Straight from the heart: 27. When there’s nothing left.
So, the curtain is finally falling on my 18 and half year relationship, with my ex-husband. Never have I ever thought, that this is how things would turn out.
All the years of frustration and bottled up feelings and emotions, are coming to an end. The life that I’ve had to date, is definitely in the past, it is my old history, and I shall neatly pack it away, hoping to never see signs of it again. The life, that I plan to have, will have no room for negativity or disrespect, instead I aim to fill it with anything that makes me happy.
There is no place in my life, or in my heart for ex-husband. I refuse to carry this chapter of my life around like excess baggage, the weight of which would surely see me on my knees. He has made suggestions that he would like to maintain some contact, but I just don’t have the strength anymore. Why would I want to continue seeing someone, who has caused me so much pain and anguish?
Maybe he thinks that I may still have some need of him in my life, that I won’t cope being on my own. But, somehow I figure he’s going to be needing me, he’s hoping that in some way or other, I will leave doors open for him, to come and go as he pleases. That I will still be there loyal, kind and generous, still willing to help him out, as I have always done. But I can’t, there is nothing left.
I am not that woman anymore. I have nothing left for him. Whatever I had left, has been soaked up and washed away.
I am not sure how I do actually ‘feel’ about my ex, I have no more tears left for him, they were cried out a long time ago. I know I don’t care or worry for him in anyway. I know I still bear a lot of anger toward him, yet I have detached myself so much, that he may as well be a stranger. Any kind thoughts for him have long gone and I grimace at the mention of his name. I don’t even want to have any conversations with him or about him, unless it’s absolutely necessary.
I certainly don’t want others to keep him alive in my life either, by asking if I’ve heard from him, or telling me they’ve seen/spoken to him. After all, he is pursuing his new life. So leave him be.
I just have nothing left for him. Sx
Reading this again, has made me feel a real sense of sadness. Not for what happened or how things ended with my ex, but more because I can still feel the heartache of the disappointment, and the pain I was in at that time.
Next week, will mark the 5th anniversary of starting my life over, and I have never once looked back with any emotionally pangs or feeling of regret. I know it was the right thing for me to do, but the bare bones of it is, is that if I hadn’t, I really have no idea where I would be right now.
I have a very strong belief that eventually he would have truly broken me.
I would probably have been in dire straits, with nothing to show for all my hard work and achievements. I would have had no roof over my head, that would have surely been repossessed by now. Even though I had spent 20 years of hard graft building up something to fall back on, it would have all disappeared. And he would still have continued to feed on me, until he bled me completely dry.
Sadly, at that time no one really knew how bad I was, I had continued to wear the same face throughout; pulled my sleeves up as usual and got on with it. I had no choice, because the fight to survive was going on internally.
Thankfully, that is all behind me now.
Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t just see my face anymore, I see what a remarkable woman I really am and have become. Sx
If you are interested in any of my work, or have any queries please feel free to contact me using the form below.🙂
Today, I think I can safely say we have sold our house; our buyers have already booked to have their survey carried out in a couple of days time.
I am still not sure how I feel about it. I know that I am excited, but somehow I am holding back on my jubilation, just in case it all goes ‘tits up’ again. But, I should feel reassured, as they are putting their money where their mouth is; but until all that is done I am finding it hard to really express my joy.
It is really the best news I could have hoped for, I have been quietly praying for this for some time now.
What it means to me
It means that at last, I can finally move on and start my new life, which I have been desperate to start for well over a year.
It means that I can finally start to breathe again, knowing that peace will once again reside in my tortured soul.
It means that I can finally start to formulate plans on where I am going with my life. I am looking forward to building my new nest, I have been out window shopping so many times and seen so many lovely things, but have kept my hands deeply inside my pockets.
It means, that at last; I can start a new history, leaving this unhappy one behind.
It means, that at last; I will have a space to call mine again, that I can fill with all things pretty.
It means, that at last; I will no longer have to look daily at a face, that has borne me such pain.
It means that at last; I can live a life without someone else’s baggage, constantly dragging me down.
It means at last; I will be free to spread my wings and fly.
It means at last; I can be me again.
(Tues 20th January 2015)
I remember so well, how I was feeling when I wrote this. I was literally at the end of my tether; almost at breaking point. There had been enough false hope, and my ex was playing a dangerous game, because he knew that once the house was sold; he was really going to be on his own once again, after over 18 years of being together.
But, I had lost all trust in him, and knew in my heart that if we didn’t sell, there would be a very good possibility of losing our home entirely. He was so vindictive and callous, I believe in a way he would have been happy if that had happened, as it would mean he had taken everything from me. And that is not something I was prepared to do, because he had already cost me a lot.
