I’ll fly away

I lived upon a dream

That carried me so far away

Each thought, went speeding across my mind

Without a pause to reflect on its existence

What does it all mean?

When distant friends just say hello

When once we meant so much?

 

Each day passes without a second thought

Not really caring what happens tomorrow

Or what happened yesterday,

Yesterday had long passed

And the future seems to hold

No sweet memories

What happened to the happy life

That we all so patiently await?

Or have we already missed it,

Like the summer days we used to cherish so?

 

They all seem so easily satisfied

But what is wrong with wanting more?

Each one just falls into place

To form another digit

On the number that tells

How vast we are

We are all strangers to so many people

But yet, we happy that way

Being of so little importance

To our neighbour

No one cares about not knowing

The neighbour but one

 

Everyone’s too busy

Trying to sort their lives

When they do not know

That it has already been planned

Why not just sit back

And let it take place,

And try and enjoy

What there is of this dreary life?

Dreary as it is

We still say: “Praise the Lord”

Each morning when we awake

But, it’s all just taken for granted

If we do not awake, how do we know

That we do not live,

And that it is others who breathe

That are dead?

 

As we sail, we remember

Those cherished summer days

And hope

That soon they may return.

 

Sharon Carter-Wary

 

(15thJune 1985)

Just a thought

To find what you seek

You must first be sure

Of what it is

That you are really looking for…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(22nd October 2017)

2. What happened next..

The day my body said “enough!”….

I remember it all so clearly.  That morning when I went to work, I could feel the tension and anxiety building up in me, as I walked down that long corridor to the office where I worked.  I was physically unstable, I was short of breath and I knew my blood pressure was rising, I knew something was wrong.

By the time I sat at my desk, I felt exhausted, I couldn’t think straight, and at that point I knew I had to see my doctor.  So, I told to my team leader, that I wasn’t feeling too good and needed to go to the doctors.  I got an appointment for an hour later.  However, as soon as I put the phone down, the panic attack kicked in.  I found myself gasping for air, burning up, with shooting pains in my chest.  I was terrified of what was happening to me.  But my team leader, didn’t get me an first aider,  didn’t take me to my doctors, or call an ambulance, she drove me home!  It was then down to my husband to take me to the doctors.

Crying is how your heart speaks...
Only someone who’s felt real pain could have written this!

As soon as we arrived, I was wired up, attached to a machine, which thankfully confirmed that I wasn’t suffering from a heart attack, but it did show that my blood pressure was a dangerous level.

After about an hour, I finally calmed down enough to see my doctor, who diagnosed depression, gave me some strong tranquilisers and signed me off for 2 weeks.  During that time, I got to know my sofa very well, I hardly spoke or did anything else for that matter.  I never did get back to work.

That one day changed the rest of my life, and even now when I think about it, it still hurts.  It was a very scary and painful event, but I also have to admit that it was perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me.  As it made me slow right down and take a good long hard look at my life.  I was no longer that strong, confident, straight talking person, I had instead become a delicate and fragile being.

After a few weeks of being off, the local authority that I worked for referred me to Occupational Health and also appointed a Counsellor for me to see.  Now, I have completed a Counselling course, and I know the rules about the client/Counsellor relationship.  My God, that woman they sent me to see broke every single one of them.  She didn’t listen to me, but instead talked too much, she was opinionated and tried to offer advice.  She opened up a whole can of worms and had no idea how to deal with the contents.  I was so glad when the six weeks were finally up and that I didn’t fully open up with her.

I think we’ve all been here at some point…

It took me a couple of years before I before I really started to talk again, I had become so quiet and withdrawn, I hardly recognised myself.  I gave into the idea that if no one actually listened to me, then I had nothing to say.  And the so called do-gooders, who always thought they knew the answer to my illness, was one by one struck off the list of people I cared for or cared for me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but later learned that depression makes you lose your confidence, and restricts the ability to do simple things like food shopping, driving a car, getting on a train, being with lots of people just to name a few things.  It can also last for years, can affect anyone young or old, and is caused by a variety of issues.  But most importantly it takes away the desire to do, and the pleasure away from anything you might normally enjoy.  It is like walking around with your own personal black cloud constantly over your head, everything loses its colour and just turns grey.

I hope that my fellow sufferers, who may be reading this, will agree with this description, because the list is extensive and this is just a brief overview.

I have often described it as being at the top of a series of steps.

