Tag: affairs of the heart

Letting go: 2. Life

Letting go: 2. Life

It’s been two years since my divorce, the best, the most significant and most life-changing decision I have ever made in my life.  And more importantly I followed through with it until the end.  There is no denying that little piece of joy that flickers in my heart.  It happens every time I think of my ‘lucky’, if not timely escape, from the beast that had done nothing but devour me.

I know now, that if I had let things go on, today, I would have absolutely nothing.  Probably not even my sanity. 

He knew no end to draining me of all my resources and emotions.  Every day I am so grateful and thankful for my resilience.  My inner resolve and free spirit, gave me the will and the strength to save myself and set me freeUNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_d7

When we think of erosion, we can imagine pictures of the sea stealing back land by gradually wearing down the cliffs.  But what’s not so easy to comprehend, is the same erosion happens in an abusive relationship.  One person always gets worn down, whilst the other continues to be relentless and strive.

Memories

Memories keep flooding back, causing shudders to run down my spine.  Ones that are constantly flashing up reminders different events and situations, that have been locked away like time capsules in my head.  Thousands of tiny fragments, made up of images, conversations, arguments and feelings of real discontent.  They burst like fireworks in front of my eyes; bringing on pangs of silent agony.

Each time it happens, it is a painful reminder of how much and how deep I let him cut me.  His sharp words, his attitude and his appalling behaviour hurt me.

But now, each little nugget makes me question why I took on the responsibility of his actions, rather than blaming him.  Maybe, I thought it was easier to do this, just so that in my mind I could be free.  But in actual fact, I have been punishing myself by taking on his army of demons.

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_59Jekyll and Hyde

I see him now for what he really is, not that I had had any clouded ideas beforehand. And I accept that he was a master of disguise and I was drawn in.  Jekyll and Hyde  was the nickname I had for him, as a joke.  But in the end it was a very accurate description. I had enabled his capacity to feed, and I gave him a good food supply…  But that’s all I’m guilty of.  I didn’t make him the person he was, or make him do what he did, or think the way he thought.  He did that all on his own.  Driven by some incredible greed to swallow up anything that was good.

He did not want to fight for me.

He already knew he had lost me way back along the way, so there would be no point.  But he simply could not control his urges to hurt me more, by any means he thought he could get away with.  However, I played his game better than he did.  So, so many of his antics backfired on him.  I foolishly allowed the blame rest at my door.  I did not speak out or voice to anyone, how he had literally driven me to that point of no return.

He was a very cruel and manipulative man, a true narcissist through and through.

It took a long time, before I finally labelled it for what it was… mental abuse.

Mental abuse

How stupid I have been.  Stupid for taking the blame for his actions.  It was mental abuse, and it had started from pretty early on.  For ages I have been giving out the impression that I was ‘okay’ with this, but in actual fact I was totally churned up.  I was incensed by the sheer fact, that someone would want to treat me so badly.  Someone, who was forever expressing his ‘love’ for me!  A man I asked nothing of, but took so readily…

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_93Only now, do I really view that period of my life with real clarity.  I thought I had done so before, but now my eyes are really seeing things, for what they were and are.  Now I fully appreciate the damage, that his persistent chipping away had done to my confidence, my trust and my self-belief.

So much so, that I not only felt it, but I believed in my own unworthiness, instead of questioning his.

This has got to end.  I am still allowing him to destroy me from within.  I am letting all those negative memories and images from that life invade my daily being.  It has soaked up so much of my time and energy, battling with negative thoughts and reliving bad experiences for more than just the second time.

I have continued to emotionally beat myself up on his behalf, and by opening that door, I have enabled others to think they can do the same thing.

The damage

There is no doubt of the damage he has done.  He has left me deeply scarred with many insecurities, weaknesses and fears deeply etched in my mind.  He has damaged my belief in men, being who they say they are, and saying exactly what they mean.

