Weightless

Day two of waking up in my favourite city, with every inhale of breath I have taken in calm, and with every exhale I have let go of any restrictions I naturally place on myself.. No denying myself this time, if I want it I’ll have it, it’s about making ‘me’ feel special and nothing else.

I feel a kind of nothingness as though I am floating or walking on cushioned feet, actually experiencing life that is completely stress free.  And it feels so good.  And I wonder why I don’t get this feeling at home, this feeling of weightlessness.  This uplifted state of complete and utter relaxation, I wish I could package it up and take it with me, so I can take a breath of it every now and then..fill my lungs with euphoria.

No one has entered my head, or made me turn my glance to their needs, it has all been about me.  For the first time in a long time, I literally did leave everything at home, and I  officially left the building.  It feels like forever since I last took a breath ‘in’ like this.

Even though my body is desperately aching, I am a trying without much need or effort to ignore it… right now it doesn’t matter.  Within the few short hours I am here, time is precious, it has no space for pain and I intend to give it no attention.  I’ve given it enough already at home, so I am walking around this city, getting my bearings and enjoying clean air.  I’m sure the pain will sit waiting like a patient dog for my return, as all this relaxation takes it’s toll.

I see a different city this time.  As I people watch, it dawns me that all people really do whilst here besides the tourist attractions and coffee shops, is to wander aimlessly, covering many miles with no particular place to go.  Where once the coffee shop proprietors were friendly and chatty, now they are run like proper little businesses, with no time to converse or get an education; and they are found few and far between.  But I am not distracted by that, I came here to shutdown, and that’s exactly what I did.

I found myself talking to few people, though I sparked curiosity I was left alone to write on my iPad, but I could hear whispered questions about who I might be, or what I might be writing about.  It always brought a smile, and I wonder why they just didn’t ask me.

I had thought that maybe I might have written more whilst I was away, but I can’t force it.  The last few months have proved very difficult in so many ways, and I am still trying to process my way through it, but at least now I currently feel temporarily healed.  I know I have been absent from here for some time, much longer than I thought I would be, but there are many words to come.  I have so missed these pages; it feels like a part of me is missing when I don’t write, and until I do my mind will remain slightly clouded.

The most important thing is for the moment I am at peace with myself again…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(3rd September 2018)

 

 

 

 

No ordinary woman

I’ve known for a long time, that I needed to be right here, at this moment. Even though this moment took longer to arrive than I had initially anticipated.

As soon as I left my friend in the car park where she’d dropped me off, I felt the mantle of responsibility and obligation to anyone or anything, gently slip from my shoulders and hit the floor.

I felt more empowered with every step, and braver with every mile added to the distance travelled. Doing something for myself and by myself, something not many of the women in my life would ever dream of doing. Ever.

But I feel free again.

And I am only reminded of how brave I really am, have been and have still yet to be. That I’m not an average woman. Something I’ve said about myself for years, I just hadn’t realised how true a statement it is, or the depth of where that truth came.

But, I guess I was no ordinary child either…

Born with health issues from day 1, I make no bones of telling people that I’m lucky to be here, but they think I mean ‘lucky’ in other ways. Much as I know I’m blessed, that kind of luck has never walked the same side of the road as me.

I learned a long time ago, that whatever I achieved in my life would be off my own back. I have never relied on any one, to get me where I am, even through my most difficult times with my ex. It was a message drummed into my head as a child by my father to fend for myself, basically allowing him to shirk his responsibilities from a very young age.

It’s odd that’s the first time I’ve ever thought of it in that way. The truth is more that I can’t actually remember anything really positive that he did for anyone of us, on a personal level. I know he has never stopped spouting off about ‘the things he’s done for us, but I can’t visualise them. I do remember how he used to be quick at doling out punishment, regardless; and to some degree my mother was no saint in that area either.

But as far as he was concerned, he was the ‘King of the castle’ in his own house, in fact he held that opinion of himself in everyone’s house. He liked to hold court, and even today there is nothing he likes better than a captive audience.

Recently close friends, who really know me have taken the time to remind me of my goodness, and what it is they see in me. Being seen through the eyes of others can be a revelation

I know I have digressed, but only slightly, as it all does play a part at some point on this story… The reason why I have needed to literally run away from my life, run from everything, just so I could press pause, take a moment and breathe.

