8. Time to take a closer look

I realised, that I had been unhappy for quite some time, but it was not only because of my health issues.  I had suffered great loss, with the death of both my mum and my sister within two months of each other 5 years ago; the complete breakdown of my marriage, and life in general threw down a few challenges, that I had no choice but to accept.

My life changed again, and in a funny kind of way I was struck by the fact that

“life really is too short”.

The phrase became my mantra almost, I applied it to everything – people, situations, opportunities and arguments.  It was time to face the facts, and stand up and be counted.  The loss of my mum was tragic and unexpected.  The loss of my sister, well though expected, knocked the stuffing out of me.  I was with both of them when they took their last breaths, something I will forever be grateful for.  I don’t know why, but somehow, I was meant to be there, and couldn’t have possibly been anywhere else.Who's going to miss me

For my mum, she took her last breath, having her wish come true, not to die in a hospice where she was literally about to moved, but at the same time she was too ill to be at home.  I was alone with her for her final moments, having contacted all family members telling them to hurry.

They were very precious moments, a time I will never forget for as long as I live.

In a strange way, it was as if she knew, that I knew, that I would be the next in line to fill part of the hole that she would leave behind.  It still pains me so much every time I think of my ma, and even though I have had small snippets of grieving, I know there is a well so deep in my soul, just filled with tears for the person I truly lost, she can never be replaced by anyone.

So many times I ask myself, if she had purposely waited for me to get to the hospital, so she could finally let go.

My dear sister, had been ill for so many years, and she had fought her illness with all her might.  She never complained, or asked why she was chosen, she accepted it with all the graciousness you would have expected of a lady.  And she was a lady to her very last day.  She however, was in a hospice of and by her choice, she had picked where she wanted to end her days, because her home and sanctuary was no longer a piece of her heart.

You will find the need to let goShe gave us time to prepare for her leaving, she pulled us altogether so that we were all on the same page.  Some of us however, were a few pages ahead already.

She had kept her illness secret from my parents and other relatives, only saying what she wanted them to know.  But on the flip side, between brother and sisters, we had been tasked with some kind of strict pact.  We knew more about the depth, treatment and severity of her illness, but were sworn not to reveal anything.  I think she knew how hard it was for us to do so, but we all loved and respected her way too much, so we had to honour her choices.

I sat with my darling sister at her bedside, for 6 days and five nights, being there for every waking moment, and watching her as she slept. Each day, I would sit and make jewellery quietly, and talk to her when she was lucid.  There was nowhere else for me to be, I was right were I was supposed to be, right where I wanted to be.

I remember something she had said to me on one of my previous weekly visits, she knew of my unhappiness, the pressure I was under from having sorted our mums’ funeral.  But yet she said something to encourage and assure me that she believed in me, and that my life would be better.  She also understood that I had a few choice decisions to make, in order to bring about the improvements.

She was a huge part of my life, and God only knows the void that was left in me, from her passing.  From talking to her 2 or 3 times daily to nothing, had such a devastating impact on me.  There are still days now, when I wish I could call her, just to have a chat, and laugh about seeing the funny side of life.  Living this life

There is not a day goes by that I don’t see, think or talk to my ma, sister and brother who passed many years before.  When I am stuck, I talk out loud.  I have a deep conversation with them, telling them my thoughts, asking for guidance or support.  But the truth of the matter is that I feel them, they hold me close, they enwrap me, they are forever watching over me.  They are my angels, the stars in the night sky, and I still miss them all dreadfully, even as I write this I am so choked up and tearful.

I did the best I could for both of their send offs, both were beautiful days for two very beautiful women.

There has been so much to grieve for, including the loss of my husbands’ family, and my life losses.  One day will be the right day, when I can finally release all the grief inside of me, but for now I need to hold it together for just a bit longer.

I know for myself that writing this blog, is another doorway into my future.  I am at last giving myself permission to experience and explore my varying emotions and feelings.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(15thOctober 2014)

Note

I wish I could say that I didn’t still miss them, but last year – which was such a transitional year for me, was very difficult to get through.  I so needed their actual presence, but I got through it in the end.  Those who think that grieving is over and done within a couple of weeks are mistaken, it can take many many years to finally get over losing someone, and it is not a process that can be hurried.  Sx 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know your game!

Why do you play

This game my love?

I asked for nothing

And you gave me as much

You play with my feelings

As if I’m a light touch

But I’ve seen you

In so many others

Why do this?