This last year I have forgotten how to celebrate and enjoy my newfound life and liberty.  I have stayed being caught up in the past.  Somehow, I let his demons in and they took over and took a firm hold.  Of course, no good has come of doing this or being this way.  But at least now I can openly admit, that I have just successfully managed to further maim and cripple myself.  By holding to things and memories, that have no place in my present.  I must forever remind myself when these thoughts appear, to acknowledge that that was my old life.  I am a survivor and not a victim.

This mental and emotional intrusion, of my past into my present day has got to stop.  It will always be where it is now and where it belongs… in the past.

Yes, I have been incredibly fucking stupid…!  I have been struggling with this pain for far too long, and now I need to let it go.

It is time to forgive myself.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31stDecember 2016)

 

Update:

I am pleased to say that part of my ‘life laundry’, included virtually eradicating any evidence of my ex-husband from my life. I was brutal, I had to be.  Even things that I loved were gotten rid of, if they were tainted with any negative connection to him.  It took a while to go through everything, but it was not only necessary, it was essential.

White acrylic on canvas, with black ink

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 4 years since my divorce, and almost 4 since I started my life over.  I am also very conscious that it’s all part of my incredible journey.  It was just a very long pitstop.

Thankfully, I recognise that I have already come a very long way and my story is not over yet.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Updated Monday 28th January 2019)

 

 

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I left you, for me…

Do not for one moment

Feel proud

For what you’ve done

And do not believe

That you have somehow

Reduced me

You do not have that power

Just as you cannot be

The master of me

 

Don’t think for a second

That your insincere words

Or idle gossip

Has left me damaged

Or wounded me

My skin thickened

When I saw sense

And I began to self-heal

 

Do not be mistaken

In believing that

You,

Walked away from me

Think again

Who really took

That first step away?

Was it you, or was it me?

Whose back is turned?

Who do you no longer

Hear from or see?

 

Do not be fooled

If you think you have won

I have not stopped

I’ve only just begun

I called you out

A long time ago

I recognised your

Bitter & twisted soul

 

So, though you may believe

That I am lost without you

That I am lonely, at odds

Ill at ease

Just ponder this…

I-left-you… for ME.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(25thJanuary 2019)

 

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Read me like braille

Close your eyes

And surrender to

Your other senses

Unfasten your mind

And visualise me

In another way

Say nothing

As your fingers travel

Over every dip and curve

Learn

From my response to you

Hear if we are in tune

Caress

Every part of me

Listen closely

To the gasps I inhale

Breathe me in

From the sighs

That I exhale

Let your fingers

Slowly glide over me

As you read my skin

Like braille

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rdJanuary 2019)

2

When the ho ho ho has got up and gone!

Is it me?

Or is Christmas really down to just a day now?

When I was a child, Christmas was a time when families got together to spend time, not just for a few hours or a night, but for a week or so.

It was time to really catch up with distant relatives and friends, and really let your hair down, because the car was parked, and you weren’t going anywhere.

Christmas cards, were filled with real sentiment, almost poetry, not just the few words today which don’t express anything heartfelt.  Cards were important, they said I am thinking of you at this time, and were not just for people you hadn’t seen all year.

Everything, pretty much shut down, except the emergency services and essential workers.  Christmas was a proper holiday for everyone else, shops closed early, pubs were only open for a few hours, so if you forgot anything, then tough you did without it! There was no 24 hour convenience stores or petrol stations open, which by the way, used to only sell fuel and a few car accessories.  And then, the streets would be all but silent, because everyone would be indoors, enjoying themselves.

But now, people have multi-sites to visit within a set time, eating in one place, then eventually settling somewhere else.  Trying to please too many other people, rather than actually just pleasing themselves for once.

Is it all about doing the right thing or being seen to be doing the right thing?  And who is it right for?

All the hype that is built up, in September glittery signs and wrapping paper makes an entry mixed in with Halloween costumes, that’s now also part of Guy Fawkes night! These last two being an opportunity to turn your kids into beggars, and allow them to worship the dead!  I can never get my head round that! I know all around the world Halloween means something different, but that doesn’t apply here.

