Why do I feel this way?

I have been taken back

To a time and place

That I would rather

Not remember

Or have a place for

In my broken heart

I’ve been made to feel a feeling

That I never wanted

To experience or

To acknowledge again

Once in my lifetime was enough

In fact it was

Once too much

I have been reminded

Of my value

In someone else’s eyes

Whilst knowing that

I am worth so much more

If only they could see

What they’re missing

That’s not so deep within me

Why do I feel this way?

May be because I have

Gone against my better judgement

May be, because I needed

To know for sure

But one thing is certain

I can return to that place

No more.

Sharon carter-Wray

(12th November 2017)

 

 

Straight from the heart: 20. Red Letter Day

Straight from the heart: 20. Red Letter Day

Today, I read the last letter I wrote to myself about 4 months ago.  It is the second time I have done this, and I find it an invaluable means of bookmarking my life.

It also useful for measuring if anything has changed, got better or stayed the same.  But it is more importantly, a reminder from myself about a period of time I want to move on from.

I don't care how longIt might sound like a very simple, but writing an open and honest letter to yourself, is a difficult thing to do.  It is hard to put real words to emotions or feelings, that can sometimes be so alien to us, and delving into our inner psyche and soul is not something to take on lightly.  It forces you to acknowledge every aspect of your life, where you’ve been, your current situation, and where you hope to be; and is an opportunity to air it in a safe way.

You can discover so much about yourself and the reasons why you might behave a certain way or have a certain attitude.  So, if you really want to know yourself better, write it down, the good and the bad, then take a good look at it, and really think about it.  You will find answers, but you need to give yourself time, to absorb this new information.

Anyway, back to my letter, I read it this morning and I was quite overwhelmed by the contents.  I remember at the time, I was so in need of nurturing, love and care, I was also in a lot of pain and pretty much lost and alone.

In spite of that, it was a very positive letter, just talking about my future, when I will finally move on from the existence I’ve had and still have now.  It was about recognizing my acceptance of things that I can’t change, and the acknowledgement of the misery I had experienced, and the dreams I still have left.

It was powerful reading.  I was being kind to myself for once. I smiled, and then eventually cried, as I read.  It was a beautiful letter, penned by me, to me.

Only I know of the subtle changes that have taken place over recent months.  I alone, have noted the true power of my self-belief, and my determination to bring about change.What lies behind us

So today I have been reminded, and have been able to measure, that emotionally and psychologically, I have advanced forwards, by quite a distance.

But physically, I am still waiting to move on to my new life.  This is the one thing, for which I have absolutely no control.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7th December 2014)

Update:

Thankfully on 17th April 2015, I finally got what I so needed, I moved into my flat and began the process of getting my life back together again!  Sx ❤️

 

I wish I could call you mine

There will be no more sad days

To make me feel blue

As long as I can think of you

I long to feel your warm embrace

And reach out

To touch your face

I wish I could call you mine

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(10thJune 1986)

Come show yourself

I peeked around few corners

In hope of just a glance

It seems there is nothing more

To add to this short romance

My dream carried on

Way into the morning

I closed my eyes and wished

While gently yawning

I awoke with love on my mind

Until the usual song

Shattered the whole illusion

It had all seemed so real

But the pieces fell one by one

Breaking into a million parts

On impact

So there I was

Left with only pictures

Of a scene

Not quite making contact

I flung myself

Back in to work

Quite whole-hearted

But I didn’t finish

Quite as I had started

I drifted away

Back into my dream

And tried to plot

A devilish scheme

Whether it will work

I do not know

But somehow

I’ll make his true intentions show.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(13thJune 1986)

6. And so the story continues.

I hope I haven’t made this whole thing about depression and healing myself, sound as if it were so easy.   Far from it.  What a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that there no magic cure, it is not about “picking yourself up”, or just “getting over it”.

10343534_750725918303441_1962090757916454038_n

People with real depression only wish that they could do just that, but it’s not a choice that we have.  People, who ask:

“What have you got to be depressed about?”, or “I’ve got a “friend” with the same problem and they did this”, or “You need to be getting out more and enjoying yourself”. And so on and so on.  Etcetera, etcetera…

These people, who can voice such incredible words of thoughtlessness, and insensitivity, have absolutely no fucking idea what they are saying to a depressed mind, or in fact to the person suffering.Contollers and abusers

In my life, they were people who knew me, until I realised they knew nothing about me.  And they knew even less about my life.

 

 

 

They merely saw the material things I had gathered all the chattels that should make me happy.

They saw the confidence I held in myself, the way I would always be the one to speak up, and who also always got the job done.

They didn’t see the pain I was in, or bear the pressure I was under, or notice my gradual decline. They didn’t know what was coming and neither did I.

But then one day it all stopped. 

Everything ceased to function. 

Everything shut down.

Not by my choice.  I had nothing to do with it.  My body decided it simply couldn’t take anymore, it was burnt out, exhausted, it needed to rest and be quiet.  And for a while, in such a weakened state I had tried to defend myself against these people and their words.

