Let’s begin…

Let’s begin

The process of letting go

Of laying those ghosts to rest

Let’s begin

By leaving the heartache behind

And watch them fly

Let’s begin

By taking a big breath in

Knowing I can only do my best

Let’s begin

By wiping the slate clean

With tears already cried

Let’s begin

With a blank sheet of paper

To write a new life story…

But this time,

A happy one

Let’s just begin again

 Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thJanuary 2018)

3. Picking up the pieces

When my doctor signed me off from work for two weeks with depression, his words of advice were:

“Some people suffer differently, some will feel better after a couple of weeks, and for some it could take years”.

I remember thinking ‘it’s not going to take that long for me, I had things to do, I had a life to live, I had to work, I was going places…  How little I knew then, and here I am 9 years later, still depressed, still on pills, but somehow life is better.

Within the second week, I experienced another panic attack, though not as bad as the first, it was enough to frighten me.  Things that I would have been willing to do before, now scared me, and over the years I experienced many more attacks.  However, these seemed to be brought on by people and their actions, rather than any self-based anxiety.

Over the next few months, I took a long hard look at myself, and my life to date.  During my silent years, I began the healing process.  I was still very angry, very anxious and very fragile.  This close scrutiny helped me to understand that I hadn’t only been depressed from the date of diagnosis, but instead had been depressed for most of my life.  And the shadow of that thought engulfed me for quite a while.Don't quit

It was a real revelation, recognising that it had sprung from my childhood, continued into my adolescence, and then my adult life, up to now.  Rekindled painful reminders of the things that had happened or been said to me, things I had tucked away, resurfaced.

My little demons, that I had hugged so closely, and carried around for so long, had one by one again presented themselves, for me to face, to overcome or deal with.  It took me a while to understand, but then I realised that unless I addressed each and every one of them, they would never go away, and would always crop up again at any point in my life.

I had been so angry with my ex employers for the way they had treated me, they had overloaded me with work, and just expected me to cope; in spite of my real tears, and cries for help.  They had allowed me to work under extreme pressure, still producing the goods for them, being the honest spokesperson that I was.

Always listen to your heart...But what they had not expected was that I would fight back.  The lies they told, and the ignorance they hid behind to protect themselves, astounded me.  Each time they called me in for a “back to work” chat, was just another opportunity for them to have another go, and undermine my self-confidence.  They knew what they had done and it had been witnessed over and over by my colleagues.

And so though I felt physically weakened, my resolve grew stronger, I was not about to let them off the hook that easily. So after 12 months of this coming & going, I had my last meeting and walked away feeling a minor triumph.

That was indeed the last straw that finally broke my back.  But in all fairness, looking back I realised that all my previous employers were equally guilty.  As all of them had in one way or another, exploited my ambition, my skills, hardworking attitude, and had abused my good nature.

The trouble was, I always gave 110%, and they fed me with empty promises, which I Stop looking for the lightfoolishly kept on eating.

As I chipped away at myself, this anger was in turn also directed to people much closer to me, the one’s who should have noticed.  But that in itself, is another story…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(18thAugust 2011)

Note: Originally written for my previous blog “Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind”.  A blog I created as part of my healing process.  Sx 🙂

Why can’t you see that I’m still crying inside…?

Why can’t you see

That I’m still crying inside?

That this lovely face

Has learnt to hide

Life’s ‘cruel’ side?

Beneath this skin

I am a mess and a mass

Of shredded ribbons

Each tendril sending

Messages of pain

Signals that can’t be stopped

From reaching my brain

It is indeed a surprise

That one that once

Stood so tall should crumple

But it’s battered and bruised me

So black and blue

Anyone with this condition

Is sure to crumble

Each day I carry on

Be the best I can be

But one day this will

Get the better of me

 

Why can’t you see

That I’m crying inside?

To look beyond my smile

And see the unshed tears

Hiding just behind my eyes?

I am a tower of strength

But I was forced

To become that way

But my beautiful face

Full of charm and grace

Has learnt to tell a lie

Because you fail to see

That I’m still crying inside

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(1stmay 2018)

Fibromyalgia – fighting the unseen enemy!

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