Letting go: 6. Intuition

“I was blessed with this gift, and it has never let me down, if I’ve made a bad choice it’s usually because I have ignored my gut instinct, when I should have known better”. 

I have believed for a long time that not everything is worth fighting for, and I have spilt enough blood and wasted too much time already battling unwinnable or futile causes.

I say this is a gift, because I have the uncanny ability to be able to see through other people’s problems, and guide them on what the real issues are.  I am able to explore different angles and perspectives, and untangle the real mysteries behind their problems.  I have people who lean on me for this, but it isn’t something I am always thanked for, as not everyone has a stomach for my brutal candor, but it’s what they come for.  They come to me for truth, and that’s exactly what I give them, and somehow, I seem to manage to get right down to the roots of the problem and at least open their minds to reason or a different level of understanding.

I never speak ‘off the top of my head’, and I am always able to back up what I say with good reason.  It’s as though I go deep into the recesses of my mind and can draw on an experience from somewhere in my past, that is relevant. 

Maybe that’s why I seldom confide in others, because somewhere I know the answer already exists in me, I just have to think it through.  I firmly believe that in my life, no matter what the situation is, I have already dealt with far worse and come through it. 

My comtemplation stonesThis way of thinking has kept me positive, and made me feel so much stronger.  This is why writing is so important to me, this is my way of sorting through the muddle in my mind, and seeing it in black and white print.  Writing gives me clarity, like solving a mathematical equation.  It allows me to explore my thoughts, and to be picked up and carried away with them, so I can deal with my demons and dilemmas.  From an early age it was a skill that gave me some form of comfort and expression, and it is one I cannot do without.

Intuition has protected me, prepared me and given me such an understanding of who I really am, and who others are too.  But there have been times, I have mistakenly given others the benefit of the doubt, and have got burnt fingers for the privilege.

At least I now know to never ignore it again!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I can think of so many occasions when my intuition has served me so well in the last few years.  My ability to read between the lines and see behinds the scenes, has saved me from much unnecessary angst and misery.  I have learned to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me, or have no sense of feel-good about them.

00948-in2bthe2bendI have steadfastly stuck by this, and in turn my state of mind and life have improved, my self-confidence and belief in my talents have blossomed and I actually feel quite happy.

I want and need for nothing that money can buy, and in my eyes, it’s a wonderful place to be.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 17th March 2019)

 

 

 

 

I’ll be back…

Hey there readers and followers,

Just a quick note to say sorry I’ve been away for a while, but just having a few crappy/crazy weeks, with the icing on the cake being my computer being hacked a week ago!

So thanks to all that have kept visiting in my absence, I’ll be back up and running again as soon as I can.  Sx 🙂

 

Why hide your love?

There is too much

Hate in this world

It’s what we’ve been taught

To somehow feel superior

To anything that differs

To our supposed ‘norm’

Standards are set

At an early age

Being blindly led

As we pick up the

Breadcrumbs of ignorance

Left by them gone ahead

The opposite

Of love is not hate

It’s indifference –

Having no care at all

It is a hard world

That we live in

But it’s one that

Was created by man

Each person we meet

Is a natural twin

Albeit wearing a different

Colour or shade of skin

We shamelessly compare

We gauge ourselves

By another’s worth

The house, the car

The clothes on our backs

When in truth it’s the

Simple things that we need

But so clearly lack

There is a social

Ladder for us to climb

And competition is rife

But do we really need

This kind of daily struggle

In our lives?

We are taught

To believe what we see

Our new Lord

Is now a 52 inch screen

Fed by politicians

Or computers games

Happy to give us

More ammunition

And point the snarly

Fingers of blame

Discard the papers

Turn off the TV

Use your ears to hear

And your eyes to see

Don’t be seduced

By inciteful fallacies

It taints your mind

And blackens your soul

Is it any wonder

That we never feel whole?

Lose the hate and instead

Seek out the love

Be thankful, be grateful

Feel blessed with what you hold

And what you have

When the cross gets heavy

Uplift another’s heart

In the only way

You know you should

By turn you’ll feel proud

And feel oh so good

You are one of many

And your voice alone

Might not be heard

But one plus one

And the numbers will grow

Uphold integrity

Spread humility

In any shape or form

And soon you will reap

Exactly what you sow

Laugh, sing and dance

Enjoy life and live

Because after all

Love is the only thing

We freely have to give

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thMay 2018)

4. Retracing my steps

After the realisation of how little my employers cared for me hit home, it made me look at my career to date.  I was always after self-betterment and I had wanted a ladder to climb, to achieve things.  But, I now know that all my employers had seen that trait in me, knew my ambition and had wanted to make the most of me, while they had me.

