Coming full circle

Coming full circle

 

I am coming full circle

I’d thought I’d seen it all

I’d thought I’d served my time

But instead, each time it seems

There is something else new

For me still to learn

Something new

That when revealed

Blackens once colourful souls

 

I am coming full circle

I am a fool no more

Where once I might have

Given my heart freely

It now remains reserved

Unwilling to be touched

Until it has been heard

She knows her own worth

And she has only known

Such pain

So much so

She refuses to be hurt

In that same way again

 

I am coming full circle

But the fools come and go

Trying to deceive me

But none of them gain access

Because none of them

Really get ‘me’

They want to treat me

Like I am some whore

But I know they see

That I am a so much more

 

I am coming full circle

But this is just going

Through the motions

I know I will find the one

That is truly meant to be mine

But for the moment

I will play this game

But I will not

Suffer these fools gladly

Or believe my search

Is in vain.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(5th August 2017)

Untouched

Untouched

No one

Has ever truly touched my soul

Reached the part of me

Where the fire burns

Delivering my glow

They have used their feet

To walk circles around me

Drawing boundaries

Slow and steady as they go

Inhibiting my growth

Clasping my ambition

In a stranglehold

No one

Has ever truly reached me

Delved down

Into the corners of my mind

They have scratched

At the surface

Believing that was all

There was to find

Little did they know

My kind of beauty comes

From way down deep inside

No one

Has ever truly embraced me

In a way

That makes me feel divine

They have used their hands

To touch my body

And their fingertips

To spell out the lies

And hugged me close

With insincerity

Dancing behind their eyes

 

No one

Has ever truly known

What it is that is missing

Or what it is I seek

I’m a very complicated woman

But with very simple needs

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Tues 2nd April 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 7. Integrity

Letting go: 7. Integrity

Originally from my personal blog, “Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind”

integrity | ɪnˈtɛɡrɪti | noun [mass noun] the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles: a gentleman of complete integritythe state of being whole and undivided: upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty• the condition of being unified or sound in construction: the structural integrity of the novel• internal consistency or lack of corruption in electronic data: [as modifier] :  integrity checking[1]

To me, in simple terms this means:

“Doing the right thing, even when no one is around to witness it”.

How to lose me

The quickest way to lose me, is to question my integrity or to show me that you have none!  It is way up there on my list of virtues, no ifs, no buts, no deviations, and no argument.

I have come across too many people that have lacked this quality, and spent far too much time in their company.  But it not something that I tolerate well, so from now on I would rather leave people who lack it, well enough alone.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I have since learned just how much integrity means to me.  Having been on the receiving end and having witnessed so any occasions when people have demonstrated their lack of it, it has done more than raise an eyebrow, and I have lost respect for these people because of it. I have many people in my life, who don’t even know that I can write, or that I am so creative or talented in many things.  They do not know that I have been writing for years and have created more than just a personal blog.  But they chose to ignore or not see that side of me, and therefore have no comment.  I sometimes feel that people would choke on their words, if they tried to say something to me.

I suppose the question I always ask myself is:

“If they are able to do something (not good), and not think twice about it, then what else are they capable of?” 

If I have that feeling about someone, they will lose/never have my trust or be allowed full access to enter my life.

I’m not even sure why it is so important to me, but it is a trait I will look out for in the simplest actions.  It has left me cold at times, when I have watched other peoples’ behaviour, when they believe themselves unseen.  It is akin to taking pride in yourself and your conduct, and a ‘must have’ quality.

But sadly, so many people let themselves down.  Sx ❤️

[1] Taken from Apple Inc. Dictionary 2.3.0 “203.16.12)

 

I am my mothers’ child

I am my mothers’ child

As I myself, begin to grow old

And reflect on my mother’s passing

I realise just how amazing

She really was

And the legacy she left behind

She did not raise us to be

Weak-minded souls

Nor she did bear us

To not achieve

Or reach our goals

She gave us what

Our father lacked

Or seemed unable to bestow

She filled us with

Good advice,

And told us stories of old

That spoke of a lesson

Of being wise,

Said in a way

Only she could have told

The message always

Reached home

Maybe because there

Was always laughter

In her own special way

We learnt about life

So much faster

I’d like to think

That I’ve ripped a page or two

From my mamas’ book

I see myself in her so much

The way I handle things

My patience

Depending on my gut

Being independent

Honest and forthright

Having integrity

And being naturally kind

But it has taken a whole life

To understand

I am indeed my mothers’ child

Sharon Carter-Wray

(25th March 2018)

What sleeps inside you?

