Will you catch me if I should fall?

Will you catch me

If I should fall?

Or would you just let me

Tumble down to the floor?

Would you open the door

When in my need

I came to call

Or would you hide

within the dark shadows

And deny me?

Would you open your ears

And your heart

If I came to air ‘my’ pain?

Would you listen to understand

Or with the intent

To dismiss or blame?

If I bared my soul

Open wide to you

So, you could step right in

Would you accept the invite

Or hold back and refrain?

Would you pass the threshold

Or simply just peer in?

If I share with you

My deepest thoughts

And highest dreams

Would you encourage

Or just mock me?

If I came to you

In need of love

Would you hold me dear

And cherish me?

Could you give me

What I need?

Or would you turn your back

And pretend you hadn’t seen?

You see, to you

I have become invisible

But yet you still expect me

To be the same

How can I still place

My trust in your hands

When you no longer care?

Or ask you to nurture my heart

Or believe and support

All that I stand for?

When I don’t believe

For one moment

That you’d catch me

If I should ever fall?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Mon 4th February 2019)

I left you, for me…

Do not for one moment

Feel proud

For what you’ve done

And do not believe

That you have somehow

Reduced me

You do not have that power

Just as you cannot be

The master of me

 

Don’t think for a second

That your insincere words

Or idle gossip

Has left me damaged

Or wounded me

My skin thickened

When I saw sense

And I began to self-heal

 

Do not be mistaken

In believing that

You,

Walked away from me

Think again

Who really took

That first step away?

Was it you, or was it me?

Whose back is turned?

Who do you no longer

Hear from or see?

 

Do not be fooled

If you think you have won

I have not stopped

I’ve only just begun

I called you out

A long time ago

I recognised your

Bitter & twisted soul

 

So, though you may believe

That I am lost without you

That I am lonely, at odds

Ill at ease

Just ponder this…

I-left-you… for ME.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(25thJanuary 2019)

 

16. The Liberation of Sharon Carter-Wray

Right now,
I feel as though
I have just emerged
through the other side of such darkness.
A place I had been for years,
Sinking, lower and lower,
Feeling, darker and darker.
I, have been surrounded by people
Who didn’t see me
Who had no idea of the private hell
I was going through… all on my own.
Or the pressure
They sometimes added to my load.
But then a while back
I started to really take note of myself,
The people around me,
The situation I was in
And the fact
That I felt so unhappy,
So miserable and so depressed
I had forgotten how to smile
And I felt like this
All the time
The mental ordeal
Caused the physical sting
As I declined
I could not do a thing
My body was racked with pain
From top to toe
I had to lean on walking sticks
Wherever I had to go
There was not a part of me that wasn’t sore
In spite of me doing
A lot less and not more
Very slowly when a new day begun
I was blessed with a saint
A lady I’ll never forget
A lady who helped me
Moved forward on my quest
I opened my eyes for the very first time
And all too soon began to realise
How much stress
Was constantly in my life
Tension that was not mine to own
But more delivered
By some other needy soul
Every conversation that I had
Someone leant on me
Used my listening ears to air their woes
Or tell me of their ills
Each call was full
Of another’s misery and tears
It wasn’t about showing me care
And to every friend I turned
The story was the same
In the end
It became too much to bear
It was only then
That I knew for sure
I needed no further convincing
No one noticed me
No one saw my pain
No one could imagine my pain
No one could feel my pain
Sadly sympathy was in short supply
Even though it was not
The medicine that I desired
I felt so sad, so empty
I was so full of loneliness
But yet, I hid it all so well
Behind my beautiful smile
My lady,
Helped me to see
That it was not really others
Who were guilty
Of being the root of my pain
It was me 
I was self-harming in a terrible way
Every time I took on someone else’s pain
I used their words like razors
Lacerating my own veins
I gave my permission
I had opened those doors
But no one saw it was my blood
Dripping to the floor
That day,
I woke up
For the first time in years
That day,
I opened my eyes
And saw just how blinded I had been
I took a good look
At whom and what I had become
I didn’t like what I saw
It scared me to see
How my skin had been flayed
And my flesh was raw
Somewhere, along my path
During my journey through the darkness
I had lost myself
I had lost sight of who I used to be
The woman
At the very core of me
And all at once
I missed her so much
She had gone quiet for years
As though a part of me had died
I hadn’t noticed when she had left
I just knew she wasn’t there
No longer by my side
I called her ‘My Free Spirit’
Like a ship set to sail
She is the very of soul of me
And she is hell bent on
Not seeing me fail
Every now and then
She would majestically appear
And sparkle quite discreetly
Just enough for me to heed
To let me know 
She hadn’t gone completely
Every time I caught a glimpse
I felt stronger inside
As I grew stronger I became angry
The angrier I became
The more I wanted to rage
The more I learned
The more I knew
Something within my life
Dynamically and desperately
Had sought and wanted change
In fact, not something but someone
And that just so happened
To be me
So, with the help of my lady
I set about my mission
Ever so lovingly
Chip by chip and part by part
I dismantled myself
Starting from the heart
I gathered all the diamonds
And like a puzzle
I put them back as one
The picture told the story
Of my discontented life 
But
It wasn’t long
Before some of those fragments
Showed their truth
They simply didn’t belong 
Where they used to dwell
I could offer no more space
I needed and wanted it for
An entirely different shape
A form that could shift and alter
Allowing me to breathe
As I mused and pondered
Along came the answers
What I finally understood
Is if I didn’t make changes
This would be my life
For good
Now today
Some of that pain still lingers,
My smile is now true
No more will others
Turn my horizons
A dark shade of blue
My free spirit hadn’t left
She had stoically remained
Guarding all my diamonds
Until I was able to tell the tale
A true and honest account of 
The liberation of
Sharon Carter-Wray
Sharon Carter-Wray

(Rewritten 7th January 2019)
(Original 1st September 2013

Before you judge me

Before you judge me

Check with who’s eyes

You really see

Are they truthful?

