A different mind set

Don’t know why, but for the first time in years, I didn’t end a year with frantically scribbling down words that spoke of disappointment and unhappiness; and crap that needed to be left behind.

Instead, somehow, I approached the end of year feeling quite calm, and at peace with myself.  Though the panic may have been in place to write, somehow, I managed to assure myself that this time round, it wasn’t necessary.

I know from reading through old written work, that I am no longer in the same place I was.  I have moved forward in so many ways in my life, that painful words from the past no longer hurt me.  It is an astounding feeling to be relieved of so much angst, that had collected and resided within.

I feel free of so many things that had stifled, stunted and restrained me.  I simple chose and still choose to turn my back and walk away, leave all the unnecessary drama far behind.

Better to lead a quiet existence, than to be down-trodden by people who do not value or think nothing of me.  But the truth is, I felt I needed to be a part of something, even though I knew it was never a good fit, I never truly felt I belonged, and I was never made to feel that way.

But for a while, when I was only taking my first steps to rebuild my life, it seemed they were a necessity, but I was quickly proved wrong; and that story never really changed.  I no longer look for recognition or validation, from people who should be give it freely, I just don’t need it anymore.  I am being nurtured and encouraged in other ways, by people all around the world.

I have continued to be open to new things, to be optimistic, to further empower the faith I have in myself, through the words I write and the many beautiful things I create.  And I intend to keep spreading my word as far as the world lets me.

That is something that no one can take from me, that is where my true beauty lies…

I have never felt like I had this power before.  It has put me a good place, and in spite of anticipating there are still possible battles ahead, I remain focussed and forthright.

I have not started the year by making endless promises to myself, instead it is the same mantra that I continually repeat:

I shall be true to myself, and no matter what happens, I have dealt with far worse in my life already!

That feels like a pretty good starting point for me.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Saturday 5th January 2019)

 

Published by Sharon Carter-Wray

I have been writing since I was 13 years old and I am now 52. It all began with a writing poetry project for school, and it has continued to evolve. It was a time that coincided with my brother’s seriously ill health, and his subsequent death from that illness; and writing was my way of dealing with that. As part of a ‘Life laundry’ exercise about 20 years ago, I destroyed a large part of my written work, mainly because I finally understood how it tied me to a place, that I never wanted to revisit again in my lifetime. It was also the mark of a turning point, recognizing my continual growth and healing. I find that writing is a way of releasing thoughts and untangling my complex mind, it always nourishes and makes me feel better. Even if sometimes my own words bring tears to my eyes. But I have noted over time, that the tears have become less. Even if the subject that caused them still hurts. In more recent years I have created and write for my own blog, called “Journey through a painful body and depressed mind”, as well as contributing to an online mental health site called “Mental Movement”. Both of these have witnessed my deepest and most desperate moments, whilst dealing with my own issues of depression and my failing physical health. I have written hundreds of poems over the years, expressing everything from joy, deep sorrow, bereavement to starting over again; it is definitely something I do when I need to restore balance. And they are written on all sorts of things, whatever was available to me at the time when the words chose to pour out of me; so they amount to quite a collection. I used to say that, “if anyone were to pick them up and read them, they would be holding ‘The book of my life story’ in their hands”. And that is still true to some degree today, but now I also express myself through my art & creativity, and the beautiful things that I create. A lot of what I am posting, was written as a teenager over 30 years ago, so please note the date at the end of each entry. However, in most cases, the contents are still very appropriate and ring very true today. I always knew back then, that I was wise beyond my years, and looking back now it’s almost as though I already knew what lay ahead of me. It’s as if my words were the very seed of my true vocation, as now I believe that writing is very much a part of my future and something I must do. I have only ever shared my written words with a few people in my life before, but now I feel brave enough to put myself out there and share with the world. I hope you enjoy. Sx

Free expression, The here and now

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