Don’t know why, but for the first time in years, I didn’t end a year with frantically scribbling down words that spoke of disappointment and unhappiness; and crap that needed to be left behind.
Instead, somehow, I approached the end of year feeling quite calm, and at peace with myself. Though the panic may have been in place to write, somehow, I managed to assure myself that this time round, it wasn’t necessary.
I know from reading through old written work, that I am no longer in the same place I was. I have moved forward in so many ways in my life, that painful words from the past no longer hurt me. It is an astounding feeling to be relieved of so much angst, that had collected and resided within.
I feel free of so many things that had stifled, stunted and restrained me. I simple chose and still choose to turn my back and walk away, leave all the unnecessary drama far behind.
Better to lead a quiet existence, than to be down-trodden by people who do not value or think nothing of me. But the truth is, I felt I needed to be a part of something, even though I knew it was never a good fit, I never truly felt I belonged, and I was never made to feel that way.
But for a while, when I was only taking my first steps to rebuild my life, it seemed they were a necessity, but I was quickly proved wrong; and that story never really changed. I no longer look for recognition or validation, from people who should be give it freely, I just don’t need it anymore. I am being nurtured and encouraged in other ways, by people all around the world.
I have continued to be open to new things, to be optimistic, to further empower the faith I have in myself, through the words I write and the many beautiful things I create. And I intend to keep spreading my word as far as the world lets me.
That is something that no one can take from me, that is where my true beauty lies…
I have never felt like I had this power before. It has put me a good place, and in spite of anticipating there are still possible battles ahead, I remain focussed and forthright.
I have not started the year by making endless promises to myself, instead it is the same mantra that I continually repeat:
I shall be true to myself, and no matter what happens, I have dealt with far worse in my life already!
That feels like a pretty good starting point for me.
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Saturday 5th January 2019)