On April 15th 2015, I moved into my new flat. It wasn’t in the best condition, but I knew I could turn it into my new home. I still don’t know how I managed to do it, it was a really difficult part of my journey, because I was so ill, weak and exhausted. But within a few weeks this flat was transformed. I didn’t have to buy much, because I’d paid for everything at the house, so it was all mine anyway. However, I let him go with the bare essentials of furniture that he needed to get going. And of course, a sum of money from the sale, for which he really was not entitled to, but it meant that we could be over and done with quickly.
To me, it was a small price to pay for my sanity and my health. Before I met him, I was debt free, then for 18 years I was burdened by his financial carelessness. Thankfully, I am back in that position now, and there are neither red letters through my letter box, nor wolves sniffing around my door.
But, I can now say that I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am, where my life is at right now and where it’s going. My health is still an on-going concern, but at least I don’t have all the stress to deal with, which was making me so much worse.
I have said for a long time, that there is nothing I want or need, that money can buy, and I stand that by whole-heartedly. Sx ❤️
In closing, I had no idea that I had so much that I needed to get out of my system; before I enter into this new year. All I do know is that I have to let my demons go, and leave them where they truly belong, in the past. They have haunted me for too long, and they have no place in my plans or where I’m going next.
Tonight, I will toast myself at the last stroke of midnight, and kiss goodbye to those painful ghosts of the past.
Tonight, I will be raising a glass to what a truly amazing and remarkable woman I am and have become.
Because tomorrow, is indeed a brand-new day in a brand-new life for me!
(Sat 31st December 2016)
In a couple of months, it will be 3 years since I wrote the series of ‘Letting go’. At the time, it marked a very important period of my life, when I seriously looked at my health, my life and the people in it. In order for me to grow, I recognised and knew that things had to change.
Thinking back, I had been facing and overcame so many difficult obstacles, both personal and physical. Some have been completely eradicated from my life, but there are some that still take me by surprise. But, I am only human, and cannot safeguard myself against everyone that doesn’t understand or appreciate me. When I read back over the words that came from me, I realised that I had been carrying the pain and weight of some many things. Luggage, that wasn’t mine, so it’s no wonder why I felt so utterly deflated and exhausted by it.
I had no idea what life would truly hold for me when I was young, unknowingly to me, my physical health problems had already begun and depression had made a friend of me. Both these things, eventually took a greater hold of me as I aged, but essentially the person I was, never really changed.
In spite of the battles that I have fought, none have truly defeated me. Instead, I called on my ‘free spirit’ and I have fought alone, to become the woman I was meant to be. Never have I allowed my issues to define me, I’ve remained positive, focussed and have worn a smile, even though smiling was the last thing I wanted to do. And I am so proud of her/me today, because this is who I am.0
And I am only best at being me.
For a long time, I have said and totally believe that:
“No matter what happens in my life, I have dealt with far worse already”.
A man I knew many years ago, once said something to me that has stayed with me all my life. But it is only recently, have I taken his words as a lesson.
I will tell you from now, that whatever I write today is going to be very frank and bluntly honest, because I don’t know any other way of expressing what I feel.
An unusual friendship
At the time I think I was about 25, so about 25 years ago, and I did not take offence at what he said, because it wasn’t said to be offensive or to hurt me. I believe that he really saw into me, and saw something that I still had to discover for myself. He was a few years older than me, and we had struck up this unusual friendship, that we both knew would never be more than it was. He was a Sikh, and I obviously wasn’t, but that didn’t get in the way of our friendship. There was never any question of anything else happening between us we just took it, for what it was.
I remember this occasion so clearly, because we were sat in a local pub, both drinking soft drinks, and I guess he must have been observing me and given it some thought, because he turned to me and said, I quote:
“You could have either been a Princess or a fucking whore!”
I never asked him why he said it, or by what he meant, I just kind of took it on board and accepted it. But so many times over these years, his words have come back, resonating loudly through me. And each time, it has made me stop and think. The statement itself, is a dichotomy, and as such there is no absolute answer to its’ meaning. However, time and again, I am given reason to revisit that particular day, and each time I have reached new conclusions, and gain a better understanding of where he might have been coming from. I don’t actually recall if I saw him again after that, but it is true that words can leave a remarkable footprint. I don’t know whether he knew, that his words would have a lasting impact or not, but I do see the absolute truth in them; which goes to the very root of me.
The Ugly Duckling
I have never looked at myself as being some great beauty, in fact I only really became aware of my looks when I reached the age of 26. I never really appreciated what made me attractive to the opposite sex, or noticed that I had blossomed, until I began to hear what the men around me said. Throughout school and college, no one had expressed any particular interest of that kind in me, so I never thought I was anything special. I didn’t look in the mirror and see something stunning reflecting back at me, as far as I was concerned, I was just ordinary. I associated myself with the story of “The ugly duckling”, that later became a swan. But it would seem that I had changed and blossomed, even though I couldn’t see it myself, and still don’t even today!
