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I cannot take any more heartbreak
I’m worn down to my soul
I cannot afford to lose
Any more parts of me
Because I no longer feel whole
There is an emptiness that devours me
As pieces fall away,
Destined to be somewhere else
Other than at my side
Casualties of words, repeated like lies
To eager ears, that only want demise
I can take no more heartache
I’ve been crushed to the bone
Beginning to feel like
I’m meant to be alone
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Weds 9th October 2019)
So, the curtain is finally falling on my 18 and half year relationship, with my ex-husband. Never have I ever thought, that this is how things would turn out.
All the years of frustration and bottled up feelings and emotions, are coming to an end. The life that I’ve had to date, is definitely in the past, it is my old history, and I shall neatly pack it away, hoping to never see signs of it again. The life, that I plan to have, will have no room for negativity or disrespect, instead I aim to fill it with anything that makes me happy.
There is no place in my life, or in my heart for ex-husband. I refuse to carry this chapter of my life around like excess baggage, the weight of which would surely see me on my knees. He has made suggestions that he would like to maintain some contact, but I just don’t have the strength anymore. Why would I want to continue seeing someone, who has caused me so much pain and anguish?
Maybe he thinks that I may still have some need of him in my life, that I won’t cope being on my own. But, somehow I figure he’s going to be needing me, he’s hoping that in some way or other, I will leave doors open for him, to come and go as he pleases. That I will still be there loyal, kind and generous, still willing to help him out, as I have always done. But I can’t, there is nothing left.
I am not that woman anymore. I have nothing left for him. Whatever I had left, has been soaked up and washed away.
I am not sure how I do actually ‘feel’ about my ex, I have no more tears left for him, they were cried out a long time ago. I know I don’t care or worry for him in anyway. I know I still bear a lot of anger toward him, yet I have detached myself so much, that he may as well be a stranger. Any kind thoughts for him have long gone and I grimace at the mention of his name. I don’t even want to have any conversations with him or about him, unless it’s absolutely necessary.
I certainly don’t want others to keep him alive in my life either, by asking if I’ve heard from him, or telling me they’ve seen/spoken to him. After all, he is pursuing his new life. So leave him be.
I just have nothing left for him. Sx
Sharon Carter-Wray
(21/05/2015)
Reading this again, has made me feel a real sense of sadness. Not for what happened or how things ended with my ex, but more because I can still feel the heartache of the disappointment, and the pain I was in at that time.
Next week, will mark the 5th anniversary of starting my life over, and I have never once looked back with any emotionally pangs or feeling of regret. I know it was the right thing for me to do, but the bare bones of it is, is that if I hadn’t, I really have no idea where I would be right now.
I have a very strong belief that eventually he would have truly broken me.
I would probably have been in dire straits, with nothing to show for all my hard work and achievements. I would have had no roof over my head, that would have surely been repossessed by now. Even though I had spent 20 years of hard graft building up something to fall back on, it would have all disappeared. And he would still have continued to feed on me, until he bled me completely dry.
Sadly, at that time no one really knew how bad I was, I had continued to wear the same face throughout; pulled my sleeves up as usual and got on with it. I had no choice, because the fight to survive was going on internally.
Thankfully, that is all behind me now.
Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t just see my face anymore, I see what a remarkable woman I really am and have become. Sx
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I, am not an easy person to forget
Though my presence may be gone
Memories of me definitely live on.
