Poetry, free expression, thoughts and lovely creations..
Close your eyes
And surrender to
Your other senses
Unfasten your mind
And visualise me
In another way
Say nothing
As your fingers travel
Over every dip and curve
Learn
From my response to you
Hear if we are in tune
Caress
Every part of me
Listen closely
To the gasps I inhale
Breathe me in
From the sighs
That I exhale
Let your fingers
Slowly glide over me
As you read my skin
Like braille
Sharon Carter-Wray
(23rdJanuary 2019)
I feel like I have been caught up in the middle of a tornado for the last few weeks.
I have experienced so many highs and lows, but mainly lows as situations and people around me have caused or added to my sudden chaotic daily life. I have been feeling the weight of stupid mistakes as well as good decisions, and I have been crippled by the stress of outside forces, that have played a good game, but have only served to try and undermine my intelligence and good nature.
I have not been in the proverbial “good place”, so to speak.
I’m not even sure what triggered this Ferris wheel into action, but I do know that I have learned another great lesson, or should `I say had one reinforced. Which perhaps was not what I needed at this time, but it happened all the same. And just like the wheel, I have been spun this way and that, making me feel dizzy with all sorts of different thoughts and emotions going through my mind.
But bad things, happen to nice people…
July was an angry month. I have had to argue/heatedly debate with so many people, in so many conversations, just because they continually took my kindness and manners for granted. And I guess I am still feeling angry, because I just can’t understand why people have to behave so badly. This feeling was the inspiration behind the poem “I’m done”, because I have come to realise that, I just can’t do this with people anymore.
I have been in contact with so many selfish souls of late, that I have feared their traits might rub off on me. But I can’t decipher if it’s the disappointment, the loss of faith, the being let down or the emotionally attachment that has hurt me the most. Maybe, it’s a combination of all these things, but there has been this big cloud of confusion hanging over my head, and silently I am still asking the question, “why?”
I feel muddled, emotional, my brain is addled, and physically I am dealing with more pain than I can really bear.
In truth, I am happy within myself. My personal journey of discovery for last three years has reached a good conclusion. I have closure on many things. But it would appear that there are still rocks from my not too distant past; that are throwing themselves in front of me to block my onward path.
I am just hoping that writing this is going to press the “RESTART” button, and begin the process of me yet again, getting back up, dusting myself down and hey, you know the rest…
Sharon Carter-Wray
(4thAugust 2018)
I took a good hard look at myself
And I wasn’t sure what I saw
I don’t look like
A business woman
I don’t look like
A child
I don’t look like
I’ve loved and lost
I don’t look like
I’m unkind
I don’t look like
The lonely sort
I don’t look like
The sort that cries
Why can my face not show
What I feel inside?
Sharon Carter-Wray
(30thJuly 1986)
My whole life
Is within this home
My old friends surround me
We have travelled
Both far and near
Everything
Has a day, a time, a person
Attached to it
As a reason for being here
Sharon Carter-Wray
(20thMarch 1986)
I often wonder
How different
My life would be
If I had made
Some different choices
Would things have
Turned out the same?
Would I still be
The independent woman
That I once was?
Would I still be working
Or have given up
To do my own thing?
Would I have become
The teacher
That I knew I could be?
Would I be the same
If I’d had
A different history?
If I had not
Faced so much misery?
Who would I be
If that first man
Had not spoiled me?
Or my husband not
Ruined me?
If I’d stayed alone
And pursued my dreams?
If I had followed my heart
And not another’s
Reckless schemes?
If I had said “Fuck you”
Instead of “I do”
Just who would I be?
Or was I just destined
To have this life
And to be me?
Sharon Carter-Wray
(13thJuly 2018)
Every man that has been
Or is still in my life
Has abused me
In some way
Physically, emotionally
Or mentally
They have all
Had a part to play
Whether it be my mind, body or soul
It seems there is no end
To the goodness in me
I have been tested
Time and again
I have been made
To feel at fault
Because I value
My own feelings and
Give myself some worth
And even though they can see it
And they know it
They know not
How to appreciate
What stands before them
To them
I am an object
Of sexual desire
I am a means to an end
I am the agony aunt
I am a problem solver
I am the emergency call
But what do I get
In return for doing it all?
