I’m still here…

Bit by bit

I am starting to see

The unravelling process

That will uncover me

Over quite some time

I have freed my mind

Of the broken woman

That dwelled inside

Soaked up too much angst

That thickened my skin

Thankfully,

It didn’t get to seep within

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I don’t know who’s real anymore

I see nothing but masks

On every familiar face

That I’m supposed to see

Brightly painted masks

Attempting to hide

The reality that’s really behind

 

Kind words and sweet smiles

That lack sincerity

Is what I feel from some

Who surround me

Lacking knowledge and truth

They think they can mock me

Speak ill of me behind my back

Can they can’t see,

I’m way beyond all that?

 

Being given a Judas kiss

And shown fake concern

They’re only interested

In what they can learn

Stroking me with one hand

Whilst holding a knife in the other

I just don’t understand

Why on earth do they bother?

 

Just by being the woman I am

One who is upstanding

Genuine, proud and true

It seems that I am just

Too much for their type

Should I lessen who I am

To prevent their acrimony?

Don’t they understand

One day they could very well

End up

Being

Just

Like

Me?

 

Who will they look to then?

When their so-called friends

Are not so pleased for them

And would rather quietly

And deliciously

Enjoy their demise?

Is that when they’ll see

Their whole relationship

Has in fact been based

Completely on lies?

 

But, I can’t be someone else

Just to ease their minds

Or to please their needs

I have eyes and ears

I see their resentment

And I hear their unspoken truth

Because they have now lost

What others have instead gained

They can’t lick their wounds

They have to cause more pain

 

Their hostility, is theirs to own

Let them treasure it

Like pointless threads of gold

I am made of stronger stuff

No longer held together

By just string and glue

Once I would have let it hurt me

But now?

Let them be, who they be

And do, what they’ve got to do…

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(Sunday 21stOctober 2018)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weightless

Day two of waking up in my favourite city, with every inhale of breath I have taken in calm, and with every exhale I have let go of any restrictions I naturally place on myself.. No denying myself this time, if I want it I’ll have it, it’s about making ‘me’ feel special and nothing else.

I feel a kind of nothingness as though I am floating or walking on cushioned feet, actually experiencing life that is completely stress free.  And it feels so good.  And I wonder why I don’t get this feeling at home, this feeling of weightlessness.  This uplifted state of complete and utter relaxation, I wish I could package it up and take it with me, so I can take a breath of it every now and then..fill my lungs with euphoria.

No one has entered my head, or made me turn my glance to their needs, it has all been about me.  For the first time in a long time, I literally did leave everything at home, and I  officially left the building.  It feels like forever since I last took a breath ‘in’ like this.

Even though my body is desperately aching, I am a trying without much need or effort to ignore it… right now it doesn’t matter.  Within the few short hours I am here, time is precious, it has no space for pain and I intend to give it no attention.  I’ve given it enough already at home, so I am walking around this city, getting my bearings and enjoying clean air.  I’m sure the pain will sit waiting like a patient dog for my return, as all this relaxation takes it’s toll.

I see a different city this time.  As I people watch, it dawns me that all people really do whilst here besides the tourist attractions and coffee shops, is to wander aimlessly, covering many miles with no particular place to go.  Where once the coffee shop proprietors were friendly and chatty, now they are run like proper little businesses, with no time to converse or get an education; and they are found few and far between.  But I am not distracted by that, I came here to shutdown, and that’s exactly what I did.

I found myself talking to few people, though I sparked curiosity I was left alone to write on my iPad, but I could hear whispered questions about who I might be, or what I might be writing about.  It always brought a smile, and I wonder why they just didn’t ask me.

I had thought that maybe I might have written more whilst I was away, but I can’t force it.  The last few months have proved very difficult in so many ways, and I am still trying to process my way through it, but at least now I currently feel temporarily healed.  I know I have been absent from here for some time, much longer than I thought I would be, but there are many words to come.  I have so missed these pages; it feels like a part of me is missing when I don’t write, and until I do my mind will remain slightly clouded.

The most important thing is for the moment I am at peace with myself again…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(3rd September 2018)

 

 

 

 

No ordinary woman

I’ve known for a long time, that I needed to be right here, at this moment. Even though this moment took longer to arrive than I had initially anticipated.

As soon as I left my friend in the car park where she’d dropped me off, I felt the mantle of responsibility and obligation to anyone or anything, gently slip from my shoulders and hit the floor.

I felt more empowered with every step, and braver with every mile added to the distance travelled. Doing something for myself and by myself, something not many of the women in my life would ever dream of doing. Ever.

