I keep that beast inside

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To stand here and beat my chest

Whilst screaming out fury

From the pit of my lungs

I have been lied to and cheated

I have been let down

Believed to be defeated

I have been knocked back

Pushed this way and that

But still I got back up

I have been abandoned

I have been bruised

I have been insulted

I have been abused

And still all I want is truth

I have been stifled

I have been blinded

I have been stunted

I have been haunted

By so many ghosts of the past

I have been verbally savaged

My whole body has been

Tortured, literally ravished

By more than just

The hands of a man

I have been labelled

I have been tainted

I have been shunned no end

I have been betrayed

By those calling themselves

‘Family’ and ‘friends’

They didn’t know

I’d already figured it

To be the end

 

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To beat my chest in pain

But instead I stay silent

With the raging fury

Burning and boiling

From the inside out

But safely contained within

If I could write away this wrath

Then I surely would

But I fear that each word

That I dare to scrawl

Will burns holes upon the

Pages they are scribed

 

My contempt for feelings

I thought I had left behind

Like doubt, mistrust

And a sense of things

Not being right

Gave me all the reason

To rise up and fly

Words like envy and jealousy

Are the names of the

Ugly black birds that fly by

Up here I’m out of reach

No matter the anchors

That have been

Weighted and tied

Up here, I have no need

Of false-hearted words

I can see through

Many a disguise

 

I have every right to be angry

I have every right

To beat my chest and cry

Maybe it’s just as well

I keep that beast inside…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 9thDecember 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if I told you

What if I told you,

That every time I see you smile

You cause a mini whirlwind

To go spiralling through my mind?

What if I told you,

That the mere thought

Of you not being by my side

Is enough for me to crumble

And fall by the wayside?

What if I told you,

That with your every kiss

My world is turned

Upside down

Into a heavenly bliss?

What if I told you,

That your very touch

You’re every caress

Sends me into oblivion

And spins me into

A delicious mess?

What if I told you,

That I long to see you smile

That I yearn to have you by my side

That I crave your wonderous kiss

That I hanker for your touch

What if I told you,

I want to feel the whirlwind

Share with you my bliss

Be made into a beautiful mess

Just by the thought of you

And you’re oh so tender caress

What if I told you,

You awaken my inner Goddess

Who’s lain, eternally waiting

For an answer to her prayers?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 7th December 2018)

 

15. And so the story continues.

I hope, I haven’t made this whole thing about depression and healing myself sound as if it were easy.   It was far from it.  What a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that there no magic cure, it is not about “picking yourself up”, or “getting over it” or “popping pills” in your mouth.  There is so much more to it than that.

People with real depression only wish that they could do, just that.  But it’s not a choice that we have.  People who ask “What have you got to be depressed about?”, or  say things like “I’ve got a friend (etc), with the same problem and they did this”, or “You need to be getting out more and enjoying yourself”, etc, etc, etc.

The darkness i know so well
Know this feelilng well!

These people, who can voice such incredible words of thoughtlessness, and insensitivity, have absolutely no idea what they are saying to a depressed mind, or in fact to the person they are saying it to.

In my life, they were people who knew me, until I realised they knew nothing about me or my life.  They merely saw the material things I had gathered, the confidence I held in myself, the way I would always be the one to speak up, and who also always got the job done.  They didn’t bear or even consider the pressure I was under, or notice my gradual decline.  They didn’t see what was coming.  Neither did I.  But one day I was stopped.

1badf-when2bthe2bheart2bis2bcutNot by choice.  I had nothing to do with it.  My body had literally decided it couldn’t take anymore, it was burnt out, exhausted, and it was crying out for rest and quiet.

And for a while, in such a weakened state I had tried to defend myself against these people and their words.  But, no matter how many times I tried to explain, why this had happened to me, it fell on deaf ears.  And eventually I stopped trying to explain, and became almost silent.

All they wanted to do was find something else to blame it on:

  • Buying a new house
  • Building work that was going on,
  • Even my recent marriage.