It’s incredible the difference I feel, within so few short hours, to just be good to myself. I am in no hurry and I have no agenda other than to “just be”. And it feels wonderful to be able to finally let go, and do just that. It is now of course when I realise just how tired & burnt out I really am, and just how much I needed to do this. Perhaps I should entertain the idea of doing this for myself every few months, just to lift my soul enough to stop me falling. This isn’t just a quick getaway, this is good medicine…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(29th August 2018)

Life laundry

This particular ‘Life laundry’ exercise appears to be the biggest and most sincere one I’ve had yet.  Three weeks ago, when I last posted I had genuinely believed that I was coming to end of that cycle, but instead, I found I had a lot more ghosts to clear from my under my bed and off my clothes rail!

Memories in the form of possessions, that I no longer needed to keep hold of had to be disengaged.

Things that still held a connection to a past, I no longer wanted part of,.  Clothes that had been saved from many a previous clear out, were now attachments to a time when I used get all dressed up, only to be faced with the usual disappointments, but I kept them because they were beautiful  and were meant to be worn again.

They all had to go.

Because, I am not that woman, now.

Bit by bit, I am coming through, I can feel the power in me surging, as I off load any potential remaining misery.If you aren't true...

For the moment it has stuck me in a whirlwind of ‘must do’, taking up all my energy and focus.  As I churn my flat upside down, finding little demons that had been hidden away, disguised as something pretty; but I soon realised that all I want is a blank canvas.

Maybe, I was being unrealistic, I hadn’t anticipated that it would take this long to finally get round to this particular clean up, I thought I had already completed it many times since I’d moved on.

At the same time, I am also performing the same exercise within my head, re-evaluating my own truths.  Trying to understand why I feel the way I do about certain issues in my life, and why I still allow them to affect me.  I want to emerge totally refreshed and stripped clean of anything that still taints my soul.  I want to feel whole again, as I know that I have lost parts of myself, that can never be restored, but they are not parts that I miss.

As I have grown older, my circle has become smaller.  There were many I openly showed loved to that were not deserving of it, it was only reciprocated by being forgotten about.  Not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end, but it confirms what I’ve always thought:

“Not everyone is or can be a friend”.

Regardless of how people may like to manifest themselves, integrity is a quality many people lack.   They are those who will openly criticise a person’s behaviour, whilst not recognising they are mirroring.  But like the saying goes, ‘He who lives in glass houses…”.  At some point

For some reason people these days, seem to be very quick to find faults and make no bones about expressing themselves, rather than see the good and just focus on that.  Or take the approach of ‘if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all’

Negative people, who seem to be quite happy to wallow in their situations rather than be proactive and bring about change in their lives, surround me.  Whilst at the same time making out that I got things all wrong, and spreading their woes all over me to dampen my spirit.

I have had enough of so much, and a lot of it is due to being so damn tolerant and understanding.   I know it’s a flaw of mine!

But for some reason I think this particular ”life laundry” session, is a really important one.  And while my mind is still muddled as I sort through the various piles of my life, I am frustrated that I have momentarily stopped writing. Obviously, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… you guys know me by now, but more that I am not yet at peace with myself to be able to sit and quietly write without my mind being interrupted.

But thankfully, in a couple of days I shall be running away from my life.  I am giving myself an opportunity to have a complete shut down, and hang an ‘Out of order’ sign above my door and a round my neck… it is well overdue.

How I have not reached my true breaking point is beyond me, I seem to keep surprising myself at out resilient I am.  I remember the first and only time someone said that about me, I didn’t really know what the word meant; so I had to look it up.  When I read the definition, I was taken aback as it indeed summed me up perfectly.

Definition: Resilient – to be able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditons

But even strong people have a breaking point, and I have felt so close to mine so many times since my breakdown 15 years ago.  But somehow, something in me always stops me going over that threshold, and I save myself again. Maybe it’s because I know just how dark and lonely a place it is, once you break through that barrier.  I spent many years locked in there, with only myself for company…And if I asked you

This ‘life laundry’ session is about cleansing.  Cleansing my soul of all that no longer has a purpose in my life, whatever shape or form it takes.

I know I am guilty of holding on to too many things, and these things have kept me hankering for things that are simply not meant to be.  But at least now I have realised this, and these past few weeks have been just another few pages in a chapter that I had to go through.

It is at these times, that I really feel my sparkle.  I feel like I am lighting up again, just like a new dawn

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(26thaugust 2018)

 

A temporary distraction…

I feel like I have been caught up in the middle of a tornado for the last few weeks.