I spent 10 years of my life travelling the length and breadth of this country, doing store openings or refits for major retailers.  Each time, staying away from home for months at a time, until a job was completed. After that I would finally return home or go onto the next job.  It was not an easy job by any means, it was 12 hours a day or night, seven days a week, for up to 3 months at a time; living in some hotel or B&B.

After a couple of years I was no longer doing the groundwork, I was a team coordinator, organising and managing a team of up to 35 people.  I was responsible for making sure that the job was done well and done right on which ever shift I was working on.  My colleague and I, who covered the other shift, were accountable if things went wrong, after all time is always equivalent to money.

After that, I began to run the jobs, organising my teams, sorting transport and accommodation, interviewing and recruiting new staff, dealing direct with the clients, and still travelling to do site visits, which was always rife with some complaint or other, which I had to deal with.  When I was not in the office, which was the majority of the time, I would be in my car and it became a very lonely job.

With a team of core people, plus locally employed general assistants, we worked hard and played hard.  I used to say:

“that it took a strange breed of fish to do the job, either people were running away from something; or they were trying to find something”.

I am still not sure which category I fell into, but eventually the need arose for me to find a permanent place, where I could finally hang my hat, and empty my suitcase.

This coincided with the death of my brother, who had been very ill for years.  It was at that point, that I knew that I had to move on.  I had always said to myself, that by the age of 30, I wanted to own my first home, and have real independence, and a few days short of my 30th birthday I finally managed to achieve just that.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(9thSeptember 2011)

Note:  It is only now when I look back, I realise that buying my first home on my own back then, really was a big achievement.  But for me, it was something that came naturally and I just took it in my stride.  Sx 🙂

 

Where to now?

I have crossed many oceans

I have sailed many seas

Still searching and seeking

My far away dreams

Though they may have slightly changed

They are still

Basically the same

The promises that I made

Are still there unbroken

And the ambitions

I sought to achieve

Are still there

Able to bend and stretch

I crave love, romance and tenderness

All the things

That still remain

Just out of my reach

 

I’ve yearned many years

For a man who could

Give and take

My kind of genuine love

I have waited to find a man

That my heart can fall for

But he is nowhere to be seen

And none so far

Can yield to me

The simple things and joy

That would make me happy

 

I used to believe

That maybe

If I sacrificed part

Of what I seek

In time, the rest

Would come to me

But now I know

What isn’t there

Never will be

No matter how much

Of myself I give or take

It will only increase my pain

 

And so I still question

Am I wrong to want

Such simple things?

Or if indeed I am

Simply just wrong…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Originally written 24thSeptember 1991)

Updated 19thMay 2018

Now that we are women

Summer is nearly over

And my sister is coming home

It’s many years

Since she’s been gone

I feel as close to her

As I ever did

As if she never went away

How will I react

At our first meeting?

What will I have to say?

Will I hug her dearly?

Will tears come to my eyes?

Like the time we said

Our last goodbyes?

Will I tell her

Of what my life was like,

To what it is now?

Retracing all the years

Since we parted?

Should I tell her

Of all my loves

How they left me

Broken hearted?

Will she love me

As I was, or as I am

Now that we are women?

We have seen and done

So many things between us

Will we still identify

With each other’s feelings?

I hope that we still are

Each other’s child

For we have travelled far

Together,

But

In different worlds.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(4thAugust 1986)

2. What happened next..

The day my body said “enough!”….

I remember it all so clearly.  That morning when I went to work, I could feel the tension and anxiety building up in me, as I walked down that long corridor to the office where I worked.  I was physically unstable, I was short of breath and I knew my blood pressure was rising, I knew something was wrong.