So many times I have been revisited
By many who have walked away
Only to somehow find their way
Back to me again
I seldom cut ties
I let the strings grow long
Unfinished business
Or for things left undone
They have been touched by me
So, they have to come
Words spoken or not, how I made them feel
They all have a tiny part of them
That only I can heal…
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Tues 22nd Oct 2019)
I stand here
Feeling like I’m on the verge
Of something amazing
As though something
I have wanted to come about
Is literally, just around the corner
But what I don’t know
Is what it is
For a while I visited an old dark place
That was oh so familiar in my mind
That like the true friend
When all else have gone
Remains to stay behind
But it was merely a visit
No longer a place I wished to
Dwell in or hide
It was just the memory of
The woman I left behind
Though many parts of her had slowly died
There are just as many that still thrive
Much as I was broken then
I had just enough glue
To put me back together again
Still beautiful and sparkling
But not so new
I know I’ve grown, there’s no doubt in that
But how I have done so,
Is what most will never understand
I have grown fresh wings, that are ready to fly
To new adventures and the far-off horizons
That are way, way up high
I’ve called in no favours or asked for help
I’ve had no one to lean on and have cried no tears
I have walked alone on my journey
That has lasted for so many years
On my hands and knees, I made it through
Getting hurt plenty along the way
But knowing, it was something
I just had I do
I have worked hard, to get my smile back
I have left no stone unturned
While searching for the lessons
Life had told me I still had to learn
I’m still broken
But in a much different kind of way
And though I’m good at ‘mending’ others
With the simple truths I say
All too often in my mind
My life has been in ‘pause’,
‘Rewind’, ‘action replay’
I must kerb my kindness, stop looking back
I must stop expecting to hear the word ‘thanks’
To be praised, acknowledged
Or receive that pat on the back
My soul has run on empty
For far too long
My heart is bursting with love to give
But no longer will I won’t waste it
On someone who is wrong…
Sharon Carter-Wray
Mon 6th April 2020
I have finally learnt to see
The true beauty
That lies within me
That as a child
I was never told
Or encouraged to see
I grew up in a place
Where there were few
Other faces that looked
The same colour as mine
That’s what made me
And my kin
So easy to identify
That’s the only thing
That separated ‘my kind’
At school
I was still alone
The only black face
Amongst my peers
I soon understood
Facing my enemies
Showed I had no fear
I learned
What I was taught
Science, English
Religion and Chemistry
But none of these
Sang praises
For people just like me
No teachers spoke
Of my history
Except from the days
Of capture and slavery
So how was I to learn
Of my ancestry?
To take it from ‘Roots’?
The enslaved ‘Kunta Kinte’?
From ‘Love thy neighbour’
And other racist tv?
For a black person
It was all negativity
Maybe
That’s why I stopped
Seeing my colour
And just saw
The person instead
Because that to me
Was far more important
In my head
If they were going to
Make a point
Of how they see me
Let it be for reasons
Other than the colour
Of my skin
For instance…
The way I dress
Or the entrance I make
For the way I speak
Or the company I keep
Because no matter
What my hue
There is white blood
Mixed in there too
So, my life may have gone
In different directions
Due to my folks
Wanting much more
And using their discretion
When choosing a
Suitable living location
They made the most
Of what they had
To give us opportunities
But it also meant
We didn’t get to feel
How bad being black
At that time
Could really be
And now I’ve grown
Into the person I be
Only just opening my eyes
To my real identity
I never gave credit
To the ‘black’ side of me
But, it is not just
The colour of my skin
It’s the blood and
It’s history of pain
That flows deep red
Through my veins
That gives me strength
And the power
To stand and be tall
That makes me bold
And wants to be heard
To speak my mind
And to write my words
It is an inherent part of me
Because I know deep down
That all ‘black’ women
Can still be Nubian Queens
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Weds 20th November 2019)
I am so tired of being let down
I am so tired of other peoples’ stupid drama
After all that I have recently been through
What has been making me happy
Has now saddened my mood.
What lifted me up, has dropped me down
Without a hint
And without a sound
I’ve always questioned, if I give too much
But I know I am wrong to ask
It is in my nature to be kind and true
I cannot curb what comes so easily
Or pretend to be anything
Other than just me
I know I will get over this spell
Disappointment will wash away
My confidence will be rebuilt with an extra shield
My heart will be lifted again
And my smile, with reinstate itself
It is just another temporary glitch
Just like the person who caused it
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Sunday 7th October 2018)
Today, I think I can safely say we have sold our house; our buyers have already booked to have their survey carried out in a couple of days time.