I have repeated what this man said, to few people both male and female, only to gauge what they might understand. The general response from the women has always been to take immediate offence, and the guys are always reluctant to share their thoughts; which has only served to confirm that my own thoughts are right. And this saddens me, because I have been a victim, caught up in something, that I have only just realised I have unwittingly played a part in.
His statement would suggest that somehow there is a choice to be made. A choice between being either a Princess or a fucking whore, but that choice or decision does not exist, nor it is one for me to make. It is made by what attitude the men I have encountered in my life, have of me. They decide what it is they want from me, they decide, if I am the princess or the whore, and they treat me accordingly.
The simple truth
But the simple truth as I believe it to be, is that I am both. In truth, I am a princess, but on a romantic level; virtually every man that I have come across has only ever treated me like a whore. No wonder I have become so disillusioned.
And knowing and understanding this fact, is horrible. It is not something I am willing to accept.
All my life, I have been in search of love. True, genuine, sincere and real love. And yet I have seldom felt it. I give out enough of it, and get pretty much fuck all back… apart from men wanting to literally fuck me or fuck me over. Like I said at the start, some of you may think I am being foolish, that maybe I should be grateful for this kind of attention, that it’s a boost to the ego. But what it has achieved is that all I see are men looking at me, like I’m a piece of meat or plaything, and nothing more.
The first time I signed up for a dating site, it didn’t take long before I realised that finding sincerity let alone true love, was going to be difficult. Within a matter of weeks, I said to my friends, that I had a “fuckable face”, not a nice term, but a factual one nonetheless. I came up with this, after so many men made it perfectly clear what they would like to do, either to me or with me. They saw me, and just wanted to fuck me, and nothing else.
None of them read my profile or asked anything about me. But they had assumed that it was okay to speak to me like this, with such disrespect; as though my own feelings didn’t even come in to it. They were attracted to me, and that was enough. As though that was all I was also looking for, meaningless sex and ‘no strings attached’ relationships. Needless to say, I soon put them straight and then some, but after a while it began to hurt. And if it wasn’t sex they wanted, they put in a lot of effort to woo me, in order to extort money from me, with their sad, sorry tales of sudden misfortune, with which only I could help. I have come across them all.
Spreading my legs…
On 2 recent holidays, I was constantly harassed by men of all ages, shapes and sizes, all thinking they would have a go. As if, just a few nice words were enough for me to fall down, spread my legs, and invite them all in. I never asked for or solicited any of this attention, but I got it anyway. I had begun to think that I had some sign on my forehead only visible to men, it made me feel quite paranoid. It made me feel angry and sad.
I am sure I am not alone in this, but as a woman it is not a compliment to be made to feel like this. To be thought of in this way, certainly doesn’t boost my ego or make me feel good in the slightest. Maybe if I were still young (& wild), I might have appreciated this or even made the most of it. But in truth I was never that girl, and I will never be that woman. I guess I am angry, because I never believed that men could be that shallow, and it saddens me, because they have no idea about everything else that they are missing out on. Everything else that makes me, me, everything else that is hidden just beneath the skin of what they perceive, because that is where my true beauty exists.
And so those words that were spoken to me all those years ago, are still in my head and remain so utterly true. My conclusion to all this, is that I am both a Princess and a whore, and what men have to learn about me is that,
‘If they treat me like a Princess, maybe I will also be their whore, but if they treat me like a whore, they get nothing at all’.
And as for ‘that’ man, I believe he saw that in me, and if circumstances had been different, who knows where we might be.
But I thank him, because I have never felt such honesty since.
I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts… Sx ❤️
If you are interested in any of my work, or have any queries please feel free to contact me using the form below. 🙂
If you are interested in any of my work, or have any queries please feel free to contact me using the form below.🙂
This house, which was once my home, has (I hope) been sold today. It marks the end of an era. An end to a large chapter of my life. And the beginning of feelings of displacement, as I search for a new place to call ‘home’.
When I bought this house 12 and half years ago, it was a time when my relationship had felt secure; and I was willing to make a financial commitment, with the man that became my husband. Up until that point I had been completely independent, having already owned two previous homes, and coped very well on my own, thank you. But somehow, it seemed like the next most natural step, it had felt like the right thing to do, at the time.
After his children left to live with their mum, my ex, all but moved in with me, even though he had his own place still. It wasn’t at my request that he moved in, he’d just decided he didn’t want to be on his own, in his own home any more. And that was it, he never left.
It became time to move on again, and that’s when I found this place. This house talked to me, from the moment I saw it from outside, before I had even knocked on the door. I knew that I had found the right place. As I walked round on my first viewing, I had already pictured how I was going to put love back into this house. It had been lonely for too long, with it’s single occupant, who had been here since the day it was built. She had got married, raised a family and was eventually left alone for years, until her son decided to look after her. I did a lot for her before the final day; and I always thought that she seemed happy to be selling her home on to me. Almost as if she knew I would indeed continue to take care of it.