I have experienced so many highs and lows, but mainly lows as situations and people around me have caused or added to my sudden chaotic daily life.  I have been feeling the weight of stupid mistakes as well as good decisions, and I have been crippled by the stress of outside forces, that have played a good game, but have only served to try and undermine my intelligence and good nature.

I have not been in the proverbial “good place”, so to speak.

I’m not even sure what triggered this Ferris wheel into action, but I do know that I have learned another great lesson, or should `I say had one reinforced.  Which perhaps was not what I needed at this time, but it happened all the same.  And just like the wheel, I have been spun this way and that, making me feel dizzy with all sorts of different thoughts and emotions going through my mind.

But bad things, happen to nice people…

July was an angry month.  I have had to argue/heatedly debate with so many people, in so many conversations, just because they continually took my kindness and manners for granted.  And I guess I am still feeling angry, because I just can’t understand why people have to behave so badly.  This feeling was the inspiration behind the poem “I’m done”, because I have come to realise that, I just can’t do this with people anymore.

I have been in contact with so many selfish souls of late, that I have feared their traits might rub off on me.  But I can’t decipher if it’s the disappointment, the loss of faith, the being let down or the emotionally attachment that has hurt me the most.  Maybe, it’s a combination of all these things, but there has been this big cloud of confusion hanging over my head, and silently I am still asking the question, “why?”

I feel muddled, emotional, my brain is addled, and physically I am dealing with more pain than I can really bear.

In truth, I am happy within myself.  My personal journey of discovery for last three years has reached a good conclusion. I have closure on many things.  But it would appear that there are still rocks from my not too distant past; that are throwing themselves in front of me to block my onward path.

I am just hoping that writing this is going to press the “RESTART” button, and begin the process of me yet again, getting back up, dusting myself down and hey, you know the rest…

Sharon Carter-Wray

(4thAugust 2018)

Who am I?

I took a good hard look at myself

And I wasn’t sure what I saw

I don’t look like

A business woman

I don’t look like

A child

I don’t look like

I’ve loved and lost

I don’t look like

I’m unkind

I don’t look like

The lonely sort

I don’t look like

The sort that cries

Why can my face not show

What I feel inside?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(30thJuly 1986)

 

Home

My whole life

Is within this home

My old friends surround me

We have travelled

Both far and near

Everything

Has a day, a time, a person

Attached to it

As a reason for being here

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(20thMarch 1986)

Choices

I often wonder

How different

My life would be

If I had made

Some different choices

Would things have

Turned out the same?

Would I still be

The independent woman

That I once was?

Would I still be working

Or have given up

To do my own thing?

Would I have become

The teacher

That I knew I could be?

Would I be the same

If I’d had

A different history?

If I had not

Faced so much misery?

Who would I be

If that first man

Had not spoiled me?

Or my husband not

Ruined me?

If I’d stayed alone

And pursued my dreams?

If I had followed my heart

And not another’s

Reckless schemes?

If I had said “Fuck you”

Instead of “I do”

Just who would I be?

 

Or was I just destined

To have this life

And to be me?

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13thJuly 2018)

When is enough finally enough?

I guess this a question that we all have to face at some time in our lives, with jobs, houses and problems etc.  But what about when we have to face that question when it’s on a really personally level?  Like staying with the person you have shared a whole life with, loved or married?

How easy is it then?

Because when you are in a close relationship, it generally goes without saying, (and I think maybe more so for women than men) that we; already tolerate too much, compromise ourselves too much, bite our tongue too much and make sacrifices at a personal cost too frequently.Sometimes it hurts

For me, I realised several years ago that I had to save myself, or I would face remaining unhappy for the foreseeable future.  The decision was pretty clear-cut, once I made it.  But as the saying goes, “Hindsight is always a better advantage point.”

It was a very long and dark road that I took to get here, and only now can I openly confess that I should have brought things to an end, way way back.  But I took my commitment to my marriage seriously.  It had never been on my list of 1-10 things I had to achieve in my life…  But I did it all the same.

Our relationship before marriage was not always perfect, but our relationship after marriage was not exactly what I had pictured, and eventually only hi-lighted the huge crevices between us.  “We grew apart” is such an appropriate phrase, as that is what had happened, but we also grew in completely opposite directions.  We became more of our real selves.  He became more selfish, and self assured; I became more confident and assertive.

Though out my marriage/partnership/relationship, I had always felt so alone.  But a few years back, it became quite apparent that this was not just an emotional state of mind, it was indeed a physical fact.  Any quality time that we could have had for us, was completely consumed by his own constant need for self, whether that be his work, sailing, Playstation or motor bike.  So I had to make do with whatever was left over.

