Coming full circle

Coming full circle

 

I am coming full circle

I’d thought I’d seen it all

I’d thought I’d served my time

But instead, each time it seems

There is something else new

For me still to learn

Something new

That when revealed

Blackens once colourful souls

 

I am coming full circle

I am a fool no more

Where once I might have

Given my heart freely

It now remains reserved

Unwilling to be touched

Until it has been heard

She knows her own worth

And she has only known

Such pain

So much so

She refuses to be hurt

In that same way again

 

I am coming full circle

But the fools come and go

Trying to deceive me

But none of them gain access

Because none of them

Really get ‘me’

They want to treat me

Like I am some whore

But I know they see

That I am a so much more

 

I am coming full circle

But this is just going

Through the motions

I know I will find the one

That is truly meant to be mine

But for the moment

I will play this game

But I will not

Suffer these fools gladly

Or believe my search

Is in vain.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(5th August 2017)

Calling all readers!

The time has come for me to reach out to you, my readers around the world, and ask for you for some assistance.

It’s been over a year now since I created abeautifulmindonline, and in that time I have tweaked and played around with layouts, colours and fonts etc, and I would like to say that I am happy with the results so far.  But, I am not really the person that matters… you are!

I am always very grateful and thankful for everyone who reads and/or likes & comments on any of my posts and I also appreciate your time.

So my dear readers, I am asking if you would be willing to spend a few more moments of your time, just to add a comment or two about your visit to my site?  I am looking in particular to find out:

  • If the fonts, colours and layout work for you
  • If it’s easy on the eye
  • If it’s easy to find your way around
  • If any links etc. don’t work
  • Better tagging ideas
  • And any recommendations/suggestions for changes or improvements

I do hope that you can spare the time to participate with this request, as it will help me to get things right.thank-701985_640

Many thanks in advance, and I’ll look forward to seeing your comments.  Sx ❤️

 

Letting go: 6. Intuition

“I was blessed with this gift, and it has never let me down, if I’ve made a bad choice it’s usually because I have ignored my gut instinct, when I should have known better”. 

I have believed for a long time that not everything is worth fighting for, and I have spilt enough blood and wasted too much time already battling unwinnable or futile causes.

I say this is a gift, because I have the uncanny ability to be able to see through other people’s problems, and guide them on what the real issues are.  I am able to explore different angles and perspectives, and untangle the real mysteries behind their problems.  I have people who lean on me for this, but it isn’t something I am always thanked for, as not everyone has a stomach for my brutal candor, but it’s what they come for.  They come to me for truth, and that’s exactly what I give them, and somehow, I seem to manage to get right down to the roots of the problem and at least open their minds to reason or a different level of understanding.

I never speak ‘off the top of my head’, and I am always able to back up what I say with good reason.  It’s as though I go deep into the recesses of my mind and can draw on an experience from somewhere in my past, that is relevant. 

Maybe that’s why I seldom confide in others, because somewhere I know the answer already exists in me, I just have to think it through.  I firmly believe that in my life, no matter what the situation is, I have already dealt with far worse and come through it. 

My comtemplation stonesThis way of thinking has kept me positive, and made me feel so much stronger.  This is why writing is so important to me, this is my way of sorting through the muddle in my mind, and seeing it in black and white print.  Writing gives me clarity, like solving a mathematical equation.  It allows me to explore my thoughts, and to be picked up and carried away with them, so I can deal with my demons and dilemmas.  From an early age it was a skill that gave me some form of comfort and expression, and it is one I cannot do without.

Intuition has protected me, prepared me and given me such an understanding of who I really am, and who others are too.  But there have been times, I have mistakenly given others the benefit of the doubt, and have got burnt fingers for the privilege.

At least I now know to never ignore it again!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st December 2016)

Update:

I can think of so many occasions when my intuition has served me so well in the last few years.  My ability to read between the lines and see behinds the scenes, has saved me from much unnecessary angst and misery.  I have learned to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me, or have no sense of feel-good about them.