Why do you bother?

I see your words making plans

That always fall through

But I am not here

Lying wanton or waiting

Or craving for you

You make your requests

For how I should be

To be wearing little or less

With no real intention

Of actually seeing me

You make me play along

In this stupid game

Rousing your loins for what?

You may think you

Have beguiled me

But downhearted

I am not.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thJune 2018)

 

 

7. All good things must come to an end…

All good things must come to an end…

For something better to begin!

Well. I guess I ought to give an explanation for my previous blog, ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, the title says it all really, but that’s who I was, and still am to some degree.

The ‘painful body’ is all about an illness I suffer with called Fibromyalgia, which is a horrible condition to live with, as it entails being in chronic pain anywhere throughout your body.

Basically ‘Fibro” refers to the fibrous tissue surrounding joints and muscles, and ‘Myalgia’ relates to the pain.  But this is chronic pain, not just a few aches.

The severity, duration and locality of pain is different for each person, but things can be so bad, a person can be completely incapacitated or even bed ridden.  There is no cure for this condition, the only relief are strong pain killing drugs, which only dampen the pain down.

The problems are not in our heads, and it doesn’t just affect the physical body, it also grabs hold of your mind, emotions and daily activity.

Other ways it can affect a person:

Forgetfulness – being easily stressed – lacked concentration or focus –
confusion (Brain fog) – clumsiness – lack of sleep – being unsteady on your feet – muscles spasms – lack of sleep – reproduction – blood pressure – being easily tired or exhausted by the simplest of tasks – lack of sleep through constantly waking up – constantly being fatigued or drained of energy

This list could go on and on.

So, how does it affect me?  I suffer with symptoms from head to toe on a daily basis, even in my face, I don’t sleep well, I am always in pain, full stop. I am always worn out, it takes me forever to do things, and it has robbed me of many simple joys in life.  But I have no choice, I have to live with it just like everyone else, who suffers with this.

The last 6 years or so, have been the worse, I now understand that this is something I have probably had for most of my life, but something triggered it off and now it is full blown.  I only received a full diagnosis about two and a half years ago, at least it gave me a name for this monster.

What also doesn’t help me is that I also suffer with recurring Sciatica, I have spinal degeneration going on in my upper and lower back, and a whole host of other health problems.

But to look at me, I am the picture of perfect health!

As for the depression, that really took hold of me about 12 years ago, I literally skidded to a halt, then crashed and burned.  It is a strange sensation when you body takes over the decision making process, when your mind is still wanting to speed along.

I have often said:

“It was the best thing that could have happened to me’, as had I carried on with my life the way it was, then things would have truly ended up being a lot worse”.

In just a short space of time, my life changed forever, I was plunged into the darkness of a sound-proofed arena, where I could hear everything, but nobody heard me. It was the start of ‘My incredible journey’, that helped me revisit my life, my present, my past, my past past, eventually leading me to look at my new future.   I’ve had decisions to make, and many other issues to deal with along the way, but one thing was for sure, changes had to be made.

So here I am, this is where I’m at now aged 49, about to embark on possibly the most exciting time of my life…starting over again.  I am not out of the woods yet, but I can clearly see a bright light ahead of me.

I have stopped writing the other blog, because I decided that, that was not the person I wanted to be anymore, it’s not who I am now, I’m in a whole different place.
All good things must come to an end...

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29thSeptember 2014)

Note: Unfortunately, 5 weeks after writing this I was involved in a non-fault accident, which wrote my car off, and pulled the rug from under my feet and my life. Sx 🙂

 

Hand beaded lampshade No:1

Not quite sure what first gave me the idea to do this, but it had been in the pipeline for quite a few years.  After I gave up making handmade jewellery, I had a stash of beautiful beads left over, and I had to do something with them.  This is particular lampshade would be quite valuable if I sold it, has it some stunning and unique beads from around the world, and not one piece of plastic in sight! When completed, the lampshade alone, weighs over 3 kilos, and I consider it to be a unique piece of art.  Sx 🙂

 

Beaded Lamp 1

About 3/4 of the way through – this has been a real labour of love!

