I will not go back

I will not go back

I have been reminded

Of a time and place

From my not too distant past

A place of sadness

A home of shattered glass

A time of great illusion

And spoken words

Not meant to last

I was left almost broken

When I was most in need

Few had thought

I would move on

Few had wished

I would succeed

Few had little faith

Or belief in me

It is not for me

To prove them wrong

Their effect on me

Was not that strong

But the feelings

That came with it

Were not meant to lift me

Only bring me down

Now they are where

They justly belong

I am free of that torment

I am free of my fears

I’m done with crying

Done waiting for change

I’ve grown now

I have no further need

For that kind of pain

Love me or lose me

There is no in between

Cherish or adore me

Please just don’t

Test and tease

Beneath my skin

A silent rage is stirring

Itching to be released

So careful how you push me

Don’t try to do me down

I will not welcome memories

From a place where

I’ve just come

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 3rd April 2019)

Coming full circle

Coming full circle

 

I am coming full circle

I’d thought I’d seen it all

I’d thought I’d served my time

But instead, each time it seems

There is something else new

For me still to learn

Something new

That when revealed

Blackens once colourful souls

 

I am coming full circle

I am a fool no more

Where once I might have

Given my heart freely

It now remains reserved

Unwilling to be touched

Until it has been heard

She knows her own worth

And she has only known

Such pain

So much so

She refuses to be hurt

In that same way again

 

I am coming full circle

But the fools come and go

Trying to deceive me

But none of them gain access

Because none of them

Really get ‘me’

They want to treat me

Like I am some whore

But I know they see

That I am a so much more

 

I am coming full circle

But this is just going

Through the motions

I know I will find the one

That is truly meant to be mine

But for the moment

I will play this game

But I will not

Suffer these fools gladly

Or believe my search

Is in vain.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(5th August 2017)

Writing challenge

I was asked to take part in this writing challenge around May/June 2018, and I have to confess that I cannot find the information about the person who nominated me.  I am assuming that he is no longer on this site, and having checked other nominee sites for their response, I have not found anything there either.  It appears I only printed off the last page of his post, which didn’t include his details, and for that I sincerely apologise.

Life got in the way last year, but I always had it in mind to do this, so here goes:

Firstly, I would like to thank the person who nominated me, if you are seeing this please respond so I can thank you properly.  I took it as huge compliment to be invited to to be part of such a challenge, and it certainly made me think.  It was just as hard coming up with responses for these 5 questions, as it was to create 5 new ones.

  1. Where is the most inspiring place I have ever visited?

India

I have always had a fascination with India, but for some reason it was one of those places I never thought I’d never get to.  But literally by chance on the return trip from another holiday, flights were overbooked and as a result we were given 2 x return flights to anywhere the airline went.  And I made the most of the opportunity, and went to the place of my dreams, flying first to Delhi and then on to Goa.  We were staying overnight before our connection the next day, and in the that time we took in as much as we could.

Delhi, is an amazing and overwhelming place to take in, and emotions ran from being in awe of the city to feeling sadness, when seeing how people really had to live.  Seeing how families would maim their own to send them begging from tourists, was not an easy pill to swallow, and it was difficult to un-see.

As soon as you enter the airport, you are struck by the sheer number of people; and when you leave the airport and enter the city, not only is it people, but cars, tuk-tuks, cows, goats, elephants, mopeds and more.  It was no surprise to see mopeds all fully stocked to the hilt, with half a dozen passengers including babes in arms, as well family animals.

The noise hits you with a vengeance, the various smells and aromas certainly tickled the senses.  Delhi is a wash of vibrant colour, from the clothing to the monuments, it was so much more than I imagined, and I am so glad I was able to visit.  But for me, one day was enough, the place was far too busy for a restful break.

I did return to India 3 more times, but went directly to Goa which is a much quieter and calmer place, with a beautiful beach.  That’s the place I fell in love with.

  1. What do I perceive to be my greatest asset?

Integrity

I have to say that it is difficult to choose only one!  I guess I am most proud of the fact that in spite of whatever has happened in my life, I have remained a good, decent, grounded and honest person.   But integrity- doing the right thing regardless, for me is everything.  I hate to see inconsistency in peoples’ behaviour, when it is determined by whether they can be seen or not.  And for me it is the basis as to whether I can truly trust someone, so in turn that’s who I am, I will always do the right thing.  I feel quite confident that most people I know would vouch for me on this.

  1. Who, above anyone else, could I l not live without.

This is a really tough question for me to answer, because I have already lost the people I would name.  I have become so self-reliant, because I have been let down too many times without a second thought.  I have felt this sense of detachment from so many people including family over the years, so I keep my circle very tight.