What is it that

Makes you smile?

That brings forth

The sun that shines inside?

What is it that

That soothes your mind

When all around

Are pushing you

To the grind?

Ignoring all your

Heartfelt cries?

What is it that

Make you weep?

Dredging up sadness

From so, so deep?

Baring wide secrets

You’d rather keep

What is it that

Makes you roar?

Breathe flames of fire

Ready to do war?

Because using words

Isn’t enough anymore

What is it that

That makes you love

Without question?

What is your true passion?

That drives you to

Do it now, not later

 

What is it that

That you need from me?

Do you need to know

What it is that I see?

I see you smile

Trying to hide your sadness

I see your tears

When you’re enslaved by madness

I know your secrets

That shield behind your roar

I have the desire

To help drive your passion

I have the right words

To calm and soothe

And enough love

For all of you

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 8th February 2019)

 

 

Calling all readers!

The time has come for me to reach out to you, my readers around the world, and ask for you for some assistance.

It’s been over a year now since I created abeautifulmindonline, and in that time I have tweaked and played around with layouts, colours and fonts etc, and I would like to say that I am happy with the results so far.  But, I am not really the person that matters… you are!

I am always very grateful and thankful for everyone who reads and/or likes & comments on any of my posts and I also appreciate your time.

So my dear readers, I am asking if you would be willing to spend a few more moments of your time, just to add a comment or two about your visit to my site?  I am looking in particular to find out:

  • If the fonts, colours and layout work for you
  • If it’s easy on the eye
  • If it’s easy to find your way around
  • If any links etc. don’t work
  • Better tagging ideas
  • And any recommendations/suggestions for changes or improvements

I do hope that you can spare the time to participate with this request, as it will help me to get things right.thank-701985_640

Many thanks in advance, and I’ll look forward to seeing your comments.  Sx ❤️

 

Straight from the heart: 21. My fathers’ words

Straight from the heart: 21. My fathers’ words

After yet another restless night, I awoke this morning in a very contemplative mood.  After a while, this led to an epiphany which has troubled me all day.  I think I may have mentioned before, something that my father always used to say to me, being the youngest of 7 siblings; and that was

“you have got to fight for your survival, if you’re going to survive Sharon”.

At the time he meant getting my share of everything, as my brothers and sisters were always put first, and with an age gap of 5 years; I soon learned to grow up pretty quick.  And on occasions, when I have been accused of being ‘spoilt’, they have heard the bad side of my tongue, because they have no idea of the sacrifices I had to make, because of them.  My childhood, for one, they weren’t around when I needed support, they had all left and gone about their business. IMG_0079

Years later, they didn’t see the reaction I got after I gave up a college course my father had insisted that I do.  After all, I was the last chance in his eyes, I was the last chance to get it right, produce something that was well educated and would go far, a progeny he could be openly proud of.

They also didn’t see, me paying my way through college with an Avon cosmetics jobs, or that the only extra money I got, was the family allowance money (which wasn’t much), that mum gave me.  All because he flatly refused to further support me in any way, shape or form at college.  There are many, many other instances that I can recall, but I have strayed from my point.

