Read me like braille

Close your eyes

And surrender to

Your other senses

Unfasten your mind

And visualise me

In another way

Say nothing

As your fingers travel

Over every dip and curve

Learn

From my response to you

Hear if we are in tune

Caress

Every part of me

Listen closely

To the gasps I inhale

Breathe me in

From the sighs

That I exhale

Let your fingers

Slowly glide over me

As you read my skin

Like braille

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(23rdJanuary 2019)

A temporary distraction…

I feel like I have been caught up in the middle of a tornado for the last few weeks.

I have experienced so many highs and lows, but mainly lows as situations and people around me have caused or added to my sudden chaotic daily life.  I have been feeling the weight of stupid mistakes as well as good decisions, and I have been crippled by the stress of outside forces, that have played a good game, but have only served to try and undermine my intelligence and good nature.

I have not been in the proverbial “good place”, so to speak.

I’m not even sure what triggered this Ferris wheel into action, but I do know that I have learned another great lesson, or should `I say had one reinforced.  Which perhaps was not what I needed at this time, but it happened all the same.  And just like the wheel, I have been spun this way and that, making me feel dizzy with all sorts of different thoughts and emotions going through my mind.

But bad things, happen to nice people…

July was an angry month.  I have had to argue/heatedly debate with so many people, in so many conversations, just because they continually took my kindness and manners for granted.  And I guess I am still feeling angry, because I just can’t understand why people have to behave so badly.  This feeling was the inspiration behind the poem “I’m done”, because I have come to realise that, I just can’t do this with people anymore.

I have been in contact with so many selfish souls of late, that I have feared their traits might rub off on me.  But I can’t decipher if it’s the disappointment, the loss of faith, the being let down or the emotionally attachment that has hurt me the most.  Maybe, it’s a combination of all these things, but there has been this big cloud of confusion hanging over my head, and silently I am still asking the question, “why?”

I feel muddled, emotional, my brain is addled, and physically I am dealing with more pain than I can really bear.

In truth, I am happy within myself.  My personal journey of discovery for last three years has reached a good conclusion. I have closure on many things.  But it would appear that there are still rocks from my not too distant past; that are throwing themselves in front of me to block my onward path.

I am just hoping that writing this is going to press the “RESTART” button, and begin the process of me yet again, getting back up, dusting myself down and hey, you know the rest…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thAugust 2018)

Who am I?

I took a good hard look at myself

And I wasn’t sure what I saw

I don’t look like

A business woman

I don’t look like

A child

I don’t look like

I’ve loved and lost

I don’t look like

I’m unkind

I don’t look like

The lonely sort

I don’t look like

The sort that cries

Why can my face not show

What I feel inside?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thJuly 1986)

 

Home

My whole life

Is within this home

My old friends surround me

We have travelled

Both far and near

Everything

Has a day, a time, a person

Attached to it

As a reason for being here

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thMarch 1986)

Choices

I often wonder

How different

My life would be

If I had made

Some different choices

Would things have

Turned out the same?

Would I still be

The independent woman

That I once was?

Would I still be working

Or have given up

To do my own thing?

Would I have become

The teacher

That I knew I could be?

Would I be the same

If I’d had

A different history?

If I had not

Faced so much misery?

Who would I be

If that first man

Had not spoiled me?

Or my husband not

Ruined me?

If I’d stayed alone

And pursued my dreams?

If I had followed my heart

And not another’s

Reckless schemes?

If I had said “Fuck you”

Instead of “I do”

Just who would I be?

 

Or was I just destined

To have this life

And to be me?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13thJuly 2018)

I’m done

Every man that has been

Or is still in my life

Has abused me

In some way

Physically, emotionally

Or mentally

They have all

Had a part to play

Whether it be my mind, body or soul

It seems there is no end

To the goodness in me

I have been tested

Time and again

I have been made

To feel at fault

Because I value

My own feelings and

Give myself some worth

And even though they can see it

And they know it

They know not

How to appreciate

What stands before them

To them

I am an object

Of sexual desire

I am a means to an end

I am the agony aunt

I am a problem solver

I am the emergency call

But what do I get

In return for doing it all?

For the selling of my soul?

It has become an empty virtue

This kindness in me

But it has served

No purpose other

Than to further

Invalidate me

I can never be the winner

I have lost

Before I can begin

I have been foolish

I have been naïve

Because I believed

They cared for me

But really it was

Because I fulfilled their needs

But now

I am done

I’ve stopped

Drawing the lines –

They’ve been moved

Too many times

This is it

I will not accept

This practice anymore

And for anyone else

Who chooses to

Belittle or reduce me

Who uses or abuses

Mark my words

Nice girl has gone

And I am done.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13th July 2018)

 

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