Today, I think I can safely say we have sold our house; our buyers have already booked to have their survey carried out in a couple of days time.
I am still not sure how I feel about it. I know that I am excited, but somehow I am holding back on my jubilation, just in case it all goes ‘tits up’ again. But, I should feel reassured, as they are putting their money where their mouth is; but until all that is done I am finding it hard to really express my joy.
It is really the best news I could have hoped for, I have been quietly praying for this for some time now.
What it means to me
It means that at last, I can finally move on and start my new life, which I have been desperate to start for well over a year.
It means that I can finally start to breathe again, knowing that peace will once again reside in my tortured soul.
It means that I can finally start to formulate plans on where I am going with my life. I am looking forward to building my new nest, I have been out window shopping so many times and seen so many lovely things, but have kept my hands deeply inside my pockets.
It means, that at last; I can start a new history, leaving this unhappy one behind.
It means, that at last; I will have a space to call mine again, that I can fill with all things pretty.
It means, that at last; I will no longer have to look daily at a face, that has borne me such pain.
It means that at last; I can live a life without someone else’s baggage, constantly dragging me down.
It means at last; I will be free to spread my wings and fly.
It means at last; I can be me again.
(Tues 20th January 2015)
I remember so well, how I was feeling when I wrote this. I was literally at the end of my tether; almost at breaking point. There had been enough false hope, and my ex was playing a dangerous game, because he knew that once the house was sold; he was really going to be on his own once again, after over 18 years of being together.
But, I had lost all trust in him, and knew in my heart that if we didn’t sell, there would be a very good possibility of losing our home entirely. He was so vindictive and callous, I believe in a way he would have been happy if that had happened, as it would mean he had taken everything from me. And that is not something I was prepared to do, because he had already cost me a lot.
On April 15th 2015, I moved into my new flat. It wasn’t in the best condition, but I knew I could turn it into my new home. I still don’t know how I managed to do it, it was a really difficult part of my journey, because I was so ill, weak and exhausted. But within a few weeks this flat was transformed. I didn’t have to buy much, because I’d paid for everything at the house, so it was all mine anyway. However, I let him go with the bare essentials of furniture that he needed to get going. And of course, a sum of money from the sale, for which he really was not entitled to, but it meant that we could be over and done with quickly.
To me, it was a small price to pay for my sanity and my health. Before I met him, I was debt free, then for 18 years I was burdened by his financial carelessness. Thankfully, I am back in that position now, and there are neither red letters through my letter box, nor wolves sniffing around my door.
But, I can now say that I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am, where my life is at right now and where it’s going. My health is still an on-going concern, but at least I don’t have all the stress to deal with, which was making me so much worse.
I have said for a long time, that there is nothing I want or need, that money can buy, and I stand that by whole-heartedly. Sx ❤️
Note: This poem is based on an actual person, whom I have witnessed go through this process, and it has been very sad to watch. But, it is also a reminder that there is a lot of us who walk on a very thin line, literally just surviving from month to month. And this could so easily happen to anyone of us. Sx ❤️
In closing, I had no idea that I had so much that I needed to get out of my system; before I enter into this new year. All I do know is that I have to let my demons go, and leave them where they truly belong, in the past. They have haunted me for too long, and they have no place in my plans or where I’m going next.
Tonight, I will toast myself at the last stroke of midnight, and kiss goodbye to those painful ghosts of the past.
Tonight, I will be raising a glass to what a truly amazing and remarkable woman I am and have become.
Because tomorrow, is indeed a brand-new day in a brand-new life for me!
(Sat 31st December 2016)
In a couple of months, it will be 3 years since I wrote the series of ‘Letting go’. At the time, it marked a very important period of my life, when I seriously looked at my health, my life and the people in it. In order for me to grow, I recognised and knew that things had to change.
Thinking back, I had been facing and overcame so many difficult obstacles, both personal and physical. Some have been completely eradicated from my life, but there are some that still take me by surprise. But, I am only human, and cannot safeguard myself against everyone that doesn’t understand or appreciate me. When I read back over the words that came from me, I realised that I had been carrying the pain and weight of some many things. Luggage, that wasn’t mine, so it’s no wonder why I felt so utterly deflated and exhausted by it.
I had no idea what life would truly hold for me when I was young, unknowingly to me, my physical health problems had already begun and depression had made a friend of me. Both these things, eventually took a greater hold of me as I aged, but essentially the person I was, never really changed.
In spite of the battles that I have fought, none have truly defeated me. Instead, I called on my ‘free spirit’ and I have fought alone, to become the woman I was meant to be. Never have I allowed my issues to define me, I’ve remained positive, focussed and have worn a smile, even though smiling was the last thing I wanted to do. And I am so proud of her/me today, because this is who I am.0
And I am only best at being me.
For a long time, I have said and totally believe that:
“No matter what happens in my life, I have dealt with far worse already”.