Have faith

I have faith in myself

My words have set me free

Even if they sometimes feel

Like they are the very chains

Restraining me

I cannot throw

Caution to the wind

And write with abandon

My thoughts run deep

And are not at all random

The book of “My life story”

Has until now

Remained mostly unread

But now my story

Is something to share

And my words

Are something to spread

There is still

So much darkness within me

That surely needs

To see the light of day

I didn’t ask for this life

Or this history

It just happened that way

But by rooting round

Inside my agony

I keep finding the words

I need to say

Self-belief is hard to find

Even though

It’s just a state of mind

When I’ve been knocked down

And not thrown back

It’s been real hard

To get back up

But I’ve done it all the same

Hell yes!

I waited in the line

At the baggage reclaim

For my suitcase

Labeled ‘Lost Soul’

And when at last I opened it

All my hope

Came back home

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(19thJune 2018)

 

7. All good things must come to an end…

All good things must come to an end…

For something better to begin!

Well. I guess I ought to give an explanation for my previous blog, ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, the title says it all really, but that’s who I was, and still am to some degree.

The ‘painful body’ is all about an illness I suffer with called Fibromyalgia, which is a horrible condition to live with, as it entails being in chronic pain anywhere throughout your body.

Basically ‘Fibro” refers to the fibrous tissue surrounding joints and muscles, and ‘Myalgia’ relates to the pain.  But this is chronic pain, not just a few aches.

The severity, duration and locality of pain is different for each person, but things can be so bad, a person can be completely incapacitated or even bed ridden.  There is no cure for this condition, the only relief are strong pain killing drugs, which only dampen the pain down.

The problems are not in our heads, and it doesn’t just affect the physical body, it also grabs hold of your mind, emotions and daily activity.

Other ways it can affect a person:

Forgetfulness – being easily stressed – lacked concentration or focus –
confusion (Brain fog) – clumsiness – lack of sleep – being unsteady on your feet – muscles spasms – lack of sleep – reproduction – blood pressure – being easily tired or exhausted by the simplest of tasks – lack of sleep through constantly waking up – constantly being fatigued or drained of energy

This list could go on and on.

So, how does it affect me?  I suffer with symptoms from head to toe on a daily basis, even in my face, I don’t sleep well, I am always in pain, full stop. I am always worn out, it takes me forever to do things, and it has robbed me of many simple joys in life.  But I have no choice, I have to live with it just like everyone else, who suffers with this.

The last 6 years or so, have been the worse, I now understand that this is something I have probably had for most of my life, but something triggered it off and now it is full blown.  I only received a full diagnosis about two and a half years ago, at least it gave me a name for this monster.

What also doesn’t help me is that I also suffer with recurring Sciatica, I have spinal degeneration going on in my upper and lower back, and a whole host of other health problems.

But to look at me, I am the picture of perfect health!

As for the depression, that really took hold of me about 12 years ago, I literally skidded to a halt, then crashed and burned.  It is a strange sensation when you body takes over the decision making process, when your mind is still wanting to speed along.

I have often said:

“It was the best thing that could have happened to me’, as had I carried on with my life the way it was, then things would have truly ended up being a lot worse”.

In just a short space of time, my life changed forever, I was plunged into the darkness of a sound-proofed arena, where I could hear everything, but nobody heard me. It was the start of ‘My incredible journey’, that helped me revisit my life, my present, my past, my past past, eventually leading me to look at my new future.   I’ve had decisions to make, and many other issues to deal with along the way, but one thing was for sure, changes had to be made.

So here I am, this is where I’m at now aged 49, about to embark on possibly the most exciting time of my life…starting over again.  I am not out of the woods yet, but I can clearly see a bright light ahead of me.

I have stopped writing the other blog, because I decided that, that was not the person I wanted to be anymore, it’s not who I am now, I’m in a whole different place.
All good things must come to an end...

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29thSeptember 2014)

Note: Unfortunately, 5 weeks after writing this I was involved in a non-fault accident, which wrote my car off, and pulled the rug from under my feet and my life. Sx 🙂

 

Something has cast a shadow

Something has cast a shadow

Over my heart

A niggling doubt, so dark

Is trying to take hold

Making me question

All there is about me

All over again

 

A shard of light

Has entered my life

Only just skimming the surface

But it has sparked

Such a profound effect

It has made me glow

With anticipation

It has made me feel

Suddenly starving

For the love that I seek

But do not and have not

Yet possessed.

