Before you judge me

Before you judge me

Check with who’s eyes

You really see

Are they truthful?

Are they sincere?

Are they coloured

Green with envy

Or grey and empty?

 

Before you judge me

Sit back and wait awhile

Watch my selfless actions

Hear my heartfelt given advice

Then listen to all their

Hushed whispers and lies

And ask yourself

If I would really

Commit such crimes?

 

Before you judge me

Take a look into my life

See for yourself

That I am content

See that I am enough

I’ve no need to cause

Another mans’ strife

What would I have to gain

By bringing about or enjoying

Another persons’ pain?

 

Before you judge me

Take a good, long, hard

Look at yourself

Find out the root of

What of drives you so

Question the standards

You have set

Understand what measures

You use as your guide

Get behind your true reasons

For doubting

What you know is real

 

Then and only then

Can you judge me

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Monday 5thNovember 2018)

I needed you as much

How can I deny you kindness

When it’s so obvious

It’s what you need?

Why would I deny you my love

Just because

You’re down on your knees?

Why would I say no to you

When you have such

A great need of me?

 

I needed you as much

I would have given

So much more

This is not

How things should end

But you made me

Turn away and leave

If only you would

Take the time

To recognise me

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Monday 29thOctober 2018)

 

You changed me

You changed me

In so many ways

It’s hard to remember

Who I was

Before the ‘you’ days

 

You changed me

You cut through me

And left deep scars

That still flow

Within my veins

 

You changed me

With your dirty footprints

That you meant to

Stamp on my heart

 

You changed me

With the memories

That still linger

Ghosting my shadows

Still looking

For places to hide

 

You changed me

You took away my faith

You, replaced it with

Needless anger and hate

But you couldn’t

Hurt my pride

 

You changed me

You made hard

What was once so soft

And so very giving

You spoiled me

For any other

 

You changed me

I can still see your face

I can still hear

Your vile words

And untruths

Ringing in my ears

 

You changed me

You took the best

Of what you thought

I had to give

Without a sideway glance

You turned your back

Thinking I stood

Broken without a chance

 

You changed me

You made me into

The woman I am today

Your harsh words

And split tongue

Only showed you

For the Devil you are

 

You changed me

You throttled my dreams

And dampened my desire

But you only proved

What I always knew

I should have aimed higher

 

You changed me

You made me doubtful

Question my worth

But I am gold to your sand

And just like everything

I slipped through

Your grasping hands

 

You changed me

But I changed for the better

I have severed my ties

I have no more anger

Or tears still to cry

Was this a lesson

For us to both learn by?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Thurs 25thOctober 2018)

 

You’ve held a piece of my heart

You’ve held a piece of my heart

Warm and beating

In your hands

You didn’t know it

For what it truly was

You didn’t understand

Once a part of my life

A part you will always be

Whether it be physical

Or just dusty memories

I gave you that piece

To see if you’d care

If you would nurture it

As precious as it was

Or watch as it slowly died

To then just fade away

I gave it to you willingly

No demands were made

Everything of value I have to give

Has no price attached

It is all given for free

I showed you my kindness

I showed you my grace

Whatever I’ve shown you

I’ve only worn the one face

You held a tiny piece of me

A fragment from my heart

Though small in size

It played a huge part

I had hoped that you

Would care for it adopt it as your own

But instead

You’ve toyed with my feelings

You dismissed my worth

While the rest of my heart

Beats on…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24thOctober 2018)

You do not see the real beauty in me

You do not see the real beauty in me

You see it in my face

In the way I smile

But you don’t see it

When I’m quietly dying inside

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You see it in my generosity

You see it in my ways

But you don’t see the cost

Of what’s given

You know not what I truly gave

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You see it in my words

In the way I speak

But you don’t like them

When my harsh words

Touch your cheeks

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You think I am easy to dismiss

But somewhere in your darkness

When all others have gone

I’ll be waiting in the abyss

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You are blinded

When facing something so real

This kind of beauty

Does not fade

If well looked after

It will grow with age

 

You cannot see the real beauty in me

It is not in my face

It is not in what I give

It is not in what I say

It is not in how I live

 

Come

Walk with me

And chat awhile

You’ll soon find the real beauty in me

Is not what you can see

It’s in spite of everything

It’s who I choose to be

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24th0ctober 2018)

I am so worth it

I am so worth

Taking your time

To understand the reasons

Behind my hidden smiles

 

I am so worth

Asking and knowing

I am filled with much wisdom

You may well be surprised

 

I am so worth

Being listened to

I will not pander to your needs

Nor I will speak any lies

 