For the selling of my soul?
It has become an empty virtue
This kindness in me
But it has served
No purpose other
Than to further
Invalidate me
I can never be the winner
I have lost
Before I can begin
I have been foolish
I have been naïve
Because I believed
They cared for me
But really it was
Because I fulfilled their needs
But now
I am done
I’ve stopped
Drawing the lines –
They’ve been moved
Too many times
This is it
I will not accept
This practice anymore
And for anyone else
Who chooses to
Belittle or reduce me
Who uses or abuses
Mark my words
Nice girl has gone
And I am done.
Sharon Carter-Wray
(13th July 2018)
Dear mother
Give me strength
To fight this soul destroying
Battle within myself
For I fear, you will not be able to
To mend the broken pieces
If I should break
Too many shattered pieces
Have been stolen from my life
For me to be complete
So help me start over again
To replace the lost fragments with new
Give me the strength
Not to let bitter memories
Invade my being
Let me hold onto the good times
And forget the bad
Tell me that my wanting more
Has not been my downfall
But my gain
And tell me that I am still a survivor
That I am not beaten yet
Put the faith back in my veins
That I once had in myself
And pray
That I will not give up or give in
Tell me believing that
All will be good in the end
Is still worthwhile
That I am not sailing
On some incredible dream
Assure me that these
Black moods are a way of life
And that I am not
Just feeling sorry for myself
And stay with me long enough
So you can see for yourself
That I am not a failure
Sharon Carter-Wray
(31st October 1985)
Sadly I lost my mum on the 29th January 2009, she took her last breath with me by her side, this was followed two months later by the death of my sister.
Now, some 9 years later on from these events I still feel the pain of that loss, maybe even more so now than I did before.
So love your close ones people, you just never know how long you have them for! Sx 🙂
With my heart and soul
I believed in you
You don’t know
How much of my love
Was there to guide you through
In the many miles
I have travelled
If only you knew
How many were filled
With thoughts of my return
Or how many lonely hours I have spent
Holding on to an empty space
Wishing it to be your face
I longed for the moment
When I would fall back
Into your arms
Hoping that your love
Would totally surround me
If only you knew
How much I had missed
Every part of you
Or indeed how strong and deep
My feelings ran
But my welcome home
Was the mention of a sisters’ name
Time and time again
And the warmth and closeness
That you felt for her
Totally crushed me
Broke my heart a million times
And even though I cowardly cried
You misunderstood my tears
So I lied
Sharon Carter-Wray
(27thDecember 1991)
Why do you play
This game my love?
I asked for nothing
And you gave me as much
You play with my feelings
As if I’m a light touch
But I’ve seen you
In so many others
Why do this?
Why do you bother?
I see your words making plans
That always fall through
But I am not here
Lying wanton or waiting
Or craving for you
You make your requests
For how I should be
To be wearing little or less
With no real intention
Of actually seeing me
You make me play along
In this stupid game
Rousing your loins for what?
You may think you
Have beguiled me
But downhearted
I am not.
