Read me like braille

Close your eyes

And surrender to

Your other senses

Unfasten your mind

And visualise me

In another way

Say nothing

As your fingers travel

Over every dip and curve

Learn

From my response to you

Hear if we are in tune

Caress

Every part of me

Listen closely

To the gasps I inhale

Breathe me in

From the sighs

That I exhale

Let your fingers

Slowly glide over me

As you read my skin

Like braille

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rdJanuary 2019)

A temporary distraction…

I feel like I have been caught up in the middle of a tornado for the last few weeks.

I have experienced so many highs and lows, but mainly lows as situations and people around me have caused or added to my sudden chaotic daily life.  I have been feeling the weight of stupid mistakes as well as good decisions, and I have been crippled by the stress of outside forces, that have played a good game, but have only served to try and undermine my intelligence and good nature.

I have not been in the proverbial “good place”, so to speak.

I’m not even sure what triggered this Ferris wheel into action, but I do know that I have learned another great lesson, or should `I say had one reinforced.  Which perhaps was not what I needed at this time, but it happened all the same.  And just like the wheel, I have been spun this way and that, making me feel dizzy with all sorts of different thoughts and emotions going through my mind.

But bad things, happen to nice people…

July was an angry month.  I have had to argue/heatedly debate with so many people, in so many conversations, just because they continually took my kindness and manners for granted.  And I guess I am still feeling angry, because I just can’t understand why people have to behave so badly.  This feeling was the inspiration behind the poem “I’m done”, because I have come to realise that, I just can’t do this with people anymore.

I have been in contact with so many selfish souls of late, that I have feared their traits might rub off on me.  But I can’t decipher if it’s the disappointment, the loss of faith, the being let down or the emotionally attachment that has hurt me the most.  Maybe, it’s a combination of all these things, but there has been this big cloud of confusion hanging over my head, and silently I am still asking the question, “why?”

I feel muddled, emotional, my brain is addled, and physically I am dealing with more pain than I can really bear.

In truth, I am happy within myself.  My personal journey of discovery for last three years has reached a good conclusion. I have closure on many things.  But it would appear that there are still rocks from my not too distant past; that are throwing themselves in front of me to block my onward path.

I am just hoping that writing this is going to press the “RESTART” button, and begin the process of me yet again, getting back up, dusting myself down and hey, you know the rest…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thAugust 2018)

Who am I?

I took a good hard look at myself

And I wasn’t sure what I saw

I don’t look like

A business woman

I don’t look like

A child

I don’t look like

I’ve loved and lost

I don’t look like

I’m unkind

I don’t look like

The lonely sort

I don’t look like

The sort that cries

Why can my face not show

What I feel inside?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thJuly 1986)

 

Home

My whole life

Is within this home

My old friends surround me

We have travelled

Both far and near

Everything

Has a day, a time, a person

Attached to it

As a reason for being here

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thMarch 1986)

Choices

I often wonder

How different

My life would be

If I had made

Some different choices

Would things have

Turned out the same?

Would I still be

The independent woman

That I once was?

Would I still be working

Or have given up

To do my own thing?

Would I have become

The teacher

That I knew I could be?

Would I be the same

If I’d had

A different history?

If I had not

Faced so much misery?

Who would I be

If that first man

Had not spoiled me?

Or my husband not

Ruined me?

If I’d stayed alone

And pursued my dreams?

If I had followed my heart

And not another’s

Reckless schemes?

If I had said “Fuck you”

Instead of “I do”

Just who would I be?

 

Or was I just destined

To have this life

And to be me?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13thJuly 2018)

I’m done

Every man that has been

Or is still in my life

Has abused me

In some way

Physically, emotionally

Or mentally

They have all

Had a part to play

Whether it be my mind, body or soul

It seems there is no end

To the goodness in me

I have been tested

Time and again

I have been made

To feel at fault

Because I value

My own feelings and

Give myself some worth

And even though they can see it

And they know it

They know not

How to appreciate

What stands before them

To them

I am an object

Of sexual desire

I am a means to an end

I am the agony aunt

I am a problem solver

I am the emergency call

But what do I get

In return for doing it all?