Are they sincere?

Are they coloured

Green with envy

Or grey and empty?

 

Before you judge me

Sit back and wait awhile

Watch my selfless actions

Hear my heartfelt given advice

Then listen to all their

Hushed whispers and lies

And ask yourself

If I would really

Commit such crimes?

 

Before you judge me

Take a look into my life

See for yourself

That I am content

See that I am enough

I’ve no need to cause

Another mans’ strife

What would I have to gain

By bringing about or enjoying

Another persons’ pain?

 

Before you judge me

Take a good, long, hard

Look at yourself

Find out the root of

What of drives you so

Question the standards

You have set

Understand what measures

You use as your guide

Get behind your true reasons

For doubting

What you know is real

 

Then and only then

Can you judge me

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Monday 5thNovember 2018)

I needed you as much

How can I deny you kindness

When it’s so obvious

It’s what you need?

Why would I deny you my love

Just because

You’re down on your knees?

Why would I say no to you

When you have such

A great need of me?

 

I needed you as much

I would have given

So much more

This is not

How things should end

But you made me

Turn away and leave

If only you would

Take the time

To recognise me

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Monday 29thOctober 2018)

 

You changed me

You changed me

In so many ways

It’s hard to remember

Who I was

Before the ‘you’ days

 

You changed me

You cut through me

And left deep scars

That still flow

Within my veins

 

You changed me

With your dirty footprints

That you meant to

Stamp on my heart

 

You changed me

With the memories

That still linger

Ghosting my shadows

Still looking

For places to hide

 

You changed me

You took away my faith

You, replaced it with

Needless anger and hate

But you couldn’t

Hurt my pride

 

You changed me

You made hard

What was once so soft

And so very giving

You spoiled me

For any other

 

You changed me

I can still see your face

I can still hear

Your vile words

And untruths

Ringing in my ears

 

You changed me

You took the best

Of what you thought

I had to give

Without a sideway glance

You turned your back

Thinking I stood

Broken without a chance

 

You changed me

You made me into

The woman I am today

Your harsh words

And split tongue

Only showed you

For the Devil you are

 

You changed me

You throttled my dreams

And dampened my desire

But you only proved

What I always knew

I should have aimed higher

 

You changed me

You made me doubtful

Question my worth

But I am gold to your sand

And just like everything

I slipped through

Your grasping hands

 

You changed me

But I changed for the better

I have severed my ties

I have no more anger

Or tears still to cry

Was this a lesson

For us to both learn by?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Thurs 25thOctober 2018)

 

You’ve held a piece of my heart

You’ve held a piece of my heart

Warm and beating

In your hands

You didn’t know it

For what it truly was

You didn’t understand

Once a part of my life

A part you will always be

Whether it be physical

Or just dusty memories

I gave you that piece

To see if you’d care

If you would nurture it

As precious as it was

Or watch as it slowly died

To then just fade away

I gave it to you willingly

No demands were made

Everything of value I have to give

Has no price attached

It is all given for free

I showed you my kindness

I showed you my grace

Whatever I’ve shown you

I’ve only worn the one face

You held a tiny piece of me

A fragment from my heart

Though small in size

It played a huge part

I had hoped that you

Would care for it adopt it as your own

But instead

You’ve toyed with my feelings

You dismissed my worth

While the rest of my heart

Beats on…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24thOctober 2018)

You do not see the real beauty in me

You do not see the real beauty in me

You see it in my face

In the way I smile

But you don’t see it

When I’m quietly dying inside

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You see it in my generosity

You see it in my ways

But you don’t see the cost

Of what’s given

You know not what I truly gave

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You see it in my words

In the way I speak

But you don’t like them

When my harsh words

Touch your cheeks

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You think I am easy to dismiss

But somewhere in your darkness

When all others have gone

I’ll be waiting in the abyss

 

You do not see the real beauty in me

You are blinded

When facing something so real

This kind of beauty

Does not fade

If well looked after

It will grow with age

 

You cannot see the real beauty in me

It is not in my face

It is not in what I give

It is not in what I say

It is not in how I live

 

Come

Walk with me

And chat awhile

You’ll soon find the real beauty in me

Is not what you can see

It’s in spite of everything

It’s who I choose to be

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24th0ctober 2018)

I am so worth it

I am so worth

Taking your time

To understand the reasons

Behind my hidden smiles

 

I am so worth

Asking and knowing

I am filled with much wisdom

You may well be surprised

 

I am so worth

Being listened to

I will not pander to your needs

Nor I will speak any lies

 

I am so worth

Your attention

I hold magic inside

I am boundless no end in sight

 

I am so worth

A trip through my eyes

Hold tight while you journey through

My far and distant mind

 

I am so worth

Your regard and respect

There is nothing you’ll find

That has tumbled me yet

 

I am so worth

Everything that you deny

But that matters no more

Because I’m flying high

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 24thOctober 2018)

 

 

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