A different mind set

Don’t know why, but for the first time in years, I didn’t end a year with frantically scribbling down words that spoke of disappointment and unhappiness; and crap that needed to be left behind.

Instead, somehow, I approached the end of year feeling quite calm, and at peace with myself.  Though the panic may have been in place to write, somehow, I managed to assure myself that this time round, it wasn’t necessary.

I know from reading through old written work, that I am no longer in the same place I was.  I have moved forward in so many ways in my life, that painful words from the past no longer hurt me.  It is an astounding feeling to be relieved of so much angst, that had collected and resided within.

I feel free of so many things that had stifled, stunted and restrained me.  I simple chose and still choose to turn my back and walk away, leave all the unnecessary drama far behind.

Better to lead a quiet existence, than to be down-trodden by people who do not value or think nothing of me.  But the truth is, I felt I needed to be a part of something, even though I knew it was never a good fit, I never truly felt I belonged, and I was never made to feel that way.

But for a while, when I was only taking my first steps to rebuild my life, it seemed they were a necessity, but I was quickly proved wrong; and that story never really changed.  I no longer look for recognition or validation, from people who should be give it freely, I just don’t need it anymore.  I am being nurtured and encouraged in other ways, by people all around the world.

I have continued to be open to new things, to be optimistic, to further empower the faith I have in myself, through the words I write and the many beautiful things I create.  And I intend to keep spreading my word as far as the world lets me.

That is something that no one can take from me, that is where my true beauty lies…

I have never felt like I had this power before.  It has put me a good place, and in spite of anticipating there are still possible battles ahead, I remain focussed and forthright.

I have not started the year by making endless promises to myself, instead it is the same mantra that I continually repeat:

I shall be true to myself, and no matter what happens, I have dealt with far worse in my life already!

That feels like a pretty good starting point for me.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Saturday 5th January 2019)

 

I broke your spell.

Last night I broke your spell

And so now

I wish you luck in Hell

Because you’ll need it

Next time we meet

Last night I broke the chains

Of all that you had

Keeping hold of me

Last night,

I made a choice

To give up

So, I set myself free

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27thJune 1993)

Like gold

Just like the shiny bands

You like to wear

On your hands

I represent something precious

Something to behold

Though you may not

See my worth as much

To many I am priceless

A rare commodity

Something to possess

I may not always

Shine as bright

Or be jewelled with

Diamonds or gems

That sparkle in the light

But my inner beauty

Is indeed a true sight

Just like gold

I am solid, I am real

I am meant to last

Until you forge me

Into hot liquid

That will run

Though your grasp

So just like the bands

That adorn your hands

I am pure gold

Remember that.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Friday 30thNovember 2018)

 

Three’s a crowd

The time has come

For me to be strong again

To summon up all my resources

In front of me

For too long

I have had trust in the wrong people

Those who would use my faith in them

Against me for their own gain

I have believed in these people

For the goodness I thought I had seen

But I was able to see their heart

Before it was too late

Before it was obscured

By false sincerity

I had believed what I heard

When they called me ‘friend’

I left a part of me wide open

So, they would always feel welcome

To share my heart

To share what was mine

 

I had not noticed

How my friends’ twin mate

Motivated by greed

Was getting greedier still

That he did not like

Our womanly liaisons

When we would make sense

Of all around us

De-mystifying any motives

He wanted the confusion

Of when we did not speak

He wanted to make me weak

He wanted to leave me in darkness

Surround me in his ignorance

With his army of gullible souls

He under-estimated the forces

I have of my own

He pooh-poohed the existence

Of my previous life

As if I were still foolish

As if my life had only just begun

The war is far from over

Yet no blood has been shed

It is a battle of wits

Of things that can be said

And so, I need summon my resources

For the fight that lies ahead

Because I know

I am on my own

And she is my friend

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rdFebruary 1993)

 

Letter Home

Dear Mum and Dad

How are things at home?

My days up here

Are quiet now

I have found the peace

I yearned

I grow and learn

More each day

I feel better

For doing things this way

I walked away before

Just to turn and walk back

I thought I’d run away

But I hadn’t

In actual fact.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27th April 1986)

 

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