00948-in2bthe2bendI have steadfastly stuck by this, and in turn my state of mind and life have improved, my self-confidence and belief in my talents have blossomed and I actually feel quite happy.

I want and need for nothing that money can buy, and in my eyes, it’s a wonderful place to be.  Sx ❤️

(Sunday 17th March 2019)

 

 

 

 

I’ll be back…

Hey there readers and followers,

Just a quick note to say sorry I’ve been away for a while, but just having a few crappy/crazy weeks, with the icing on the cake being my computer being hacked a week ago!

So thanks to all that have kept visiting in my absence, I’ll be back up and running again as soon as I can.  Sx 🙂

 

Why hide your love?

There is too much

Hate in this world

It’s what we’ve been taught

To somehow feel superior

To anything that differs

To our supposed ‘norm’

Standards are set

At an early age

Being blindly led

As we pick up the

Breadcrumbs of ignorance

Left by them gone ahead

The opposite

Of love is not hate

It’s indifference –

Having no care at all

It is a hard world

That we live in

But it’s one that

Was created by man

Each person we meet

Is a natural twin

Albeit wearing a different

Colour or shade of skin

We shamelessly compare

We gauge ourselves

By another’s worth

The house, the car

The clothes on our backs

When in truth it’s the

Simple things that we need

But so clearly lack

There is a social

Ladder for us to climb

And competition is rife

But do we really need

This kind of daily struggle

In our lives?

We are taught

To believe what we see

Our new Lord

Is now a 52 inch screen

Fed by politicians

Or computers games

Happy to give us

More ammunition

And point the snarly

Fingers of blame

Discard the papers

Turn off the TV

Use your ears to hear

And your eyes to see

Don’t be seduced

By inciteful fallacies

It taints your mind

And blackens your soul

Is it any wonder

That we never feel whole?

Lose the hate and instead

Seek out the love

Be thankful, be grateful

Feel blessed with what you hold

And what you have

When the cross gets heavy

Uplift another’s heart

In the only way

You know you should

By turn you’ll feel proud

And feel oh so good

You are one of many

And your voice alone

Might not be heard

But one plus one

And the numbers will grow

Uphold integrity

Spread humility

In any shape or form

And soon you will reap

Exactly what you sow

Laugh, sing and dance

Enjoy life and live

Because after all

Love is the only thing

We freely have to give

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thMay 2018)

4. Retracing my steps

After the realisation of how little my employers cared for me hit home, it made me look at my career to date.  I was always after self-betterment and I had wanted a ladder to climb, to achieve things.  But, I now know that all my employers had seen that trait in me, knew my ambition and had wanted to make the most of me, while they had me.

I spent 10 years of my life travelling the length and breadth of this country, doing store openings or refits for major retailers.  Each time, staying away from home for months at a time, until a job was completed. After that I would finally return home or go onto the next job.  It was not an easy job by any means, it was 12 hours a day or night, seven days a week, for up to 3 months at a time; living in some hotel or B&B.

After a couple of years I was no longer doing the groundwork, I was a team coordinator, organising and managing a team of up to 35 people.  I was responsible for making sure that the job was done well and done right on which ever shift I was working on.  My colleague and I, who covered the other shift, were accountable if things went wrong, after all time is always equivalent to money.

After that, I began to run the jobs, organising my teams, sorting transport and accommodation, interviewing and recruiting new staff, dealing direct with the clients, and still travelling to do site visits, which was always rife with some complaint or other, which I had to deal with.  When I was not in the office, which was the majority of the time, I would be in my car and it became a very lonely job.

With a team of core people, plus locally employed general assistants, we worked hard and played hard.  I used to say:

“that it took a strange breed of fish to do the job, either people were running away from something; or they were trying to find something”.

I am still not sure which category I fell into, but eventually the need arose for me to find a permanent place, where I could finally hang my hat, and empty my suitcase.

This coincided with the death of my brother, who had been very ill for years.  It was at that point, that I knew that I had to move on.  I had always said to myself, that by the age of 30, I wanted to own my first home, and have real independence, and a few days short of my 30th birthday I finally managed to achieve just that.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(9thSeptember 2011)

Note:  It is only now when I look back, I realise that buying my first home on my own back then, really was a big achievement.  But for me, it was something that came naturally and I just took it in my stride.  Sx 🙂

 

Where to now?