But, no matter how many times I tried to explain, why this had happened to me, it fell on deaf ears.

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All they wanted was to find something else to blame it on; buying an new house, building work that was going on, my evening studies and my recent marriage.  Never, did anyone think that they personally, could be even remotely responsible.

That’s when I realised, that I had to emotionally remove these people from my life.  They caused me more damage and more pain than I needed or could cope with, and they used up all of what little energy I still had.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(5thMarch 2012)

 

Who am I?  Who are you?

In a world

Where technology prevails

How little we know about each other

In a time

In which we know about everything

How little we know

Of our individual purpose in life

How little we understand the meaning

Of our every movement and gesture

How shallow –minded we are,

If we are not prepared to dig

And find out, what we really are

And what makes us what we are

Instead of accepting things at face value

And building superficial characters

Surely we should make an effort

And learn to love each other

Not just one person

But millions of others

Who we can also appreciate

So we can all share

Other pains, joys and sorrows

And we can share our riches

And our poverty

But instead we are selfish

With our emotions and our wealth

And only a chosen few

Will benefit from our lives

And our memories die with our bodies

No one shall know

What we really wanted to say and do

We are all so undervalued

So underestimated

So under loved

So under everything

But yet we satisfied

And do not ask

Or hope for more.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(May 1978)

Note: I can’t believe that I actually wrote this, aged 13 some 40 years ago, and sadly it is still so true of our world today…  Sx 🙂

The wonder years

Whatever happened

To the wonder years?

Of innocence?

Of young love?

Of things to cherish?

They slowly slipped away

Before my very eyes

I relished each new dream

As an old one died

There had been

So much to learn

In those tender years

Little did I know then

That they would be

So much more

Childhood friends

Young shy and secret love

And the loss of value

From my innocence

When suddenly

It was taken from me

What happened

To those wonder years?

Those I still treasured

From my yesterdays

Once the product

Of many pointless tears

Though the time has gone

The memory will still remain

Because it is the shadow

Of who I used to be

And want to be again

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(26thJune 1991)

I think I’m drowning

Reach out and touch me

Take me by the hand

Save me from drowning

And bring me safely back to land

It is shallow waters

Yet they seem so deep

It always seems that way, but

I could have saved myself

If only I had stood up

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thDecember 1985)

Life is simple…

I hear so many people say

That life is so hard

Or life is so complicated

But it’s not true

Life is simple

In truth life is

Breathing in and out

Eating food to nurture us

And drinking water to sustain us

It’s what we choose to

Attain for our selves

It’s the materialistic gains

That we feel we must have

It’s how we choose

To see our neighbour

That’s what complicates life

That what’s makes it difficult…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(9thJune 2018)

Seasons – moving on

AutumnAutumn slowly changes

Silent, shifting phases

Content among things that are now dead

Kicking once green leaves

And watching freedom in the skies

No troubles are near

Trees are bare

Just like my empty mind

My insides are hollow

Something is definitely missing

 

Winter brings desperationsWinter

the feeling of utter loneliness

All around me is cold

Warmth is absorbed in the wind

Time is creeping near

Decisions to make

Pressure is rising

Reasons to regret

Ideas to forget

Nothing is easy now

 

Spring there is happiness in the air Spring

But not within my soul

New life appears

New hopes perhaps

Wanting and needing

Crumbling dreams reverse

Taking things day by day

All in the month of May

 

Summer the sun shines on my heart

Summer

Another digit added to my life

Youth is no longer my maiden name

But age is now my first

Childhood friends now turn their backs

And maybe sadly wave goodbye

My last entry in my diary

I can now turn the page

On that period of my life.

 

Sharon carter-Wray

(June 1984)

Oh Boy!

Talk to me

Kiss me

Touch me

Kiss me

Feel me

Kiss me

Touch me

Talk to me

Kiss me

Undress me

Kiss me

Lay on me

Oh boy

Even sex is routine!

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(24thNovember 1985)

 

The simple truths

Once I would

Have hidden my pain

Disguised it within

The words I chose to say

But now I have

Courage on my side

My simple truths

Can no longer hide

I have learned that

My past cannot hurt me

And the memories

Are just in my head

But rather than

Still hide them

They need to be said

Words are my weapon

But also my shield

And ever so slowly

I shall be revealed

I am a simple soul

With very simple needs

But now I have the tools

To release and speak of

My very simple truths

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thMay 2018)

 

 

5. Why oh why?

Why is it that the people who are close to you and should care about you, are the ones that actually don’t understand or give a shit?

I am almost lost for words to speak, but I think I have the ability to voice my utter disbelief and anger in this way.

What is it about people, that as soon as you open your mouth to express something, they are straight down your throat biting and spitting venom, before the words or sounds are formed.  Why are they always on the attack, and so defensive first, before they give it a moments thought that you may have something important or earnest to say?  Why do they always think that they are about to be blamed for something, or they’ve done something wrong, and are therefore protecting themselves just in case.

