Letting go: 9. Romance
Romance etc, has been on the back burner for some time now. However, there have been moments with online dating sites, when I thought I was ready to take that particular leap of faith again, only to find myself hot-footing it back again. So may be I am not quite ready to go down that romantic path or find love again just yet!
It’s obvious to me, why there are still many fragile parts of me, that still feel raw and very vulnerable. No one, is left untouched or unmarked after leaving a long relationship, especially if it was an unhappy one. But to many, my pretty face and smile is enough to have hidden away all my heartache.
It has made me into a very different woman, not one to openly expose the lack of romance in my heart or broadcast my sadness. I am not as accepting or as tolerant as I was before. Going through the motions, just for the sake of being with someone, is not me, things have to be real. Enough time has already been wasted with the wrong people, I don’t anyone to drain me anymore. I am a grown woman after all and I’m in need of love!
Time spent on dating sites, have been nothing but soul destroying and have further disillusioned me. What does it really say about us? Why is it that we have to resort to online sites to find romance, companionship, love or whatever it is you might be looking for? I have seen thousands of faces and read thousands of profiles, but only a handful have ever sparked my interest; and even fewer have really turned my head. But none of them, have actually been who they say they were. They have all ended up being a bit wolfish in spite of their cute ‘lamb’ disguise.
The ones who have taken a chance and messaged, have been rude, derogatory or haven’t read my profile beforehand. If they had, they would clearly see that because of intention, height, age or location, they are unsuitable. Nevertheless, they still the take the chance anyway and believe there is a possibility of a relationship… of any kind. Maybe they think they’ll catch me on a good day, when romance is high on my agenda and I might overlook such important details!
I have given dating sites a good go, but I haven’t quite lost faith that I will find my true love. For me, all my senses need to be fired up. I won’t get that feeling from a photograph or a few lines. I have to meet someone, size them up and feel their vibes, otherwise there is nothing.
No more kissing toads
When I first signed up on a dating site, I did so whole-heartedly. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long before disappointment set in. I didn’t find love or romance, but something else entirely. I have to confess I am not prepared to kiss any more frogs or toads. So for the moment, I will leave things to chance and hope I meet someone the old-fashioned way.
It will happen, when it’s the right time for it to happen, and there’s no point in rushing or pushing myself to be ready, before I actually am. So, I will patiently wait for my Prince to come along… who will hopefully romance me the way I like.
In spite of my feelings about using online dating sites, I continued to persevere. Even though I haven’t met my so-called “Mr Right” yet, I still have a romantic belief that there’s a possibility that he’s out there.
They want to chat forever, but never meet…
Over the last couple of years, I have engaged in a variety of conversations with a variety of different men. Some chats were cut short very quickly, some eventually fizzled out, and some the conversation is still going. However, regardless of the nature, so far none have led me any closer to what it is I seek. Love and romance still elude me, as it seems they want to chat forever, but never meet… I still can’t get my head round that!
I am neither expecting or looking for a guy to charm me, wine and dine me, or financially take care of me. But what I do expect is for them to respect me. Using dating sites have been both very frustrating experience and a real eye-opener at the same time. Having been off the market for so long, it has certainly taught me an awful lot about men. In turn, I also recognise that there is a lot of behaviour I will no longer tolerate or accept. In particular narcissism, ignorance and arrogance. I am not saying that I am anything special, but I do know that I am far from being an average kind of woman. One who is fully aware of what I bring to the table, and what I’m not looking for.
I know my own worth.
I could be so many things
There have many requests made of me for anonymous sex, to be a dominatrix, to be a mistress, a booty call. I have even been offered money to spend a night with someone. I could be so many things, but this that’s not what I’m looking for. If I took up every offer of sex, I could be a very busy, tired but busy gal. I have received numerous unrequested ‘intimate’ photos, as though somehow a ‘dick shot’ will suddenly change my mind! But now, I return the same favour, if a guy sends me a photo of dick, I send him a photo of another mans’ dick, and see how they like it. It’s worked an absolute treat so far!
I don’t want to sound anti-men, far from it, but online dating sites have changed how people interact with easy other. People become brave, because they are hiding behind a screen, it’s gives a false sense of confidence, as if anything goes. Men who would normally never approach me, some as young as 18, are all willing to give it shot. If only they would just take a few moments to read my profile, it would save both their energy and effort. I have even had arguments with guys, who refuse to accept the fact that I am not interested in them. The type who turn nasty, because they can’t deal with rejection, even though it’s for obvious reasons like location, height, age etc.
But I’ve had enough of guys thinking that just because they are not in front of me, it doesn’t matter how they behave toward or speak to me. Some have been down right rude and perverse, but it makes me smile to think they actually believe their approach might work. However, I am always polite and respond in a nice way, one they can clearly understand.
There have been a couple of guys, who have broken the surface of my skin, but few have resulted in actual meeting. So here I sit, still alone for the moment but still looking. I will not give up looking or stop hoping.
He who is meant for me, is still out there… Sx ❤️
(5th April 2019)