I have crossed many oceans

I have sailed many seas

Still searching and seeking

My far away dreams

Though they may have slightly changed

They are still

Basically the same

The promises that I made

Are still there unbroken

And the ambitions

I sought to achieve

Are still there

Able to bend and stretch

I crave love, romance and tenderness

All the things

That still remain

Just out of my reach

 

I’ve yearned many years

For a man who could

Give and take

My kind of genuine love

I have waited to find a man

That my heart can fall for

But he is nowhere to be seen

And none so far

Can yield to me

The simple things and joy

That would make me happy

 

I used to believe

That maybe

If I sacrificed part

Of what I seek

In time, the rest

Would come to me

But now I know

What isn’t there

Never will be

No matter how much

Of myself I give or take

It will only increase my pain

 

And so I still question

Am I wrong to want

Such simple things?

Or if indeed I am

Simply just wrong…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Originally written 24thSeptember 1991)

Updated 19thMay 2018

Now that we are women

Summer is nearly over

And my sister is coming home

It’s many years

Since she’s been gone

I feel as close to her

As I ever did

As if she never went away

How will I react

At our first meeting?

What will I have to say?

Will I hug her dearly?

Will tears come to my eyes?

Like the time we said

Our last goodbyes?

Will I tell her

Of what my life was like,

To what it is now?

Retracing all the years

Since we parted?

Should I tell her

Of all my loves

How they left me

Broken hearted?

Will she love me

As I was, or as I am

Now that we are women?

We have seen and done

So many things between us

Will we still identify

With each other’s feelings?

I hope that we still are

Each other’s child

For we have travelled far

Together,

But

In different worlds.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(4thAugust 1986)

2. What happened next..

The day my body said “enough!”….

I remember it all so clearly.  That morning when I went to work, I could feel the tension and anxiety building up in me, as I walked down that long corridor to the office where I worked.  I was physically unstable, I was short of breath and I knew my blood pressure was rising, I knew something was wrong.

By the time I sat at my desk, I felt exhausted, I couldn’t think straight, and at that point I knew I had to see my doctor.  So, I told to my team leader, that I wasn’t feeling too good and needed to go to the doctors.  I got an appointment for an hour later.  However, as soon as I put the phone down, the panic attack kicked in.  I found myself gasping for air, burning up, with shooting pains in my chest.  I was terrified of what was happening to me.  But my team leader, didn’t get me an first aider,  didn’t take me to my doctors, or call an ambulance, she drove me home!  It was then down to my husband to take me to the doctors.

Crying is how your heart speaks...
Only someone who’s felt real pain could have written this!

As soon as we arrived, I was wired up, attached to a machine, which thankfully confirmed that I wasn’t suffering from a heart attack, but it did show that my blood pressure was a dangerous level.

After about an hour, I finally calmed down enough to see my doctor, who diagnosed depression, gave me some strong tranquilisers and signed me off for 2 weeks.  During that time, I got to know my sofa very well, I hardly spoke or did anything else for that matter.  I never did get back to work.

That one day changed the rest of my life, and even now when I think about it, it still hurts.  It was a very scary and painful event, but I also have to admit that it was perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me.  As it made me slow right down and take a good long hard look at my life.  I was no longer that strong, confident, straight talking person, I had instead become a delicate and fragile being.

After a few weeks of being off, the local authority that I worked for referred me to Occupational Health and also appointed a Counsellor for me to see.  Now, I have completed a Counselling course, and I know the rules about the client/Counsellor relationship.  My God, that woman they sent me to see broke every single one of them.  She didn’t listen to me, but instead talked too much, she was opinionated and tried to offer advice.  She opened up a whole can of worms and had no idea how to deal with the contents.  I was so glad when the six weeks were finally up and that I didn’t fully open up with her.

