What freedom means to me

3 years ago today

I started my life over

My mind returned

Back to a time

When I was young

And starting out for new

With fresh eyes and

Anticipation in my veins

To begin a life on my own

Void of anyone’s reins.

 

3 years ago today

I left a life behind

That had suffocated me

By it’s strangling out

The last tolerant breath

I had withheld

The one that had

Finally woken me up

That made me realise

Enough was finally enough

 

3 years ago today

I woke with hope in my heart

I was looking forward

To the new life

I was about to start

I knew it would not be easy

But I had to try

And in spite of my illness

Knocking me down

Today I still manage to fly

 

3 years ago today

I think on the life

I once had

And the damage that man

Caused to my mind

I may have looked broken

But I was nothing

Of the kind

I didn’t need convincing

That I was right to say goodbye

 

3 years ago today

All that I had lost

That had been absorbed

In another’s storm

Returned to me

Undamaged and whole

 

 

3 years ago today

I wrote myself a new story

With many blank pages to fill

And chapters made of hindsight

Penned with ink

Made from old cried tears

That no longer sting

 

3 years ago today

I know, I did indeed

Take a chance

To choose my happiness

Instead of his

But if I hadn’t

These words

Would never have appeared

This rose

Would never have bloomed

If I hadn’t

I wonder if

I would still be here.

Sharon Carter-Wray

 

(17th April 2018)

Happy anniversary me, you did it!

Published by Sharon Carter-Wray

I have been writing since I was 13 years old and I am now 52. It all began with a writing poetry project for school, and it has continued to evolve. It was a time that coincided with my brother’s seriously ill health, and his subsequent death from that illness; and writing was my way of dealing with that. As part of a ‘Life laundry’ exercise about 20 years ago, I destroyed a large part of my written work, mainly because I finally understood how it tied me to a place, that I never wanted to revisit again in my lifetime. It was also the mark of a turning point, recognizing my continual growth and healing. I find that writing is a way of releasing thoughts and untangling my complex mind, it always nourishes and makes me feel better. Even if sometimes my own words bring tears to my eyes. But I have noted over time, that the tears have become less. Even if the subject that caused them still hurts. In more recent years I have created and write for my own blog, called “Journey through a painful body and depressed mind”, as well as contributing to an online mental health site called “Mental Movement”. Both of these have witnessed my deepest and most desperate moments, whilst dealing with my own issues of depression and my failing physical health. I have written hundreds of poems over the years, expressing everything from joy, deep sorrow, bereavement to starting over again; it is definitely something I do when I need to restore balance. And they are written on all sorts of things, whatever was available to me at the time when the words chose to pour out of me; so they amount to quite a collection. I used to say that, “if anyone were to pick them up and read them, they would be holding ‘The book of my life story’ in their hands”. And that is still true to some degree today, but now I also express myself through my art & creativity, and the beautiful things that I create. A lot of what I am posting, was written as a teenager over 30 years ago, so please note the date at the end of each entry. However, in most cases, the contents are still very appropriate and ring very true today. I always knew back then, that I was wise beyond my years, and looking back now it’s almost as though I already knew what lay ahead of me. It’s as if my words were the very seed of my true vocation, as now I believe that writing is very much a part of my future and something I must do. I have only ever shared my written words with a few people in my life before, but now I feel brave enough to put myself out there and share with the world. I hope you enjoy. Sx

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