However, I have a handful of friends who are very dear to me, and I love wholeheartedly.  Even though we are not in each other’s pockets all the time, their existence, is not only important but really matters to me.

 

  1. What drives me to publish content on WP or other platforms?

I have discovered my voice and creativity again, and this time I want to be seen and heard!

The very first blog I created ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, was my way of releasing how I felt in the depths of depression, and the full onset of Fibromyalgia and other conditions.  It was not a happy blog, but the intent was to shed light on a subject that was not readily discussed.  It was very raw, honest and personal, and I needed to do to it, because it allowed me to move on.  It eventually came to a point when I looked back at what I’d written over the years, and could see the sadness, anger and agony I’d been in; that’s when I knew I had come an extremely long way.  It was no longer who I was or wanted to be, and for a very long while I stopped writing.

It is very powerful medicine for me, and has helped tremendously with my healing process.  For years I had written, just to release my pent-up feelings, emotions and frustrations, not ever seeing it as a talent or indeed worthy of sharing.  About 15 months ago, something changed.  There was a spark of inspiration, and all my words that had been bottled up came flooding out.  It made me see how much I had missed doing it.

At the same time, I have always used my creative mind to make a variety of beautiful things, that only few people have seen.  I realised that it was all going to waste, or I was, because I had trapped myself in a bubble that wasn’t going to burst.  I initially posted on other poetry sites, but they were too limiting and gave little control or disappeared completely.  It was because of this that I was spurred on to create my new WordPress site, a place where I can showcase everything I do.

I would like to think that by having my site and sharing my written work elsewhere on social media, is an opportunity to be the voice of those that can only feel, but maybe cannot speak.  I am a great advocate for ‘saying it, as it is’, it’s personal and straight from the heart, and I am not afraid to write/speak of my own experiences.

I have suffered in silence for far too long, and swallowed down way too much pain inside; and even if I only touch or inspire one other person, then that makes me so happy!

  1. If I could combine any two super powers to become the ultimate hero or villain, what would they be and how I would utilise them in the modern world?

I would love to have the ability to be able to flit from one place to another and the power to make people visualise the bigger picture; to make them think twice before they act, so they can see the truth of their actions and enable change.

Attitudes have changed so much over the last 20 years, especially when it comes to how women and children are viewed.  Somehow, we became accepting of abuse, only being horrified when something hit the headlines, but now it is rife, and we’re no longer surprised by this kind of behaviour. In fact, in some cases we almost made to go as far as judging the victim first, asking if they possibly deserved it or bought it on themselves.  It is a sad state of affairs, and it is not only women and children, men get abused too, and unfortunately our poor animals also suffer.

I would like to use my powers to show people the real consequences of their thoughtless words, actions and behaviour toward another.  For them to actually see what happens – after, see the real impact they make, the lasting long-term damage and to feel the same pain they may have inflicted.

I know there are some genuinely cruel people in the world, but I would also like to think that most don’t actually intend to go and deliberately hurt someone, but in a fit of rage, anger or whatever, something snaps.

It would be a nice though to be able to step in, and make that person have a flash of the implications of their actions, making them think twice before they do what they’re intending on.

There are many things that seriously need addressing in our world today, social media, rather than bringing people together seems geared to causing conflict instead, and is just another tool to exploit and further reduce people.

I am assuming that I am the only one with these particular special powers, and there is an awful lot of work to do, but I’d like to think that I may get a sidekick or two to join me.  Sx ❤️

My questions are: 

  1. What was the first thing you ever wrote or produced and blogged for the first time, and why did you choose to blog it?
  1. What is number one on your bucket list, and how do you plan to go about getting there or have you got there already?
  1. What in life makes your blood boil or feel really angry?
  1. What has been the best day of your life so far and why?
  1. What about you in particular, would you like most to be remembered for when you pass?

I would like to nominate the following blogs for this challenge:

  1. https://thatsoulshit.wordpress.com
  2. https://franksolanki.com/author/franksolanki/
  3. https://chitkaladitosh.com
  4. https://ankandas.wordpress.com/
  5. https://cristianmihai.net
  6. https://vinzpoetry.wordpress.com/author/onyecheonyeka/
  7. https://grabbablog.wordpress.com/author/virtutecinerea/
  8. https://heartbeatingwings.wordpress.com/author/melbell10/
  9. https://yellowwolfenlightenment.wordpress.com
  10. https://deontetowner.com/

I thoroughly enjoyed writing this, it certainly gave me food for thought!

