothing left for him, and I had no idea when those feelings had left me. But once again, I found myself in a very lonely place, it was hard justifying my reasons, to those who were also blinded by his charms.
Everything changed after that revelation.
I had woken up!
Finally I accepted that I wanted to start living ‘my’ life over again, but for ‘me’ this time.
Throughout all of this, I had blamed myself, I took on the responsibility, I think maybe because it was easier to deal with that way. After all had I not accepted and allowed his behaviour to continue? So it was also down to me to stop it.
But all I want right now, is to find my smile and be happy again, because it’s way overdue!
This was written a week before my Decree Absolute came through, unfortunately, I still had to spend another 6 months under the same roof as the waster I married! Sx J
Show me a man
That will really love me
And I will show you
My inner self
Show me a day
That isn’t truly beautiful
And I will show you
The meaning of ugliness
Show me a person
That claims to have no feelings
And I will show you
Show me a reason
Why man and man
Cannot live as one
And I will purify this earth
By rough and angry seas
Is where I find my peace
The splashing of the waves
Has made me rethink my ways
In one glorious hour
My mother sea
Again proved her power
She released the inner suppression
That had for so long
For many moons
I have needed to be with her
To feel her fury
Surge through my veins
Only she can make me understand
All that really troubles me
Making me look into myself
Instead of outside
To find the cause
So long I have missed
Her soothing voice
As she sings to me
Across the waves
To remind me of those
When I would run to her
To seek an ocean of tears
That I alone could never cry
Making me realise
That I was not
Her only child.
I have faith in myself
My words have set me free
Even if they sometimes feel
Like they are the very chains
I cannot throw
Caution to the wind
And write with abandon
My thoughts run deep
And are not at all random
The book of “My life story”
Has until now
Remained mostly unread
But now my story
Is something to share
And my words
Are something to spread
There is still
So much darkness within me
That surely needs
To see the light of day
I didn’t ask for this life
Or this history
It just happened that way
But by rooting round
Inside my agony
I keep finding the words
I need to say
Self-belief is hard to find
It’s just a state of mind
When I’ve been knocked down
And not thrown back
It’s been real hard
To get back up
But I’ve done it all the same
I waited in the line
At the baggage reclaim
For my suitcase
Labeled ‘Lost Soul’
And when at last I opened it
All my hope
Came back home
I realised, that I had been unhappy for quite some time, but it was not only because of my health issues. I had suffered great loss, with the death of both my mum and my sister within two months of each other 5 years ago; the complete breakdown of my marriage, and life in general threw down a few challenges, that I had no choice but to accept.
My life changed again, and in a funny kind of way I was struck by the fact that
“life really is too short”.
The phrase became my mantra almost, I applied it to everything – people, situations, opportunities and arguments. It was time to face the facts, and stand up and be counted. The loss of my mum was tragic and unexpected. The loss of my sister, well though expected, knocked the stuffing out of me. I was with both of them when they took their last breaths, something I will forever be grateful for. I don’t know why, but somehow, I was meant to be there, and couldn’t have possibly been anywhere else.
For my mum, she took her last breath, having her wish come true, not to die in a hospice where she was literally about to moved, but at the same time she was too ill to be at home. I was alone with her for her final moments, having contacted all family members telling them to hurry.
They were very precious moments, a time I will never forget for as long as I live.
In a strange way, it was as if she knew, that I knew, that I would be the next in line to fill part of the hole that she would leave behind. It still pains me so much every time I think of my ma, and even though I have had small snippets of grieving, I know there is a well so deep in my soul, just filled with tears for the person I truly lost, she can never be replaced by anyone.
So many times I ask myself, if she had purposely waited for me to get to the hospital, so she could finally let go.
My dear sister, had been ill for so many years, and she had fought her illness with all her might. She never complained, or asked why she was chosen, she accepted it with all the graciousness you would have expected of a lady. And she was a lady to her very last day. She however, was in a hospice of and by her choice, she had picked where she wanted to end her days, because her home and sanctuary was no longer a piece of her heart.
She gave us time to prepare for her leaving, she pulled us altogether so that we were all on the same page. Some of us however, were a few pages ahead already.
She had kept her illness secret from my parents and other relatives, only saying what she wanted them to know. But on the flip side, between brother and sisters, we had been tasked with some kind of strict pact. We knew more about the depth, treatment and severity of her illness, but were sworn not to reveal anything. I think she knew how hard it was for us to do so, but we all loved and respected her way too much, so we had to honour her choices.
I sat with my darling sister at her bedside, for 6 days and five nights, being there for every waking moment, and watching her as she slept. Each day, I would sit and make jewellery quietly, and talk to her when she was lucid. There was nowhere else for me to be, I was right were I was supposed to be, right where I wanted to be.
I remember something she had said to me on one of my previous weekly visits, she knew of my unhappiness, the pressure I was under from having sorted our mums’ funeral. But yet she said something to encourage and assure me that she believed in me, and that my life would be better. She also understood that I had a few choice decisions to make, in order to bring about the improvements.
She was a huge part of my life, and God only knows the void that was left in me, from her passing. From talking to her 2 or 3 times daily to nothing, had such a devastating impact on me. There are still days now, when I wish I could call her, just to have a chat, and laugh about seeing the funny side of life.