I became a widow to them all!

Believe me, I had serious doubts on my wedding day, and I suppose I had been silently grieving ever since.  Things had changed, for the worse.  I wasn’t meant to have such an empty marriage, it just wasn’t meant to be that way; I thought I’d married for all the right reasons, but of course it was 2nd time round for him.  He’d been there, done that, and had his kids, blah blah blah.  I never appreciated just how important that was at the time, or in fact the size of the monster I had ‘really’ taken on.

There are many instances where I should have drawn a line, but I didn’t.  But the final blow was after a discussion with his daughter, who was visiting for the first time in ages.  It wasn’t an argument, or disagreement, it was more that I would no longer bite my tongue and just listen to bullshit anymore.

But anyway, something minor grew into something major, very quickly and gathered enough momentum to take aim and strike. This was furthermore compounded by the fact that my husband, without 2nd thought sided with his daughter; even though he was fast asleep when she kicked off.   They both left the house just after midnight, and returned some 90 minutes later, I could feel the rage enter through the door.  No questions were asked, but many assumptions had been made, doubt had been cast and blame was placed squarely on my shoulders.  And I, looked at my husband in absolute disbelief.

Only then did I truly see what had been in front of me all these years.  I had always said, that no matter what the situation, if ever there were a problem between his family and I, he would always side with his family.  Regardless.

And in those few short moments, I realised just how right I was, that I didn’t have a husband or in fact a marriage anymore.

Initially he’d claimed that he couldn’t remember what had happened, this was after his daughter was safely shipped back home.  But needless to say, I was so disgusted by him, I packed his bags and told him to leave.  But even my simple request of giving me a couple of weeks, could not be respected, as he hassled me virtually every day. Sometimes you need to fall

Months later, I learnt the truth about that night, during that day he had discussed with his daughter everything I had said to him about being unhappy, and what needed to be done to address things, and then turned the tables saying everything was my fault.  So he’d discussed our private life with his daughter, some one he hadn’t seen for 18 months, someone who had frequently demonstrated little regard or respect for him at the best of times.

But that night was the end of many things.

That night he lost everything…

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(6thNovember 2014)

 

I’m done

Every man that has been

Or is still in my life

Has abused me

In some way

Physically, emotionally

Or mentally

They have all

Had a part to play

Whether it be my mind, body or soul

It seems there is no end

To the goodness in me

I have been tested

Time and again

I have been made

To feel at fault

Because I value

My own feelings and

Give myself some worth

And even though they can see it

And they know it

They know not

How to appreciate

What stands before them

To them

I am an object

Of sexual desire

I am a means to an end

I am the agony aunt

I am a problem solver

I am the emergency call

But what do I get

In return for doing it all?

For the selling of my soul?

It has become an empty virtue

This kindness in me

But it has served

No purpose other

Than to further

Invalidate me

I can never be the winner

I have lost

Before I can begin

I have been foolish

I have been naïve

Because I believed

They cared for me

But really it was

Because I fulfilled their needs

But now

I am done

I’ve stopped

Drawing the lines –

They’ve been moved

Too many times

This is it

I will not accept

This practice anymore

And for anyone else

Who chooses to

Belittle or reduce me

Who uses or abuses

Mark my words

Nice girl has gone

And I am done.

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13th July 2018)

 

This is my time, my moment

I have been feeling it

For some while now

The beginning

Of a new journey

Is on the horizon

A change of mindset

Is in view

It’s time to action

And do, what I must do

I have been held in chains

By obligation

By promises that were made

Made with best intentions

Though no words

Were said

But now I must

Simply walk away

I gave it all

My best shot

Rebuilding tumbled walls

Comes at a heavy cost

But there is no one

To take my hand

There is no one

By my side

To ease the burden

That weights my mind

The anger and frustration

I have withheld

Now has a voice

So loud and so clear

Even the deaf can hear

But this is my time

This is my moment

I can feel it

As my sparkles

Begin to rise

This is my moment

To once again shine

Sharon Carter-Wray

(13thJuly 2018)

Dear mother

Dear mother

Give me strength

To fight this soul destroying

Battle within myself

For I fear, you will not be able to

To mend the broken pieces

If I should break

 

Too many shattered pieces

Have been stolen from my life

For me to be complete

So help me start over again

To replace the lost fragments with new

 