Never did anyone, not even any of my family acknowledge, the stress they’d put me under, or the demands they made of me. And my employers seemed to think it was okay for me to do the job of 4 people, whilst studying and doing staff training on their behalf.  Never, did anyone think that they could be held even remotely responsible.

And that’s when I knew, that for my own sanity, I had to remove these people from my life.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  They were causing me more damage and more pain than I needed or could cope with, and they completely zapped my energy.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(First written 5thMarch 2012)

I began calling my depression, my own personal journey, because that is exactly what it is, both personal and a journey.  But I am fortunate enough to be able to voice what’s in my head, and record my own thoughts. I can’t always be poetic about my feelings, so at times what I write may come across as being very raw, but it is honest.

I guess that’s why I feel that depression is such a very solitary thing.

People think they understand and have all the answers, as though it were as simple as going to the gym, or getting your hair cut.  But unless they have experienced it themselves, they really have no inkling of what really goes on in our minds.

00177-10462841_673987222689399_3467623837117453863_nSome of us may be lucky to find things that gives us some release, with me it’s my creativity and writing, but it can be a battle in itself to start that process.  For others, they may remain completely trapped, unreachable almost, being lost in their own world, where they see or feel no joy.

Because of the nature of all the illnesses I suffer with I am still depressed, it would strange if I weren’t.  Nobody can put up with constant pain, fatigue and a host off other issues, with a smile permanently on their face!  And I know I will be on medication for the rest of my life, there is no getting away from that, and I accept that.  Just as I have come to accept many things…

But one thing I do know for sure is:

It takes an almighty person, with the right set of keys to unlock the darkness inside someone’s mind and release the light.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Updated Wednesday 5thDecember 2018)

 

Baby it’s cold outside!

Look at us

Just look at you and me

You’re the ‘lady’

And I’m ‘bold and brassy’

We’re not the same

As we used to be

Too many things

Have taken our

Innocent purity

You needed me

To show you someone cared

And I needed you

Because I needed

Someone to care for

Oh baby,

We’ve come a long way

Though we haven’t

Counted the years

After the first

But my dear

However else we change

Let’s not forget our youth

Or our simple

Unbending truth

I’ll always be your sister

As you shall be mine

I hope our friendship lasts

Forever and a day

In other words

An eternity of time

Trust is hard to come by

If we’re not of the same blood

But the least we have done

Is lighten each other’s load

Sister, I know

We will be

Where we want to be

And to each other

We shall be true

But please my dear

Don’t stop needing me

‘Cos I won’t stop

Needing you.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rd November 1985)

(First published January 2018)

I broke your spell.

Last night I broke your spell

And so now

I wish you luck in Hell

Because you’ll need it

Next time we meet

Last night I broke the chains

Of all that you had

Keeping hold of me

Last night,

I made a choice

To give up

So, I set myself free

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27thJune 1993)

Like gold

Just like the shiny bands

You like to wear

On your hands

I represent something precious

Something to behold

Though you may not

See my worth as much

To many I am priceless

A rare commodity

Something to possess

I may not always

Shine as bright

Or be jewelled with

Diamonds or gems

That sparkle in the light

But my inner beauty

Is indeed a true sight

Just like gold

I am solid, I am real

I am meant to last

Until you forge me

Into hot liquid

That will run

Though your grasp

So just like the bands

That adorn your hands

I am pure gold

Remember that.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 30thNovember 2018)

 

Three’s a crowd

The time has come

For me to be strong again

To summon up all my resources

In front of me

For too long

I have had trust in the wrong people

Those who would use my faith in them

Against me for their own gain

I have believed in these people

For the goodness I thought I had seen

But I was able to see their heart

Before it was too late

Before it was obscured

By false sincerity

I had believed what I heard

When they called me ‘friend’

I left a part of me wide open

So, they would always feel welcome

To share my heart

To share what was mine

 

I had not noticed

How my friends’ twin mate

Motivated by greed

Was getting greedier still

That he did not like

Our womanly liaisons

When we would make sense

Of all around us

De-mystifying any motives

He wanted the confusion

Of when we did not speak

He wanted to make me weak

He wanted to leave me in darkness

Surround me in his ignorance

With his army of gullible souls

He under-estimated the forces

I have of my own

He pooh-poohed the existence

Of my previous life

As if I were still foolish

As if my life had only just begun

The war is far from over

Yet no blood has been shed

It is a battle of wits

Of things that can be said

And so, I need summon my resources

For the fight that lies ahead

Because I know

I am on my own

And she is my friend

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rdFebruary 1993)

 

Letter Home

Dear Mum and Dad

How are things at home?