I hope my nominees will all gladly take part and keep this moving so we’re paying it forward!

So thank you in advance and I look forward to seeing your responses. ❤️

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sat 2nd March 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 5. Happiness

Letting go: 5. Happiness

Admittedly, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom this last year, there have been moments when I have felt so happy, nothing could touch me.  That happiness has come from different areas of my life, and it has spurred me on.

It is what I am ultimately seeking, a life that is calm, peaceful, nurturing and relatively stress free.  I don’t think it’s really too much to ask for, but in order to achieve it, I know that I must address the balance and rid myself of the negative factors first.

The first step to that, is to stop taking the responsibility or blame for other peoples’ actions, and to leave them where they belong.

It is also fundamental that I don’t accept people disrespecting me, because it leads to my disrespecting myself, which is definitely wrong on all levels.  As they say:

“Happiness is a state of mind, and not a destination”. 

So, I am going to promise myself that each day, I do something that makes me ‘feel good in my soul’, which can’t be a bad thing!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

 

Update:

Since the decision to shield myself or walk away from negative people and situations, I have felt some real differences in my day to day life.  In spite of health not being on my side for most of the last 2 years, and having many emotional issues to deal with, I have battled on in search of this one thing.Find yourself

But, I am pleased to report that now at least my frame of mind is in a good place.  I would also say quite whole-heartedly that I am happy.  Many doors were closed at the end of last year.  Since then I have managed to somehow maintain this upbeat attitude and mindset since then.

I know that I still have anger within me.  But I also know that I am right to feel that anger. 

No longer will I make excuses or be quick to forgive other peoples’ shortfalls.  Especially if they know, they should really know better.

I have finally realised my true worth, after years of being made to feel worthless, .  And no one can take that away from me.  Never again, will I allow anyone to question my own integrity or make me feel bad about who I am as a person.  Sx ❤️

Artwork by me: I am enough

Poetry: I keep that beast inside

(Tues 26th February 2019)

 

 

 

19. Time… Changes everything

Eleven years ago, in Aug 2003 I had my breakdown.  It is only now that I actually call it that.  I never really had a word for it before, but it was the biggest turning point in my life.

And a break down it was, a complete and utter break down of everything.

I had seen it coming.  I had felt the vibes in me.  I knew something wasn’t right within my soul.  So, it came as no great surprise that Monday morning, as I walked towards my office with the usual sense of foreboding, high blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, heavy breath, and anxiety… to find myself 30 minutes later in a heap.

Having sat down at my desk, I knew I had to see my doctor urgently, and within minutes of making that call, I was struggling with life itself.  I remember the day so clearly, from the panic around me, to the fact that my team leader drove me home, rather than call the ambulance that I so desperately needed at the time.  It had felt like they just wanted to hurry me off the premises, to no longer be their responsibility. Truth is

After a few weeks of being completed drugged out, Occupational health stepped in, and organized 6 weeks of counselling with a local practice.  That woman did more damage than good!  She opened up a whole can of worms that should have been left well alone, as she could not deal with the contents.  She spent more time talking at me, than to me, telling me what I should do, and so on and so on.  I couldn’t wait to finish the 6 weeks with her.  It felt like unfinished business, and I had had no trust in her to truly open up.  But at least one thing I did learn was that I was indeed depressed.  Just as my doctor had told me.  Initially, the very idea of depression, was something I had been bemused by, but it soon dawned on me that I was suffering, and as time went by, I realised just how bad I had it and for how long.

I was appointed a psychiatrist, who I still see, and went on to attend other types of counselling.  But I didn’t really have the same issues as some of my peers, so I never felt that I got anything out of it, except understanding the different degrees or levels at which people can suffer.  More importantly, I learnt that depression can last for years and years, and some people don’t ever really get over it. 

The darkness i know so well

Being myself, I had thought I would recover in a few months, that all I needed was just a break, and here I am eleven years later, still not out of the woods yet!

I have always very open about my illness.  Many people have thanked me for my candidness, and for being willing to talk about it. I described depression like falling a series of steps; and acknowledged that we all suffer from it at some time in our lives, but for most it will last for a very short period of time i.e. falling down to the first step.

But, for the unfortunate ones, they fall a lot further down, maybe even hitting the floor hard.  And that’s when the true problems can arise, that’s when we need the help of medication, to pull us out of it and up again.  I placed myself somewhere near rock bottom, but not quite.

It is after all a chemical reaction within our brain and body, there is nothing that we can do to help ourselves, so there should be no shame or stigma just because of people’s ignorance.  I became quite good at seeing it in other people, and my honesty was always welcomed and appreciated, because I understood.