Anyway, sorry I digress.  I am absolutely horrified at the small fortune that some parents spend on an individual child, just for Christmas.  Worse still, if it is the child specifying something expensive, as no longer are they satisfied with simple gifts that have fun, practical or educational value, everything is fast, hi-tech, and becomes obsolete so quickly.

People have finally wised up the all the chain stores, with inflated prices that get slashed a few days later.  Now, the first sales begin weeks before Christmas, and by 9:00 am Boxing Day they are in full swing.  Having been spurred on by the amazing “Black Friday” frenzy, madness ensues, where everyone just has to have that “must have” item, or they are buying the Christmas presents they didn’t get before.  People are still filling up shopping trolleys at the supermarkets, as though they are planning for some horrific event; how much more can they eat?  And how much of that is wasted?  And once all that is done, we can sit back with a drink in hand and reflect on how absolutely exhausted we are.

All festivities have long gone, Christmas is ‘so’ yesterday!  The ho ho ho has got up and gone, until next year.

For me, this period of time between Christmas and New Year, is ‘quiet time’, nothing much really happens, except maybe catching up on a few people.  But otherwise for me, it’s a time to take it easy, get my house upstairs in order, seriously recharge the batteries, and everything is on a go slow, until New Years Day.  I’ll drink to that!  Sx

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30th December 2014)

 

Unfortunately since I first wrote this piece, I have come to the conclusion that Christmas is down to just a few hours now…

Everyone still comes together to sit at the table, but their minds are elsewhere, focussing on social media outside the home, rather being socially interactive within.  Let’s face it, how many people remain sitting at the table, after the meal has been cleared away?  Or take the opportunity to continue the conversation in a group facing each other?  Instead almost as soon as the meal is over, everyone escapes back to their own little world.  And all the preparations, the worry, and the stress slinks away into nothingness.

The crazy thing, is all the big companies tempt us with their glitzy adverts, enticing us to come see more, come buy more.  But no one thinks about the real cost of making these adverts and how as a consumer they’re going to pay for it.  I would rather they didn’t bother, but instead do price reductions across the board.

People force themselves to do things or accommodate people they would normally do their best to avoid, and all for the sake of … keeping who happy?

I am not anti-Christmas, but I am anti what it has come to represent.  I feel for the people who feel they are compelled to go through the whole process, probably pushing their own financial boundaries, just in order to keep a child happy.  Or to able to give a child something they were denied themselves as children, whatever their reasons, if everything is accessible and afforded them, it’s only teaching children to have no value for money, or for how it was earned. It saddens me that children still have all these expectations in a time when people are surviving on credit, or are literally living hand to mouth each month.

For me, I have a few unhappy memories at this time of year, so it’s never easy anyway.  But for the moment, there is something missing, not just by physical loss, but the whole spirit of how it used to be.   Maybe when I feel that spirit again my outlook will change, but at the moment it’s very hard to see past that. Sharon x

(Updated 30th December 2018)

2

I keep that beast inside

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To stand here and beat my chest

Whilst screaming out fury

From the pit of my lungs

I have been lied to and cheated

I have been let down

Believed to be defeated

I have been knocked back

Pushed this way and that

But still I got back up

I have been abandoned

I have been bruised

I have been insulted

I have been abused

And still all I want is truth

I have been stifled

I have been blinded

I have been stunted

I have been haunted

By so many ghosts of the past

I have been verbally savaged

My whole body has been

Tortured, literally ravished

By more than just

The hands of a man

I have been labelled

I have been tainted

I have been shunned no end

I have been betrayed

By those calling themselves

‘Family’ and ‘friends’

They didn’t know

I’d already figured it

To be the end

 

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To beat my chest in pain

But instead I stay silent

With the raging fury

Burning and boiling

From the inside out

But safely contained within

If I could write away this wrath

Then I surely would

But I fear that each word

That I dare to scrawl

Will burns holes upon the

Pages they are scribed

 