My days up here

Are quiet now

I have found the peace

I yearned

I grow and learn

More each day

I feel better

For doing things this way

I walked away before

Just to turn and walk back

I thought I’d run away

But I hadn’t

In actual fact.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27th April 1986)

 

Yes, there is a man again…

Yes there is a man again

Funny how these pages

Always seem to know

And stranger still

I know not what

He really does for me

He is gentle

And oh so tender

He is soft

And he is kind

And somehow he provokes

Something in my mind

He comes and he goes

And always touches

Something in my soul

He seems so close

Yet somehow far

Maybe he possesses

A tiny piece of my heart…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thFebruary 1991)

A trip down Memory Lane

The promises that they made

Then suddenly, it’s all too late

They grew up

They grew apart

And when they said goodbye

They held the other dear

Inside their heart

Though tender in years

When they first met

It was the start of something

Neither would forget

The years rolled by

In swoops and swirls

Transforming – as they turned

Women from little girls

The years they tumbled on

And still they grew

Posting their thoughts

Across many storming sea

Mind keeping mind, company

Because together

They could not be

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(8thJanuary 1993)

Gypsy on the move

Here, at the end

Of another road

Again reminded

Of what I call home

There is no great sadness

Or indeed glee

But there is a feeling

That I know I must leave

So this is it

Another empty room

A life packed in a dozen boxes

Ready to move on

The life seems fuller now

Containing more and more

Just as I have grown

Blinded in darkness

Until it’s enclosures have burst

Letting it’s colour be born again

Into a new kind of light

But something always

Is familiar still

The searching need

To resolve

To belong

To stay

To settle

To feel at home

A final resting place

That my worldly goods

Seek as I much as I

Would dry the well of tears

And fill the hollow pit

That cries out from inside

There is no great sadness

I knew it was sure to come

To leave a place

Where at least my light had shone

Breathed life

For the other to feel the glow

But now it’s time to move on

I know there is a new horizon

That I, me and all my

Worldly goods do surely belong

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rdJanuary 1993)

Another empty hole

Still the tears rise and swell

Within my soul

To fill a bottomless pit

Another empty hole

Inside I feel the need

To explode and still I fight it

Control it, contain it, but why?

How else are they to see

What it is that unsettles me?

I would cry me a river

But it would have

Nowhere to flow

I would run away

But to where would I go?

I need to find my home

Here is not where I belong

I am not inspired

To sing my own song

I live packed away

In someone’s closet

I live by another persons’ rule

I feel stifled and misunderstood

After all these years

I am still a stranger

When really they should

Know me so well

But they don’t know me at all

So still the tears rise and swell

Within my soul

To fill a bottomless pit

Another empty hole

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27thDecember 1993)

Oh Adelaide!

She laughed and sang

And danced and played

Oh my sweet Adelaide, how

She picked daisies

To make a long chain

Each a memory

Of those old forgotten pains

 

She looked so pretty

Among the flowers and the grass

In her white summer frock

And her new straw hat

She dreamt as the trees swayed

The child in her smiled

At the chain she had made

 

She looked upon her lap

At the petals She had plucked

‘Maybe next time’ she thought

And gave a gentle sigh

Then crossed her fingers

And looked to the sky

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(15thMarch 1986)

The sleeper

Someone turned a

Light on in me

Someone opened the door

Now the darkness has gone

If only for a moment

I don’t know what to do

With a portal in full view

Should I just walk through?

Sharon Carter-Wray

(21st May 2009)

 

Secret journeys

I have found once more

The inner child of my soul

That I had believed was lost

So many moons ago

I look upon my mirror

And I see the reflection of my youth

Surrounded by the halo

Of her inner spirit

Where did she really go?