Anyway, this morning, I got to thinking about the battles I have fought in my life to get here, you know, the times I really did have to fight for my survival.  And I started right from the very beginning, my birth.  I was born with a condition called ‘Vulvulus‘, which means a twisted intestine.  Quite a serious condition for a baby, because it meant I could not keep food down in my stomach, and was constantly vomiting.  At the time, my folks were living in London, and it took many visits to Southampton General Hospital, before I had surgery; and partly because of that I still have stomach problems today and bear a large scar to boot.  Obviously, it was touch and go, but I have always said that ‘I wasn’t meant to be here, so that’s what makes me special! 🙂

I’ve spent time revisiting my youth and adolescence, and the issues relating to that time, through to my early twenties.  I had started a business at 21, did it for a few years, then became constantly employed, I’ve had relatively few jobs in my life, because I have always stuck at things, wanting to see the end of something. UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_ff

But in actual fact, my ambition had been driven. Driven by my fathers’ words, that had never left me, even now I hear them in my head.  I took on challenging jobs, in very male dominated environments, but I knew my stuff, so no one could touch me.  I worked hard, harder that any of my employers ever deserved, only to try and climb an invisible ladder to nowhere, but empty promises.

Especially the last job, the amount of pressure I was put under, from day one.  This time I was working mainly with young men, doing Construction apprenticeship training.  I had a vast case load (popular industry), extra out of hours tasks with open evenings, giving talks to local schools, staff training and so on.  I gathered knowledge, I taught myself, I went to night school to become a trainer, I qualified earning a teaching diploma.  Then I went on to the full qualification, getting teaching practice in, and gathering certificates for anything that might be useful for the future.  But in the end, it was a non-starter.  That when the walls came tumbling down…

And now? Even though I have not worked for so many years, I am still fighting.

There was my ex husband, who had basically manipulated or abused my good nature from the onset, making demands of me when I stepped in to help his business.   I knew our relationship not quite right; I was not being recognised for anything.  He disregarded my achievements or input, everything was so one-sided; but it was my money that created the home and sanctuary, it was my money that mainly paid the bills.

Finally, when I realised that I could move no further forward, I fought to save myself through my depression, fibromyalgia, sciatica and so many other illnesses, and again during the break-up of my marriage.  I was always fighting to always do the right thing…  But the right thing for whom?

And then it struck me!

40042200_1909492615756275_1190609254218727424_nHad I really spent a large chunk of my life, living up to and going further than my fathers’ expectations?

To the point he couldn’t criticise me for things I have done for and by myself?  Maybe that was my sub-conscious goal.  I didn’t want to hear his criticisms, because he spent a lot of time criticising others for their shortfalls, as though he had none himself.

Or was it just sheer defiance in me, that has made me so determined to always do my best, and achieve as much as I can?

Or was I simply seeking some approval from my dad?

But the truth is, my father has no idea about my skills, qualifications, education or abilities.  He has no idea or understanding about the jobs I have done, my achievements, the responsibilities I have held, or even the reputation and respect that I gained professionally.  He certainly doesn’t know about my art, my creativity or my writing skills.  He really knows nothing about me at all, but in his eyes, I like my siblings could/should have done better.  Never once has he ever taken into account, what we might have wanted for ourselves.

All I know is that I have pushed & pushed myself.  I have always been so hard on myself.  I have punished myself constantly to do better, to feel worthy. And this is the result of it all.  Everything I have ever worked for sits with in this house, this place I used to call my home.

The sad irony is that in spite of everything, it is all being stripped away from me, by the very man my father approved of most.

And that I have to accept.

Sharon Carter-Wray
(12th December 2014)

Update:

In about 3 weeks, I will be celebrating my 4thanniversary of starting over.  I will confess that this part of my life journey has been a solitary one and has not been easy.  I have almost constantly been plagued throughout with pain, depression, low moods and a few other issues sent to test me.

But now when I feel like my mood or physical health is really going to bring me down, I remind myself of what a remarkable and incredibly strong woman I am.

I have come through the other side; I still have a smile on my face… and that is enough for me.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 24thMarch 2019)

You have everything in you

 

I am the light, I am the darkness

I am the light

That adds the sunshine

To your day

When your skies turn

From azure blue to grey

I am the one who will

Hold you close

So you can feel my love

As I kiss & hug those

Dark clouds away

By your side I will be

When you have fallen

To your knees

I’ll be there without question

When I hear your lonely

Unspoken pleas

All I ask is

You do the same for me

 

I am the darkness

Casting shadows

In your mind

Leaving traces of regret

A constant reminder

Of a loss you can’t forget

No amount of sorrow

No amount of shame

Can bring back the time

You’d wish to reset

What’s been said

Has been said

What is done, is done

And because of that

You’re feeling cold

And all alone

If you had only chosen

Not to bring the night

I would have gladly

Shared my brilliant light

But instead you chose

To abuse its’ glow

And now you’ve lost

This beautiful soul

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 22ndMarch 2019)

Inner child

Who is this little one

That has come from inside?