A doctor once said to me, that he best cures for depression are:

  1. Sunshine
  2. Exercise
  3. Laughter

Three things guaranteed to boost your mood, and help make you feel better…  If only it were that simple.  Depression usually means that you have been robbed of the ability to enjoy doing things, or you no longer feel pleasure in anything, because you feel so flat and so low.  So how do you summon up the energy to get yourself motivated?  When it takes all the “feel good” emotions away from you?

Don't depend too much on anyoneMany people were shocked in the way I had changed, I was no longer chatty or humorous, I was very, very quiet and withdrawn.  Basically, I became a shell, the complete opposite of the person I usually was.

People questioned how I could be depressed, with having the nice house, a good job and a lovely husband to boot, (all the material things that allegedly make people happy), because they simply could not understand how it could happen to me.  After all, if I could get knocked down by it, so could they.  I came to recognise who my real friends were, and undertook a major housekeeping exercise, ridding myself of negative forces around me.  Cutting off people who thought they always knew what my problem was, and had a cure for me, in fact it pretty much affected anyone that didn’t listen to me.

About 18 months into my breakdown, I was assigned a Psycho-Therapist, and this was the first step towards my recovery, and me getting my life back.  This amazing woman named Margaret, held the keys to so many of my internal locks, and bit by bit she encouraged me to match each key to a lock, to discover what was hiding behind.  It was then that realisation finally took control.

I began to accept just how broken I was, but I always had it in my mind that one day I would be healed again.  Even though I knew it would take time for that to happen, that thought kept a positive light burning inside of me; in spite of feeling like I was surrounded by darkness.

I am so proud of myself, because I never lost my free spirit, I have maintained my focus throughout this illness, and I have emerged so much stronger than ever before.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(2nd December 2014)

Update:

It’s hard to be believe that was me 4 years ago.  What I didn’t know then, was that I was on the brink of a major transitional period, that would once again rip my life inside out.

I am fully aware and accepting of the fact that depression will always be a companion of mine, whether she lurks in the shadows or walks by my side.  I am also fully accepting of the fact that I will always be on medication for it, in spite of being discharged from my psychiatric service.  But in truth, I never really believed that I got the support or the service I should have received from them; because there were so many important issues that were left undiscussed.  So, a lot of the time I felt very much alone and like I was left to flounder.

But in the end, over the last 4 years I have addressed the main factors that had brought me to that place, and at least now feel like I’m holding the steering wheel and I’m back in the control seat of my life.  I had very few people I could confide in, who had some knowledge and understanding of what I was going through.  So silently, I got on with the task of picking myself back up, dusting myself down and getting on with the process of properly mending and healing.   Stop looking for the light

I keep that beast inside“, came out of this transitional phase, when I wrote it not only did I feel angry, I knew I had every right to be.  My creativity and my written words, have empowered and driven me so much, I no longer seek validation from people close to me, who seem quite happy to disregard or ignore my talents.

But, this matters no more as my confidence and self-belief are growing daily, and I feel truly blessed by that.  Sx ❤️

(Saturday 16th February 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 4. JOY

Such a small word that has a huge meaning!

Joy is something else I always strive for.  I find joy in the simplest of things, whether it’s a pretty creation I’ve made, a piece art I have done, or just spending time doing anything that makes me feel uplifted.   Just doing the things that I enjoy, makes me feel good about myself, and it’s something I can’t get enough of, it makes me thrive.  Another thing I always say is:

“Out of my misery something beautiful is always created”.

Because it’s often at these times that I am most imaginative.

So, I am going to promise myself that I will make more room in my life so that I have the proper time to follow my heart.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I am pleased to say that in spite of having such bad health over the last couple of years, I have at least continued to be as creative as I can be.  After this entry, I began creating a scrapbook full of the inspirational quotes and words, many of which had been previously stuck to my walls as daily visual reminders.  It has been a labour of love creating this book, as each page has been hand-decorated in a variety of different ways, making it a beautiful book to pick and browse through.  I still have several more pages to do, before this first book is completed, it is not something to be rushed, and If I’m honest I will have many more of these to do.  If you would like to see some of these scrapbook pages I have added some photos under my lovely creations tab.

The other positive thing that has happened, is that I have taken up my writing again, something that has been dormant for quite a while.  I was inspired to put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, and I haven’t looked back.  So much so, it’s what brought about “My kind of beautiful”, and for that I am very thankful.Word art: JOY 4

I have bottled up so much up over the years, not realising just how fundamental it was for me to write my feelings out.  It was also the inspiration behind the word art “Joy” that I did, because the word itself is important to me.

