20. Red Letter Day

Today, I read the last letter I wrote to myself about 4 months ago.  It is the second time I have done this, and I find it an invaluable means of bookmarking my life.

It also useful for measuring if anything has changed, got better or stayed the same.  But it is more importantly, a reminder from myself about a period of time I want to move on from.

I don't care how longIt might sound like a very simple, but writing an open and honest letter to yourself, is a difficult thing to do.  It is hard to put real words to emotions or feelings, that can sometimes be so alien to us, and delving into our inner psyche and soul is not something to take on lightly.  It forces you to acknowledge every aspect of your life, where you’ve been, your current situation, and where you hope to be; and is an opportunity to air it in a safe way.

You can discover so much about yourself and the reasons why you might behave a certain way or have a certain attitude.  So, if you really want to know yourself better, write it down, the good and the bad, then take a good look at it, and really think about it.  You will find answers, but you need to give yourself time, to absorb this new information.

Anyway, back to my letter, I read it this morning and I was quite overwhelmed by the contents.  I remember at the time, I was so in need of nurturing, love and care, I was also in a lot of pain and pretty much lost and alone.

In spite of that, it was a very positive letter, just talking about my future, when I will finally move on from the existence I’ve had and still have now.  It was about recognizing my acceptance of things that I can’t change, and the acknowledgement of the misery I had experienced, and the dreams I still have left.

It was powerful reading.  I was being kind to myself for once. I smiled, and then eventually cried, as I read.  It was a beautiful letter, penned by me, to me.

Only I know of the subtle changes that have taken place over recent months.  I alone, have noted the true power of my self-belief, and my determination to bring about change.What lies behind us

So today I have been reminded, and have been able to measure, that emotionally and psychologically, I have advanced forwards, by quite a distance.

But physically, I am still waiting to move on to my new life.  This is the one thing, for which I have absolutely no control.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7th December 2014)

Update:

Thankfully on 17th April 2015, I finally got what I so needed, I moved into my flat and began the process of getting my life back together again!  Sx ❤️

 

Writing challenge

I was asked to take part in this writing challenge around May/June 2018, and I have to confess that I cannot find the information about the person who nominated me.  I am assuming that he is no longer on this site, and having checked other nominee sites for their response, I have not found anything there either.  It appears I only printed off the last page of his post, which didn’t include his details, and for that I sincerely apologise.

Life got in the way last year, but I always had it in mind to do this, so here goes:

Firstly, I would like to thank the person who nominated me, if you are seeing this please respond so I can thank you properly.  I took it as huge compliment to be invited to to be part of such a challenge, and it certainly made me think.  It was just as hard coming up with responses for these 5 questions, as it was to create 5 new ones.

  1. Where is the most inspiring place I have ever visited?

India

I have always had a fascination with India, but for some reason it was one of those places I never thought I’d never get to.  But literally by chance on the return trip from another holiday, flights were overbooked and as a result we were given 2 x return flights to anywhere the airline went.  And I made the most of the opportunity, and went to the place of my dreams, flying first to Delhi and then on to Goa.  We were staying overnight before our connection the next day, and in the that time we took in as much as we could.

Delhi, is an amazing and overwhelming place to take in, and emotions ran from being in awe of the city to feeling sadness, when seeing how people really had to live.  Seeing how families would maim their own to send them begging from tourists, was not an easy pill to swallow, and it was difficult to un-see.

As soon as you enter the airport, you are struck by the sheer number of people; and when you leave the airport and enter the city, not only is it people, but cars, tuk-tuks, cows, goats, elephants, mopeds and more.  It was no surprise to see mopeds all fully stocked to the hilt, with half a dozen passengers including babes in arms, as well family animals.

The noise hits you with a vengeance, the various smells and aromas certainly tickled the senses.  Delhi is a wash of vibrant colour, from the clothing to the monuments, it was so much more than I imagined, and I am so glad I was able to visit.  But for me, one day was enough, the place was far too busy for a restful break.

I did return to India 3 more times, but went directly to Goa which is a much quieter and calmer place, with a beautiful beach.  That’s the place I fell in love with.

  1. What do I perceive to be my greatest asset?

Integrity

I have to say that it is difficult to choose only one!  I guess I am most proud of the fact that in spite of whatever has happened in my life, I have remained a good, decent, grounded and honest person.   But integrity- doing the right thing regardless, for me is everything.  I hate to see inconsistency in peoples’ behaviour, when it is determined by whether they can be seen or not.  And for me it is the basis as to whether I can truly trust someone, so in turn that’s who I am, I will always do the right thing.  I feel quite confident that most people I know would vouch for me on this.

  1. Who, above anyone else, could I l not live without.

This is a really tough question for me to answer, because I have already lost the people I would name.  I have become so self-reliant, because I have been let down too many times without a second thought.  I have felt this sense of detachment from so many people including family over the years, so I keep my circle very tight.

However, I have a handful of friends who are very dear to me, and I love wholeheartedly.  Even though we are not in each other’s pockets all the time, their existence, is not only important but really matters to me.

 

  1. What drives me to publish content on WP or other platforms?

I have discovered my voice and creativity again, and this time I want to be seen and heard!

The very first blog I created ‘Journey through a painful body and a depressed mind’, was my way of releasing how I felt in the depths of depression, and the full onset of Fibromyalgia and other conditions.  It was not a happy blog, but the intent was to shed light on a subject that was not readily discussed.  It was very raw, honest and personal, and I needed to do to it, because it allowed me to move on.  It eventually came to a point when I looked back at what I’d written over the years, and could see the sadness, anger and agony I’d been in; that’s when I knew I had come an extremely long way.  It was no longer who I was or wanted to be, and for a very long while I stopped writing.