And why does she

So need to cry?

She is part of my road

That I know

But why does she seem

So sad and alone?

That secret child of mine

From so long ago

Is now prepared

To let herself be shown

She weeps and wails

And upon silent dreams

She sailed

And so aptly was

“Free spirit” so named

For so long

She has been my angel

Protecting me from

All that could hurt

Now she’s hurting too

But her tears help

To heal my wounds

And piece by piece

Part by part

She will reconcile the damage

To my mind and heart

For many years she has

Been within my shadow

Bearing the brunt of every blow

And never did she once allow

Her pain to surface or show

But now my inner child

My free spirit

Can take no more

And if, as the woman I am

I can truly survive this

Then my free spirit will

Once again glow.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(1st November 2003)

Why do I feel this way?

I have been taken back

To a time and place

That I would rather

Not remember

Or have a place for

In my broken heart

I’ve been made to feel a feeling

That I never wanted

To experience or

To acknowledge again

Once in my lifetime was enough

In fact it was

Once too much

I have been reminded

Of my value

In someone else’s eyes

Whilst knowing that

I am worth so much more

If only they could see

What they’re missing

That’s not so deep within me

Why do I feel this way?

May be because I have

Gone against my better judgement

May be, because I needed

To know for sure

But one thing is certain

I can return to that place

No more.

Sharon carter-Wray

(12th November 2017)

 

 

Letting go: 6. Intuition

“I was blessed with this gift, and it has never let me down, if I’ve made a bad choice it’s usually because I have ignored my gut instinct, when I should have known better”. 

I have believed for a long time that not everything is worth fighting for, and I have spilt enough blood and wasted too much time already battling unwinnable or futile causes.

I say this is a gift, because I have the uncanny ability to be able to see through other people’s problems, and guide them on what the real issues are.  I am able to explore different angles and perspectives, and untangle the real mysteries behind their problems.  I have people who lean on me for this, but it isn’t something I am always thanked for, as not everyone has a stomach for my brutal candor, but it’s what they come for.  They come to me for truth, and that’s exactly what I give them, and somehow, I seem to manage to get right down to the roots of the problem and at least open their minds to reason or a different level of understanding.

I never speak ‘off the top of my head’, and I am always able to back up what I say with good reason.  It’s as though I go deep into the recesses of my mind and can draw on an experience from somewhere in my past, that is relevant. 

Maybe that’s why I seldom confide in others, because somewhere I know the answer already exists in me, I just have to think it through.  I firmly believe that in my life, no matter what the situation is, I have already dealt with far worse and come through it. 

My comtemplation stonesThis way of thinking has kept me positive, and made me feel so much stronger.  This is why writing is so important to me, this is my way of sorting through the muddle in my mind, and seeing it in black and white print.  Writing gives me clarity, like solving a mathematical equation.  It allows me to explore my thoughts, and to be picked up and carried away with them, so I can deal with my demons and dilemmas.  From an early age it was a skill that gave me some form of comfort and expression, and it is one I cannot do without.

Intuition has protected me, prepared me and given me such an understanding of who I really am, and who others are too.  But there have been times, I have mistakenly given others the benefit of the doubt, and have got burnt fingers for the privilege.

At least I now know to never ignore it again!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I can think of so many occasions when my intuition has served me so well in the last few years.  My ability to read between the lines and see behinds the scenes, has saved me from much unnecessary angst and misery.  I have learned to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me, or have no sense of feel-good about them.

00948-in2bthe2bendI have steadfastly stuck by this, and in turn my state of mind and life have improved, my self-confidence and belief in my talents have blossomed and I actually feel quite happy.

I want and need for nothing that money can buy, and in my eyes, it’s a wonderful place to be.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 17th March 2019)

 

 

 

 

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