I am so worth

Your attention

I hold magic inside

I am boundless no end in sight

 

I am so worth

A trip through my eyes

Hold tight while you journey through

My far and distant mind

 

I am so worth

Your regard and respect

There is nothing you’ll find

That has tumbled me yet

 

I am so worth

Everything that you deny

But that matters no more

Because I’m flying high

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24thOctober 2018)

 

 

I’m still here…

Bit by bit

I am starting to see

The unravelling process

That will uncover me

Over quite some time

I have freed my mind

Of the broken woman

That dwelled inside

Soaked up too much angst

That thickened my skin

Thankfully,

It didn’t get to seep within

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I see nothing but masks

On every familiar face

That I’m supposed to see

Brightly painted masks

Attempting to hide

The reality that’s really behind

 

Kind words and sweet smiles

That lack sincerity

Is what I feel from some

Who surround me

Lacking knowledge and truth

They think they can mock me

Speak ill of me behind my back

Can they can’t see,

I’m way beyond all that?

 

Being given a Judas kiss

And shown fake concern

They’re only interested

In what they can learn

Stroking me with one hand

Whilst holding a knife in the other

I just don’t understand

Why on earth do they bother?

 

Just by being the woman I am

One who is upstanding

Genuine, proud and true

It seems that I am just

Too much for their type

Should I lessen who I am

To prevent their acrimony?

Don’t they understand

One day they could very well

End up

Being

Just

Like

Me?

 

Who will they look to then?

When their so-called friends

Are not so pleased for them

And would rather quietly

And deliciously

Enjoy their demise?

Is that when they’ll see

Their whole relationship

Has in fact been based

Completely on lies?

 

But, I can’t be someone else

Just to ease their minds

Or to please their needs

I have eyes and ears

I see their resentment

And I hear their unspoken truth

Because they have now lost

What others have instead gained

They can’t lick their wounds

They have to cause more pain

 

Their hostility, is theirs to own

Let them treasure it

Like pointless threads of gold

I am made of stronger stuff

No longer held together

By just string and glue

Once I would have let it hurt me

But now?

Let them be, who they be

And do, what they’ve got to do…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

No ordinary woman

I’ve known for a long time, that I needed to be right here, at this moment. Even though this moment took longer to arrive than I had initially anticipated.

As soon as I left my friend in the car park where she’d dropped me off, I felt the mantle of responsibility and obligation to anyone or anything, gently slip from my shoulders and hit the floor.

I felt more empowered with every step, and braver with every mile added to the distance travelled. Doing something for myself and by myself, something not many of the women in my life would ever dream of doing. Ever.

But I feel free again.

And I am only reminded of how brave I really am, have been and have still yet to be. That I’m not an average woman. Something I’ve said about myself for years, I just hadn’t realised how true a statement it is, or the depth of where that truth came.

But, I guess I was no ordinary child either…

Born with health issues from day 1, I make no bones of telling people that I’m lucky to be here, but they think I mean ‘lucky’ in other ways. Much as I know I’m blessed, that kind of luck has never walked the same side of the road as me.

I learned a long time ago, that whatever I achieved in my life would be off my own back. I have never relied on any one, to get me where I am, even through my most difficult times with my ex. It was a message drummed into my head as a child by my father to fend for myself, basically allowing him to shirk his responsibilities from a very young age.

It’s odd that’s the first time I’ve ever thought of it in that way. The truth is more that I can’t actually remember anything really positive that he did for anyone of us, on a personal level. I know he has never stopped spouting off about ‘the things he’s done for us, but I can’t visualise them. I do remember how he used to be quick at doling out punishment, regardless; and to some degree my mother was no saint in that area either.

But as far as he was concerned, he was the ‘King of the castle’ in his own house, in fact he held that opinion of himself in everyone’s house. He liked to hold court, and even today there is nothing he likes better than a captive audience.

Recently close friends, who really know me have taken the time to remind me of my goodness, and what it is they see in me. Being seen through the eyes of others can be a revelation

I know I have digressed, but only slightly, as it all does play a part at some point on this story… The reason why I have needed to literally run away from my life, run from everything, just so I could press pause, take a moment and breathe.

It’s incredible the difference I feel, within so few short hours, to just be good to myself. I am in no hurry and I have no agenda other than to “just be”. And it feels wonderful to be able to finally let go, and do just that. It is now of course when I realise just how tired & burnt out I really am, and just how much I needed to do this. Perhaps I should entertain the idea of doing this for myself every few months, just to lift my soul enough to stop me falling. This isn’t just a quick getaway, this is good medicine…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29th August 2018)

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