My contempt for feelings

I thought I had left behind

Like doubt, mistrust

And a sense of things

Not being right

Gave me all the reason

To rise up and fly

Words like envy and jealousy

Are the names of the

Ugly black birds that fly by

Up here I’m out of reach

No matter the anchors

That have been

Weighted and tied

Up here, I have no need

Of false-hearted words

I can see through

Many a disguise

 

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To beat my chest and cry

Maybe it’s just as well

I keep that beast inside…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 9thDecember 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

7

What if I told you

What if I told you,

That every time I see you smile

You cause a mini whirlwind

To go spiralling through my mind?

What if I told you,

That the mere thought

Of you not being by my side

Is enough for me to crumble

And fall by the wayside?

What if I told you,

That with your every kiss

My world is turned

Upside down

Into a heavenly bliss?

What if I told you,

That your very touch

You’re every caress

Sends me into oblivion

And spins me into

A delicious mess?

What if I told you,

That I long to see you smile

That I yearn to have you by my side

That I crave your wonderous kiss

That I hanker for your touch

What if I told you,

I want to feel the whirlwind

Share with you my bliss

Be made into a beautiful mess

Just by the thought of you

And you’re oh so tender caress

What if I told you,

You awaken my inner Goddess

Who’s lain, eternally waiting

For an answer to her prayers?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 7th December 2018)

 

1

Baby it’s cold outside!

Look at us

Just look at you and me

You’re the ‘lady’

And I’m ‘bold and brassy’

We’re not the same

As we used to be

Too many things

Have taken our

Innocent purity

You needed me

To show you someone cared

And I needed you

Because I needed

Someone to care for

Oh baby,

We’ve come a long way

Though we haven’t

Counted the years

After the first

But my dear

However else we change

Let’s not forget our youth

Or our simple

Unbending truth

I’ll always be your sister

As you shall be mine

I hope our friendship lasts

Forever and a day

In other words

An eternity of time

Trust is hard to come by

If we’re not of the same blood

But the least we have done

Is lighten each other’s load

Sister, I know

We will be

Where we want to be

And to each other

We shall be true

But please my dear

Don’t stop needing me

‘Cos I won’t stop

Needing you.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rd November 1985)

(First published January 2018)

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The other woman

The other woman

Knows what it is to wait

She has learned

How to keep face

For when disappointment

Does finally arrive

She knows how to hide it

Behind a beautiful smile

There would be no point

To her shedding tears

No point to uttering words

About her own fears

She knew the gamble

Before she took it on

She knew beforehand

That she’d be on her own

 

The other woman

Knows how to be happy

With any small scrap

Of loving she can get

She knows not to

Ask for too much

She knows not to beg

She knows it will only end

With bittersweet regret

No point crying

On fallen knees

It’s not want he wants

It not what he needs

 

The other woman

Knows how to bide her time

Though unrequited

She’s already put

Her heart on the line

Although feeling fragile

She continues to shine

Hoping her sparkles

Will dazzle his eyes

She has nothing else

To keep him in her life

 

The other woman

Knows how to be alone

Busying herself

Whilst not waiting

By the phone

Aching for her lover’s call

She has learnt to accept

One half of an empty bed

Where she alone will sleep

Because she already knows

He is not hers to keep

 

The other woman

Can only be, for so long

Before her heart becomes

So bruised and broken

And she can bear no more

She’s lived with frustration

She has survived the pain

But one day

The other woman will realise

That she’s lost much more

Than she’s gained

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(19thJune 2018)

0

I wish I could call you mine

There will be no more sad days

To make me feel blue

As long as I can think of you

I long to feel your warm embrace

And reach out

To touch your face

I wish I could call you mine

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(10thJune 1986)

0

Come show yourself

I peeked around few corners

In hope of just a glance

It seems there is nothing more

To add to this short romance

My dream carried on

Way into the morning

I closed my eyes and wished

While gently yawning

I awoke with love on my mind

Until the usual song

Shattered the whole illusion

It had all seemed so real

But the pieces fell one by one

Breaking into a million parts

On impact

So there I was

Left with only pictures

Of a scene

Not quite making contact

I flung myself

Back in to work

Quite whole-hearted

But I didn’t finish

Quite as I had started

I drifted away

Back into my dream

And tried to plot

A devilish scheme

Whether it will work

I do not know

But somehow

I’ll make his true intentions show.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(13thJune 1986)

0

Where to now?

