Right now,
I feel as though
I have just emerged
Through the other side
Of such darkness.
A place I had been for years,
Sinking, lower and lower,
Feeling, darker and darker.
I, have been surrounded by people,
Who didn’t see ME
Who had no idea of the private Hell
I was going through
All on my own.
Or in fact, the pressure
That they added to my load.
But then a while back
I started to really take note of myself,
The people around me,
The situation I was in
And the fact that I was so unhappy
So miserable and so depressed
I had forgotten how to smile
And I felt like this
All the time
My body was racked with pain
From top to toe
I had to use my walking sticks, every where
There was not a part of me that didn’t hurt
In spite of me not doing anything for it to
And then very slowly,
And with the help of my Lady
A woman I will never forget
I began to realise
Just how much stress
I was constantly enveloped by
The sad thing is, is that
It wasn’t even my mine
Or even stress that I had created
it did not belong to me
In any shape or form
It was other peoples’ baggage
That they brought to my door
Every conversation that I had
Was with someone who leant on me
For support, or had something to share
Every phone call, contained even more
Misery, pain and tears
And to every friend that I turned
The story was the same
It was only then, that I realised
No one noticed me
No one saw my pain
No one could imagine my pain
No one could feel my pain
Sympathy was in short supply-
Empathy even less
Even though that was not
The medicine that I needed
I felt so sad
I was so full… of loneliness
And sorrow
But yet, I hid it all
So well behind a smile
My lady,
Helped me to see
That it was not really others
Who were to blame
It was me
Self-harming in a virtual way
Every time,
I took on someone pain
I was cutting myself
So deeply with their words
I was giving them my permission
To make me feel worse
That day,
I woke up
For the first time in years
That day,
I opened my eyes
And took a good look
At what I had become
And it scared me
Somewhere, along my path
During my journey, through the darkness
I had lost myself
I had lost sight
Of who I used to be
And suddenly I missed her so much
She had gone quiet for a long while
But I hadn’t even noticed
When she had left
I just knew she wasn’t
By my side
I have always called her
“My Free Spirit”
And every now and then
She would sparkle,
Just enough to catch my eye
letting me know that
She hadn’t left me completely
Every time I caught a glimpse
I felt stronger inside
As I grew stronger
I became angry
The angrier I became
The more I knew that something
Had to change
In fact, not something
But someone
And that someone…
Just happened to be me
So, with the help of my lady
I set about my task
Ever so slowly I dismantled myself
And removed the tired mask
I gathered all the damaged pieces
And put them back together
Just like a jigsaw
One thousand tiny pieces
Of my life
It didn’t take long
Before many pieces
Showed them selves not to fit
Somehow they didn’t belong
Where they had used to be
Was now occupied by
A different shape entirely
That is when I saw the answer
That is when I finally understood
That though the pain still lingers,
My smile is now true
“My free spirit”, hadn’t left
She had been saving me
Nurturing all my missing pieces
Until she felt that I was finally ready
To be set free
Sharon Carter-Wray
(1st September 2013)
This was originally posted as “The liberation of inner me”, but I have made a few changes in particular adding my own name. This is a very important piece to me, but at the time when I first posted this, I wasn’t really brave enough to use my own name.
But it is written about me, and my personal journey, but at the same time I hope it speaks to others. Sx 🙂