Did she ever leave at all?

Was I really so different then,

Was she?

The halo, I still grasp within

Thought faded might be the glow

That like my dreams

I will never let go

Still I travel upon

The complex network of life itself

Willing me to reach for more

Just like the woman/child

That I still hold inside

 

And now,

Sits the woman she became

Still so many miles away

Upon her secret journeys

Drifting from one destiny to another

Still hoping to find the right one

Holding on to her dreams

As if they were made of glass

No tenderness too great

To save them slipping from her grasp

And what of the dreams

She so blindly carried

Do they still bear the same values

As before?

Or did they like her

Also grow?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(26thDecember 1992)

Deep cuts

It would have been foolish of me

To ever believe that I would never

Feel this way again

My smile has crumbled

Into a quiet depression

And I wonder when I’ll be a

At peace with myself again

A few thoughtless words

Meant to show appreciation

Warped themselves to me

As ingratitude

And I was wounded

So deeply

I could not speak

Could not release

My share of poison

So instead

The anger will save itself

For some other time

 

Oh what a lot of anger

To bear inside…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(1stNovember 1992)

How many ways do I love you?

How many ways do I love you?

You make me smile

You make me cry

You hurt me

And then you apologise.

 

Just how many ways do I love you?

I crave your touch

I crave your smell

Sometimes I long to reach out

Just to stroke your skin.

 

Just how many ways do I love you?

That sometimes it is only

Your voice I need to hear

Even though it might be

The wrong thing that you say

 

Just how many ways do I love you?

You sadden me

Then you make my heart rise,

But only when

You see the pain in my eyes.

 

Just how many ways can I love you,

Before you realise?

 

Sharon carter-Wray

(24th December 2003)

Free me

I’ve tried so very hard

To please,

To do the right thing

But was it right for me?

I stared in the face of something ugly

But was too scared to turn away

So I kept on looking

Still trying to do the right thing

I tried to run, to walk away

But my life feels likes it been

Trussed up and entangled

I wanted so much

To scream out, run wild

But I was too afraid to hurt

Another’s persons’ feelings

Another persons’ pride

But why, when they spared no

Thought for mine?

I couldn’t pretend

That I could be brave

That I didn’t still feel

The hurt and the pain

It could have been just yesterday

And there it was being taunted

In my face

I know I am not over it

I still cared

The friends I thought I had

Have disappeared on the wayside

Now allies with my foes

It didn’t happen to them

It wasn’t their pain

So how could they know?

Why should they understand

Something so insidious?

So underhand?

I know I need to rise above it

I need to still grow

To rid myself of bad things

But the one that holds the key

Still has a hold of me

I know the time will come

But not how soon

The big confrontation

That lays ahead of my life

Will give me the answers

To all my questions why

And I need to know

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(22nd February 1993)

You walked away

Do you have any idea

Just how much you hurt me?

Each time you forget

To just think of me

I feel so gutted

So empty inside

And it was so easy to do

I left myself open wide

I am so helpless, and so weak

I can cope with the absence

But not when we don’t speak

 

You’re hurting me

More than I can describe

But only because

I believed in you

And the depth of your love

But even though

You say you still care

You still turned your back

And walked away

 

I’m blindly chasing

All those pieces again

I don’t know why

I’m holding out for you

For any other by now

I would have left

Standing alone

Still smarting from the sound

Of my painful truth

 

But a part of still believes in you

Even though you so callously

Let me down

We both have just as much to lose

But you are breaking my heart

With disappointment and frustration

All rolled into one

And I don’t know

If I could ever forgive you

For what you have done

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(3rdApril 1993)

Why do I crave you, still?

I’ve fallen

In love and out again

Since I last saw you

And still you have always

Been in the back of my mind

Stirring up emotions

All

Over

Again

I know I should have

Taken the chance

When we had no choice

But didn’t we have too much to lose

Even then?

And now you keep your distance

And I crave you still

Each time I think on you

The craving gets stronger

And still you keep me

Waiting even longer

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(9thMay 1993)

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