I have crossed many oceans

I have sailed many seas

Still searching and seeking

My far away dreams

Though they may have slightly changed

They are still

Basically the same

The promises that I made

Are still there unbroken

And the ambitions

I sought to achieve

Are still there

Able to bend and stretch

I crave love, romance and tenderness

All the things

That still remain

Just out of my reach

 

I’ve yearned many years

For a man who could

Give and take

My kind of genuine love

I have waited to find a man

That my heart can fall for

But he is nowhere to be seen

And none so far

Can yield to me

The simple things and joy

That would make me happy

 

I used to believe

That maybe

If I sacrificed part

Of what I seek

In time, the rest

Would come to me

But now I know

What isn’t there

Never will be

No matter how much

Of myself I give or take

It will only increase my pain

 

And so I still question

Am I wrong to want

Such simple things?

Or if indeed I am

Simply just wrong…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Originally written 24thSeptember 1991)

Updated 19thMay 2018

2

Now that we are women

Summer is nearly over

And my sister is coming home

It’s many years

Since she’s been gone

I feel as close to her

As I ever did

As if she never went away

How will I react

At our first meeting?

What will I have to say?

Will I hug her dearly?

Will tears come to my eyes?

Like the time we said

Our last goodbyes?

Will I tell her

Of what my life was like,

To what it is now?

Retracing all the years

Since we parted?

Should I tell her

Of all my loves

How they left me

Broken hearted?

Will she love me

As I was, or as I am

Now that we are women?

We have seen and done

So many things between us

Will we still identify

With each other’s feelings?

I hope that we still are

Each other’s child

For we have travelled far

Together,

But

In different worlds.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(4thAugust 1986)

0

Richer or poorer?

I feel great sadness

For the people who strive

For what was not meant to be

They have a great passion

For the material things

Even though

They are quite immaterial

To their real lives!

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(15thOctober 1986)

3

Regret

I did not want the flower

That I picked

It just seemed beautiful

At the time

I needed the colour in my life

But not the bloom

Someone else I’m sure

Needed it much more than me

 

But I plucked it

I held it

And it was beautiful

Until the dream faded

And the petals fell

Leaving me with

Nothing in my grasp

Except an empty smile

That still belonged to me

 

I should have known

Just to look at it

Leave it

Where it had sprung

But the temptation

Grew too much

I had to take it home

 

For just one moment

It made me smile

For just one moment

It made me feel alive

And now it is dead

And so am I

 

The rain came

And washed it’s beauty away

And left me

With the memory

Of something I never had

It was never mine to hold

It belonged to some other

Whose tears of missing it

Will breathe new life

On it’s return

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(29thNovember 1990)

0

A new dawn

There is a new dawn

Rising within me

I never thought

That I would feel like this

This overwhelming

Sense of contentment

Fills me to my brim

The time is right

And the time is right now

I knew it would come

One day

And I have waited a long time

I have always know

That when it happened

I would be so happy

That everything

Would fall into place

Somehow

The feelings of relief

That are suddenly

All mine

That bring tears to my eyes

To remind me

Of the pains I bore

To get here

All I want is to

Stay here forever

Ride along on that wave

Until it takes me onto

Another new dawn

Where I hope to find

A new height of ecstasy

To raise me even higher

Than I feel right now

Nothing can compare

To the happiness and the joy

That I hold inside of me

For it is mine alone

Because it is my dream

And no one else’s to share

If only everyday

Could be the same

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(9thJanuary 1991)

 

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