But I feel free again.

And I am only reminded of how brave I really am, have been and have still yet to be. That I’m not an average woman. Something I’ve said about myself for years, I just hadn’t realised how true a statement it is, or the depth of where that truth came.

But, I guess I was no ordinary child either…

Born with health issues from day 1, I make no bones of telling people that I’m lucky to be here, but they think I mean ‘lucky’ in other ways. Much as I know I’m blessed, that kind of luck has never walked the same side of the road as me.

I learned a long time ago, that whatever I achieved in my life would be off my own back. I have never relied on any one, to get me where I am, even through my most difficult times with my ex. It was a message drummed into my head as a child by my father to fend for myself, basically allowing him to shirk his responsibilities from a very young age.

It’s odd that’s the first time I’ve ever thought of it in that way. The truth is more that I can’t actually remember anything really positive that he did for anyone of us, on a personal level. I know he has never stopped spouting off about ‘the things he’s done for us, but I can’t visualise them. I do remember how he used to be quick at doling out punishment, regardless; and to some degree my mother was no saint in that area either.

But as far as he was concerned, he was the ‘King of the castle’ in his own house, in fact he held that opinion of himself in everyone’s house. He liked to hold court, and even today there is nothing he likes better than a captive audience.

Recently close friends, who really know me have taken the time to remind me of my goodness, and what it is they see in me. Being seen through the eyes of others can be a revelation

I know I have digressed, but only slightly, as it all does play a part at some point on this story… The reason why I have needed to literally run away from my life, run from everything, just so I could press pause, take a moment and breathe.

It’s incredible the difference I feel, within so few short hours, to just be good to myself. I am in no hurry and I have no agenda other than to “just be”. And it feels wonderful to be able to finally let go, and do just that. It is now of course when I realise just how tired & burnt out I really am, and just how much I needed to do this. Perhaps I should entertain the idea of doing this for myself every few months, just to lift my soul enough to stop me falling. This isn’t just a quick getaway, this is good medicine…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29th August 2018)

Life laundry

This particular ‘Life laundry’ exercise appears to be the biggest and most sincere one I’ve had yet.  Three weeks ago, when I last posted I had genuinely believed that I was coming to end of that cycle, but instead, I found I had a lot more ghosts to clear from my under my bed and off my clothes rail!

Memories in the form of possessions, that I no longer needed to keep hold of had to be disengaged.

Things that still held a connection to a past, I no longer wanted part of,.  Clothes that had been saved from many a previous clear out, were now attachments to a time when I used get all dressed up, only to be faced with the usual disappointments, but I kept them because they were beautiful  and were meant to be worn again.

They all had to go.

Because, I am not that woman, now.

Bit by bit, I am coming through, I can feel the power in me surging, as I off load any potential remaining misery.If you aren't true...

For the moment it has stuck me in a whirlwind of ‘must do’, taking up all my energy and focus.  As I churn my flat upside down, finding little demons that had been hidden away, disguised as something pretty; but I soon realised that all I want is a blank canvas.

Maybe, I was being unrealistic, I hadn’t anticipated that it would take this long to finally get round to this particular clean up, I thought I had already completed it many times since I’d moved on.

At the same time, I am also performing the same exercise within my head, re-evaluating my own truths.  Trying to understand why I feel the way I do about certain issues in my life, and why I still allow them to affect me.  I want to emerge totally refreshed and stripped clean of anything that still taints my soul.  I want to feel whole again, as I know that I have lost parts of myself, that can never be restored, but they are not parts that I miss.

As I have grown older, my circle has become smaller.  There were many I openly showed loved to that were not deserving of it, it was only reciprocated by being forgotten about.  Not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end, but it confirms what I’ve always thought:

“Not everyone is or can be a friend”.

Regardless of how people may like to manifest themselves, integrity is a quality many people lack.   They are those who will openly criticise a person’s behaviour, whilst not recognising they are mirroring.  But like the saying goes, ‘He who lives in glass houses…”.  At some point

For some reason people these days, seem to be very quick to find faults and make no bones about expressing themselves, rather than see the good and just focus on that.  Or take the approach of ‘if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all’

Negative people, who seem to be quite happy to wallow in their situations rather than be proactive and bring about change in their lives, surround me.  Whilst at the same time making out that I got things all wrong, and spreading their woes all over me to dampen my spirit.

I have had enough of so much, and a lot of it is due to being so damn tolerant and understanding.   I know it’s a flaw of mine!