It was such an important reawakening for me, to once again have an avenue to channel my thoughts and emotions.  It feels like finding an old friend again…

It gives me great joy to see the words I have strung together and the creations I have made on my website and other social media.  It is even better knowing that I have the courage to put myself and my truth out there, and that I am touching so many strangers who are responding back.

I don’t feel unheard anymore, and whatever else may still be lacking in my life, at least joy is not one of them.

Sx ❤️

(updated Weds 13th February 2019)

 

Letting go: 3. LOVE

For some time, I have felt this air of woefulness about me, along with an emptiness when I realised that I have gone through this entire year ‘feeling’ so very little love.  It saddens me greatly, when I think of all that I have so freely dispersed to friends, (in particular) and family, and how little I have actually felt coming back.  It has left me feeling quite lonely and isolated, as I fear, giving out anymore to anyone who doesn’t appreciate it, for what it is. bb5ea-to2bremember2bwho2byou2bare

Knowing that I’ve been on someone’s mind, getting a quick message to check on how I’m doing, spending time just catching up, talking on the phone, being told that I’ve been missed by someone, makes me feel loved.  All these little things don’t really need to take much time or effort at all, but somehow everyone’s been too busy, or they just want to talk about themselves.

I have felt quite hurt by the lack of that kind of love.  So much so, it has caused me to yet again go through the ‘life laundry’ process of re-evaluating some of the people in my life.  A process I seem to go through every few years, which has finally taught me that I am spending too much time, energy and effort on the wrong people.

I am naturally a kind and giving person, it goes against the grain for me to standby and do or say nothing, when I recognise pain in someone, especially when I know I can be of help.  But it would seem that’s just how I need to be, even though it’s going to be a hard habit to break.

46933401_203824973879851_3954533898762846208_nThe lessons I have learned from this have broken my heart at times and left me completely confused, trying to understand why things had gone wrong.  It took a while before it hit me that it wasn’t even my problem, it was theirs and the way they chose to see things.  But one person’s discontented whispers can travel far, and I wonder to myself, ‘Was I like this at their age?’ and then I hope to God that I wasn’t.  Perhaps having reached the age of 51, I can see their insecurities and lack of confidence quite clearly; maybe that’s why they just don’t get me.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through, to achieve that beauty”.

Maya Angelou

I often say to people that

“The only reason we get hurt by other people, is because we care for them”, 

and

“We are not betrayed by our enemies, but by our friends and loved ones”.

Both statements are very simple truths, so I guess the question I need to ask myself is:

  1. Why do I care?”.
  2. Why do I continue to give time and show kindness to people, when they have systematically disrespected or abused me?
  3. Am I that desperate to be with them, that I will accept anything?

The answers to these questions are:

  1. I have absolutely no idea
  2. Sub-consciously maybe I am hoping they might change
  3. Fuck no

Now I know the answers, I realise that I have been incredibly fucking stupid!44953681_2063941743917987_7052957489741955072_n 46933401_203824973879851_3954533898762846208_n

Stupid in the sense that I had been sucked into and absorbed by their bullshit antics and immaturity, just because I had foolishly made myself believe that they actually gave a shit about me.

But I have distanced myself from those kind of people now, I really don’t want to play their silly games and I certainly won’t share my private life with them.  All they know, is that each time they see me now, I always look better in their eyes and they need to press me to know why.

To me, if they aren’t bothered to know about my everyday life, why should they be interested in my private life?  So, fuck them, I’ll keep them guessing!

I am not afraid of removing or losing people from my life, if they have shown themselves to be unworthy.  I have made progress by stepping away because by not giving my time and love to them, it means I have more time and love to lavish on me, and it really has been quite liberating.

I know I have been stupid!  But not anymore, I have now drawn a heavy line underneath all that and moved the hell on.

Sharon carter-Wray

(31stDecember 2016)

Update:

What can I say?  All I know is that when I initially wrote this, it was coming from a place full of pain.  But I am pleased to say that over the last 2 years I have continued to re-evaluate the people in my life, and what they really do for or mean to me. It has given me so much clarity, and I am fully aware of where I stand within my close social environment.

Where once I might have internalised all questions and feelings of self-doubt, I am now empowered enough instead, to hold a strong belief that if someone has an issue with me, which they can’t discuss with me… then it really is their problem and not mine… 🙂

Sharon

(Updated: Tuesday 5th February 2019)

7e0d4-1939978_725772217442728_937133909_n

One of my favourite quotes.  Sx 🙂

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