 

It is this quiet angst

That has been aroused

In my soul

That has sent ripples

Through my mind

It has awakened a craving

So deep within me

I am almost bursting

To open up and bear my

Innermost secrets and dreams

With someone that I can truly care

 

It is a place, so heavily disguised

It could so easily be missed

But it’s still so fragile from much pain

It is from this place that

I must rise up from again

To stay there, is to be alone

And I have been lonely

For so long, it is so utterly wrong

 

But the fear of being hurt,

Let down, or betrayed once more

Keeps feeding this doubt

That wants to surge right through

To my very core

But I am a different woman now

To the one I was then

And it is her that I must leave behind

I am brave. I am beautiful

But if I don’t let her go

My heart with remain closed

And my true love I will never know.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(8th July 2017)

The other woman

The other woman

Knows what it is to wait

She has learned

How to keep face

For when disappointment

Does finally arrive

She knows how to hide it

Behind a beautiful smile

There would be no point

To her shedding tears

No point to uttering words

About her own fears

She knew the gamble

Before she took it on

She knew beforehand

That she’d be on her own

 

The other woman

Knows how to be happy

With any small scrap

Of loving she can get

She knows not to

Ask for too much

She knows not to beg

She knows it will only end

With bittersweet regret

No point crying

On fallen knees

It’s not want he wants

It not what he needs

 

The other woman

Knows how to bide her time

Though unrequited

She’s already put

Her heart on the line

Although feeling fragile

She continues to shine

Hoping her sparkles

Will dazzle his eyes

She has nothing else

To keep him in her life

 

The other woman

Knows how to be alone

Busying herself

Whilst not waiting

By the phone

Aching for her lover’s call

She has learnt to accept

One half of an empty bed

Where she alone will sleep

Because she already knows

He is not hers to keep

 

The other woman

Can only be, for so long

Before her heart becomes

So bruised and broken

And she can bear no more

She’s lived with frustration

She has survived the pain

But one day

The other woman will realise

That she’s lost much more

Than she’s gained

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(19thJune 2018)

6. And so the story continues.

I hope I haven’t made this whole thing about depression and healing myself, sound as if it were so easy.   Far from it.  What a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that there no magic cure, it is not about “picking yourself up”, or just “getting over it”.

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People with real depression only wish that they could do just that, but it’s not a choice that we have.  People, who ask:

“What have you got to be depressed about?”, or “I’ve got a “friend” with the same problem and they did this”, or “You need to be getting out more and enjoying yourself”. And so on and so on.  Etcetera, etcetera…

These people, who can voice such incredible words of thoughtlessness, and insensitivity, have absolutely no fucking idea what they are saying to a depressed mind, or in fact to the person suffering.Contollers and abusers

In my life, they were people who knew me, until I realised they knew nothing about me.  And they knew even less about my life.

 

 

 

They merely saw the material things I had gathered all the chattels that should make me happy.

They saw the confidence I held in myself, the way I would always be the one to speak up, and who also always got the job done.

They didn’t see the pain I was in, or bear the pressure I was under, or notice my gradual decline. They didn’t know what was coming and neither did I.

But then one day it all stopped. 

Everything ceased to function. 

Everything shut down.

Not by my choice.  I had nothing to do with it.  My body decided it simply couldn’t take anymore, it was burnt out, exhausted, it needed to rest and be quiet.  And for a while, in such a weakened state I had tried to defend myself against these people and their words.

But, no matter how many times I tried to explain, why this had happened to me, it fell on deaf ears.

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All they wanted was to find something else to blame it on; buying an new house, building work that was going on, my evening studies and my recent marriage.  Never, did anyone think that they personally, could be even remotely responsible.

That’s when I realised, that I had to emotionally remove these people from my life.  They caused me more damage and more pain than I needed or could cope with, and they used up all of what little energy I still had.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(5thMarch 2012)

 

Something brewing?

Another stormy day

When the ocean causes that

Uncontrollable rise and fall

Within my soul

What is it that unsettles me so?

Here inside this place

That holds apart of my history

An angry face of someone

I used to know

Is once again remembered

And lonely tears are welled

Ready to be shed again

For pain that can be felt no more

Winter’s brewing in my mind

Once more

Bringing with it a chill

To edge my heart

Stopping the flow of true colours

From reaching out, and touching

Another’s pale cheek, drawing

Releasing new life, new warmth

To calm someone else’s ocean

At one time, in another place

Maybe another world

I dreamt I heard, that someone

Calling me,

Whispering across their

Stormy waves

Trying to touch something inside of me

Who ever it was

Didn’t reach me

But I know somewhere

They are still crying out

Across their ocean

Maybe one day, I’ll be there

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7th September 1990)

I think I’m drowning

Reach out and touch me

Take me by the hand

Save me from drowning

And bring me safely back to land

It is shallow waters

Yet they seem so deep

It always seems that way, but

I could have saved myself

If only I had stood up

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thDecember 1985)

Seasons – moving on

AutumnAutumn slowly changes

Silent, shifting phases

Content among things that are now dead

Kicking once green leaves

And watching freedom in the skies

No troubles are near

Trees are bare

Just like my empty mind

My insides are hollow

Something is definitely missing

 

Winter brings desperationsWinter

the feeling of utter loneliness

All around me is cold

Warmth is absorbed in the wind

Time is creeping near

Decisions to make

Pressure is rising

Reasons to regret

Ideas to forget

Nothing is easy now

 

Spring there is happiness in the air Spring

But not within my soul

New life appears

New hopes perhaps

Wanting and needing

Crumbling dreams reverse

Taking things day by day

All in the month of May

 

Summer the sun shines on my heart

Summer

Another digit added to my life

Youth is no longer my maiden name

But age is now my first

Childhood friends now turn their backs

And maybe sadly wave goodbye

My last entry in my diary

I can now turn the page

On that period of my life.

 

Sharon carter-Wray

(June 1984)

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