This particular ‘Life laundry’ exercise appears to be the biggest and most sincere one I’ve had yet. Three weeks ago, when I last posted I had genuinely believed that I was coming to end of that cycle, but instead, I found I had a lot more ghosts to clear from my under my bed and off my clothes rail!
Memories in the form of possessions, that I no longer needed to keep hold of had to be disengaged.
Things that still held a connection to a past, I no longer wanted part of,. Clothes that had been saved from many a previous clear out, were now attachments to a time when I used get all dressed up, only to be faced with the usual disappointments, but I kept them because they were beautiful and were meant to be worn again.
They all had to go.
Because, I am not that woman, now.
Bit by bit, I am coming through, I can feel the power in me surging, as I off load any potential remaining misery.
For the moment it has stuck me in a whirlwind of ‘must do’, taking up all my energy and focus. As I churn my flat upside down, finding little demons that had been hidden away, disguised as something pretty; but I soon realised that all I want is a blank canvas.
Maybe, I was being unrealistic, I hadn’t anticipated that it would take this long to finally get round to this particular clean up, I thought I had already completed it many times since I’d moved on.
At the same time, I am also performing the same exercise within my head, re-evaluating my own truths. Trying to understand why I feel the way I do about certain issues in my life, and why I still allow them to affect me. I want to emerge totally refreshed and stripped clean of anything that still taints my soul. I want to feel whole again, as I know that I have lost parts of myself, that can never be restored, but they are not parts that I miss.
As I have grown older, my circle has become smaller. There were many I openly showed loved to that were not deserving of it, it was only reciprocated by being forgotten about. Not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end, but it confirms what I’ve always thought:
“Not everyone is or can be a friend”.
Regardless of how people may like to manifest themselves, integrity is a quality many people lack. They are those who will openly criticise a person’s behaviour, whilst not recognising they are mirroring. But like the saying goes, ‘He who lives in glass houses…”. 
For some reason people these days, seem to be very quick to find faults and make no bones about expressing themselves, rather than see the good and just focus on that. Or take the approach of ‘if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all’
Negative people, who seem to be quite happy to wallow in their situations rather than be proactive and bring about change in their lives, surround me. Whilst at the same time making out that I got things all wrong, and spreading their woes all over me to dampen my spirit.
I have had enough of so much, and a lot of it is due to being so damn tolerant and understanding. I know it’s a flaw of mine!
But for some reason I think this particular ”life laundry” session, is a really important one. And while my mind is still muddled as I sort through the various piles of my life, I am frustrated that I have momentarily stopped writing. Obviously, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… you guys know me by now, but more that I am not yet at peace with myself to be able to sit and quietly write without my mind being interrupted.
But thankfully, in a couple of days I shall be running away from my life. I am giving myself an opportunity to have a complete shut down, and hang an ‘Out of order’ sign above my door and a round my neck… it is well overdue.
How I have not reached my true breaking point is beyond me, I seem to keep surprising myself at out resilient I am. I remember the first and only time someone said that about me, I didn’t really know what the word meant; so I had to look it up. When I read the definition, I was taken aback as it indeed summed me up perfectly.
Definition: Resilient – to be able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditons
But even strong people have a breaking point, and I have felt so close to mine so many times since my breakdown 15 years ago. But somehow, something in me always stops me going over that threshold, and I save myself again. Maybe it’s because I know just how dark and lonely a place it is, once you break through that barrier. I spent many years locked in there, with only myself for company…
This ‘life laundry’ session is about cleansing. Cleansing my soul of all that no longer has a purpose in my life, whatever shape or form it takes.
I know I am guilty of holding on to too many things, and these things have kept me hankering for things that are simply not meant to be. But at least now I have realised this, and these past few weeks have been just another few pages in a chapter that I had to go through.
It is at these times, that I really feel my sparkle. I feel like I am lighting up again, just like a new dawn…
Sharon Carter-Wray
(26thaugust 2018)