For the selling of my soul?

It has become an empty virtue

This kindness in me

But it has served

No purpose other

Than to further

Invalidate me

I can never be the winner

I have lost

Before I can begin

I have been foolish

I have been naïve

Because I believed

They cared for me

But really it was

Because I fulfilled their needs

But now

I am done

I’ve stopped

Drawing the lines –

They’ve been moved

Too many times

This is it

I will not accept

This practice anymore

And for anyone else

Who chooses to

Belittle or reduce me

Who uses or abuses

Mark my words

Nice girl has gone

And I am done.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13th July 2018)

 

Dear mother

Dear mother

Give me strength

To fight this soul destroying

Battle within myself

For I fear, you will not be able to

To mend the broken pieces

If I should break

 

Too many shattered pieces

Have been stolen from my life

For me to be complete

So help me start over again

To replace the lost fragments with new

 

Give me the strength

Not to let bitter memories

Invade my being

Let me hold onto the good times

And forget the bad

 

Tell me that my wanting more

Has not been my downfall

But my gain

And tell me that I am still a survivor

That I am not beaten yet

 

Put the faith back in my veins

That I once had in myself

And pray

That I will not give up or give in

 

Tell me believing that

All will be good in the end

Is still worthwhile

That I am not sailing

On some incredible dream

 

Assure me that these

Black moods are a way of life

And that I am not

Just feeling sorry for myself

 

And stay with me long enough

So you can see for yourself

That I am not a failure

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st October 1985)

 

Sadly I lost my mum on the 29th January 2009, she took her last breath with me by her side, this was followed two months later by the death of my sister.

Now, some 9 years later on from these events I still feel the pain of that loss, maybe even more so now than I did before.

So love your close ones people, you just never know how long you have them for!  Sx 🙂

 

Betrayal

With my heart and soul

I believed in you

You don’t know

How much of my love

Was there to guide you through

In the many miles

I have travelled

If only you knew

How many were filled

With thoughts of my return

Or how many lonely hours I have spent

Holding on to an empty space

Wishing it to be your face

I longed for the moment

When I would fall back

Into your arms

Hoping that your love

Would totally surround me

If only you knew

How much I had missed

Every part of you

Or indeed how strong and deep

My feelings ran

 

But my welcome home

Was the mention of a sisters’ name

Time and time again

And the warmth and closeness

That you felt for her

Totally crushed me

Broke my heart a million times

And even though I cowardly cried

You misunderstood my tears

So I lied

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27thDecember 1991)

 

I know your game!

Why do you play

This game my love?

I asked for nothing

And you gave me as much

You play with my feelings

As if I’m a light touch

But I’ve seen you

In so many others

Why do this?

Why do you bother?

I see your words making plans

That always fall through

But I am not here

Lying wanton or waiting

Or craving for you

You make your requests

For how I should be

To be wearing little or less

With no real intention

Of actually seeing me

You make me play along

In this stupid game

Rousing your loins for what?

You may think you

Have beguiled me

But downhearted

I am not.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thJune 2018)

 

 

The other woman

The other woman

Knows what it is to wait

She has learned

How to keep face

For when disappointment

Does finally arrive

She knows how to hide it

Behind a beautiful smile

There would be no point

To her shedding tears

No point to uttering words

About her own fears

She knew the gamble

Before she took it on

She knew beforehand

That she’d be on her own

 

The other woman

Knows how to be happy

With any small scrap

Of loving she can get

She knows not to

Ask for too much

She knows not to beg

She knows it will only end

With bittersweet regret

No point crying

On fallen knees

It’s not want he wants

It not what he needs

 

The other woman

Knows how to bide her time

Though unrequited

She’s already put

Her heart on the line

Although feeling fragile

She continues to shine

Hoping her sparkles

Will dazzle his eyes

She has nothing else

To keep him in her life

 

The other woman

Knows how to be alone

Busying herself

Whilst not waiting

By the phone

Aching for her lover’s call

She has learnt to accept

One half of an empty bed

Where she alone will sleep

Because she already knows

He is not hers to keep

 