 

Beaded Lamp 4

 

Beaded Lamp 5

Just to show some of the amazing colours

 

 

Beaded Lamp 7

Completed shade, with a hand painted light inside

 

Beaded Lamp 10

In it’s natural glory

Made using:

A recycled square lampshade frame 4 x 4 inches

Wooden base 4 x 4  x 4 inches

Completed shade measures 4 x 4 x 9 inches high

Fishing wire, silver crimps & beads

A variety of different beads from around the world

Hours & hours & hours of patient beading! 🙂

Something has cast a shadow

Something has cast a shadow

Over my heart

A niggling doubt, so dark

Is trying to take hold

Making me question

All there is about me

All over again

 

A shard of light

Has entered my life

Only just skimming the surface

But it has sparked

Such a profound effect

It has made me glow

With anticipation

It has made me feel

Suddenly starving

For the love that I seek

But do not and have not

Yet possessed.

 

It is this quiet angst

That has been aroused

In my soul

That has sent ripples

Through my mind

It has awakened a craving

So deep within me

I am almost bursting

To open up and bear my

Innermost secrets and dreams

With someone that I can truly care

 

It is a place, so heavily disguised

It could so easily be missed

But it’s still so fragile from much pain

It is from this place that

I must rise up from again

To stay there, is to be alone

And I have been lonely

For so long, it is so utterly wrong

 

But the fear of being hurt,

Let down, or betrayed once more

Keeps feeding this doubt

That wants to surge right through

To my very core

But I am a different woman now

To the one I was then

And it is her that I must leave behind

I am brave. I am beautiful

But if I don’t let her go

My heart with remain closed

And my true love I will never know.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(8th July 2017)

53

Fast approaching 53

It’s about time

I be, who I’m meant to be

It’s time for change

I can’t move on

If things just

Stay the same

There is only one thing

That I am desperate for

And still it’s remains

Out of my reach

It would appear

That all the men I meet

Seem to think

They have a lesson to teach

But I am old school

Not quite

4 score and twenty

But of lets downs

And insincerity

Believe me

I have had plenty

I had spent

Way too much time

With the wrong man

And even though it’s over

I’m still paying for the crime

But now as I reach

The tender age of 53

I realise that

He has no hold on me

Of the shadows

That he left

I have no more need to look

I’ve wiped clean his pages

It’s time to start writing

A brand new book

When I became free

I embraced the life

That lay ahead of me

How little I knew

How troubled my road

Had intended to be

I’ve come of age

Once again

It’s time to break

My invisible chains

I am becoming

Who I am meant to be

I am still growing

And I still sparkle

At the tender age of 53

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thJune 2018)

The other woman

The other woman

Knows what it is to wait

She has learned

How to keep face

For when disappointment

Does finally arrive

She knows how to hide it

Behind a beautiful smile

There would be no point

To her shedding tears

No point to uttering words

About her own fears

She knew the gamble

Before she took it on

She knew beforehand

That she’d be on her own

 

The other woman

Knows how to be happy

With any small scrap

Of loving she can get

She knows not to

Ask for too much

She knows not to beg

She knows it will only end

With bittersweet regret

No point crying

On fallen knees

It’s not want he wants

It not what he needs

 

The other woman

Knows how to bide her time

Though unrequited

She’s already put

Her heart on the line

Although feeling fragile

She continues to shine

Hoping her sparkles

Will dazzle his eyes

She has nothing else

To keep him in her life

 

The other woman

Knows how to be alone

Busying herself

Whilst not waiting

By the phone

Aching for her lover’s call

She has learnt to accept

One half of an empty bed

Where she alone will sleep

Because she already knows

He is not hers to keep

 

The other woman

Can only be, for so long

Before her heart becomes

So bruised and broken

And she can bear no more

She’s lived with frustration

She has survived the pain

But one day

The other woman will realise

That she’s lost much more

Than she’s gained

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(19thJune 2018)

I wish I could call you mine

There will be no more sad days

To make me feel blue

As long as I can think of you

I long to feel your warm embrace

And reach out

To touch your face

I wish I could call you mine

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(10thJune 1986)

Come show yourself

I peeked around few corners

In hope of just a glance

It seems there is nothing more

To add to this short romance

My dream carried on

Way into the morning

I closed my eyes and wished

While gently yawning

I awoke with love on my mind

Until the usual song

Shattered the whole illusion

It had all seemed so real

But the pieces fell one by one

Breaking into a million parts

On impact

So there I was

Left with only pictures

Of a scene

Not quite making contact

I flung myself

Back in to work

Quite whole-hearted

But I didn’t finish

Quite as I had started

I drifted away

Back into my dream

And tried to plot

A devilish scheme

Whether it will work

I do not know

But somehow

I’ll make his true intentions show.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(13thJune 1986)

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