Why do I feel this way?

I have been taken back

To a time and place

That I would rather

Not remember

Or have a place for

In my broken heart

I’ve been made to feel a feeling

That I never wanted

To experience or

To acknowledge again

Once in my lifetime was enough

In fact it was

Once too much

I have been reminded

Of my value

In someone else’s eyes

Whilst knowing that

I am worth so much more

If only they could see

What they’re missing

That’s not so deep within me

Why do I feel this way?

May be because I have

Gone against my better judgement

May be, because I needed

To know for sure

But one thing is certain

I can return to that place

No more.

Sharon carter-Wray

(12th November 2017)

 

 

Letting go: 6. Intuition

“I was blessed with this gift, and it has never let me down, if I’ve made a bad choice it’s usually because I have ignored my gut instinct, when I should have known better”. 

I have believed for a long time that not everything is worth fighting for, and I have spilt enough blood and wasted too much time already battling unwinnable or futile causes.

I say this is a gift, because I have the uncanny ability to be able to see through other people’s problems, and guide them on what the real issues are.  I am able to explore different angles and perspectives, and untangle the real mysteries behind their problems.  I have people who lean on me for this, but it isn’t something I am always thanked for, as not everyone has a stomach for my brutal candor, but it’s what they come for.  They come to me for truth, and that’s exactly what I give them, and somehow, I seem to manage to get right down to the roots of the problem and at least open their minds to reason or a different level of understanding.

I never speak ‘off the top of my head’, and I am always able to back up what I say with good reason.  It’s as though I go deep into the recesses of my mind and can draw on an experience from somewhere in my past, that is relevant. 

Maybe that’s why I seldom confide in others, because somewhere I know the answer already exists in me, I just have to think it through.  I firmly believe that in my life, no matter what the situation is, I have already dealt with far worse and come through it. 

My comtemplation stonesThis way of thinking has kept me positive, and made me feel so much stronger.  This is why writing is so important to me, this is my way of sorting through the muddle in my mind, and seeing it in black and white print.  Writing gives me clarity, like solving a mathematical equation.  It allows me to explore my thoughts, and to be picked up and carried away with them, so I can deal with my demons and dilemmas.  From an early age it was a skill that gave me some form of comfort and expression, and it is one I cannot do without.

Intuition has protected me, prepared me and given me such an understanding of who I really am, and who others are too.  But there have been times, I have mistakenly given others the benefit of the doubt, and have got burnt fingers for the privilege.

At least I now know to never ignore it again!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I can think of so many occasions when my intuition has served me so well in the last few years.  My ability to read between the lines and see behinds the scenes, has saved me from much unnecessary angst and misery.  I have learned to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me, or have no sense of feel-good about them.

00948-in2bthe2bendI have steadfastly stuck by this, and in turn my state of mind and life have improved, my self-confidence and belief in my talents have blossomed and I actually feel quite happy.

I want and need for nothing that money can buy, and in my eyes, it’s a wonderful place to be.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 17th March 2019)

 

 

 

 

20. Red Letter Day

Today, I read the last letter I wrote to myself about 4 months ago.  It is the second time I have done this, and I find it an invaluable means of bookmarking my life.

It also useful for measuring if anything has changed, got better or stayed the same.  But it is more importantly, a reminder from myself about a period of time I want to move on from.

I don't care how longIt might sound like a very simple, but writing an open and honest letter to yourself, is a difficult thing to do.  It is hard to put real words to emotions or feelings, that can sometimes be so alien to us, and delving into our inner psyche and soul is not something to take on lightly.  It forces you to acknowledge every aspect of your life, where you’ve been, your current situation, and where you hope to be; and is an opportunity to air it in a safe way.

You can discover so much about yourself and the reasons why you might behave a certain way or have a certain attitude.  So, if you really want to know yourself better, write it down, the good and the bad, then take a good look at it, and really think about it.  You will find answers, but you need to give yourself time, to absorb this new information.

Anyway, back to my letter, I read it this morning and I was quite overwhelmed by the contents.  I remember at the time, I was so in need of nurturing, love and care, I was also in a lot of pain and pretty much lost and alone.

In spite of that, it was a very positive letter, just talking about my future, when I will finally move on from the existence I’ve had and still have now.  It was about recognizing my acceptance of things that I can’t change, and the acknowledgement of the misery I had experienced, and the dreams I still have left.

It was powerful reading.  I was being kind to myself for once. I smiled, and then eventually cried, as I read.  It was a beautiful letter, penned by me, to me.

Only I know of the subtle changes that have taken place over recent months.  I alone, have noted the true power of my self-belief, and my determination to bring about change.What lies behind us

So today I have been reminded, and have been able to measure, that emotionally and psychologically, I have advanced forwards, by quite a distance.

But physically, I am still waiting to move on to my new life.  This is the one thing, for which I have absolutely no control.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(7th December 2014)

Update:

Thankfully on 17th April 2015, I finally got what I so needed, I moved into my flat and began the process of getting my life back together again!  Sx ❤️

 

Be your own woman 2

My contribution to International Women’s Day! Sx ❤️

Be your own woman 2

Be your own woman 2

Be your own woman

Not the one

The world tells you to be.

Be your own woman

The one you were raised to be

Stand proud and tall

Take your place

Don’t look down to your feet

Be your own woman

Know your own mind

Be independent and free

Speak your own truth

Know that you are enough

That you are complete

Be your own woman

Be a queen, not a lioness

Seek nothing but the best

But remember at all times

You owe back nothing less

Be your own woman

Be feminine

And full of grace

Understand there is

More to beauty

Than just your face

Be your own woman

Love openly and deep

Do what you need to do

To lift up and

Praise your sisters

As they would do you

Be you own woman

Be mighty and strong

Recognise your power

And the moments

When you should lead

So be your own woman

And not the one

The world tells you to be

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Fri 8thMarch 2019)

International women’s days

 

 

Give me one good reason

Give me one good reason

Why I shouldn’t have

Give up on you?

Turned my back, walked away

Started over anew?

Give me one good reason

Why I should still give my time

To listen as you share

Your woes and dreams

Even though you won’t hear

One word that I speak?

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve spent my time

Living in your shadow

Being unnoticed and

Blocked by your shade

Because you couldn’t let me shine?

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve stayed

When everything around

Told me to leave

Your silence may have quietly

Wanted me to remain

But it’s in your words and actions

That I truly believe?

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve believed in you

While you still have so little

Faith in yourself?

You’re driven by a fury

There’s no room for anything else

Give me one good reason

Why I should’ve loved you

Laid myself out, bare on a plate?

You had your turn, you picked over me

Then pushed me to one side

You had my love once

And now it’s just too late

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Tues 26th February 2019)

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