Nubian Queen

Nubian Queen

I have finally learnt to see

The true beauty

That lies within me

That as a child

I was never told

Or encouraged to see

I grew up in a place

Where there were few

Other faces that looked

The same colour as mine

That’s what made me

And my kin

So easy to identify

That’s the only thing

That separated ‘my kind’

 

At school

I was still alone

The only black face

Amongst my peers

I soon understood

Facing my enemies

Showed I had no fear

I learned

What I was taught

Science, English

Religion and Chemistry

But none of these

Sang praises

For people just like me

No teachers spoke

Of my history

Except from the days

Of capture and slavery

So how was I to learn

Of my ancestry?

To take it from ‘Roots’?

The enslaved ‘Kunta Kinte’?

From ‘Love thy neighbour’

And other racist tv?

For a black person

It was all negativity

 

Maybe

That’s why I stopped

Seeing my colour

And just saw

The person instead

Because that to me

Was far more important

In my head

If they were going to

Make a point

Of how they see me

Let it be for reasons

Other than the colour

Of my skin

For instance…

The way I dress

Or the entrance I make

For the way I speak

Or the company I keep

Because no matter

What my hue

There is white blood

Mixed in there too

 

So, my life may have gone

In different directions

Due to my folks

Wanting much more

And using their discretion

When choosing a

Suitable living location

They made the most

Of what they had

To give us opportunities

But it also meant

We didn’t get to feel

How bad being black

At that time

Could really be

 

And now I’ve grown

Into the person I be

Only just opening my eyes

To my real identity

I never gave credit

To the ‘black’ side of me

But, it is not just

The colour of my skin

It’s the blood and

It’s history of pain

That flows deep red

Through my veins

That gives me strength

And the power

To stand and be tall

That makes me bold

And wants to be heard

To speak my mind

And to write my words

It is an inherent part of me

Because I know deep down

That all ‘black’ women

Can still be Nubian Queens

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Weds 20th November 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A temporary glitch

A temporary glitch

I am so tired of being let down

I am so tired of other peoples’ stupid drama

After all that I have recently been through

What has been making me happy

Has now saddened my mood.

What lifted me up, has dropped me down

Without a hint

And without a sound

I’ve always questioned, if I give too much

But I know I am wrong to ask

It is in my nature to be kind and true

I cannot curb what comes so easily

Or pretend to be anything

Other than just me

I know I will get over this spell

Disappointment will wash away

My confidence will be rebuilt with an extra shield

My heart will be lifted again

And my smile, with reinstate itself

It is just another temporary glitch

Just like the person who caused it

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sunday 7th October 2018)

Straight from the heart: 26. At last

Straight from the heart: 26. At last

Today, I think I can safely say we have sold our house; our buyers have already booked to have their survey carried out in a couple of days time.

I am still not sure how I feel about it.  I know that I am excited, but somehow I am holding back on my jubilation, just in case it all goes ‘tits up’ again.  But, I should feel reassured, as they are putting their money where their mouth is; but until all that is done I am finding it hard to really express my joy.

It is really the best news I could have hoped for, I have been quietly praying for this for some time now.

What it means to me

It means that at last, I can finally move on and start my new life, which I have been desperate to start for well over a year.

It means that I can finally start to breathe again, knowing that peace will once again reside in my tortured soul.

It means that I can finally start to formulate plans on where I am going with my life.  I am looking forward to building my new nest, I have been out window shopping so many times and seen so many lovely things, but have kept my hands deeply inside my pockets.

It means, that at last; I can start a new history, leaving this unhappy one behind.

It means, that at last; I will have a space to call mine again, that I can fill with all things pretty.

It means, that at last; I will no longer have to look daily at a face, that has borne me such pain.

It means that at last; I can live a life without someone else’s baggage, constantly dragging me down.

It means at last; I will be free to spread my wings and fly.

It means at last; I can be me again.

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Tues 20th January 2015)

Update:

I remember so well, how I was feeling when I wrote this.  I was literally at the end of my tether; almost at breaking point.  There had been enough false hope, and my ex was playing a dangerous game, because he knew that once the house was sold; he was really going to be on his own once again, after over 18 years of being together.

But, I had lost all trust in him, and knew in my heart that if we didn’t sell, there would be a very good possibility of losing our home entirely.   He was so vindictive and callous, I believe in a way he would have been happy if that had happened, as it would mean he had taken everything from me.  And that is not something I was prepared to do, because he had already cost me a lot.

At last

On April 15th 2015, I moved into my new flat.  It wasn’t in the best condition, but I knew I could turn it into my new home.  I still don’t know how I managed to do it, it was a really difficult part of my journey, because I was so ill, weak and exhausted.  But within a few weeks this flat was transformed.  I didn’t have to buy much, because I’d paid for everything at the house, so it was all mine anyway.  However, I let him go with the bare essentials of furniture that he needed to get going.  And of course, a sum of money from the sale, for which he really was not entitled to, but it meant that we could be over and done with quickly.