The other woman

Can only be, for so long

Before her heart becomes

So bruised and broken

And she can bear no more

She’s lived with frustration

She has survived the pain

But one day

The other woman will realise

That she’s lost much more

Than she’s gained

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(19thJune 2018)

I wish I could call you mine

There will be no more sad days

To make me feel blue

As long as I can think of you

I long to feel your warm embrace

And reach out

To touch your face

I wish I could call you mine

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(10thJune 1986)

I am not your plaything

You come to me

When you feel the urge

When you have that

Burning need for me

That can only be soothed

By what you hunger for

Between my thighs

 

Your desire and urgency

Has only one goal

And how you reach it

Doesn’t always include me

Your touch does not inspire

Your kisses leave me

With no desire

And as for passion

It is short lived

And soon expires

 

And when you’re done

You leave me feeling

Used, cold and alone

Lacking the heat

From my internal fire

I want to hear my body sing

As soft fingers play

A tender tune

Running up and down my skin

 

I want your kisses

In places I can’t reach

I want to be lost in the moment

Not lost in regret

I want to reach heights

I have not felt yet

So you see my darling

I have needs too

Needs, that are not

Being fulfilled by you

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(22nd February 2018)

Oh Boy!

Talk to me

Kiss me

Touch me

Kiss me

Feel me

Kiss me

Touch me

Talk to me

Kiss me

Undress me

Kiss me

Lay on me

Oh boy

Even sex is routine!

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(24thNovember 1985)

 

Was I in love?

Was I in love?

Was I close to falling?

Or was I simply mistaken?

I have been so guarded with my heart

For fear of being abused yet again

That I had closed all entry.

 

But then

Someone came into my life

Woke me up,

And made me feel alive again

Sadly it was only

For a brief moment in time.

 

When he left

He took a piece of my heart

And my hope along with him…

 

It is so rare for me

To find someone

That I have such an

Affinity with

And I fear how long it will be

Before I find another.

 

I am filled with emptiness

A feeling I’ve not known

For some time

It has clouded every

Aspect of my days

 

He is still so present in my mind

In my dreams and in my heart.

I doubt he even knows of

The wounds he has inflicted

Or the scars he has left behind…

That are still so raw to touch.

Sx

(12th October 2017)

They’ll never understand us

I still think of him

From time to time

He sends pulses

Shooting across my mind

Yet another failure

In a different guise

Why oh why

Did he tell so many lies?

I had looked at him

With dreamy eyes

Still asking questions

Between my sighs

I had too many doubts

My fears proved right

It always happens too late

Will I ever see the light?

 

They soak up all the glory

Of having all my love

They are captured by the romance

Of roses and white doves

They wonder if I am a maiden

With innocence in my eyes

Or if I am a mermaid

Who teases and ties

They are stunned

By an inner magic

Which is beauty in itself

They wonder how I got myself

On that too high up a shelf

To them, I have

Many romantic notions

Too many out of reach dreams

Because they don’t believe in them

They are dismissed

As useless schemes

 

But

On a bright starry night

The moon does reflect my glow

But the reasons for my mystery

Is something

No man

Will ever know

Sharon carter-Wray

 

(30th April 1986)

A little piece of me…

A long time ago

Something was stolen

Taken away from me

It might have seemed

Of no consequence

At the time

But that little piece

Put a roar and rage

So deep inside of me

The words

To bring me comfort

Have still yet to appear

But they are waiting

I can feel them

They are near

The fragment

That’s still missing

Is needed to make me whole

For I have questions

To ask it, like

Where did it go?

In spite of my age

It left a huge hole

Where darkness

Still prevails

And no light can reach

I have a need in me

That I don’t believe

I can fulfill alone

But he needs to

See my calling

Speak the same tongue

He needs to understand

From where I have come

To see the damaged structure

That lay beneath

To want to be the healer

To bear the golden key

To recognise that he holds

That tiny piece that I so need

To be given back to me

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(1stmay 2018)

(A little piece of me that I so need to be released…)

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