I think we’ve all been here at some point…

It took me a couple of years before I before I really started to talk again, I had become so quiet and withdrawn, I hardly recognised myself.  I gave into the idea that if no one actually listened to me, then I had nothing to say.  And the so called do-gooders, who always thought they knew the answer to my illness, was one by one struck off the list of people I cared for or cared for me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but later learned that depression makes you lose your confidence, and restricts the ability to do simple things like food shopping, driving a car, getting on a train, being with lots of people just to name a few things.  It can also last for years, can affect anyone young or old, and is caused by a variety of issues.  But most importantly it takes away the desire to do, and the pleasure away from anything you might normally enjoy.  It is like walking around with your own personal black cloud constantly over your head, everything loses its colour and just turns grey.

I hope that my fellow sufferers, who may be reading this, will agree with this description, because the list is extensive and this is just a brief overview.

I have often described it as being at the top of a series of steps.

Depression

Most people will suffer from some sort of depression at some time in their life, and will only fall down the first step or two; so it’s pretty easy to get back up to the top.  But when you’re clinically depressed (falling down the rabbit hole), you fall down many, many steps, maybe right down into the abyss.  That’s when it’s a real struggle to get back up, yet alone begin the climb back up the steps.

Again, I can really only comment on my experience, but somehow, I believe that others like me are nodding their heads.  Chronic depression is a real illness caused by a chemical imbalance, and so it is important to understand, that when you are suffering with it, you cannot get over it on your own.  You need to have medical intervention, you need all the help you can get and not be deterred by pill-hating well wishers, who have absolutely no idea of what you are dealing with.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(22ndJuly 2011)

I am not that girl

I’m not the girl

I used to be

Too many things

Have marred my

Innocence and purity

The view point

That I hold of the world

Has been gained

By seeing with my eyes

And using my ears

But more than that

I have learned

By the injustice

And the mental cruelty

That has been shown to me

Life has given me

Many lessons to learn

All presented

In a manner left to confuse

With questions

But no answers

Just a need to conclude

Never have I asked

“Why me?”

And never will those words

Ever come from me

I have been moulded

By my search for love

And I have been worn down

By so much loss

Not just by death

But life itself

As pieces of me

Are stripped away

Leaving me bare

Naked and alone

But in spite of that

I am still strong

Still a warrior

Still fighting on

Whatever it was

That was holding me

Right now

I am indeed physically free

In mind, in spirit

Of all those chains

That have entangled me

My past, is where should be

In a box that grows

Smaller every day

Hidden out of sight

So it doesn’t get in my way

All the anger and hurt

And the painful truths

That had once

Weighed me down

Now form the sparkly pieces

That I wear as my crown

 

I am not the girl

I used to be

She is just a distant memory

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(27thApril 2018)

 

Ready to love again

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

You never believed

You’d have it so good again

But loving you was painful

You brought me to my knees

Your love of me

Just meant I had to leave

How come those 3 words

Were so easy to fall from your lips,

When I believed that showing you

was so much better instead?

 

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

You made feel so empty inside

You left me feeling cold

Your love was very public

You liked to own me, so I was off bounds

But what did you do to ever keep me,

To make me feel safe and sound?

You stopped caring for me

And in turn ‘true’ love left too

You filled your life with other passions

One’s more important than your bride

So what was I to do,

But quietly die inside?

 

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

You took me for granted,

Never believing that I might leave

You thought I’d stay forever

Be contented with my lot

But you’d stripped me down naked

Naked to my bones

You took nearly everything I’ve got

And even then, it still wasn’t enough.

 

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

I once was your queen,

And once you treated me as such

But then suddenly you stopped

And replaced me with other things to love

How was I to compete with that?