But for some reason I think this particular ”life laundry” session, is a really important one.  And while my mind is still muddled as I sort through the various piles of my life, I am frustrated that I have momentarily stopped writing. Obviously, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… you guys know me by now, but more that I am not yet at peace with myself to be able to sit and quietly write without my mind being interrupted.

But thankfully, in a couple of days I shall be running away from my life.  I am giving myself an opportunity to have a complete shut down, and hang an ‘Out of order’ sign above my door and a round my neck… it is well overdue.

How I have not reached my true breaking point is beyond me, I seem to keep surprising myself at out resilient I am.  I remember the first and only time someone said that about me, I didn’t really know what the word meant; so I had to look it up.  When I read the definition, I was taken aback as it indeed summed me up perfectly.

Definition: Resilient – to be able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditons

But even strong people have a breaking point, and I have felt so close to mine so many times since my breakdown 15 years ago.  But somehow, something in me always stops me going over that threshold, and I save myself again. Maybe it’s because I know just how dark and lonely a place it is, once you break through that barrier.  I spent many years locked in there, with only myself for company…And if I asked you

This ‘life laundry’ session is about cleansing.  Cleansing my soul of all that no longer has a purpose in my life, whatever shape or form it takes.

I know I am guilty of holding on to too many things, and these things have kept me hankering for things that are simply not meant to be.  But at least now I have realised this, and these past few weeks have been just another few pages in a chapter that I had to go through.

It is at these times, that I really feel my sparkle.  I feel like I am lighting up again, just like a new dawn

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(26thaugust 2018)

 

I’m done

Every man that has been

Or is still in my life

Has abused me

In some way

Physically, emotionally

Or mentally

They have all

Had a part to play

Whether it be my mind, body or soul

It seems there is no end

To the goodness in me

I have been tested

Time and again

I have been made

To feel at fault

Because I value

My own feelings and

Give myself some worth

And even though they can see it

And they know it

They know not

How to appreciate

What stands before them

To them

I am an object

Of sexual desire

I am a means to an end

I am the agony aunt

I am a problem solver

I am the emergency call

But what do I get

In return for doing it all?

For the selling of my soul?

It has become an empty virtue

This kindness in me

But it has served

No purpose other

Than to further

Invalidate me

I can never be the winner

I have lost

Before I can begin

I have been foolish

I have been naïve

Because I believed

They cared for me

But really it was

Because I fulfilled their needs

But now

I am done

I’ve stopped

Drawing the lines –

They’ve been moved

Too many times

This is it

I will not accept

This practice anymore

And for anyone else

Who chooses to

Belittle or reduce me

Who uses or abuses

Mark my words

Nice girl has gone

And I am done.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13th July 2018)

 

The simple truths

Once I would

Have hidden my pain

Disguised it within

The words I chose to say

But now I have

Courage on my side

My simple truths

Can no longer hide

I have learned that

My past cannot hurt me

And the memories

Are just in my head

But rather than

Still hide them

They need to be said

Words are my weapon

But also my shield

And ever so slowly

I shall be revealed

I am a simple soul

With very simple needs

But now I have the tools

To release and speak of

My very simple truths

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thMay 2018)

 

 

I used to think that I was so big

I used to think that I was so big

That my shoulders were too broad

My arms too strong

That somehow

I was too big to love

That I was much bigger

Than the average woman

Because I am tall

Because I have stature

And because I am so bold

 

This was the image

That was in the mirror

Always looking back at me

 

But now I really see myself

As being so slight

So delicate and fragile

Made up of everything

That is soft and kind

And so easily broken

Look closely

And you will see

My best asset –

My beautiful silky skin

But look closer

And you’ll notice

All the tiny cracks and scars

That have taken an age to heal

As they endeavour to disguise

The pain that

I really feel inside

 

Please do not confuse

My confidence for strength

Because I really am

Quite weak

But this is the face

That you would rather see

And just like my armour

I have learnt

To always wear it well

To bear the weight

Like a true queen

Even though

It is slowly crushing me

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(17thDecember 2017)

Losing my balance

Sometimes I feel

So out of control

So lost in my thoughts

So uneasy in my soul

Words yet to be said

Always come to mind

That aim to unravel

To soothe and unwind

 

I am lost in the motion

Caught up with the

Ghosts from the past

Still showing their faces

Even when they’re outcasts

I stand on two feet

Firmly rooted to the ground

But my arms are

Outstretched

Still reaching for stars

 

