20. Red Letter Day

Today, I read the last letter I wrote to myself about 4 months ago.  It is the second time I have done this, and I find it an invaluable means of bookmarking my life.

It also useful for measuring if anything has changed, got better or stayed the same.  But it is more importantly, a reminder from myself about a period of time I want to move on from.

I don't care how longIt might sound like a very simple, but writing an open and honest letter to yourself, is a difficult thing to do.  It is hard to put real words to emotions or feelings, that can sometimes be so alien to us, and delving into our inner psyche and soul is not something to take on lightly.  It forces you to acknowledge every aspect of your life, where you’ve been, your current situation, and where you hope to be; and is an opportunity to air it in a safe way.

You can discover so much about yourself and the reasons why you might behave a certain way or have a certain attitude.  So, if you really want to know yourself better, write it down, the good and the bad, then take a good look at it, and really think about it.  You will find answers, but you need to give yourself time, to absorb this new information.

Anyway, back to my letter, I read it this morning and I was quite overwhelmed by the contents.  I remember at the time, I was so in need of nurturing, love and care, I was also in a lot of pain and pretty much lost and alone.

In spite of that, it was a very positive letter, just talking about my future, when I will finally move on from the existence I’ve had and still have now.  It was about recognizing my acceptance of things that I can’t change, and the acknowledgement of the misery I had experienced, and the dreams I still have left.

It was powerful reading.  I was being kind to myself for once. I smiled, and then eventually cried, as I read.  It was a beautiful letter, penned by me, to me.

Only I know of the subtle changes that have taken place over recent months.  I alone, have noted the true power of my self-belief, and my determination to bring about change.What lies behind us

So today I have been reminded, and have been able to measure, that emotionally and psychologically, I have advanced forwards, by quite a distance.

But physically, I am still waiting to move on to my new life.  This is the one thing, for which I have absolutely no control.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7th December 2014)

Update:

Thankfully on 17th April 2015, I finally got what I so needed, I moved into my flat and began the process of getting my life back together again!  Sx ❤️

 

Give me one good reason

Give me one good reason

Why I shouldn’t have

Give up on you?

Turned my back, walked away

Started over anew?

Give me one good reason

Why I should still give my time

To listen as you share

Your woes and dreams

Even though you won’t hear

One word that I speak?

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve spent my time

Living in your shadow

Being unnoticed and

Blocked by your shade

Because you couldn’t let me shine?

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve stayed

When everything around

Told me to leave

Your silence may have quietly

Wanted me to remain

But it’s in your words and actions

That I truly believe?

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve believed in you

While you still have so little

Faith in yourself?

You’re driven by a fury

There’s no room for anything else

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve loved you

Laid myself out, bare on a plate?

You had your turn, you picked over me

Then pushed me to one side

You had my love once

And now it’s just too late

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Tues 26th February 2019)

Feeling blessed

I am thankful

For the small things in life

That make me happy

For every little thing

That makes me smile

I am even thankful

For the tears

That come to my eyes

Though they come

Not often

The power behind them

Is the same

It feels at last like things

Are going my way

I am thankful

My angels are guiding me

From up above

Still there, more than ever

Making me feel their love

When I was in a lost

And lonely place

They’re the reason

I kept this lovely smile

On my face

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Thursday 21st February 2019)

 

 

A long way from somewhere

Not sure quite where

I am heading

Or how long it

Was supposed to take

All I know is that

I’ve come a long way

And my soul still aches

 

I’m a long way from somewhere

A place, I’ve never been

Don’t know why I want to there

But it feels like where I belong

The road behind is dusty

My footprints laden by pain

Have all but gone

Swept up and away in a cloud

Never to be trodden again

 

I’m a long way from somewhere

Blinkers are off I can see the light

I sense the shadows of my joyless past

As they try to block my path

But like a true warrior I’m ready to fight

No more will they

Impede my stride

Or make my future look overcast

 

I’m a long way from somewhere

And I want to enjoy the ride

To not feel like a roller-coaster

So, I can relish the view

I want to see where I’m going

To not feel afraid

Make use of the solid foundation

My past has made

 