I am still not sure how I feel about it. I know that I am excited, but somehow I am holding back on my jubilation, just in case it all goes ‘tits up’ again. But, I should feel reassured, as they are putting their money where their mouth is; but until all that is done I am finding it hard to really express my joy.
It is really the best news I could have hoped for, I have been quietly praying for this for some time now.
It means that at last, I can finally move on and start my new life, which I have been desperate to start for well over a year.
It means that I can finally start to breathe again, knowing that peace will once again reside in my tortured soul.
It means that I can finally start to formulate plans on where I am going with my life. I am looking forward to building my new nest, I have been out window shopping so many times and seen so many lovely things, but have kept my hands deeply inside my pockets.
It means, that at last; I can start a new history, leaving this unhappy one behind.
It means, that at last; I will have a space to call mine again, that I can fill with all things pretty.
It means, that at last; I will no longer have to look daily at a face, that has borne me such pain.
It means that at last; I can live a life without someone else’s baggage, constantly dragging me down.
It means at last; I will be free to spread my wings and fly.
It means at last; I can be me again.
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Tues 20th January 2015)
I remember so well, how I was feeling when I wrote this. I was literally at the end of my tether; almost at breaking point. There had been enough false hope, and my ex was playing a dangerous game, because he knew that once the house was sold; he was really going to be on his own once again, after over 18 years of being together.
But, I had lost all trust in him, and knew in my heart that if we didn’t sell, there would be a very good possibility of losing our home entirely. He was so vindictive and callous, I believe in a way he would have been happy if that had happened, as it would mean he had taken everything from me. And that is not something I was prepared to do, because he had already cost me a lot.
On April 15th 2015, I moved into my new flat. It wasn’t in the best condition, but I knew I could turn it into my new home. I still don’t know how I managed to do it, it was a really difficult part of my journey, because I was so ill, weak and exhausted. But within a few weeks this flat was transformed. I didn’t have to buy much, because I’d paid for everything at the house, so it was all mine anyway. However, I let him go with the bare essentials of furniture that he needed to get going. And of course, a sum of money from the sale, for which he really was not entitled to, but it meant that we could be over and done with quickly.
To me, it was a small price to pay for my sanity and my health. Before I met him, I was debt free, then for 18 years I was burdened by his financial carelessness. Thankfully, I am back in that position now, and there are neither red letters through my letter box, nor wolves sniffing around my door.
But, I can now say that I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am, where my life is at right now and where it’s going. My health is still an on-going concern, but at least I don’t have all the stress to deal with, which was making me so much worse.
I have said for a long time, that there is nothing I want or need, that money can buy, and I stand that by whole-heartedly. Sx ❤️
There is a man I see
That has been brought to his knees
I have watched
His steady decline
Over a long period of time
When I first saw him
He was at the start
Of ‘Homeless Street’
What brought him there
I do not know
But the progress he’s made
Has been long and slow
At the beginning
He still had his self-respect
But now
He has nothing left
He’s given in, he’s given up
He has no standards to keep
Because the taste of alcohol
Is way too sweet
It’s takes the edge off
All the misery and pain
And maybe in a bottle
He’ll find himself once again
But for the moment
He has let go of a life
He used to know
He doesn’t care for
Other peoples’ thinking anymore
Why should he?
When they don’t care
If he’s just got a box
To use as a blanket
Whilst sleeping out in the cold
How much longer he’ll survive
Is any ones’ guess
But I can’t see him
Ever growing old.
Sharon Carter-Wray
(Thurs 22nd Nov 2019)
Note: This poem is based on an actual person, whom I have witnessed go through this process, and it has been very sad to watch. But, it is also a reminder that there is a lot of us who walk on a very thin line, literally just surviving from month to month. And this could so easily happen to anyone of us. Sx ❤️