To me, it was a small price to pay for my sanity and my health.  Before I met him, I was debt free, then for 18 years I was burdened by his financial carelessness.  Thankfully, I am back in that position now, and there are neither red letters through my letter box, nor wolves sniffing around my door.

But, I can now say that I am happy with my life.  I am happy with who I am, where my life is at right now and where it’s going.  My health is still an on-going concern, but at least I don’t have all the stress to deal with, which was making me so much worse.

I have said for a long time, that there is nothing I want or need, that money can buy, and I stand that by whole-heartedly.  Sx ❤️

Straight from the heart. 26: At last. Image: it's never too late
Straight from the heart. 26: At last

On the road to homeless

On the road to homeless

There is a man I see

That has been brought to his knees

I have watched

His steady decline

Over a long period of time

When I first saw him

He was at the start

Of ‘Homeless Street’

What brought him there

I do not know

But the progress he’s made

Has been long and slow

 

At the beginning

He still had his self-respect

But now

He has nothing left

He’s given in, he’s given up

He has no standards to keep

Because the taste of alcohol

Is way too sweet

It’s takes the edge off

All the misery and pain

And maybe in a bottle

He’ll find himself once again

 

But for the moment

He has let go of a life

He used to know

He doesn’t care for

Other peoples’ thinking anymore

Why should he?

When they don’t care

If he’s just got a box

To use as a blanket

Whilst sleeping out in the cold

How much longer he’ll survive

Is any ones’ guess

But I can’t see him

Ever growing old.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Thurs 22nd Nov 2019)

Note: This poem is based on an actual person, whom I have witnessed go through this process, and it has been very sad to watch.  But, it is also a reminder that there is a lot of us who walk on a very thin line, literally just surviving from month to month.  And this could so easily happen to anyone of us.  Sx ❤️

I, am not an easy person to forget

I, am not an easy person to forget

I, am not

An easy person to forget

Though my presence

May be gone

Memories of me

Definitely live on.

So many times

I have been revisited

By many who

Have walked away

Only to somehow

Find their way

Back to me again

I seldom cut ties

I am not an easy person to forget. Image: 39195241_1855545171188908_1715933924032512000_n
I am not an easy person to forget

I let the strings

Grow long

For unfinished business

Or for things left undone

They have been

Touched by me

So, they have to come

Words spoken or not

How I made them feel

They all have

A tiny part of them

That only I can heal…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Tues 22nd Oct 2019)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go: 11.  And finally…

Letting go: 11.  And finally…

In closing, I had no idea that I had so much that I needed to get out of my system; before I enter into this new year.  All I do know is that I have to let my demons go, and leave them where they truly belong, in the past.  They have haunted me for too long, and they have no place in my plans or where I’m going next.
Tonight, I will toast myself at the last stroke of midnight, and kiss goodbye to those painful ghosts of the past.

Letting go. 12: And finally...

Tonight, I will be raising a glass to what a truly amazing and remarkable woman I am and have become.

Because tomorrow, is indeed a brand-new day in a brand-new life for me!

Sharon Carter-Wray

(Sat 31st December 2016)

Update:

In a couple of months, it will be 3 years since I wrote the series of ‘Letting go’.  At the time, it marked a very important period of my life, when I seriously looked at my health, my life and the people in it.  In order for me to grow, I recognised and knew that things had to change.

Thinking back, I had been facing and overcame so many difficult obstacles, both personal and physical.  Some have been completely eradicated from my life, but there are some that still take me by surprise.  But, I am only human, and cannot safeguard myself against everyone that doesn’t understand or appreciate me.  When I read back over the words that came from me, I realised that I had been carrying the pain and weight of some many things.  Luggage, that wasn’t mine, so it’s no wonder why I felt so utterly deflated and exhausted by it.

I had no idea what life would truly hold for me when I was young, unknowingly to me, my physical health problems had already begun and depression had made a friend of me.  Both these things, eventually took a greater hold of me as I aged, but essentially the person I was, never really changed.

Letting go: 12 And finally... 2 Image: board-1754932_1920
Letting go: 12 And finally… 2

In spite of the battles that I have fought, none have truly defeated me.  Instead, I called on my ‘free spirit’ and I have fought alone, to become the woman I was meant to be.  Never have I allowed my issues to define me, I’ve remained positive, focussed and have worn a smile, even though smiling was the last thing I wanted to do.   And I am so proud of her/me today, because this is who I am.0

And I am only best at being me.

For a long time, I have said and totally believe that:

“No matter what happens in my life, I have dealt with far worse already”.

Sharon.

(Tues 22nd Oct 2019)

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