Sharon Carter-Wray
(20thJune 2018)
The other woman
Knows what it is to wait
She has learned
How to keep face
For when disappointment
Does finally arrive
She knows how to hide it
Behind a beautiful smile
There would be no point
To her shedding tears
No point to uttering words
About her own fears
She knew the gamble
Before she took it on
She knew beforehand
That she’d be on her own
The other woman
Knows how to be happy
With any small scrap
Of loving she can get
She knows not to
Ask for too much
She knows not to beg
She knows it will only end
With bittersweet regret
No point crying
On fallen knees
It’s not want he wants
It not what he needs
The other woman
Knows how to bide her time
Though unrequited
She’s already put
Her heart on the line
Although feeling fragile
She continues to shine
Hoping her sparkles
Will dazzle his eyes
She has nothing else
To keep him in her life
The other woman
Knows how to be alone
Busying herself
Whilst not waiting
By the phone
Aching for her lover’s call
She has learnt to accept
One half of an empty bed
Where she alone will sleep
Because she already knows
He is not hers to keep
The other woman
Can only be, for so long
Before her heart becomes
So bruised and broken
And she can bear no more
She’s lived with frustration
She has survived the pain
But one day
The other woman will realise
That she’s lost much more
Than she’s gained
Sharon Carter-Wray
(19thJune 2018)
There will be no more sad days
To make me feel blue
As long as I can think of you
I long to feel your warm embrace
And reach out
To touch your face
I wish I could call you mine
Sharon Carter-Wray
(10thJune 1986)
You come to me
When you feel the urge
When you have that
Burning need for me
That can only be soothed
By what you hunger for
Between my thighs
Your desire and urgency
Has only one goal
And how you reach it
Doesn’t always include me
Your touch does not inspire
Your kisses leave me
With no desire
And as for passion
It is short lived
And soon expires
And when you’re done
You leave me feeling
Used, cold and alone
Lacking the heat
From my internal fire
I want to hear my body sing
As soft fingers play
A tender tune
Running up and down my skin
I want your kisses
In places I can’t reach
I want to be lost in the moment
Not lost in regret
I want to reach heights
I have not felt yet
So you see my darling
I have needs too
Needs, that are not
Being fulfilled by you
Sharon Carter-Wray
(22nd February 2018)
Talk to me
Kiss me
Touch me
Kiss me
Feel me
Kiss me
Touch me
Talk to me
Kiss me
Undress me
Kiss me
Lay on me
Oh boy
Even sex is routine!
Sharon Carter-Wray
(24thNovember 1985)
Was I in love?
Was I close to falling?
Or was I simply mistaken?
I have been so guarded with my heart
For fear of being abused yet again
That I had closed all entry.
But then
Someone came into my life
Woke me up,
And made me feel alive again
Sadly it was only
For a brief moment in time.
When he left
He took a piece of my heart
And my hope along with him…
It is so rare for me
To find someone
That I have such an
Affinity with
And I fear how long it will be
Before I find another.
I am filled with emptiness
A feeling I’ve not known
For some time
It has clouded every
Aspect of my days
He is still so present in my mind
In my dreams and in my heart.
I doubt he even knows of
The wounds he has inflicted
Or the scars he has left behind…
That are still so raw to touch.
Sx
(12th October 2017)
I still think of him
From time to time
He sends pulses
Shooting across my mind
Yet another failure
In a different guise
Why oh why
Did he tell so many lies?
I had looked at him
With dreamy eyes
Still asking questions
Between my sighs
I had too many doubts
My fears proved right
It always happens too late
Will I ever see the light?
They soak up all the glory
Of having all my love
They are captured by the romance
Of roses and white doves
They wonder if I am a maiden
With innocence in my eyes
Or if I am a mermaid
Who teases and ties
They are stunned
By an inner magic
Which is beauty in itself
They wonder how I got myself
On that too high up a shelf
To them, I have
Many romantic notions
Too many out of reach dreams
Because they don’t believe in them
They are dismissed
As useless schemes
But
On a bright starry night
The moon does reflect my glow
But the reasons for my mystery
Is something
No man
Will ever know
Sharon carter-Wray
(30th April 1986)
A long time ago
Something was stolen
Taken away from me
It might have seemed
Of no consequence
At the time
But that little piece
Put a roar and rage
So deep inside of me
The words
To bring me comfort
Have still yet to appear
But they are waiting
I can feel them
They are near
The fragment
That’s still missing
Is needed to make me whole
For I have questions
To ask it, like
Where did it go?
In spite of my age
It left a huge hole
Where darkness
Still prevails
And no light can reach
I have a need in me
That I don’t believe
I can fulfill alone
But he needs to
See my calling
Speak the same tongue
He needs to understand
From where I have come
To see the damaged structure
That lay beneath
To want to be the healer
To bear the golden key
To recognise that he holds
That tiny piece that I so need
To be given back to me
Sharon Carter-Wray
(1stmay 2018)
(A little piece of me that I so need to be released…)