My head is spinning

But here I still stand

Staying out of reach

Of the many wandering

And clutching hands

They’re still trying to pull me down

So that I cannot shine

Inept at saying kind words

They would rather just lie

 

Empty of encouragement

Completely void of love

How I kept my balance

Was literally by chance

For I have something in me

That cannot be moved

A simple, unbending

Faith in myself

And my simple truths

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(3rdMarch 2018)

Letting go

I feel so much richer

Having let some people go

Even though things

Just shouldn’t be so

I have cried few tears

I have felt no pangs

I am glad to have

Released them

Somewhere out there

Some place they belong

I don’t know what

They felt for me

But I know it wasn’t love

By letting go

I have freed my soul

And now she flies so free

If only I’d know sooner

That doing this

Was in fact the key!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(2ndMarch 2018)

Let’s begin…

Let’s begin

The process of letting go

Of laying those ghosts to rest

Let’s begin

By leaving the heartache behind

And watch them fly

Let’s begin

By taking a big breath in

Knowing I can only do my best

Let’s begin

By wiping the slate clean

With tears already cried

Let’s begin

With a blank sheet of paper

To write a new life story…

But this time,

A happy one

Let’s just begin again

 Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thJanuary 2018)

The Liberation of Sharon Carter-Wray

Right now,

I feel as though

I have just emerged

Through the other side

Of such darkness.

A place I had been for years,

Sinking, lower and lower,

Feeling, darker and darker.

I, have been surrounded by people,

Who didn’t see ME

Who had no idea of the private Hell

I was going through

All on my own.

Or in fact, the pressure

That they added to my load.

But then awhile back

I, started to really take note of myself,

The people around me,

The situation I was in

And the fact that I was so unhappy

So miserable and so depressed

I had forgotten how to smile

And I felt like this

All the time

My body was racked with pain

From top to toe

I had to use my walking sticks, every where

There was not a part of me that didn’t hurt

In spite of me not doing anything for it to

And then very slowly,

And with the help of my Lady

A woman I will never forget

I began to realise

Just how much stress

I was constantly enveloped by

The sad thing is, is that

It wasn’t even my mine

Or even stress that I had created

it did not belong to me

In any shape or form

It was other peoples’ baggage

That they brought to my door

Every conversation that I had

Was with someone who leant on me

For support, or had something to share

Every phone call, contained even more

Misery, pain and tears

And to every friend that I turned

The story was the same

It was only then, that I realised

No one noticed me

No one saw my pain

No one could imagine my pain

No one could feel my pain

Sympathy was in short supply-

Empathy even less

Even though that was not

The medicine that I needed

I felt so sad

I was so full… of loneliness

And sorrow

But yet, I hid it all

So well behind a smile

My lady,

Helped me to see

That it was not really others

Who were to blame

It was me

Self-harming in a virtual way

Every time,

I took on someone pain

I was cutting myself

So deeply with their words

I was giving them my permission

To make me feel worse

That day,

I woke up

For the first time in years

That day,

I opened my eyes

And took a good look

At what I had become

And it scared me

Somewhere, along my path

During my journey, through the darkness

I had lost myself

I had lost sight

Of who I used to be

And suddenly I missed her so much

She had gone quiet for a long while

But I hadn’t even noticed

When she had left

I just knew she wasn’t

By my side

I have always called her

“My Free Spirit”

And every now and then

She would sparkle,

Just enough to catch my eye

letting me know that

She hadn’t left me completely

Every time I caught a glimpse

I felt stronger inside

As I grew stronger

I became angry

The angrier I became

The more I knew that something

Had to change

In fact, not something

But someone

And that someone…

Just happened to be me

So, with the help of my lady

I set about my task

Ever so slowly I dismantled myself

And removed the tired mask

I gathered all the damaged pieces

And put them back together

Just like a jigsaw

One thousand tiny pieces

Of my life

It didn’t take long

Before many pieces

Showed them selves not to fit

Somehow they didn’t belong

Where they had used to be

Was now occupied by

A different shape entirely

That is when I saw the answer

That is when I finally understood

That though the pain still lingers,

My smile is now true

“My free spirit”, hadn’t left

She had been saving me

Nurturing all my missing pieces

Until she felt that I was finally ready

To be set free

Sharon Carter-Wray

(1st September 2013)

This was originally posted as “The liberation of inner me”, but I have made a few changes in particular adding my own name.  This is a very important piece to me, but at the time when I first posted this, I wasn’t really brave enough to use my own name.

 But it is written about me, and my personal journey, but at the same time I hope it speaks to others.  Sx 🙂

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