There is not a day goes by that I don’t see, think or talk to my ma, sister and brother who passed many years before. When I am stuck, I talk out loud. I have a deep conversation with them, telling them my thoughts, asking for guidance or support. But the truth of the matter is that I feel them, they hold me close, they enwrap me, they are forever watching over me. They are my angels, the stars in the night sky, and I still miss them all dreadfully, even as I write this I am so choked up and tearful.
I did the best I could for both of their send offs, both were beautiful days for two very beautiful women.
There has been so much to grieve for, including the loss of my husbands’ family, and my life losses. One day will be the right day, when I can finally release all the grief inside of me, but for now I need to hold it together for just a bit longer.
I know for myself that writing this blog, is another doorway into my future. I am at last giving myself permission to experience and explore my varying emotions and feelings.
I wish I could say that I didn’t still miss them, but last year – which was such a transitional year for me, was very difficult to get through. I so needed their actual presence, but I got through it in the end. Those who think that grieving is over and done within a couple of weeks are mistaken, it can take many many years to finally get over losing someone, and it is not a process that can be hurried. Sx 🙂
Why do you play
This game my love?
I asked for nothing
And you gave me as much
You play with my feelings
As if I’m a light touch
But I’ve seen you
In so many others
Why do this?
Why do you bother?
I see your words making plans
That always fall through
But I am not here
Lying wanton or waiting
Or craving for you
You make your requests
For how I should be
To be wearing little or less
With no real intention
Of actually seeing me
You make me play along
In this stupid game
Rousing your loins for what?
You may think you
Have beguiled me
I am not.
For something better to begin!
Well. I guess I ought to give an explanation for my previous blog, ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, the title says it all really, but that’s who I was, and still am to some degree.
The ‘painful body’ is all about an illness I suffer with called Fibromyalgia, which is a horrible condition to live with, as it entails being in chronic pain anywhere throughout your body.
Basically ‘Fibro” refers to the fibrous tissue surrounding joints and muscles, and ‘Myalgia’ relates to the pain. But this is chronic pain, not just a few aches.
The severity, duration and locality of pain is different for each person, but things can be so bad, a person can be completely incapacitated or even bed ridden. There is no cure for this condition, the only relief are strong pain killing drugs, which only dampen the pain down.
The problems are not in our heads, and it doesn’t just affect the physical body, it also grabs hold of your mind, emotions and daily activity.
Other ways it can affect a person:
Forgetfulness – being easily stressed – lacked concentration or focus –
confusion (Brain fog) – clumsiness – lack of sleep – being unsteady on your feet – muscles spasms – lack of sleep – reproduction – blood pressure – being easily tired or exhausted by the simplest of tasks – lack of sleep through constantly waking up – constantly being fatigued or drained of energy
This list could go on and on.
So, how does it affect me? I suffer with symptoms from head to toe on a daily basis, even in my face, I don’t sleep well, I am always in pain, full stop. I am always worn out, it takes me forever to do things, and it has robbed me of many simple joys in life. But I have no choice, I have to live with it just like everyone else, who suffers with this.
The last 6 years or so, have been the worse, I now understand that this is something I have probably had for most of my life, but something triggered it off and now it is full blown. I only received a full diagnosis about two and a half years ago, at least it gave me a name for this monster.
What also doesn’t help me is that I also suffer with recurring Sciatica, I have spinal degeneration going on in my upper and lower back, and a whole host of other health problems.
But to look at me, I am the picture of perfect health!
As for the depression, that really took hold of me about 12 years ago, I literally skidded to a halt, then crashed and burned. It is a strange sensation when you body takes over the decision making process, when your mind is still wanting to speed along.
I have often said:
“It was the best thing that could have happened to me’, as had I carried on with my life the way it was, then things would have truly ended up being a lot worse”.
In just a short space of time, my life changed forever, I was plunged into the darkness of a sound-proofed arena, where I could hear everything, but nobody heard me. It was the start of ‘My incredible journey’, that helped me revisit my life, my present, my past, my past past, eventually leading me to look at my new future. I’ve had decisions to make, and many other issues to deal with along the way, but one thing was for sure, changes had to be made.
So here I am, this is where I’m at now aged 49, about to embark on possibly the most exciting time of my life…starting over again. I am not out of the woods yet, but I can clearly see a bright light ahead of me.
I have stopped writing the other blog, because I decided that, that was not the person I wanted to be anymore, it’s not who I am now, I’m in a whole different place.
Note: Unfortunately, 5 weeks after writing this I was involved in a non-fault accident, which wrote my car off, and pulled the rug from under my feet and my life. Sx 🙂
Not quite sure what first gave me the idea to do this, but it had been in the pipeline for quite a few years. After I gave up making handmade jewellery, I had a stash of beautiful beads left over, and I had to do something with them. This is particular lampshade would be quite valuable if I sold it, has it some stunning and unique beads from around the world, and not one piece of plastic in sight! When completed, the lampshade alone, weighs over 3 kilos, and I consider it to be a unique piece of art. Sx 🙂
About 3/4 of the way through – this has been a real labour of love!
Just to show some of the amazing colours
Completed shade, with a hand painted light inside
In it’s natural glory
A recycled square lampshade frame 4 x 4 inches
Wooden base 4 x 4 x 4 inches
Completed shade measures 4 x 4 x 9 inches high
Fishing wire, silver crimps & beads
A variety of different beads from around the world
Hours & hours & hours of patient beading! 🙂