And that’s just what I did. However, I think I did a bit more than she might have anticipated!
We both planned and designed our home, but decor and furnishings etc, were my department. All my furniture, bar the essentials were put in storage, and within 6 months of roughing it; all building works were completed, the house was completely renovated, extended, re-arranged and bought up to date. It was a tough six months, of sleeping rough, being cold and having no kitchen to speak of. While this was going on, my ex still had his house, and was able to avoid most of the discomfort, I had to endure. But, it was done. I worked hard on making this house, our home, my home, transforming it over the years, until it became what it is now.
It wasn’t long before my concerns for my financial security were proved right, I had made a mistake. A big mistake. And there was nothing I could do about it, except to bide my time, watch, listen and learn. In the end, it proved to be a very expensive mistake, and I have since spent a long time contemplating it. I could have taken action or fought for it, but decided it just wasn’t worth it. Money has never been my king, so I opted for the peaceful process, which proved just as painful. But anyway, long story, short, I got my fingers severely burnt!
Bear in mind, that I had been separated from ex since Oct 2012, he had initially said he would leave, but due to circumstances we’ve had to share the same roof space. And still do to this day, which has not been easy by any definition, the last 15 months being possibly the worst of my life.
I have digressed a little, but I suppose the point I am trying to make is that, there were a lot of ‘beginnings’, and ‘endings’ in this house. These walls have witnessed and absorbed so much of my life. It echoes my unhappiness when I am here on my own. My home, for the last 15months, became two rooms, my bedroom and my ‘snug’, I have given up on using the rest of the house, unless it’s necessary. My snug is where my world happens, it is my place of peace, calmness, inspiration, creativity, imagination and so on. My snug is, ‘MY’ space. My bedroom, is for rest, rejuvenation and quiet times, or for when I want to feel music in me. Both spaces are my sanctuaries. no stress is allowed across either of these rooms’ thresholds.
But going back, it was the first time I had ever properly lived with someone, actually shared a life. At the beginning, we both has so many hopes and dreams about our future, as it was back then. We have shared some precious moments here, there have been many occasions when we have created memories, on our own or with other people. There was once love here, but that too has since evaporated, dissipated into thin air, like all other kind feelings, and nice thoughts. Now I am reminded of arguments, discussions, conversations, tears and so on, as I go from room to room.
This house, is also the place, where I first seriously became ill, and continue to be so, this is the place where my world fell apart, and bad health became a constant companion. I had aways thought having the hospital so close by, was a good thing. But I didn’t appreciate just how much time I would get to spend there, for one reason or another. As my health deteriorated, and so did everything else.
But I loved this house, it was ‘me’ all over. But since things went wrong, I have come to see that I need to create a new home, somewhere else, another place where I can start my dreams and hopes afresh. This house is the only thing that still binds us together, mentally and emotionally, I left this place a long time ago, now I need to physically follow it through
In the last few years, this house has seen so much anger, resentment, bitterness, bereavement, and the true colours of our individual rainbows. It has seen the end of many things, and now the planning stages of new horizons.
On the whole, it was the best thing I could ever have done. I am not one to generally walk away, but this time it was about saving my own life from an inevitable misery that laid ahead. Now, I am a happy person. Now, I have a stress-free life, unless it’s brought to my door like bunches of flowers or via the telephone line…
It’s been nearly 4 and a half years since I moved on, and the place I found (by luck more than anything), has become my home and sanctuary. I had many battles to fight along the way, with my physical, emotional and mental health. As well as a mountain of excess baggage, I desperately needed to off load. But, I got here in the end, and feel a hell of better for it.
It took me a long time, to deal with the fallout of everything that had happened in the last 4/5 years. It took me much longer than I had expected to fully heal and repair myself, after all it was a traumatic experience. There are pieces from that past, that are still wedged into me. These fragments will be reawakened from time to time, when triggered by someone’s words or behaviour toward me. I have a very quick flinch response in that respect.
It’s a fact I can’t help, but it serves to protect my fragile heart and feelings, because I absolutely refuse to ever walk down that same path or road again.
It may well have ruined me, in a way that I find it difficult to visualise living with another man again. Ruined me to the point, I don’t know if I will ever trust another man; and always look at actions and behaviour, more than whatever words he may say.
I feel something inside of me has hardened. I’ve a much sturdier shell than before, to deflect as much negativity as I can. I have a different mindset. I am less tolerant and more vocal about not accepting bad behaviour and manners. But most of all I try to live the life I often speak of.
I am still very soft within, but that part of me is now slightly harder to reach. Sx❤️
If you are interested in any of my work, or have any queries please feel free to contact me using the form below.🙂