16. The Liberation of Sharon Carter-Wray

Right now,

I feel as though

I have just emerged

Through the other side

Of such darkness.

A place I had been for years,

Sinking, lower and lower,

Feeling, darker and darker.

I, have been surrounded by people,

Who didn’t see ME

Who had no idea of the private Hell

I was going through

All on my own.

Or in fact, the pressure

That they added to my load.

But then a while back

I started to really take note of myself,

The people around me,

The situation I was in

And the fact that I was so unhappy

So miserable and so depressed

I had forgotten how to smile

And I felt like this

All the time

My body was racked with pain

From top to toe

I had to use my walking sticks, every where

There was not a part of me that didn’t hurt

In spite of me not doing anything for it to

And then very slowly,

And with the help of my Lady

A woman I will never forget

I began to realise

Just how much stress

I was constantly enveloped by

The sad thing is, is that

It wasn’t even my mine

Or even stress that I had created

it did not belong to me

In any shape or form

It was other peoples’ baggage

That they brought to my door

Every conversation that I had

Was with someone who leant on me

For support, or had something to share

Every phone call, contained even more

Misery, pain and tears

And to every friend that I turned

The story was the same

It was only then, that I realised

No one noticed me

No one saw my pain

No one could imagine my pain

No one could feel my pain

Sympathy was in short supply-

Empathy even less

Even though that was not

The medicine that I needed

I felt so sad

I was so full… of loneliness

And sorrow

But yet, I hid it all

So well behind a smile

My lady,

Helped me to see

That it was not really others

Who were to blame

It was me

Self-harming in a virtual way

Every time,

I took on someone pain

I was cutting myself

So deeply with their words

I was giving them my permission

To make me feel worse

That day,

I woke up

For the first time in years

That day,

I opened my eyes

And took a good look

At what I had become

And it scared me

Somewhere, along my path

During my journey, through the darkness

I had lost myself

I had lost sight

Of who I used to be

And suddenly I missed her so much

She had gone quiet for a long while

But I hadn’t even noticed

When she had left

I just knew she wasn’t

By my side

I have always called her

“My Free Spirit”

And every now and then

She would sparkle,

Just enough to catch my eye

letting me know that

She hadn’t left me completely

Every time I caught a glimpse

I felt stronger inside

As I grew stronger

I became angry

The angrier I became

The more I knew that something

Had to change

In fact, not something

But someone

And that someone…

Just happened to be me

So, with the help of my lady

I set about my task

Ever so slowly I dismantled myself

And removed the tired mask

I gathered all the damaged pieces

And put them back together

Just like a jigsaw

One thousand tiny pieces

Of my life

It didn’t take long

Before many pieces

Showed them selves not to fit

Somehow they didn’t belong

Where they had used to be

Was now occupied by

A different shape entirely

That is when I saw the answer

That is when I finally understood

That though the pain still lingers,

My smile is now true

“My free spirit”, hadn’t left

She had been saving me

Nurturing all my missing pieces

Until she felt that I was finally ready

To be set free

Sharon Carter-Wray

(1st September 2013)

This was originally posted as “The liberation of inner me”, but I have made a few changes in particular adding my own name.  This is a very important piece to me, but at the time when I first posted this, I wasn’t really brave enough to use my own name.

 But it is written about me, and my personal journey, but at the same time I hope it speaks to others.  Sx 🙂