I hope I haven’t made this whole thing about depression and healing myself, sound as if it were so easy. Far from it. What a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that there no magic cure, it is not about “picking yourself up”, or just “getting over it”.
People with real depression only wish that they could do just that, but it’s not a choice that we have. People, who ask:
“What have you got to be depressed about?”, or “I’ve got a “friend” with the same problem and they did this”, or “You need to be getting out more and enjoying yourself”. And so on and so on. Etcetera, etcetera…
These people, who can voice such incredible words of thoughtlessness, and insensitivity, have absolutely no fucking idea what they are saying to a depressed mind, or in fact to the person suffering.
In my life, they were people who knew me, until I realised they knew nothing about me. And they knew even less about my life.
They merely saw the material things I had gathered all the chattels that should make me happy.
They saw the confidence I held in myself, the way I would always be the one to speak up, and who also always got the job done.
They didn’t see the pain I was in, or bear the pressure I was under, or notice my gradual decline. They didn’t know what was coming and neither did I.
But then one day it all stopped.
Everything ceased to function.
Everything shut down.
Not by my choice. I had nothing to do with it. My body decided it simply couldn’t take anymore, it was burnt out, exhausted, it needed to rest and be quiet. And for a while, in such a weakened state I had tried to defend myself against these people and their words.
But, no matter how many times I tried to explain, why this had happened to me, it fell on deaf ears.
All they wanted was to find something else to blame it on; buying an new house, building work that was going on, my evening studies and my recent marriage. Never, did anyone think that they personally, could be even remotely responsible.
That’s when I realised, that I had to emotionally remove these people from my life. They caused me more damage and more pain than I needed or could cope with, and they used up all of what little energy I still had.
The content is so true and wise at the same time. It takes years of experiences covered up in pain to understand and come up to the point where you see the impact that some people are having over your life. Cutting someone off is so damn difficult as you are hurt and blamed without even questioning the process that led to the certain act. From my own experience those people never acknowledge their own behaviour in terms of the cause, maybe this is simply the way they are.
But you waited, giving chances one by one, willing to express what you truly feel until the line is being crossed.
Wish you best in getting yourself back together! 🙂
Thank you for your comments. I would like to add that I also believe that when you get to a certain age, you start to reevaluate the people and things around you, and decide if they really are important or add value to your life. Sx 🙂