Why is it that the people who are close to you and should care about you, are the ones that actually don’t understand or give a shit?
I am almost lost for words to speak, but I think I have the ability to voice my utter disbelief and anger in this way.
What is it about people, that as soon as you open your mouth to express something, they are straight down your throat biting and spitting venom, before the words or sounds are formed. Why are they always on the attack, and so defensive first, before they give it a moments thought that you may have something important or earnest to say? Why do they always think that they are about to be blamed for something, or they’ve done something wrong, and are therefore protecting themselves just in case.
It kills me some times, when I think that I have spent 15 years of my life with someone that is so selfish and conceited, who is only happy when we are talking about him, his interests, his hobbies, his work, his problems, his family issues, his hang-ups, and his many needs.
He is content with his selfish existence, because he can mock or block whatever or who ever, he feels is not important or worthwhile at that moment in time. Which by the way, is usually me. As usual, I will just pick up the pieces, and repair them once again, or I will make anew and ensure that each time the mend is stronger. Sometimes I really wonder why I keep doing this. Does it make me happy, feel more secure, feel cared for or loved, something special, or listened to?
“The answer is no, because, all I do is wait for the next time, and wonder if next time, will be my last time”.
Why does he only remember at the last minute, that if it were not for me he would not have the very things that he enjoys so much, and yet can be so selfish about? Why does he take for granted, the one thing he should hold closest to his heart and nurture, because I, unlike many others believe in him, no matter what? He gives me no real thanks or recognition, there is no real appreciation. There are always only words and more words, that essentially mean nothing or have been so devalued since the first time they were spoken with sincerity.
The poison is spat with such anger, but with no thought – that will come later. Later, when he realises what he is possibly or most likely sacrificing.
Why does he not understand that by then, it’s too late, his words cannot be unspoken, his unkindness cannot be replaced by care, and no soothing words he has to offer will ever heal the damage he has just caused. All he has achieved is to confirm what I already knew and believed, further compounded by what I saw in his actions, his behaviour and his mood, every single day.
I know that that will never change, as he lacks the respect within himself, to look into the mirror and see who he really is, and what he has become. It has been a long time since he really took a good at himself. Perhaps, it’s time for him to do it again, before he causes any more long term, irreparable pain and damage.
It is the same blood that courses through his veins, as the people – his so called family, who constantly torment and abuse him. But no matter what – it will always be my fault. It’s always my fault because I can see the answers that he cannot, I can see the damaged soul that he carries around with him in the bag he slings over his shoulder. I can put in the words what he is too weak to speak for himself. But most of all, I know the man he hides behind and pretends to be; even though he will never admit that, even to himself. I had began calling him Jekyll and Hyde, a very long time ago…
It is always my fault. Which is why it is easier for him to do battle with me, someone he feels is week, vulnerable and accepting of more abuse – even though he knows the bare truth.
It is easier for him to feel some sense of triumph, to beat his chest and parade his fantastic feathers, because he believes he has conquered me, but again, he knows the bare truth.
Without me, he would never have been enabled enough to do this in the first place. I gave him the chest to swell with pride, I repaired the wings for him to fly again, and I bandaged his wounds for him to heal… so how I can I still be at fault? How can I be so wrong again?
So now I have to decide what happens next.
Do I let him off the hook again and pretend that all is as it was, so he can carry on with his apparent “happy” life?
Or do I stand up yet again, and prove to him that he has no right to do war with me, because I am his saviour and not his enemy?
Or do I add it to the list of unforgivable things that he has done or said in the past, which has been building my armour and has made the reasons and readiness in me to do battle with him even stronger?
But you see, I am a patient and kind sort -until someone completely abuses my good nature.
Sharon Carter-Wray
(5thMarch 2012)
Note: It wasn’t too long after I wrote this, that I began divorce proceedings against him, he finally went too far… Sx 🙂
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