It kills me some times, when I think that I have spent 15 years of my life with someone that is so selfish and conceited, who is only happy when we are talking about him, his interests, his hobbies, his work, his problems, his family issues, his hang-ups, and his many needs.You didn't love her

He is content with his selfish existence, because he can mock or block whatever or who ever, he feels is not important or worthwhile at that moment in time.  Which by the way, is usually me.  As usual, I will just pick up the pieces, and repair them once again, or I will make anew and ensure that each time the mend is stronger. Sometimes I really wonder why I keep doing this.  Does it make me happy, feel more secure, feel cared for or loved, something special, or listened to?

“The answer is no, because, all I do is wait for the next time, and wonder if next time, will be my last time”.

Why does he only remember at the last minute, that if it were not for me he would not have the very things that he enjoys so much, and yet can be so selfish about?  Why does he take for granted, the one thing he should hold closest to his heart and nurture, because I, unlike many others believe in him, no matter what?  He gives me no real thanks or recognition, there is no real appreciation.  There are always only words and more words, that essentially mean nothing or have been so devalued since the first time they were spoken with sincerity.

The poison is spat with such anger, but with no thought – that will come later.  Later, when he realises what he is possibly or most likely sacrificing.

You think you know herWhy does he not understand that by then, it’s too late, his words cannot be unspoken, his unkindness cannot be replaced by care, and no soothing words he has to offer will ever heal the damage he has just caused.  All he has achieved is to confirm what I already knew and believed, further compounded by what I saw in his actions, his behaviour and his mood, every single day.

I know that that will never change, as he lacks the respect within himself, to look into the mirror and see who he really is, and what he has become.  It has been a long time since he really took a good at himself.  Perhaps, it’s time for him to do it again, before he causes any more long term, irreparable pain and damage.

It is the same blood that courses through his veins, as the people – his so called family, who constantly torment and abuse him. But no matter what – it will always be my fault.  It’s always my fault because I can see the answers that he cannot, I can see the damaged soul that he carries around with him in the bag he slings over his shoulder. I can put in the words what he is too weak to speak for himself.  But most of all, I know the man he hides behind and pretends to be; even though he will never admit that, even to himself.  I had began calling him Jekyll and Hyde, a very long time ago…

You lost me

It is always my fault.  Which is why it is easier for him to do battle with me, someone he feels is week, vulnerable and accepting of more abuse – even though he knows the bare truth.

It is easier for him to feel some sense of triumph, to beat his chest and parade his fantastic feathers, because he believes he has conquered me, but again, he knows the bare truth.

Without me, he would never have been enabled enough to do this in the first place.  I gave him the chest to swell with pride, I repaired the wings for him to fly again, and I bandaged his wounds for him to heal… so how I can I still be at fault?  How can I be so wrong again?

So now I have to decide what happens next.You didn't break her

Do I let him off the hook again and pretend that all is as it was, so he can carry on with his apparent “happy” life?

Or do I stand up yet again, and prove to him that he has no right to do war with me, because I am his saviour and not his enemy?

Or do I add it to the list of unforgivable things that he has done or said in the past, which has been building my armour and has made the reasons and readiness in me to do battle with him even stronger?

But you see, I am a patient and kind sort -until someone completely abuses my good nature.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(5thMarch 2012)

Note:  It wasn’t too long after I wrote this, that I began divorce proceedings against him, he finally went too far…  Sx 🙂

They’ll never understand us

I still think of him

From time to time

He sends pulses

Shooting across my mind

Yet another failure

In a different guise

Why oh why

Did he tell so many lies?

I had looked at him

With dreamy eyes

Still asking questions

Between my sighs

I had too many doubts

My fears proved right

It always happens too late

Will I ever see the light?

 

They soak up all the glory

Of having all my love

They are captured by the romance

Of roses and white doves

They wonder if I am a maiden

With innocence in my eyes

Or if I am a mermaid

Who teases and ties

They are stunned

By an inner magic

Which is beauty in itself

They wonder how I got myself

On that too high up a shelf

To them, I have

Many romantic notions

Too many out of reach dreams

Because they don’t believe in them

They are dismissed

As useless schemes

 

But

On a bright starry night

The moon does reflect my glow

But the reasons for my mystery

Is something

No man

Will ever know

Sharon carter-Wray

 

(30th April 1986)

If

If I had a looking glass

I could things more clearly

 

If I had a looking glass

Would I see me

Looking back?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(8th April 1986)

The fallen never let go

The fallen never let go

We hold on

By our finger tips

Worn almost to the bone

Clinging on tight

To any shred of hope

Never losing sight

To what can bring us

Safely back to ‘home’

 

The fallen

Have learnt how to be

Broken and alone

We know not to throw back

Those hurtful stones

Instead we use them

To protect and save

Our tortured souls

 

The fallen

You may think weak

But in actual fact

We’re at our peak

It takes more power

To climb up the walls

Than it does

To tumble down

But it’s in these depths

That we each find our crowns

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(30thMay 2018)

 

 

 

 

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