By the time I sat at my desk, I felt exhausted, I couldn’t think straight, and at that point I knew I had to see my doctor.  So, I told to my team leader, that I wasn’t feeling too good and needed to go to the doctors.  I got an appointment for an hour later.  However, as soon as I put the phone down, the panic attack kicked in.  I found myself gasping for air, burning up, with shooting pains in my chest.  I was terrified of what was happening to me.  But my team leader, didn’t get me an first aider,  didn’t take me to my doctors, or call an ambulance, she drove me home!  It was then down to my husband to take me to the doctors.

Crying is how your heart speaks...
Only someone who’s felt real pain could have written this!

As soon as we arrived, I was wired up, attached to a machine, which thankfully confirmed that I wasn’t suffering from a heart attack, but it did show that my blood pressure was a dangerous level.

After about an hour, I finally calmed down enough to see my doctor, who diagnosed depression, gave me some strong tranquilisers and signed me off for 2 weeks.  During that time, I got to know my sofa very well, I hardly spoke or did anything else for that matter.  I never did get back to work.

That one day changed the rest of my life, and even now when I think about it, it still hurts.  It was a very scary and painful event, but I also have to admit that it was perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me.  As it made me slow right down and take a good long hard look at my life.  I was no longer that strong, confident, straight talking person, I had instead become a delicate and fragile being.

After a few weeks of being off, the local authority that I worked for referred me to Occupational Health and also appointed a Counsellor for me to see.  Now, I have completed a Counselling course, and I know the rules about the client/Counsellor relationship.  My God, that woman they sent me to see broke every single one of them.  She didn’t listen to me, but instead talked too much, she was opinionated and tried to offer advice.  She opened up a whole can of worms and had no idea how to deal with the contents.  I was so glad when the six weeks were finally up and that I didn’t fully open up with her.

I think we’ve all been here at some point…

It took me a couple of years before I before I really started to talk again, I had become so quiet and withdrawn, I hardly recognised myself.  I gave into the idea that if no one actually listened to me, then I had nothing to say.  And the so called do-gooders, who always thought they knew the answer to my illness, was one by one struck off the list of people I cared for or cared for me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but later learned that depression makes you lose your confidence, and restricts the ability to do simple things like food shopping, driving a car, getting on a train, being with lots of people just to name a few things.  It can also last for years, can affect anyone young or old, and is caused by a variety of issues.  But most importantly it takes away the desire to do, and the pleasure away from anything you might normally enjoy.  It is like walking around with your own personal black cloud constantly over your head, everything loses its colour and just turns grey.

I hope that my fellow sufferers, who may be reading this, will agree with this description, because the list is extensive and this is just a brief overview.

I have often described it as being at the top of a series of steps.

Depression

Most people will suffer from some sort of depression at some time in their life, and will only fall down the first step or two; so it’s pretty easy to get back up to the top.  But when you’re clinically depressed (falling down the rabbit hole), you fall down many, many steps, maybe right down into the abyss.  That’s when it’s a real struggle to get back up, yet alone begin the climb back up the steps.

Again, I can really only comment on my experience, but somehow, I believe that others like me are nodding their heads.  Chronic depression is a real illness caused by a chemical imbalance, and so it is important to understand, that when you are suffering with it, you cannot get over it on your own.  You need to have medical intervention, you need all the help you can get and not be deterred by pill-hating well wishers, who have absolutely no idea of what you are dealing with.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(22ndJuly 2011)

I am not that girl

I’m not the girl

I used to be

Too many things

Have marred my

Innocence and purity

The view point

That I hold of the world

Has been gained

By seeing with my eyes

And using my ears

But more than that

I have learned

By the injustice

And the mental cruelty

That has been shown to me

Life has given me

Many lessons to learn

All presented

In a manner left to confuse

With questions

But no answers

Just a need to conclude

Never have I asked

“Why me?”

And never will those words

Ever come from me

I have been moulded

By my search for love

And I have been worn down

By so much loss

Not just by death

But life itself

As pieces of me

Are stripped away

Leaving me bare

Naked and alone

But in spite of that

I am still strong

Still a warrior

Still fighting on

Whatever it was

That was holding me

Right now

I am indeed physically free

In mind, in spirit

Of all those chains

That have entangled me

My past, is where should be

In a box that grows

Smaller every day

Hidden out of sight

So it doesn’t get in my way

All the anger and hurt

And the painful truths

That had once

Weighed me down

Now form the sparkly pieces

That I wear as my crown

 

I am not the girl

I used to be

She is just a distant memory

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(27thApril 2018)

 

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