Straight from the heart: 27. When there’s nothing left.
So, the curtain is finally falling on my 18 and half year relationship, with my ex-husband. Never have I ever thought, that this is how things would turn out.
All the years of frustration and bottled up feelings and emotions, are coming to an end. The life that I’ve had to date, is definitely in the past, it is my old history, and I shall neatly pack it away, hoping to never see signs of it again. The life, that I plan to have, will have no room for negativity or disrespect, instead I aim to fill it with anything that makes me happy.
There is no place in my life, or in my heart for ex-husband. I refuse to carry this chapter of my life around like excess baggage, the weight of which would surely see me on my knees. He has made suggestions that he would like to maintain some contact, but I just don’t have the strength anymore. Why would I want to continue seeing someone, who has caused me so much pain and anguish?
Maybe he thinks that I may still have some need of him in my life, that I won’t cope being on my own. But, somehow I figure he’s going to be needing me, he’s hoping that in some way or other, I will leave doors open for him, to come and go as he pleases. That I will still be there loyal, kind and generous, still willing to help him out, as I have always done. But I can’t, there is nothing left.
I am not that woman anymore. I have nothing left for him. Whatever I had left, has been soaked up and washed away.
I am not sure how I do actually ‘feel’ about my ex, I have no more tears left for him, they were cried out a long time ago. I know I don’t care or worry for him in anyway. I know I still bear a lot of anger toward him, yet I have detached myself so much, that he may as well be a stranger. Any kind thoughts for him have long gone and I grimace at the mention of his name. I don’t even want to have any conversations with him or about him, unless it’s absolutely necessary.
I certainly don’t want others to keep him alive in my life either, by asking if I’ve heard from him, or telling me they’ve seen/spoken to him. After all, he is pursuing his new life. So leave him be.
I just have nothing left for him. Sx
Reading this again, has made me feel a real sense of sadness. Not for what happened or how things ended with my ex, but more because I can still feel the heartache of the disappointment, and the pain I was in at that time.
Next week, will mark the 5th anniversary of starting my life over, and I have never once looked back with any emotionally pangs or feeling of regret. I know it was the right thing for me to do, but the bare bones of it is, is that if I hadn’t, I really have no idea where I would be right now.
I have a very strong belief that eventually he would have truly broken me.
I would probably have been in dire straits, with nothing to show for all my hard work and achievements. I would have had no roof over my head, that would have surely been repossessed by now. Even though I had spent 20 years of hard graft building up something to fall back on, it would have all disappeared. And he would still have continued to feed on me, until he bled me completely dry.
Sadly, at that time no one really knew how bad I was, I had continued to wear the same face throughout; pulled my sleeves up as usual and got on with it. I had no choice, because the fight to survive was going on internally.
Thankfully, that is all behind me now.
Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t just see my face anymore, I see what a remarkable woman I really am and have become. Sx
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Today, I think I can safely say we have sold our house; our buyers have already booked to have their survey carried out in a couple of days time.
I am still not sure how I feel about it. I know that I am excited, but somehow I am holding back on my jubilation, just in case it all goes ‘tits up’ again. But, I should feel reassured, as they are putting their money where their mouth is; but until all that is done I am finding it hard to really express my joy.
It is really the best news I could have hoped for, I have been quietly praying for this for some time now.
What it means to me
It means that at last, I can finally move on and start my new life, which I have been desperate to start for well over a year.
It means that I can finally start to breathe again, knowing that peace will once again reside in my tortured soul.
It means that I can finally start to formulate plans on where I am going with my life. I am looking forward to building my new nest, I have been out window shopping so many times and seen so many lovely things, but have kept my hands deeply inside my pockets.
It means, that at last; I can start a new history, leaving this unhappy one behind.
It means, that at last; I will have a space to call mine again, that I can fill with all things pretty.
It means, that at last; I will no longer have to look daily at a face, that has borne me such pain.
It means that at last; I can live a life without someone else’s baggage, constantly dragging me down.
It means at last; I will be free to spread my wings and fly.
It means at last; I can be me again.
(Tues 20th January 2015)
I remember so well, how I was feeling when I wrote this. I was literally at the end of my tether; almost at breaking point. There had been enough false hope, and my ex was playing a dangerous game, because he knew that once the house was sold; he was really going to be on his own once again, after over 18 years of being together.
But, I had lost all trust in him, and knew in my heart that if we didn’t sell, there would be a very good possibility of losing our home entirely. He was so vindictive and callous, I believe in a way he would have been happy if that had happened, as it would mean he had taken everything from me. And that is not something I was prepared to do, because he had already cost me a lot.
On April 15th 2015, I moved into my new flat. It wasn’t in the best condition, but I knew I could turn it into my new home. I still don’t know how I managed to do it, it was a really difficult part of my journey, because I was so ill, weak and exhausted. But within a few weeks this flat was transformed. I didn’t have to buy much, because I’d paid for everything at the house, so it was all mine anyway. However, I let him go with the bare essentials of furniture that he needed to get going. And of course, a sum of money from the sale, for which he really was not entitled to, but it meant that we could be over and done with quickly.
To me, it was a small price to pay for my sanity and my health. Before I met him, I was debt free, then for 18 years I was burdened by his financial carelessness. Thankfully, I am back in that position now, and there are neither red letters through my letter box, nor wolves sniffing around my door.
But, I can now say that I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am, where my life is at right now and where it’s going. My health is still an on-going concern, but at least I don’t have all the stress to deal with, which was making me so much worse.
I have said for a long time, that there is nothing I want or need, that money can buy, and I stand that by whole-heartedly. Sx ❤️
Note: This poem is based on an actual person, whom I have witnessed go through this process, and it has been very sad to watch. But, it is also a reminder that there is a lot of us who walk on a very thin line, literally just surviving from month to month. And this could so easily happen to anyone of us. Sx ❤️
In closing, I had no idea that I had so much that I needed to get out of my system; before I enter into this new year. All I do know is that I have to let my demons go, and leave them where they truly belong, in the past. They have haunted me for too long, and they have no place in my plans or where I’m going next.
Tonight, I will toast myself at the last stroke of midnight, and kiss goodbye to those painful ghosts of the past.
Tonight, I will be raising a glass to what a truly amazing and remarkable woman I am and have become.
Because tomorrow, is indeed a brand-new day in a brand-new life for me!
(Sat 31st December 2016)
In a couple of months, it will be 3 years since I wrote the series of ‘Letting go’. At the time, it marked a very important period of my life, when I seriously looked at my health, my life and the people in it. In order for me to grow, I recognised and knew that things had to change.
Thinking back, I had been facing and overcame so many difficult obstacles, both personal and physical. Some have been completely eradicated from my life, but there are some that still take me by surprise. But, I am only human, and cannot safeguard myself against everyone that doesn’t understand or appreciate me. When I read back over the words that came from me, I realised that I had been carrying the pain and weight of some many things. Luggage, that wasn’t mine, so it’s no wonder why I felt so utterly deflated and exhausted by it.
I had no idea what life would truly hold for me when I was young, unknowingly to me, my physical health problems had already begun and depression had made a friend of me. Both these things, eventually took a greater hold of me as I aged, but essentially the person I was, never really changed.
In spite of the battles that I have fought, none have truly defeated me. Instead, I called on my ‘free spirit’ and I have fought alone, to become the woman I was meant to be. Never have I allowed my issues to define me, I’ve remained positive, focussed and have worn a smile, even though smiling was the last thing I wanted to do. And I am so proud of her/me today, because this is who I am.0
And I am only best at being me.
For a long time, I have said and totally believe that:
“No matter what happens in my life, I have dealt with far worse already”.