Give me the strength

Not to let bitter memories

Invade my being

Let me hold onto the good times

And forget the bad

 

Tell me that my wanting more

Has not been my downfall

But my gain

And tell me that I am still a survivor

That I am not beaten yet

 

Put the faith back in my veins

That I once had in myself

And pray

That I will not give up or give in

 

Tell me believing that

All will be good in the end

Is still worthwhile

That I am not sailing

On some incredible dream

 

Assure me that these

Black moods are a way of life

And that I am not

Just feeling sorry for myself

 

And stay with me long enough

So you can see for yourself

That I am not a failure

Sharon Carter-Wray

(31st October 1985)

 

Sadly I lost my mum on the 29th January 2009, she took her last breath with me by her side, this was followed two months later by the death of my sister.

Now, some 9 years later on from these events I still feel the pain of that loss, maybe even more so now than I did before.

So love your close ones people, you just never know how long you have them for!  Sx 🙂

 

I’ll be back…

Hey there readers and followers,

Just a quick note to say sorry I’ve been away for a while, but just having a few crappy/crazy weeks, with the icing on the cake being my computer being hacked a week ago!

So thanks to all that have kept visiting in my absence, I’ll be back up and running again as soon as I can.  Sx 🙂

 

Betrayal

With my heart and soul

I believed in you

You don’t know

How much of my love

Was there to guide you through

In the many miles

I have travelled

If only you knew

How many were filled

With thoughts of my return

Or how many lonely hours I have spent

Holding on to an empty space

Wishing it to be your face

I longed for the moment

When I would fall back

Into your arms

Hoping that your love

Would totally surround me

If only you knew

How much I had missed

Every part of you

Or indeed how strong and deep

My feelings ran

 

But my welcome home

Was the mention of a sisters’ name

Time and time again

And the warmth and closeness

That you felt for her

Totally crushed me

Broke my heart a million times

And even though I cowardly cried

You misunderstood my tears

So I lied

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(27thDecember 1991)

 

9. You have to learn…

“You have to learn to get up from the table, when love is no longer being served”.  Nina Simone

Ever have that feeling?

Well it’s not nice.

I have spent so long with one person, just to find years later that love didn’t live here any more.

Worse still, I began to question whether real love was there to start off with.

I looked so deep within myself, wanting to know when I lost my love for him, was it before or after that realisation?  I felt gutted, wounded and let down, each recollection of those words being said and memories of actions that didn’t quite match, only served as another blow to already cheek.

Each time I reeled back from the shockwaves, as I delved deeper into my psyche. Realisation kicked in, in a big way, I had to face the fact that I had been blinded by choice.  It was my choice, that all those niggles about our relationship, (or the things that I was unhappy with), had been pushed to one side.  I had carried on regardless. Boldly bowing down to my vows as a married woman, for richer for poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health etc, etc.

More fool me, when it dawned on me that instead of being loved and cared for, I had been ruthlessly taken for granted, manipulated, used, abused and abandoned.

I guess I always knew that something wasn’t quite right, it all seemed one-sided – I was doing all the giving, and he was doing all the taking.  But I had denied that fact to myself so long, that I almost didn’t believe it.

It was only when I started to look at the woman I had become, because of him, that the true damage became apparent… ‘I was running on empty’.  I felt completely stripped down to the bone, naked of even flesh.  I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I had been craving for the very things that he couldn’t or wouldn’t show or give to me.  I was indeed empty.  The ‘belief’ that he loved and appreciated me, had been based on the frequently used three words, that he used to keep me going.   However, there were seldom any ‘facts or acts’ to support them, they were quite simply just empty words.

The more I thought about it, the more my own true feelings toward him emerged. In my heart I had nothing left for him, and I had no idea when those feelings had left me.  But once again, I found myself in a very lonely place, it was hard justifying my reasons, to those who were also blinded by his charms.

Everything changed after that revelation.

I had woken up!

Finally I accepted that I wanted to start living ‘my’ life over again, but for ‘me’ this time.

Throughout all of this, I had blamed myself, I took on the responsibility, I think maybe because it was easier to deal with that way. After all had I not accepted and allowed his behaviour to continue?   So it was also down to me to stop it.

But all I want right now, is to find my smile and be happy again, because it’s way overdue!

 

Sharon Carter-Wray

(15thOctober 2014)

 

Note:

This was written a week before my Decree Absolute came through, unfortunately, I still had to spend another 6 months under the same roof as the waster I married! Sx J

 

 

 

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