It is very powerful medicine for me, and has helped tremendously with my healing process.  For years I had written, just to release my pent-up feelings, emotions and frustrations, not ever seeing it as a talent or indeed worthy of sharing.  About 15 months ago, something changed.  There was a spark of inspiration, and all my words that had been bottled up came flooding out.  It made me see how much I had missed doing it.

At the same time, I have always used my creative mind to make a variety of beautiful things, that only few people have seen.  I realised that it was all going to waste, or I was, because I had trapped myself in a bubble that wasn’t going to burst.  I initially posted on other poetry sites, but they were too limiting and gave little control or disappeared completely.  It was because of this that I was spurred on to create my new WordPress site, a place where I can showcase everything I do.

I would like to think that by having my site and sharing my written work elsewhere on social media, is an opportunity to be the voice of those that can only feel, but maybe cannot speak.  I am a great advocate for ‘saying it, as it is’, it’s personal and straight from the heart, and I am not afraid to write/speak of my own experiences.

I have suffered in silence for far too long, and swallowed down way too much pain inside; and even if I only touch or inspire one other person, then that makes me so happy!

  1. If I could combine any two super powers to become the ultimate hero or villain, what would they be and how I would utilise them in the modern world?

I would love to have the ability to be able to flit from one place to another and the power to make people visualise the bigger picture; to make them think twice before they act, so they can see the truth of their actions and enable change.

Attitudes have changed so much over the last 20 years, especially when it comes to how women and children are viewed.  Somehow, we became accepting of abuse, only being horrified when something hit the headlines, but now it is rife, and we’re no longer surprised by this kind of behaviour. In fact, in some cases we almost made to go as far as judging the victim first, asking if they possibly deserved it or bought it on themselves.  It is a sad state of affairs, and it is not only women and children, men get abused too, and unfortunately our poor animals also suffer.

I would like to use my powers to show people the real consequences of their thoughtless words, actions and behaviour toward another.  For them to actually see what happens – after, see the real impact they make, the lasting long-term damage and to feel the same pain they may have inflicted.

I know there are some genuinely cruel people in the world, but I would also like to think that most don’t actually intend to go and deliberately hurt someone, but in a fit of rage, anger or whatever, something snaps.

It would be a nice though to be able to step in, and make that person have a flash of the implications of their actions, making them think twice before they do what they’re intending on.

There are many things that seriously need addressing in our world today, social media, rather than bringing people together seems geared to causing conflict instead, and is just another tool to exploit and further reduce people.

I am assuming that I am the only one with these particular special powers, and there is an awful lot of work to do, but I’d like to think that I may get a sidekick or two to join me.  Sx ❤️

My questions are: 

  1. What was the first thing you ever wrote or produced and blogged for the first time, and why did you choose to blog it?
  1. What is number one on your bucket list, and how do you plan to go about getting there or have you got there already?
  1. What in life makes your blood boil or feel really angry?
  1. What has been the best day of your life so far and why?
  1. What about you in particular, would you like most to be remembered for when you pass?

I would like to nominate the following blogs for this challenge:

  1. https://thatsoulshit.wordpress.com
  2. https://franksolanki.com/author/franksolanki/
  3. https://chitkaladitosh.com
  4. https://ankandas.wordpress.com/
  5. https://cristianmihai.net
  6. https://vinzpoetry.wordpress.com/author/onyecheonyeka/
  7. https://grabbablog.wordpress.com/author/virtutecinerea/
  8. https://heartbeatingwings.wordpress.com/author/melbell10/
  9. https://yellowwolfenlightenment.wordpress.com
  10. https://deontetowner.com/

I thoroughly enjoyed writing this, it certainly gave me food for thought!

I hope my nominees will all gladly take part and keep this moving so we’re paying it forward!

So thank you in advance and I look forward to seeing your responses. ❤️

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sat 2nd March 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 5. Happiness

Admittedly, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom this last year, there have been moments when I have felt so happy, nothing could touch me.  That happiness has come from different areas of my life, and it has spurred me on.

It is what I am ultimately seeking, a life that is calm, peaceful, nurturing and relatively stress free.  I don’t think it’s really too much to ask for, but in order to achieve it, I know that I must address the balance and rid myself of the negative factors first.

The first step to that, is to stop taking the responsibility or blame for other peoples’ actions, and to leave them where they belong.

It is also fundamental that I don’t accept people disrespecting me, because it leads to my disrespecting myself, which is definitely wrong on all levels.  As they say:

“Happiness is a state of mind, and not a destination”. 

So, I am going to promise myself that each day, I do something that makes me ‘feel good in my soul’, which can’t be a bad thing!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

 

Update:

I am surprised that this was such a short entry, but it was to the point.  I have felt some real differences in my day to day life, since I decided to shield or walk away from negative people and situations.   In spite of health not being on my side for most of the last 2 years, and having many emotional issues to deal with, I have battled on in search of this one thing.Find yourself

I am pleased to report that now at least my frame of mind is in a good place, and I would say quite whole-heartedly that I am happy.  I closed many doors at the end of last year, and I have since managed to somehow maintain this upbeat attitude and mindset since then.

I know that I still have anger within me, but I also know that I am right to feel that anger. 

I will no longer make excuses or be quick to forgive other peoples’ shortfalls, if they know, they should really know better.

After years of being made to feel worthless, I have finally realised my true worth, and no one can take that away from me.  Never again, will I allow anyone to make me question my own integrity or make me feel bad about who I am as a person.  Sx ❤️

Artwork by me: I am enough

Poetry: I keep that beast inside

(Tues 26th February 2019)

 

 

 

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