I’m a long way from somewhere

Not sure where I am

Of if from my path I have strayed

But wherever I am

I don’t want to look back

It is the right time

To be right here

And in spite of the hurdles

I’m still on track

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Wednesday 20th February 2019)

 

Threads of gold

There are times

When I sit alone

And I think of the life

I used to have

And the person

I used to be

Not the one

I have only recently

Just left behind

But what came before it

When I was still

Young and wild

With a head

Full of ambition

And so much drive

I wonder how

Or if

I have really changed at all

If I may be just

A bit tarnished

From the wear of time

And it’s bittersweet experience

That has left so many marks

Upon my skin

Having defaced

My body from within

Of trials and tribulations

I’ve had a few

That have marred my soul

Ripped me apart

Changed my point of view

And yet, here I still stand

Not entirely broken

Not exactly whole

But beat-up and bruised

With a patchwork of mending

Stitched by threads of gold

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Monday 18th February 2019)

 

 

 

Changing partners

Where is my perfect man?

We hunt

We chase

Making pairs

Is a never-ending craze!

We hide, we seek

We laugh, we weep

All in the name of love

Match making

Score taking

What kind of game

Is this that we play?

Engagement?

Marriage?

For me?

No way!

Filling my bed

Taking away my head

Wham! Bam!

Thank you Ma’am!

Yet another score!

Become a rated number?

No chance, not anymore!

You win some

You lose some

“Plenty more fish in the sea”

I’m done with fishing

They can try and catch me!

Monday, Tuesday

Every day it’s the same

It’s one hell of a joke

This mating game!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(26th January 1986)

I forgive you

I have searched my soul

So many times

Searching for the answers

To why you did me wrong

What did I really do

To bring this vengefulness on?

For quite some time

I took the blame

It made it easier

To hide your behaviour

Conceal your shame

I know

How you speak

Behind my back

You do it about others

To my face

Why would I expect you

To not treat me the same?

You showed your warmth

But all I felt was cold

Doesn’t matter

How you wrapped me

You couldn’t keep hold

You think you are

Better than me

When will you understand

That you are not?

It’s not about

Who’s got the upper-hand

Or whom it is

You to choose to compete

Just know that

I am happy

Standing alone

On my own two feet

Whatever you have said

Whatever you have done

I have already dealt with

Put in its place

And overcome

You are weak

And oh, so shallow

You cannot help

Being who you are

And doing what you do

And because of that

I forgive you

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 13th February 2019)

 

Returning to the crime scene

It is a wonderful thought

That I have many people

Of whom I have crossed paths

At some time in my life

Who seem to naturally

Keep gravitating back to me

It is a blessing

That I have somehow

Touched them in a way

Or left such a mark

That they are unable

To forget me

No matter how many

Days, months or years

Have passed since contact

For some reason

They find their way back

They all know

They did wrong by me

I did not deserve

What they gave

Maybe they’ve seen their light

Seek forgiveness

For the errors of their ways

Maybe they’re hoping

To still make things right

Even though

They already know

There’s not a hope in sight.

Whatever their reason

Once more to my door

It seems they are

Compelled to return

Whether to find balance

Or settle an old score

Maybe to check

If I am still nice

And as kind

I was with them before

I am glad

I have left a mark

Visible only to them

I’m glad if it burns

And brings about regret

That I come to mind

Jarring an odious recall

If I still make them

Think of me

Because once

I’d have given them anything

Anything at all.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 8th February 2019)

What sleeps inside you?

What is it that

Makes you smile?

That brings forth

The sun that shines inside?

What is it that

That soothes your mind

When all around

Are pushing you

To the grind?

Ignoring all your

Heartfelt cries?

What is it that

Make you weep?

Dredging up sadness

From so, so deep?

Baring wide secrets

You’d rather keep

What is it that

Makes you roar?

Breathe flames of fire

Ready to do war?

Because using words

Isn’t enough anymore

What is it that

That makes you love

Without question?

What is your true passion?

That drives you to

Do it now, not later

 

What is it that

That you need from me?

Do you need to know

What it is that I see?

I see you smile

Trying to hide your sadness

I see your tears

When you’re enslaved by madness

I know your secrets

That shield behind your roar

I have the desire

To help drive your passion

I have the right words

To calm and soothe

And enough love

For all of you

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 8th February 2019)

 

 

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