I’ll be back…

Hey there readers and followers,

Just a quick note to say sorry I’ve been away for a while, but just having a few crappy/crazy weeks, with the icing on the cake being my computer being hacked a week ago!

So thanks to all that have kept visiting in my absence, I’ll be back up and running again as soon as I can.  Sx 🙂

 

Mother Sea

By rough and angry seas

Is where I find my peace

The splashing of the waves

Has made me rethink my ways

In one glorious hour

My mother sea

Again proved her power

She released the inner suppression

That had for so long

Governed me

For many moons

I have needed to be with her

To feel her fury

Surge through my veins

Only she can make me understand

All that really troubles me

Making me look into myself

Instead of outside

To find the cause

So long I have missed

Her soothing voice

As she sings to me

Across the waves

To remind me of those

Unforgotten days

When I would run to her

To seek an ocean of tears

That I alone could never cry

Making me realise

That I was not

Her only child.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

14thaugust 1989)

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. All good things must come to an end…

All good things must come to an end…

For something better to begin!

Well. I guess I ought to give an explanation for my previous blog, ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, the title says it all really, but that’s who I was, and still am to some degree.

The ‘painful body’ is all about an illness I suffer with called Fibromyalgia, which is a horrible condition to live with, as it entails being in chronic pain anywhere throughout your body.

Basically ‘Fibro” refers to the fibrous tissue surrounding joints and muscles, and ‘Myalgia’ relates to the pain.  But this is chronic pain, not just a few aches.

The severity, duration and locality of pain is different for each person, but things can be so bad, a person can be completely incapacitated or even bed ridden.  There is no cure for this condition, the only relief are strong pain killing drugs, which only dampen the pain down.

The problems are not in our heads, and it doesn’t just affect the physical body, it also grabs hold of your mind, emotions and daily activity.

Other ways it can affect a person:

Forgetfulness – being easily stressed – lacked concentration or focus –
confusion (Brain fog) – clumsiness – lack of sleep – being unsteady on your feet – muscles spasms – lack of sleep – reproduction – blood pressure – being easily tired or exhausted by the simplest of tasks – lack of sleep through constantly waking up – constantly being fatigued or drained of energy

This list could go on and on.

So, how does it affect me?  I suffer with symptoms from head to toe on a daily basis, even in my face, I don’t sleep well, I am always in pain, full stop. I am always worn out, it takes me forever to do things, and it has robbed me of many simple joys in life.  But I have no choice, I have to live with it just like everyone else, who suffers with this.

The last 6 years or so, have been the worse, I now understand that this is something I have probably had for most of my life, but something triggered it off and now it is full blown.  I only received a full diagnosis about two and a half years ago, at least it gave me a name for this monster.

What also doesn’t help me is that I also suffer with recurring Sciatica, I have spinal degeneration going on in my upper and lower back, and a whole host of other health problems.

But to look at me, I am the picture of perfect health!

As for the depression, that really took hold of me about 12 years ago, I literally skidded to a halt, then crashed and burned.  It is a strange sensation when you body takes over the decision making process, when your mind is still wanting to speed along.

I have often said:

“It was the best thing that could have happened to me’, as had I carried on with my life the way it was, then things would have truly ended up being a lot worse”.

In just a short space of time, my life changed forever, I was plunged into the darkness of a sound-proofed arena, where I could hear everything, but nobody heard me. It was the start of ‘My incredible journey’, that helped me revisit my life, my present, my past, my past past, eventually leading me to look at my new future.   I’ve had decisions to make, and many other issues to deal with along the way, but one thing was for sure, changes had to be made.

So here I am, this is where I’m at now aged 49, about to embark on possibly the most exciting time of my life…starting over again.  I am not out of the woods yet, but I can clearly see a bright light ahead of me.

I have stopped writing the other blog, because I decided that, that was not the person I wanted to be anymore, it’s not who I am now, I’m in a whole different place.
All good things must come to an end...

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29thSeptember 2014)

Note: Unfortunately, 5 weeks after writing this I was involved in a non-fault accident, which wrote my car off, and pulled the rug from under my feet and my life. Sx 🙂

 

Something has cast a shadow

Something has cast a shadow

Over my heart

A niggling doubt, so dark

Is trying to take hold

Making me question

All there is about me

All over again

 

A shard of light

Has entered my life

Only just skimming the surface

But it has sparked

Such a profound effect

It has made me glow

With anticipation

It has made me feel

Suddenly starving

For the love that I seek

But do not and have not

Yet possessed.

 

It is this quiet angst

That has been aroused

In my soul

That has sent ripples

Through my mind

It has awakened a craving

So deep within me

I am almost bursting

To open up and bear my

Innermost secrets and dreams

With someone that I can truly care

 

It is a place, so heavily disguised

It could so easily be missed

But it’s still so fragile from much pain

It is from this place that

I must rise up from again

To stay there, is to be alone

And I have been lonely

For so long, it is so utterly wrong

 

But the fear of being hurt,

Let down, or betrayed once more

Keeps feeding this doubt

That wants to surge right through

To my very core

But I am a different woman now

To the one I was then

And it is her that I must leave behind

I am brave. I am beautiful

But if I don’t let her go

My heart with remain closed

And my true love I will never know.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(8th July 2017)

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