There was nothing left that I had

You made me feel unlovable

When you didn’t see me, anymore

You left me with a hollow heart

You emptied out my soul

 

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

But I will be a queen again

This I feel for sure

And even through my doubting hours

I know I will love again

And next time I will love more

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(1stJune 2015)

 

 

 

 

Loyalty

I am more of a friend to you

Than you’ll ever know

In all these years

I have brought laughter

Into your life

When you needed it most

And when you wanted

To shed your tears

My shoulder has always been there

If you wanted to speak

I have been your ears

When you needed something to batter

In your verbal temper or rage

I have taken the brunt

Of your every blow

When your life

Has been filled with gloom

I have given you flowers

To colour your days

Never have I turned

My back on you

Or walked away

When you have been

Hurting inside

I tried to take a share

Of your pain

Though you may not know this

I have always been there

Many times you have hurt me

Cut me to my soul

By denying me from

Any place in your heart

But never have I once

Complained saying that

I deserved to be there

Many times you hurt me

By your cold

Unthoughtful words

And never have I replied

In the same way

To hurt you back

Many times you have hurt me

When you talk of me

Like some casual acquaintance

 

If that is all I mean to you

Then I am more of a friend

Than you’ll ever know

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(30th October 1990)

A brief history… Where it all began – July 2011

Hey there,

Let me introduce myself to those of you that do not already know me.  My name is Sharon, and I have just recently turned 46; I have been married for eight years; I have no children of my own, but I do have 2 cats, 1 dog and a very well loved and cuddled teddy bear, and all have proved to be absolute lifesavers at various times in my life.  Sixteen years ago, I lost one of my brothers, and then two years ago, two months apart, I lost my mum and one of my sisters.  Since then, life really has not been, and will not be the same again.

You have everything in you

I wouldn’t like to state a time and date, when my depression really began, but I do know it was well before it was diagnosed, just over 8 years ago.  When I was told what the problem was, I was completely shocked, and no doubt said and thought the same things as many others before me “depressed?  I’m not depressed I am just tired and worn out!” I hadn’t realised it at the time, but later when I had a chance to really review my life all the signs were there, they had been for years, I just hadn’t seen them.

I had continued to be hard working, loyal, aspiring and always looked for new challenges.  I was Sharon, the one who would roll up her sleeves and just get on with it, without complaint.  All the time I was being “Super Woman”, my body and mind were slowly shutting themselves down, bit by bit, completely burnt out, until one day – enough was enough.  So the person that everyone knew as being a rock, confident and out-spoken protagonist dissolved in to a pile of sand, broken pieces so small; that a world full of glue could never stick back together again.  I could never be fully restored.  People close to me had no idea what had hit me, and had no understanding whatsoever.  All they could see, was that the person they knew was somehow no longer there.

A brief history
Where it all began… I believed

To be honest, I was eventually glad, I was thankful for having the opportunity to be released from my life and fall apart.  I no longer needed to seek permission to feel and think the way I did.  I was being given a rare chance to get to the root of myself and figure out what went wrong and why.  But more importantly, I was being given time to re-assess absolutely everything in my life, and this is still on-going.  The end result of starting to find some of the keys was that I viewed my family and friends in a very different light, and then I withdrew into my solid, tranquil shell.  A place, where no one could find or touch me, unless I wanted them to – the visits were few and short; and I stayed there for quite some time.

For a long period of time, I felt useless, damaged, deflated, dysfunctional, I was a heap, and I knew that I would need every ounce of strength that I could muster, to repair and rebuild.  I have learned so much more from my self, about myself.  I have learned from other people in the same sized boat, and I know there is still more knowledge and understanding to come.  But more importantly I had to learn how to heal myself, and that is where my story begins.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(8th July 2011)

(Where I used to be)

I am so much more than that

You underestimate me my darling

You think that I am all

That you choose to see

Based on your ill perceptions

Rather than actual fact

But I am so much more than that

 

The words pretty

Or beautiful come to mind

When you look upon my face

It’s a wonderful label

And oh so shallow my love

But I am so much more than that

 

You think that just because

You’ve known me for so long

There was nothing more to find

It was merely a glimpse you saw

Just a very small part

But I am so much more than that

 

You want to call me sexy

As though that is all

I should aspire to

And I guess I should be happy

But I’m not

They are just empty words

And I am so much more than that

 

Just because I am alone

Does not mean that I need

Want or crave for you

To fill the gap

You’ll never be enough

Until you see for yourself

That I am so much more

Than just that

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(3rd march 2018)

 

 

 

 

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