Depression

Most people will suffer from some sort of depression at some time in their life, and will only fall down the first step or two; so it’s pretty easy to get back up to the top.  But when you’re clinically depressed (falling down the rabbit hole), you fall down many, many steps, maybe right down into the abyss.  That’s when it’s a real struggle to get back up, yet alone begin the climb back up the steps.

Again, I can really only comment on my experience, but somehow, I believe that others like me are nodding their heads.  Chronic depression is a real illness caused by a chemical imbalance, and so it is important to understand, that when you are suffering with it, you cannot get over it on your own.  You need to have medical intervention, you need all the help you can get and not be deterred by pill-hating well wishers, who have absolutely no idea of what you are dealing with.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(22ndJuly 2011)

What freedom means to me

3 years ago today

I started my life over

My mind returned

Back to a time

When I was young

And starting out for new

With fresh eyes and

Anticipation in my veins

To begin a life on my own

Void of anyone’s reins.

 

3 years ago today

I left a life behind

That had suffocated me

By it’s strangling out

The last tolerant breath

I had withheld

The one that had

Finally woken me up

That made me realise

Enough was finally enough

 

3 years ago today

I woke with hope in my heart

I was looking forward

To the new life

I was about to start

I knew it would not be easy

But I had to try

And in spite of my illness

Knocking me down

Today I still manage to fly

 

3 years ago today

I think on the life

I once had

And the damage that man

Caused to my mind

I may have looked broken

But I was nothing

Of the kind

I didn’t need convincing

That I was right to say goodbye

 

3 years ago today

All that I had lost

That had been absorbed

In another’s storm

Returned to me

Undamaged and whole

 

 

3 years ago today

I wrote myself a new story

With many blank pages to fill

And chapters made of hindsight

Penned with ink

Made from old cried tears

That no longer sting

 

3 years ago today

I know, I did indeed

Take a chance

To choose my happiness

Instead of his

But if I hadn’t

These words

Would never have appeared

This rose

Would never have bloomed

If I hadn’t

I wonder if

I would still be here.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(17th April 2018)

Happy anniversary me, you did it!

Fragile

You look at me

And see me strong

You took my smile away

And simply moved on

You spat your words

So spiteful and unkind

Each one of them hit me

Full of anger and pure lies

If you could have struck me

I am sure that you would

But you didn’t take the chance

In case I’d fight back

And left you for good

You were so sure

That you could break me

Bring me down to my knees

Strip away all my goodness

Also my liberties

You whittled me slowly

Right down to the bone

Taking everything I had to give

And still

I gave you much more

You left me almost empty

You drained me to my core

But the little I had left

Was just enough

To scrape myself back up

From that God forsaken floor

So you thought

That I was fragile?

So easy to break and weak

You thought you had won

But my darling

You were so very wrong

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(9th February 2018)

 

All of me

I come as a complete package

What you get

Is what you see

You can choose to have nothing

Or have all of me

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(26th March 2018)

 

 

Oh My!

Just saw this and had to post it! 🙂

Sharon Cart-Wray

29340229_2149895215232624_7440674882020442112_n
I am thankful! Sx 🙂

 

Because I am still his

He came to me again

And I like a fool could not resist

His every kiss

Or his touch that I missed

So very much

He came to me again

Still with the twinkle in his eye

The sort that said

He couldn’t lie

He knows I remember

The last time

I remind him so often

But still he tries

He knows that I will always

Give into him

He knows there is no other

That no matter how much I fight

I am still his

 

It pained me to know

What I had done

After I had done

I forced back tears

Knowing I had done wrong

Not wanting him to make me cry

To know how much he hurt me

A second time

He will never be mine

It would be a foolish

Dream to hope

But he satisfies

That ever present

Need in me

Even if only for

A very short while

 

He came to me again

Because he knew

I would be there

Waiting for him

 

Because I am still his

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29th December 1986)

A new dawn

There is a new dawn

Rising within me

I never thought

That I would feel like this

This overwhelming

Sense of contentment

Fills me to my brim

The time is right

And the time is right now

I knew it would come

One day

And I have waited a long time

I have always know

That when it happened

I would be so happy

That everything

Would fall into place

Somehow

The feelings of relief

That are suddenly

All mine

That bring tears to my eyes

To remind me

Of the pains I bore

To get here

All I want is to

Stay here forever

Ride along on that wave

Until it takes me onto

Another new dawn

Where I hope to find

A new height of ecstasy

To raise me even higher

Than I feel right now

Nothing can compare

To the happiness and the joy

That I hold inside of me

For it is mine alone

Because it is my dream

And no one else’s to share

If only everyday

Could be the same

Sx

(9th January 1991)

 

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